very rough draft, but I have to start with something!

[CabbageCake]

It took me 27 years to arrive at the decision of becoming a PA.

My undergraduate years were spent studying Latin, Greek and ancient history. I was intent upon teaching as a professor of the classics and was privileged to have already begun teaching Latin classes at a local charter school. However, I soon decided that the field was too esoteric for my tastes and so found an opportunity of the other extreme, as a teacher of English and literacy skills to adults who had recently immigrated to Minnesota as refugees. Time in the corporate world followed my four years of teaching and I felt that I was at a career impasse. Thus, I was easily persuaded to take the responsibility of caring for my grandmother who had recently been diagnosed with a terminal disease.

The following two and a half years of my life were devoted almost entirely to her care and I worked closely with her physicians to enhance her quality of life. This experience led to my decision to pursue a career in medicine.

I researched different health-care disciplines but was ultimately drawn to the role of a PA because of my interest in pathophysiology and the practice of medicine and how it coupled with a PA’s role in providing care. My experience of working with PAs in the hospital and my shadowing of practicing PAs solidified my resolve to pursue the profession.

As a nursing station technician in the pre-op and PACU areas of the U of MN Medical Center, I assist our medical staff in providing direct patient care, such as the monitoring of vital signs and surgical sites. I also facilitate the flow of communication between the recovery room and patient care units. I work with PAs in the coordination of care before and after surgery should the patient’s attending doctor be unavailable. In this role, the PAs improve the efficiency and effectiveness of our patients’ care.

My motivation towards becoming a PA has been strengthened by my shadowing experiences. I have shadowed family practice, emergency and surgical PAs. I observed the PAs use tools such as history and physicals, labs, and imaging in order to both formulate diagnoses as well as collaborate and problem-solve as a members of a team.

In 2009, I had the pleasure of attending a medical school commencement at which Dr. Richard Heinzl, the founder of the Canadian chapter of Doctors Without Borders, gave the commencement speech. Dr. Heinzl exhorted the new doctors to never become complacent with their level of skill or service, but to always be moving, learning and finding ways to use their unique skills to benefit others. When I become a PA, I hope to use my knowledge and skills to not merely surround myself with physical comfort and security. I would like to use my unique skills and knowledge to improve the health and well-being of both the local and global community.

[StudentPA]

I will see if I can help you out.

 

As an undergrad, I studied Latin, Greek and ancient history. I was intent upon teaching as a professor of the classics and was privileged to have already begun teaching [Try taught. Simpler.] Latin classes at a local charter school. However, I soon decided that the field was too esoteric for my tastes and so found an opportunity of the other extreme [Delete. Obstructs sentence flow and makes me think that if you were wishy washy as an undergrad that you could be the same way at the graduate level. Not something you want to imply.], as a teacher of English and literacy skills to adults who had [Recently immigrated implies past tense. No need for had here. The tense is already stated.] recently immigrated to Minnesota as refugees. Time in the corporate world following my four years of teaching left me at a career impasse. Thus, I was easily persuaded to take the responsibility of caring for my grandmother who had recently been diagnosed with a terminal disease.

The following two and a half years of my life were devoted almost entirely to her care and I worked closely with her physicians to enhance her quality of life. This experience led to my decision to pursue a career in medicine.

[StudentPA]

I researched different health-care disciplines but was ultimately drawn to [intrigued by.] the role of a PA because of my interest in pathophysiology and by medicine's interaction with a PA’s role in providing care. My experience of working with PAs in the hospital and my shadowing of practicing PAs solidified my resolve to pursue the profession.

[StudentPA]

As a nursing station technician in the pre-op and PACU areas of the U of MN Medical Center, I assist our medical staff in providing direct patient care, such as [by is a simpler word. Same meaning in this context.] the [Delete if you use by.] monitoring of vital signs and surgical sites. I also facilitate the flow of communication between the recovery room and patient care units. I work with PAs in the coordination of care before and after surgery should the patient’s attending doctor be unavailable. In this role, the PAs improve the efficiency and effectiveness of our patients’ care

[StudentPA]

My motivation towards becoming a PA has been [Was is simpler. Same point given context.] strengthened by my shadowing experiences in family practice, emergency and surgery. I observed the PAs use tools. [PAs using tools] such as [During.] history and physicals, labs, and imaging in order to both formulate diagnoses as well as collaborate and problem-solve as a members of a team.

[StudentPA]

In 2009, I had the pleasure of attending [simply say attended if you need the words/characters.] a medical school commencement at which Dr. Richard Heinzl, the founder of the Canadian chapter of Doctors Without Borders, gave the commencement speech. Dr. Heinzl exhorted [urged is easier to understand.] the new doctors to never become complacent with their level of skill or service, but to always be moving, learning and finding ways to use their unique skills to benefit others. When I become [simply say. "As a PA."] a PA, I hope [Do not say hope. Say "will" it has more conviction.] to[Delete if you use will.] use my knowledge and skills to improve the health and well-being of both the local and global community [Much simpler. That and the part about physical comfort and security. They know. That is not what they are looking to hear. Makes you seem like you only want the job for the money, which is not a point you want to even remotely convey to an acceptance board if you want to have a hope of getting into PA school.].

[CabbageCake]

Wow! Thanks for the critiques!!

[StudentPA]

You are welcome. Let me know if you need me to review it after you make revisions.