Littlegwood Posted July 14, 2011 Share Posted July 14, 2011 Would anyone be willing to read and critique my PS? I have been working on it for a while and feel as if it is close to being finished. Any help would be amazing! Please contact me via PM as I don't feel comfortable making my PS public. THANK YOU in advance! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Littlegwood Posted July 18, 2011 Author Share Posted July 18, 2011 Since I plan on sending in my application this week, I'm just going to see what you all think of, what seems like, my 50th draft. Thank you, in advance, for any help and/or ideas. Moving quickly, I guided the team- an attending Emergency Department (ED) Physician, Physician Assistant (PA) and nurse through a maze of hallways. We were responding to a very rare ‘Stork’ code in the Labor and Delivery wing. This code signaled all OB/GYNs were in procedures leaving delivery to the ED team. It was my second month as an ED Tech and first time assisting with the birth of a premature baby to a seriously ill mother. Thankfully, we later learned both baby and mother survived. Throughout my life, my mom and stepdad worked in the healthcare industry. I loved going to their offices and soon became ‘free’ labor. At first, my mom gave me simple tasks such as inputting data and copying. Later, I graduated to filling hospital orders and proofreading healthcare brochures and magazines. When I had a break, I would page through healthcare publications and medical journals. While mom worked on the business side, patient care stories and advances in medicine and technology caught my attention. When it came time to choose a college, my dedication in the classroom and on the court paid off. XXXXXXXXXX offered a full, four-year volleyball scholarship. I accepted and in 2007 was awarded dual degrees in History and Communications. During my time at XXXXXXXXXX, I developed excellent communication and leadership skills which I utilized as co-captain of the volleyball team, president of the Student Athlete Advisory Committee and co-chair of the record-setting 2007 Relay for Life. Caught up in the excitement of collegiate sports, I went on to earn a Masters in Sports Administration at XXXXXXXXXX where I studied the business of sports and completed my thesis on Leadership Development. While earning my master’s, I also served as volunteer Assistant Volleyball Coach at Loyola Chicago. This stint cured my coaching bug and during the 2008 season, I acknowledged that a medical career had been percolating in my mind for a years, and I knew nothing would be as interesting or rewarding. During this time, I took stock of the rapidly changing healthcare industry and explored potential careers. It didn’t take long to discover a perfect fit – the PA profession. Somewhere along my career search, I remembered a poignant experience. I was 14, playing three varsity sports and my knee had swelled. At a busy orthopedic practice, a PA was the only practitioner to examine me. During the visit, I asked why he became a PA. “I’m part of a medical team. We collaborate on providing excellent direct patient care,” he explained. As an avid athlete, the concept of a team in medicine and the opportunity to provide direct patient care as someone other than a medical doctor or nurse intrigued me. Fast forward nine years, and I focused on completing the courses required for PA school. Ironically, just days after my decision to pursue entrance to PA school, I was offered a full-time Graduate Assistant Coach position at Loyola. No longer interested in a coaching career, I still jumped at this opportunity as it included a two-year scholarship. Over the next 20 months, I completed nearly all required courses and received only one course grade below what I am capable, a B- in Human Structure and Function. It was during this class in Fall 2009 that a family tragedy was unfolding. My uncle, a father of four young children, was losing a seven-year battle against the appendiceal cancer, mucinous adenocarcinoma. During the Fall semester, I traveled to Washington DC twice; once when he was extremely critical and two months later when he passed. My uncle was my hero and an amazing example of courage and fortitude. Just months before passing, he urged me to follow my dream of becoming a PA. I assured him I was on my way. In early 2010, I began shadowing an orthopedic surgeon and PA team at a large practice near Chicago. While there, I observed the surgeon and physician assistant working side-by-side on shoulder and knee repairs and their engaging discussions following visits with patients. They worked as a team; the trust and respect between the surgeon and PA palpable. A few months later, I became a certified EMT and shadowed PAs and ED physicians in the XXXXXXXX, Illinois hospital where I currently work as an ED Tech. Working in a 30-bed Level II Trauma Center is a daily lesson in anticipating, observing, learning and caring. From heart attacks to pediatric emergencies to caring for victims of violent crimes, I have assisted the physicians, PAs and nurses full-time since March 2011. Each day, I perform 12 lead EKGs, phlebotomy, triage, point of care testing, and assist with procedures ranging from lumbar punctures to CPR during codes. Today, I am submitting my application in hopes of earning a place in your physician assistant program. I offer my tenacity, work ethic, passion for excellence and dedication to becoming an outstanding physician assistant. Thank you taking time to read my brief introduction. