Writing my personal statement today and wondering if this is too boring, and general?

[NEBRASKA]

I have always known that I want to be in the healthcare profession. Starting at a very young age,

medicine always appealed to me. I was very involved in the community with volunteering, I received

excellent grades, and I moved into high school with the same values and talents. I continued to excel in

schoolwork, involvement, and Varsity swimming for four years. All of this made me believe I had what it

takes to become a successful medical professional.

 

Freshman year of college, however, was a constant struggle as I tried to balance school and

a new involvement in my sorority. I was always discouraged trying to work my way through college

science classes, thinking that I wasn’t cut out for what I really wanted to do. I just couldn’t grasp

studying in my transition to the next level of education. Even into sophomore year, I was still trying

to figure out what was expected of me to get where I wanted to in life. I started to figure out how to

study and I realized that I wasn’t in high school anymore. I began to dig deeper into what I knew was

motivation I had always had to be a meidcal professional. Studying started to move to the top of my list,

I worked it into my daily schedule and time management of a busy schedule became one of my strong

suits. Spring semester of my sophomore year I left to study abroad in Cáceres, Spain for three and a half

months. I traveled Europe, became fluent in Spanish with the help of my wonderful host family, and

gained new experiences that I never would have had living in the United States. It was a nice break from

my demanding school schedule and regular routine.

 

I went back to Iowa State that fall with a whole new year ahead. I began to volunteer at the local

hospital, I started working at a café on campus, my leadership in my sorority took off with my election

to Chapter President in November and my grades benefited from my busy lifestyle. Volunteering

proved to me that medicine was right for me. I began to develop a deeper passion for the patients and

a passion for healing. Spring semester rolled around and my Presidency was in full swing, I was still

volunteering and working, and I began shadowing doctors and Physician Assistants around Des Moines. I

had always been devoted to becoming a PA, but it started to become my reality with all the new medical

experience. My college life continued to flourish. That summer I got a job as a Resident Assistant at a

retirement home in West Des Moines. I work in Assisted Living and Memory Support. Caring for and

helping the residents go through their daily life is more rewarding than ever. I learn so much about them

and so much about myself. Becoming attached to each and every one was inevitable. My last day of the

summer was heartbreaking as I said bye to people I didn’t know if I’d ever see them again, even though

I plan to work through holiday breaks from school. This summer job further reassured me of my passion

for medicine.

 

Over my past three years of college, I have learned what it takes to become what I’ve always

wanted. I’ve learned the importance of hard work, commitment, time management, and passion.

Nothing proved to be easy for me, and I believe that is what has made me realize how strongly I want a

profession as a PA. I know now what is expected of me and I am fully ready to do that in order to assist

doctors in helping patients who need it the most.

[annakathryn77]

1) take out all contractions: wasn't = was not, couldn't = could not I've = I have didn't=did not, etc. that makes it all sound too casual, I think.

2) "caring for and helping the residents go through their daily life is " I'd change daily life to daily lives b/c they each have their own life, right? so it's plural.

3) maybe explain a little more about your sorority... not to be mean, but as you probably know, there are lots of stereotypes about Greek life, so maybe explain your role a little more and some components of your sorority,

4) milk the Spanish skills some more... that is a hugely marketable skill and you don't really give yourself credit for it... how is it significant within the health field?

 

Good luck!

[jmpetersen]

Is this a first draft?

I think it is a bit too general...the only things I know about you are 1) Grades sucked as a freshman, 2) You were a sorority president, 3) Your HCE is limited to one summer at a retirement home.

Unless you're applying to a program that doesn't require any or much direct patient care, I would work on getting a job that will give you a little more/a lot more experience or get some certifications to broaden your scope of practice a bit.

 

You mention that you "continued to volunteer" throughout the essay..so explain where you volunteered, what your duties were, and how much time you devoted to it. If you're using CASPA, then they will already have this info from your application but you need to fill the essay with something a little more substantial. What did you do as a Resident Assistant? What type of PAs did you shadow and what did you see during that time? Being a sorority president is a huge leadership responsibility, so make a big point of that.

