My PS.This is my final draft. Please take a look n critique it. thanks!!!

[coppcw08]

My decision to seek a career as a physician assistant was influenced by many personal, educational, and work experiences. However, it was my younger brother, Colby, who played the biggest role in why I want to become a PA. When he was eight years old, he passed out during recess at our school. The school nurse tried to find his heartbeat but to no avail. He was rushed to the local hospital where a physician assistant treated him in the emergency room. After a few minutes of searching, the PA was able to find his heartbeat under his left armpit, and immediately ordered a chest x-ray, which showed a large mass inside his chest cavity that was collapsing his lungs. He was immediately airlifted to Mount Sinai Hospital in New York City. There it was discovered he had a rare condition called malignant teratoma. To me, a fourteen year old boy at the time, this meant nothing except that he was sick and needed surgery. It was very troublesome for me to watch my little brother lay in a hospital bed, unaware of what was going on.

 

It took nearly six years before I could actually understand what had happened to, Colby. I was taking a genetics course at SUNY Oneonta where I learned about oncogenes, which form cancer. That is where I learned that teratoma is a rare form of cancer that contains the types of cells that form an embryo. It was extremely fascinating to me how genetics play a role in everything that happens in the body, even cancer. In my Colby's case, it caused an eight-pound mass in his chest cavity. If it hadn't been for the quick thinking to order a chest x-ray immediately by the emergency room PA, the outcome may have been different for my brother. However, thanks to her quick thinking, education, and training it was caught early enough to where it had not metastasized and surgery alone was enough to allow him to live a normal life.

 

Though that was my first encounter with a PA, I had several other experiences that guided to me towards a career as a PA. While working at Bassett Hospital in Cooperstown, New York, I spent over 2,000 hours as a cardiac monitor technician, learning to interpret ECG rhythms, placing leads, and the importance of taking care of one's heart. My time as a cardiac monitor technician gave me the chance to learn the electrophysiology of the heart in great depth. I also spent approximately 500 hours gaining valuable hands-on experience as a patient care assistant, where I learned how to properly move patients, change dressings, and about aseptic procedure. These techniques are essential in the everyday healthcare experience. Lastly, while there, I stood in on and observed numerous surgical procedures through the Mithoefer Rural Surgery Program. During each surgery, there was a PA standing in assisting with each procedure. I stood in on twenty procedures from outpatient surgeries, like tonsillectomies, to in-depth neurosurgery. Being able to stand next to the surgeon and PA while they performed the procedures was an experience I will never forget. This experience taught me things like spatial organization of organs, surgical procedure, how to read x-rays, and anatomy. Not only did I obtain valuable knowledge of the medical field, but these experiences solidified my career choice of becoming a PA.

 

Throughout my undergraduate degree, there have been a few irregularities, which I feel should be addressed to the admissions committee. There is no excuse for me to have received a grade below a "C" in any course. For the courses in which this happened, I take full responsibility for the inexcusable lapse in my ability to achieve a higher grade. I could come up with excuses, but I won't. What I can do is share with the admission committee that since those irregularities, I have shown an upward trend in my GPA and in my work ethic. I enrolled in a M.S. program in Biology to show not only the admissions committee, but myself as well, that I do have the ability to maintain a high academic performance level in an advanced degree while being socially, intellectually, and financially active. When I complete my M.S. degree in December 2011, I feel I will have matured academically enough to successfully transition into a PA program.

 

My interest in becoming a PA comes from the experiences I have encountered throughout my life and the desire to provide quality healthcare to those who need it. I've chosen to apply to PA school over medical school and nursing school because PAs have the ability to switch specialty areas. The idea of being able to specialize in several different areas of medicine throughout the course of my career appeals to me because I love to learn. As a PA, my skills will be used in a wider variety of situations than other medical professions, creating the opportunity for me to help more people. I am confident not only that this is the career I desire, but also that I have the skills and drive to help me succeed in this challenging yet rewarding profession.

[StudentPA]

We meet again. Alright Let me look though this again. Just a few minor things.

 

My decision to seek a career [Career? Job is shorter. Personally I prefer vocation if you want a prettier word.] as a physician assistant was influenced by many personal, educational, and work experiences. However, it was my younger brother, Colby, who played the biggest role in why I want to become a PA [This part is not really needed. since you are already stated your desire above. Recommend changing to "in my decision." Everyone wants to become PA by the very nature of their Personal Statement. If you want to keep the part in use yearn instead. It means to strongly desire something. You can want something, but not strongly desire something and it is the same number of characters. Get the picture?]. When he was eight years old, he passed out during recess at our school. The school nurse tried to find his heartbeat but to no avail. He was rushed to the local hospital where a physician assistant treated him in the emergency room. After a few minutes of searching [Recommend examining or more specifically examination. Purely word choice.], the PA was able to find [Could simply say found. Save characters if you want. Might free you up for more space if you want to put in some of my previous suggestions.] his heartbeat under his left armpit, and immediately ordered a chest x-ray, which showed a large mass inside his chest cavity that was collapsing his lungs. He was immediately airlifted to Mount Sinai Hospital in New York City. There it was discovered he had a rare condition called malignant teratoma. To me, a fourteen year old boy at the time, this meant nothing except that he was sick and needed surgery. It was very troublesome for me to watch my little brother lay in a hospital bed, unaware of what was going on.

