My PS - criticism & suggestions would be MUCH appreciated!

[YaelS]

I have shown this to several people I trust and not gotten much constructive feedback yet. I decided to go ahead and post it here to see if anyone has anything helpful to suggest. Thanks in advance!

 

 

 

Over the last 10 years, there are a number of children out of the myriad I have treated that left me wishing I could help in ways that I was unable to in my role as a speech-language pathologist. One of the most memorable for me was a 4 year old boy I worked with at a preschool program in San Francisco. In the middle of one of my treatment sessions with this little boy, I realized that his eardrum had ruptured. After cleaning up the discharge and blood and sending him home, I was both surprised and frustrated to see him back at school the next day, having still not visited a medical provider. This child continued to have chronic ear infections throughout the year that I worked with him yet he received almost no medical care. Despite many conversations that his teachers and I had with the family, they rarely accessed health care services even with a local free clinic located only blocks away. This little boy continued in preschool with us but made very slow progress in his academics and speech therapy. After working with him, it became very clear to me that if a child’s basic healthcare needs are not being met, it is unlikely that the child will be able to learn optimally in an educational setting.

 

As I begin my transition to a new career as a physician assistant (PA), memories of this child as well as several others like him have had a significant impact on me. In working with low income families who are uninsured or underinsured, I have observed many real and perceived barriers to accessing healthcare services including transportation, language and cultural barriers, and financial difficulty. I believe that one of the most significant barriers, however, is a lack of access to a trusted primary care provider. In my clinical experiences, I have frequently observed that families who have built such a relationship tend to access healthcare more frequently. My clinical experiences have shaped my vision of what I’d like my role to be as PA. The history of the PA profession and the role of the PA in expanding access to healthcare to underserved populations resonates deeply with me. I look forward to working in primary care upon graduation and to having the opportunity to act as a trusted provider to families in need.

 

My interest in medicine over the last several years has grown directly from my work as a speech-language pathologist. I have worked in a variety of settings over the last 10 years including hospitals, schools, clinics, and in homecare. I have been privileged to frequently work as a team with occupational therapists, physical therapists, nurses, and educators and have had the opportunity to treat many children with complex medical histories and diagnoses. Although I continue to enjoy my work, I have been eager to expand my role as a provider and was very excited to learn about the PA profession several years ago. I feel that this profession is an excellent fit for me in that it truly honors past healthcare experiences and allows for those who have that experience to build on its foundation. As a mother of two children, I am not in a position where I would wish to go to medical school. I feel that the PA profession will allow me to expand my current scope of practice, continue to work as a team with other healthcare providers, and maintain a good work-life balance. My recent experiences shadowing two PAs have convinced me that this profession is one I would excel in and be proud to be a part of.

 

I feel that I am at a perfect point in my career to make this transition. I have honed my critical thinking and observation skills, and I know how to truly communicate with and actively listen to patients and their families. I am prepared for the rigors of PA training and I have proven that through my strong academic history. I have a plan in place for completing my prerequisite coursework by the end of the Spring semester of 2012, and I have immensely enjoyed being back in the classroom as I begin that process. In addition, I am lucky to have the full support of my family in this endeavor. I look forward to the challenges and rewards that await me as I pursue a career as a PA.

[StudentPA]

Over the last 10 years, there are a number of children out of the myriad I have treated that left me wishing I could help in ways that I was unable to in my role as a speech-language pathologist [Explain more. I have no idea as to why you were unable to help them.]. One of the most memorable for me was a 4 year old boy named [insert name here] that [People have names. That is what makes people people and personal statements personal.] I worked with at a preschool program in San Francisco. In the middle of one of my treatment sessions with this little boy [Replace with actual name], I realized that his eardrum had ruptured. After cleaning up the discharge and blood and sending him home, I was both surprised and frustrated to see him back at school the next day, having still not visited a medical provider. This child[Replace with He.] continued to have chronic ear infections throughout the year that I worked with him yet he received almost no medical care. Despite many conversations that his teachers and I had with the family, they rarely accessed health care services even with a local free clinic located only blocks away. This little boy continued in preschool with us but made very slow progress in his academics and speech therapy. After working with him, it became very clear to me that if a child’s basic healthcare needs are not being met, it is unlikely that the child will be able to learn optimally in an educational setting.

[StudentPA]

Beginning [states the same point in less words.] my transition to a new career as a physician assistant (PA), memories of this child as well as several others like him have had a significant impact on me. By working with low income families who are uninsured or underinsured, I have observed many real and perceived barriers to accessing healthcare services including transportation, language and cultural barriers, and financial difficulty. It is my personal belief that one of the most significant barriers. However, there is a lack of access to a trusted primary care provider. In my clinical experiences, I have frequently observed that families who have built such a relationship tend to access healthcare more frequently. My clinical experiences have shaped my vision of what I’d like my role to be as PA. The history of the PA profession and the role of the PA in expanding access to healthcare to undeserved [initially spelled incorrectly.] populations resonates deeply with me. I look forward to working in primary care upon graduation and to having the opportunity to act as a trusted provider to families in need.