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Littlegwood Posted July 18, 2011 Author Share Posted July 18, 2011 Since I plan on sending in my application this week, I'm just going to see what you all think of, what seems like, my 50th draft. Thank you, in advance, for any help and/or ideas. Moving quickly, I guided the team- an attending Emergency Department (ED) Physician, Physician Assistant (PA) and nurse through a maze of hallways. We were responding to a very rare ‘Stork’ code in the Labor and Delivery wing. This code signaled all OB/GYNs were in procedures leaving delivery to the ED team. It was my second month as an ED Tech and first time assisting with the birth of a premature baby to a seriously ill mother. Thankfully, we later learned both baby and mother survived. Throughout my life, my mom and stepdad worked in the healthcare industry. I loved going to their offices and soon became ‘free’ labor. At first, my mom gave me simple tasks such as inputting data and copying. Later, I graduated to filling hospital orders and proofreading healthcare brochures and magazines. When I had a break, I would page through healthcare publications and medical journals. While mom worked on the business side, patient care stories and advances in medicine and technology caught my attention. When it came time to choose a college, my dedication in the classroom and on the court paid off. XXXXXXXXXX offered a full, four-year volleyball scholarship. I accepted and in 2007 was awarded dual degrees in History and Communications. During my time at XXXXXXXXXX, I developed excellent communication and leadership skills which I utilized as co-captain of the volleyball team, president of the Student Athlete Advisory Committee and co-chair of the record-setting 2007 Relay for Life. Caught up in the excitement of collegiate sports, I went on to earn a Masters in Sports Administration at XXXXXXXXXX where I studied the business of sports and completed my thesis on Leadership Development. While earning my master’s, I also served as volunteer Assistant Volleyball Coach at Loyola Chicago. This stint cured my coaching bug and during the 2008 season, I acknowledged that a medical career had been percolating in my mind for a years, and I knew nothing would be as interesting or rewarding. During this time, I took stock of the rapidly changing healthcare industry and explored potential careers. It didn’t take long to discover a perfect fit – the PA profession. Somewhere along my career search, I remembered a poignant experience. I was 14, playing three varsity sports and my knee had swelled. At a busy orthopedic practice, a PA was the only practitioner to examine me. During the visit, I asked why he became a PA. “I’m part of a medical team. We collaborate on providing excellent direct patient care,” he explained. As an avid athlete, the concept of a team in medicine and the opportunity to provide direct patient care as someone other than a medical doctor or nurse intrigued me. Fast forward nine years, and I focused on completing the courses required for PA school. Ironically, just days after my decision to pursue entrance to PA school, I was offered a full-time Graduate Assistant Coach position at Loyola. No longer interested in a coaching career, I still jumped at this opportunity as it included a two-year scholarship. Over the next 20 months, I completed nearly all required courses and received only one course grade below what I am capable, a B- in Human Structure and Function. It was during this class in Fall 2009 that a family tragedy was unfolding. My uncle, a father of four young children, was losing a seven-year battle against the appendiceal cancer, mucinous adenocarcinoma. During the Fall semester, I traveled to Washington DC twice; once when he was extremely critical and two months later when he passed. My uncle was my hero and an amazing example of courage and fortitude. Just months before passing, he urged me to follow my dream of becoming a PA. I assured him I was on my way. In early 2010, I began shadowing an orthopedic surgeon and PA team at a large practice near Chicago. While there, I observed the surgeon and physician assistant working side-by-side on shoulder and knee repairs and their engaging discussions following visits with patients. They worked as a team; the trust and respect between the surgeon and PA palpable. A few months later, I became a certified EMT and shadowed PAs and ED physicians in the XXXXXXXX, Illinois hospital where I currently work as an ED Tech. Working in a 30-bed Level II Trauma Center is a daily lesson in anticipating, observing, learning and caring. From heart attacks to pediatric emergencies to caring for victims of violent crimes, I have assisted the physicians, PAs and nurses full-time since March 2011. Each day, I perform 12 lead EKGs, phlebotomy, triage, point of care testing, and assist with procedures ranging from lumbar punctures to CPR during codes. Today, I am submitting my application in hopes of earning a place in your physician assistant program. I offer my tenacity, work ethic, passion for excellence and dedication to becoming an outstanding physician assistant. Thank you taking time to read my brief introduction. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mktalon Posted July 18, 2011 Share Posted July 18, 2011 Overall I really like it. What exactly were you trying to do with the first paragraph? It seems like you are trying to open with a good story, but (to me) it reads a little abrupt and disconnected from the rest of your narrative. Maybe go back and read through it to see if it really accomplishes what you are intending. Maybe I am just reading it differently, but I don't think it flows or adds anything to your narrative. I like how you explained your poor grade - not the fact that your uncle passed - but how you tied the story in with a positive ending rather than as a simple excuse. Re-read it a couple more times for grammar and word omissions. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mktalon Posted July 18, 2011 Share Posted July 18, 2011 Overall I really like it. What exactly were you trying to do with the first paragraph? It seems like you are trying to open with a good story, but (to me) it reads a little abrupt and disconnected from the rest of your narrative. Maybe go back and read through it to see if it really accomplishes what you are intending. Maybe I am just reading it differently, but I don't think it flows or adds anything to your narrative. I like how you explained your poor grade - not the fact that your uncle passed - but how you tied the story in with a positive ending rather than as a simple excuse. Re-read it a couple more times for grammar and word omissions. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mktalon Posted July 19, 2011 Share Posted July 19, 2011 Yeah, the story isn't bad in of itself, but it is anachronistic, and the rest of the narrative does not build back to that moment, like a flashback or something. The rest of the narrative does not justify the anachronism, therefore the change in tense is very jarring and confusing. Maybe if you find a way to link back to the story, or give some sort of reason why it needs to be there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mktalon Posted July 19, 2011 Share Posted July 19, 2011 Yeah, the story isn't bad in of itself, but it is anachronistic, and the rest of the narrative does not build back to that moment, like a flashback or something. The rest of the narrative does not justify the anachronism, therefore the change in tense is very jarring and confusing. Maybe if you find a way to link back to the story, or give some sort of reason why it needs to be there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nicole.a Posted July 19, 2011 Share Posted July 19, 2011 I LOVE this statement: "This stint cured my coaching bug" That is such a good way to let the reader know that it wasn't for you without being negative. I really like this statement overall. I agree with all of the above, though. The first setence is abrupt and this: "Moving quickly, I guided the team- an attending Emergency Department (ED) Physician, Physician Assistant (PA) and nurse through a maze of hallways" left me wondering why you were guiding the team, since you were a relatively new ED tech. You may have been in the front of the pack, but I would be careful about saying that you were doing the 'guiding'. Hope this helps! Best wishes! -Nicole Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nicole.a Posted July 19, 2011 Share Posted July 19, 2011 I LOVE this statement: "This stint cured my coaching bug" That is such a good way to let the reader know that it wasn't for you without being negative. I really like this statement overall. I agree with all of the above, though. The first setence is abrupt and this: "Moving quickly, I guided the team- an attending Emergency Department (ED) Physician, Physician Assistant (PA) and nurse through a maze of hallways" left me wondering why you were guiding the team, since you were a relatively new ED tech. You may have been in the front of the pack, but I would be careful about saying that you were doing the 'guiding'. Hope this helps! Best wishes! -Nicole Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Littlegwood Posted July 19, 2011 Author Share Posted July 19, 2011 Thank you all very much for the critiques! I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. This is where I am at now...very close! (I hope) It was my second month as an Emergency Department(ED) Tech, and I was in my element directing the team-an attending