 

Also, after you have re-written this about 10 times at least (these things take TIME!), go through each sentence and make sure you are putting a positive spin on your experiences. Saying "Nothing proved to be easy for me" comes across so defeatist, even though you did persevere in the end. I guarantee that no PA student had it easy..and most are juggling a lot more than just a busy social life with classes.

 

I hope none of this comes across as too harsh! The PS takes a lot of work and should be edited by as many people as you can talk in to reading it. Read through the PS's posted on here and get an idea of what other people have done right and wrong. There is a lot of good info in this forum to help you figure out which direction you want to take with your essay.

[NEBRASKA]

Thank you so much for your input! I have reworked it a lot now. Any feedback is appreciated from anyone! :) thanks!

 

I hugged her and tried to fight back the tears. I tried holding back until we were crying in each other’s arms. As I lost my fight with the tears, she’s losing hers with bone and lung cancer. Joan is on hospice and could leave this earth at any moment. She became like a grandmother to me that summer. I talked to Joan and brought her medicine to her room as often as I could just to get some time together. My direct contact with her during this past summer job at her retirement home solidified my passion for becoming a Physician Assistant. Building a relationship with the residents and being able to spend time with them instead of just taking care of them was the best part of my job. I need to have the relationships with the patients, not just an acquaintance because I give care. Being a PA will allow me to be part of a working team of professionals. I will be involved in care with the physician, but I will also become a figure of support and calming in times where it feels all is lost.

I have always wanted to be in the medical profession. I flew through middle school and high school with excellent grades, lots of community involvement, and four years of hard work on the Varsity swim team. Everything came very easily for me. Freshman year of college, however, was a constant struggle as I tried to balance school and a new involvement in my sorority. I was always discouraged trying to work my way through college science classes, thinking that I wasn’t cut out for what I really wanted to do, which was to be a Physician Assistant. I just could not grasp studying in my transition to the next level of education. Even into sophomore year, I was still trying to figure out what was expected of me to get where I wanted to in life. Studying started to move to the top of my list, I worked it into my daily schedule and time management of a busy schedule became one of my strong suits. After the next amazing semester spent in Cáceres, Spain studying abroad, a whole new semester was ahead of me.

I began to volunteer at the local hospital, where I was able to utilize my fluency in Spanish from the time I spent abroad the semester before, I started working at a café on campus, my leadership in my sorority took off with my election to Chapter President in November and my grades benefited from my busy lifestyle. I was finally seeing the results of my hard work. Spring semester rolled around and my Presidency was in full swing, I was still volunteering and working, and I began shadowing doctors and Physician Assistants. I had always been devoted to becoming a PA, but it started to become my reality with all the new medical experience. That summer is when I met Joan, working in Assisted Living and Memory Support of a retirement home. Caring for and helping the residents go through their daily lives was more rewarding than ever. I learned so much about myself in the process. This summer job further reassured me of my passion for medicine and patient care as a PA.

Over my past three years of college, I have learned what it takes to become what I’ve always wanted. I’ve learned the importance of hard work, commitment, time management, and passion. With the help of Joan, my college schoolwork hardships, and my healthcare experience, I am ready for the PA school challenges. I will work as hard as needed in order to become a figure of healing and support for many patients to come.

[NEBRASKA]

How do I put all of that in there? CASPA has all the info on my volunteering and shadowing, but I am already at 625 words which is the max number of words allowed for the PS for CAPSA. There is so much more I want to put in, but I had to condense it to this. It's not a first draft, but i have a different draft posted now too. It's just so hard to put all in that I want when I'm only given 625 words.

[cinntsp]

How do I put all of that in there? CASPA has all the info on my volunteering and shadowing, but I am already at 625 words which is the max number of words allowed for the PS for CAPSA. There is so much more I want to put in, but I had to condense it to this. It's not a first draft, but i have a different draft posted now too. It's just so hard to put all in that I want when I'm only given 625 words.

 

625 words is only an approximate number. 5000 characters is the actual limit.