[StudentPA]

It took nearly six years before I could actually understand what had [Had is not needed here. Happened is already in the past tense. Thus, the reader will know just from happened that the event occurred in the past.] happened to, Colby. I was taking a genetics course at SUNY Oneonta where I learned about oncogenes, which form cancer. That is where I learned that teratoma is a rare form of cancer that contains the types of cells that form an embryo. It was extremely fascinating to me how genetics play a role in everything that happens in the body, even cancer. In my Colby's [Warning! Idea Confusion!. Say either "In Colby's case" or "In my brother's". Not a blend of both. Glad I caught this. Say "In Colby's case," since you say "my brother" later on.] case, it caused an eight-pound mass in his chest cavity. If it hadn't been for the quick thinking to order a chest x-ray immediately by the emergency room PA, the outcome may have been different for my brother. However, thanks to her quick thinking, education, and training it was caught early enough to where it had not metastasized and surgery alone was enough to allow him to live a normal life.

[jennyt]

"In my Colby's case, it caused an eight-pound mass in his chest cavity."

 

I believe you meant to write either "my brother's" or just "Colby's"

[StudentPA]

Though [i recommend Although instead. Although highlights more of a change in sentence flow. ] that was my first encounter with a PA, I had several other experiences that guided to me towards a career as a PA. While working at Bassett Hospital in Cooperstown, New York, I spent over 2,000 hours as a cardiac monitor technician, learning to interpret ECG rhythms, placing leads, and the importance of taking care of one's heart. My time as a cardiac monitor technician gave me the chance to learn the electrophysiology of the heart in great depth. I also [Delete. I spend approximately... reads better.] spent approximately 500 hours gaining valuable hands-on experience as a patient care assistant, where I learned how to properly move patients, change dressings, and about aseptic procedure. These techniques are essential in the [Could simply say "to" instead.] everyday healthcare experience. Lastly, while there, I stood in on and observed numerous surgical procedures through the Mithoefer Rural Surgery Program. During each surgery, there was a PA standing in assisting with each procedure. I stood in on [You use stood in twice. Try attended here for a nice change of pace.] twenty procedures from outpatient surgeries, like tonsillectomies, to in-depth neurosurgery. Being able to stand next to the surgeon and PA while they performed the procedures was an experience I will never forget. This experience taught me things like spatial organization of organs, surgical procedure, how to read x-rays, and anatomy. Not only did I obtain valuable knowledge of the medical field, but these experiences solidified my career [if you use vocation up above stick with it. Vocation means life long passion. Sounds much more fitting to me than a career. I know lots of people who dislike their jobs. Few people dislike their vocation because it is their life long passion to be it. Just a thought.] choice of becoming a PA.

[StudentPA]

Throughout my undergraduate degree [Try saying "As an undergrad," or "During my undergrad," Throughout my makes me think that it happened over and over again despite your use of the word few. You do not want to put such ideas into admission committees minds.], there have been [Were if you follow my previous suggestion.] a few irregularities, which I feel should be addressed to the admissions committee. There is no excuse for me to have received a grade below a "C" in any course. For the courses in which this happened [Recommendation. Say "In such incidences,".], I take full responsibility for the inexcusable lapse in my ability to achieve a higher grade. I could come up with [Come up with? Say "make". By now the person wants to get to the end of your P.S.] excuses, but I won't [Warning! A Personal Statement is a formal document. Thus, no contractions. Should be "will not.".]. What I can do is share with the admission committee that since those irregularities, I have shown an upward trend in my GPA and in my work ethic. I enrolled in a M.S. program in Biology to show [Try prove. Read the sentence with it. I really think you mean prove. It should sound better to your ears.] not only the admissions committee, but to myself as well [Not needed.], that I do [Not needed. "that I have the ability to..." will read just fine.] have the ability to maintain a high academic performance level in an advanced degree while being socially, intellectually, and financially active [Word choice. Try savvy. Savvy means shrewd. Or you could just say shrewd. I thing either one of these is a stronger word than active. Savvy or shrewd shows a level of competence higher than simply being active. A man who has a bank account is active. A man who is an entrepreneur is savvy of shrewd. Get the idea?]. When I complete my M.S. degree in December 2011, I feel I will have matured [by December 2011, I will complete my M.S. degree and become academically mature enough to transition to a PA program.] academically enough to successfully transition into a PA program.

[StudentPA]

My interest in [My passion towards. Passion is a stronger word than interest. You can have an interest in something without a passion. This is similar to want vs. yearn or career vs. vocation from above. Passion is more intense.] becoming a PA comes from the experiences I have encountered throughout my life and the desire to provide quality healthcare to those who need it. I've [Contraction. Make "I have."] chosen to apply to PA school over medical school [Trust me. You want to say over medical or nursing school. Otherwise you are saying school three times in the same sentence. That is overly repetitive.] and nursing school because PAs have the ability to switch specialty areas. The idea of being able to specialize in several different areas of medicine throughout the course of my career appeals to me because I love to learn. As a PA, my skills will be used [Change. I will use my skills. In this case active voice is stronger than passive voice. Besides how can you have passive voice here? Passive voice is usually caused by the use of past tense by using "ed" at the end of the word. How can you already have the past tense in your future, which is something that has not happened yet? If you built a time machine let me know. I want to know where I ended up getting into.] in a wider variety of situations than other medical professions, creating the opportunity for me to help more people. I am confident not only that this is the career I desire, but also that I have the skills and drive to help me succeed in this challenging yet rewarding profession.

[coppcw08]

thanks for all the feedback. I fixed a few grammatical errors that were overlooked and reformatted some of the sentence structure. Thanks again.