[StudentPA]

My interest in medicine over the last several year has grown because of my work as a speech-language pathologist. I have worked in a variety of settings over the last 10 years including hospitals, schools, clinics, and in home care [Home care is two separate words.]. It has been a privilege [Eliminated unnecessary I.] to frequently work as a team with occupational therapists, physical therapists, nurses, and educators and have had the opportunity to treat many children with complex medical histories and diagnoses. Although I continue to enjoy my work, I have been eager to expand my role as a provider and was very excited to learn about the PA profession several years ago. I feel that this profession is an excellent fit for me in that it truly honors past healthcare experiences and allows for those who have that experience to build on its foundation. As a mother of two children, I am not in a position where I would wish to go to medical school. I feel that the PA profession will allow me to expand my current scope of practice, continue to work as a team with other healthcare providers, and maintain a good work-life balance. My recent experiences shadowing two PAs have convinced me that this profession is one I would excel in and be proud to be a part of.

[StudentPA]

I feel that [Portion is unnecessary, deletion recommended. It is already obvious that you are stating you feel due to the nature of the personal statement. The sentence will read fine without it.] I am at a perfect point in my career to make this transition. I have honed my critical thinking and observation skills, and I know how to truly communicate with and actively listen to patients and their families. I am prepared for the rigors of PA training and I [unnecessary I. Sentence will read just fine without it.] have proven that through my strong academic history. I have a plan in place for completing my prerequisite coursework by the end of the Spring semester of 2012, and I [unnecessary I. Sentence will read just fine without it. Sometimes less is more.] have immensely enjoyed being back in the classroom as I begin that process. In addition, I am lucky to have the full support of my family in this endeavor. I look forward to the challenges and rewards that await me as I pursue a career as a PA.

[YaelS]

Thank you so much! That is all really helpful and I will work on making those changes.

 

I'm concerned about violating HIPPA using the child's first name though. I suppose I could change the name, but even still, I don't want to risk looking ignorant about HIPPA laws? Maybe I'm just being paranoid...

[Just Steve]

I don't think you are paranoid to be concerned about HIPPA. Tens of thousands, if not 100's of thousands of case studies have been used to educate care providers without any names. There are certain industry standards that are accepted and I think nameless case studies are one of them. I personally feel we can discuss patients as humans who have feelings and lives but can forgo their names being shared. I think plugging in names for people, or names of places where you worked put too fine of point on things. Maybe I have worked at St. Johns Hospital for the Kids too and remember a kid named Charlie who had chronic ear issues...you don't know who your audience is. They may be the parent of child who's identity was divulged in a previous HIPPA case and is sensitive to it. Some things are best to stay in generalities. You have a finite amount of room to share your story and filling that room with names seems to be more fluff to me than the real point of the story.

 

The AdCom are medical providers. I have no doubt in my mind that they can read your opening paragraph and understand how a speech pathologist cannot help a child with a ruptured ear drum and chronic infections. After reading further into your statement it is easy to track where your frustration lies. On a side note, desire to expand from my role as a paramedic was a HUGE driving force to get my butt into PA school, so I can relate. To me, it is plainly evident that if a child cannot concentrate on their studies because they are distracted by chronic pain (ear infections freaking hurt...and to bust a drum from one? Holy moly I almost cried from thinking about it), lack of basic medical services, and the general quality of life associated with a poor socio-economic status. Having the desire to help out where you can is an excellent, and evident, reason to pursue PA school.

 

I read your statement and felt it read just fine. The word "myriad" in the opening line made me grimace, but other than that, it sounded like you were telling me your story that held experience, reasoning, focus, and drive. Making small nuance changes here and there takes the "voice" from your own, into something manufactured. I think you have a wonderful "voice" the conveys your point well.

 

I think you didn't get any real feedback before posting this because there isn't really a lot of room to improve upon it. But that's just one internet lurker's opinion.

 

Good luck

[YaelS]

Steve, thank you so much. I'm glad that my motivations for pursuing this are clearly stated. I will replace "myriad" with "many" immediately - its funny you pointed that out, because that word was suggested by my English major friend who read it over. It was not in my first draft :)

[Just Steve]

That makes more sense now...the word is not a common one, and it didn't fit with the overall "voice" of your story. Learning that the suggestion came from an English major makes perfect sense now.

 

Yes, I think the PS needs to be well written. The more fluff/empty crap you try to shove into a PS, the better the writing needs to be. If I have to kiss a pig, it better be wearing really nice lipstick.

 

But if a story has a personality, has some substance, has some interesting "voice", I don't get so caught up in HOW you write it, but WHAT you are saying...it is not unlike many other things in our lives...I can serve you some dinner in a bowl out of a food truck parked on some parking lot that will blow your socks off and you'll forget all about standing in the rain, in the middle of the parking lot, eating with plastic utensils IF the food is awesome. At the same time, I can take you to a fancy joint with white table clothes, crystal, waiters in tuxedos but if the food sucks....it sucks and you feel ripped off.

 

Or another metaphore...you know that slighty goofy, sorta good looking in a different sorta way person who won't turn any heads by their appearance, but is the funniest and most interesting person you have spoken to in the longest time? Compare them to the that really smoking hot, magazine quality looks person who has the personality of an after dinner mint...who do you want to date?