[jmpetersen]

That second one is much, much better!!!

Re-work this sentence: I need to have the relationships with the patients, not just an acquaintance because I give care. It's awkward.

Condense down to 1 nice, short concise sentence. You don't want to dwell on the negatives too long!: I was always discouraged trying to work my way through college science classes, thinking that I wasn’t cut out for what I really wanted to do, which was to be a Physician Assistant (this is a run-on). I just could not grasp studying in my transition to the next level of education. Even into sophomore year, I was still trying to figure out what was expected of me to get where I wanted to in life (I'm thinking...is she still talking about this?!?! Move on! :).

 

Break this down into a few sentences..it's too many different ideas all being tossed together: I began to volunteer at the local hospital, where I was able to utilize my fluency in Spanish from the time I spent abroad the semester before, I started working at a café on campus, my leadership in my sorority took off with my election to Chapter President in November and my grades benefited from my busy lifestyle.

 

Take out extra words to trim out the fluff: "Caring for and helping the residents" for example..."caring" and "helping" aren't very strong words and they aren't both necessary to explain to the reader what you were doing. Pick one or the other, or use the thesaurus to find a stronger, more descriptive word. Read through your essay and look for other places that these extra words have been stuffed in without adding any substance to your story.

 

Copy and paste it into CASPA to see how much room you have. Mine was 772 words, 4928 characters.

Good job on the re-write!

[NEBRASKA]

Thank you so much!!! Your input will truly better my PS :) I appreciate your time in reading and evaluating this so much!

[IdahoPA]

The first two sentences are awkward and a bit redundant. The words "physician assistant" and "varsity" aren't capitalized in the context you are using them. The last sentence of the 1st paragraph seems clunky and repetitive; combine the last two into one: "...part of a team of working professionals and as a figure..."

 

You worked hard at swimming, but everything came easily? Not possible. :) I would delete that as it sounds a bit pretentious. Then I get to the part about your freshman year and I think "AAAAAACK!!" No, no, no!!! Why would you bring up all of this negative stuff when you're trying to sell yourself? If I were the selection person, I wouldn't be excited. Are your grades so bad that you would need to explain them? If not, get rid of this. If so, try to do so in a way that doesn't make you sound so...incompetent. From your own writing it sounds like you get easily discouraged and wouldn't be able to handle a more rigorous program (ie PA school). If had to include it, I would say something more like, "The transition to HS to my first year was a bit rocky at first, but then I...." and tell us how you were able to overcome it. This sounds more positive and gives you credit for being mature enough to make the changes you needed to make.

 

The adcom can guess where you became fluent in Spanish so that line can be erased.

 

Ok, I know my critique has seemed a lil mean thus far and that's really not what I'm trying to be. You sound like someone with a big heart who was able to find her way and will make an excellent PA because she really cares. But you don't sell yourself as that. I really like your mentions of what relationships mean to you and about your interactions with PAs and physicians.

 

Good luck!!

[mktalon]

Did you actually write the second one? If you did then props for the improvement, but it hardly seems like the same person wrote these two essays. I'm not accusing you of anything, its just that they are just so much different in both style and command of voice and grammar. I thought the first one sucked, but the second one, while not perfect, is much better. You at least sound confident in the second one. BTW, I would be cautious about how you used the word "fluent" when it comes to knowing another language. I know 3 people who have spent the last 2 YEARS in Latin America and none of them consider themselves fluent yet. Maybe you are just that good with language though.

[mktalon]

BTW, this isn't a criticism, but why do so many PS writers feel compelled to open their statement with a story that starts abruptly in the middle? I know it is a great trick to "pull" the reader in the story right away, but it seems to be getting over used. It seems like 3 out of 4 essays that I read start with an abrupt story like this. I am just wondering if you might try a different tactic to draw the reader in that will set you apart and yet still be interesting.

[NEBRASKA]

Ha yeah I actually wrote them both. I was just being told that I should make it more unique and interesting so I added the personal story to the second one. I will definitely reword "fluent" as you made a good point. I'll look at reworking the introduction, too. Thanks for the input!