Can somone give me some tips on my personal statement for me?

[hylandja]

My personal statement is about 700 characters too long. If anyone has any suggestions please let me know. I'm not really sure what to take out of it. Thanks in advance.

 

 

 

I remember walking into the restaurant as if it was any other night out with my family. My parents told us that they had something to talk to us about, but I thought nothing of it. As a senior in college, I was not ready for what was about to hit me. While we waited for our food, my mom broke down. She was in tears as she told her three children that she had been diagnosed with breast cancer. There was emptiness and shock in our eyes as we realized what we just heard. At 22 years old, I never thought I would have to deal with possibly losing my mother. At that point all I could do was pray, and hope that the doctors recommended treatment could cure my mom.

At the time of my mom's diagnosis, I was almost finished with my undergraduate degree in Kinesiology. I had studied physical therapy throughout college, and that’s what I thought my niche was. After my mom’s first appointment at the Oncology department, she thought that I would be perfect as a physician assistant. From studying Kinesiology I knew what a physician assistant was, but I didn’t know the scope of their duties. After my mom’s diagnosis, and recommendation, I did some more detailed research. I discovered how important physician assistants are to patient care, and that I may have discovered my calling in life.

As I further thought about the different settings that physician assistants could hold, I thought it would be a good idea to do some shadowing. I went to the physician assistant that helped with the treatment of my mom. She willingly agreed, and I started shadowing her at the Oncology practice she worked at near my home. At first I was nervous, because I was not sure what to expect. I was not aware that the shadowing experience I had with Mrs. Fisher would turn out to be the deciding factor for me pursuing a career as a physician assistant.

As I became more comfortable sitting in on the appointments, I began to realize that I could see myself in Mrs. Fisher’s shoes. She had such great bedside manners, and did very well explaining in great detail all that was going on with the patient. This is what steered me towards becoming a PA, and not a physician. Sometimes physicians seem to be like robots, and are treating patients like they are not a priority. With Mrs. Fisher, the patients felt very comfortable working one on one with her. Even though Oncology can be a frightening branch of medicine, Mrs. Fisher kept the patient calm. She did such a great job, that she had her own patients that would ask to see her in the Oncology department. This experience, coupled with speaking with other physician assistants, made me realize that physician assistants play a very large role in healthcare.

More research and shadowing taught me that in a lot of settings, PA’s are the only medical professional available, and the physician will check in periodically. This demands that physician assistants have great leadership qualities. The PA’s in our community are considered primary health care providers, and are well respected in the medical community. In my shadowing experiences the physician assistant was able to do patient assessments, order tests, do examinations, and treat patients based on his/her assessments. Having this freedom builds a relationship and trust between the PA and the patients. After shadowing I found that this is an important part to becoming a great physician assistant.

Although physician assistants can have freedom, they also need to be good team players. The PA and physician need to have a good relationship to create an exceptional medical team. Trust and experience within a medical team contributes to having a solid practice that patients will want to come back to. While shadowing Mrs. Fisher this “team” concept came to my attention. It seemed like the team was always on the same page, concentrating on the patient. The experience that they had with each other made the assessments and the appointments with the patients go smoothly. This team concept is a quality that all physician assistants need to have to do quality work in their field.

Most of my work in my life has unknowingly prepared me for graduate school and my future career as a physician assistant. I started as a high school soccer coach for my alma mater. This taught me to be a leader for a team of players to reach a common goal. I then went on to become a trainer for athletes. On a daily basis I was challenged to help these athletes strengthen their bodies to excel at their sport. I took pride in customers returning to me to try and help them with their health. Then I went on to work as a CNA for several months. I took my team building skills to a new level. I had to not only work with my co-workers, but also the residents. Every day was a surprise; the residents’ moods can change frequently. By having an upbeat attitude, and a strong work ethic I can make an easy transition to anything that is thrown my way. All of these skills that I have compiled through the years are necessary to becoming a good PA.

As I started my college career I truly believed that physical therapy was the road I was going to travel down. The diagnosis that my mother received was unfortunate, but brought to my attention the profession of physician assistants. As I have shadowed and studied the profession more, I have come to love it with a passion. Each of my experiences in the work force has given me a strong base for the qualities necessary to truly being a PA. I am confident that my university studies and further knowledge has uniquely prepared me for this journey. I know this is the right career choice for me, and I will work as hard as I can until I achieve my goal of becoming a physician assistant.

[nweston]

"Every day was a surprise; the residents’ moods can change frequently"

 

"Each day there is a surprise; moods of residents can change at the drop of a hat and I never know what could happen." This is a sentence that I saw in someone else's PS posted on the forum and the two seem quite similar. Just curious if it was coincidence.

 

I'm pre-PA applying for the first time, so my words don't carry as much weight as someone with more experience/insight to what the ADCOM is looking for, but I'd be careful in particular with your generalized description of physicians as "robots." I've had the honor of working with physicians who have phenomenol bedside manner. There are good physicians and bad physicians, and good PAs and bad PAs. I would also remove this sentence, " In my shadowing experiences the physician assistant was able to do patient assessments, order tests, do examinations, and treat patients based on his/her assessments." It will save you some characters, particularly because you need to assume that the ADCOM already knows what a PA is allowed to do.

[jmpetersen]

This should be easy to trim down. The adcom knows what a physician assistant is, so you can take out the whole paragraph about PAs working independently (ordering tests, doing exams) and how a PA is a team player. All of that can probably be condensed down to 2 sentences. Don't focus so much on Mrs. Fisher--I can see that you are trying to describe all the good qualities you saw in her that inspired you to be a PA, but it seems to drag on a just a bit too long about her. The adcom will want to hear more about you, and less about Mrs. Fisher :)

Take out the sentence about doctors not caring and acting like robots. Yikes...that doesn't sound very team player-ish!

 

One confusing part for me..you went to the first oncology appointment and "she thought that I would be the perfect physician assistant." Who thought that? Your mom? The PA? The clerk at the front desk? And why did she think that...did you correctly interpret your mother's tests and come up with a diagnosis? Haha I'm just kidding...but the statement seems a little bold. You can just say that it exposed you to the PA profession, piqued your interest, and you did a little more research on it.

[hylandja]

nweston,

Im new to the site and wa sjust looking for some help on the statement. I dont want anyone to think i was taking someones ideas by any means. I will reword that part for sure, because i dont want that to be the case. Thanks for the input so far. I already trimmed it down to about 5300 with your guys help.

[Just Steve]

"when I was 22 my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. Through the course of her treatment I found my first personal experience of what a PA truly is."

 

I just turned your first paragraph into a sentence. Your PS is full of fluff that can be condensed and the extra space used to talk about yourself, and what you have done to prepare yourself to be a PA.

 

You are writing a concise PS to sell yourself in a very small space. Skip the novel.

[nweston]

Not at all. Sorry if it came off harsh, was just wondering. That sentence doesnt really seem to fit with what you're trying to say there anyway, so you should probably take it out or rework it. 300 chars should be easy to trim. Good luck.