ED Physician, Physician Assistant (PA) and nurse through a maze of hallways. We were responding to a rare ‘stork’ code in the Labor and Delivery wing. This code signaled all OB/GYNs were in procedures, so we were en route to deliver a premature baby to a seriously ill mother. Thankfully, both baby and mother survived. Throughout my life, my mom and stepdad worked in the healthcare industry. From a young age, I loved going to their offices, soon becoming ‘free’ labor. My mom gave me simple tasks such as inputting and copying. In high school, I filled hospital orders and proofread healthcare brochures and magazines; and while on break, I would page through healthcare publications and medical journals always fascinated by the patient care stories and advancements in treatment and technology. I didn’t know it then, but I was hooked. When it came time to choose a college, my decision was easy. My grades were high, and I had played volleyball at a competitive level. My first choice, XXXXXXXXXX, offered me a full four-year volleyball scholarship. I accepted and in 2007 was awarded dual degrees in History and Communications. During my time at XXXXXXXXXX, I developed excellent communication and leadership skills which I utilized as team co-captain, president of the Student Athlete Advisory Committee and co-chair of the record-setting 2007 Relay for Life. Caught up in the excitement of collegiate sports and encouraged by key staff, I went on to earn a Masters in Sports Administration at XXXXXXXXXX and completed my thesis on leadership development. During graduate school I also served as volunteer Assistant Coach at Loyola Chicago. This stint cured my coaching bug, and I acknowledged a conflict that had been begun percolating during the masters program. I loved sports and still do, but after more soul searching conceded that a career in sports was not for me; I belonged in medicine. I took inventory of the steps needed to enter the healthcare industry and began exploring potential medical careers. It didn’t take long to discover a perfect fit – the PA profession. Somewhere during this search, I remembered a poignant experience. I was 14, playing three varsity sports and my knee had swelled. At a busy orthopedic practice, a PA was the only practitioner to examine me. During the visit, I asked why he became a PA. “I’m part of a medical team. We collaborate to provide exceptional patient care.” As an avid athlete, the concept of team in medicine along with the opportunity to provide direct patient care as a practitioner other than a physician or nurse intrigued me. Fast forward nine years and I was tackling the coursework required for PA school. The great irony, however, was yet to come. Shortly after my decision to leave coaching, Loyola offered me a full-time assistant coach position. Despite my new path, I still jumped at this opportunity as it included a two-year scholarship. Over the next 20 months, I completed nearly all required courses for PA school and in Fall 2009 received the only course grade below what I was capable, a B- in Human Structure and Function. It was during this semester that a family tragedy was unfolding. My uncle, father of four young children, was losing a seven-year battle to cancer of the appendix, mucinous adenocarcinoma. During the semester, I traveled to Washington, DC twice, once when he was extremely critical and weeks later when he passed. My uncle was my hero, a courageous and wise mentor. Just months before passing, he urged me to follow my dream of becoming a PA. I assured him I was on my way. In early 2010, I began shadowing an orthopedic PA at a large practice near Chicago. There, I observed the surgeon and PA working side-by-side on shoulder and knee repairs and the dynamic discussions following patient visits. They worked as a team, the trust and respect between them palpable. A few months later, I became a certified EMT and shadowed PAs and ED physicians in the XXXXXXX, Illinois hospital where I currently work as an ED Tech. Working in a 30-bed Level II Trauma Center is a daily lesson in anticipating, observing, learning and compassion. From heart attacks to pediatric emergencies to caring for victims of violent crimes, I have assisted the physicians, PAs and nurses full-time since March 2011. Each day, I perform 12-lead EKGs, phlebotomy, triage, point of care testing, and assist with procedures ranging from lumbar punctures to CPR during codes. Today, I am submitting my application in hopes of earning a place in your PA program. Persevering beyond what I was comfortable with to become what I was meant to do has taught me a great deal about myself. I offer my tenacity, work ethic, passion for excellence and dedication to become an outstanding PA. Thank you taking time to read my brief introduction. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Littlegwood Posted July 19, 2011 Author Share Posted July 19, 2011 Thank you all very much for the critiques! I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. This is where I am at now...very close! (I hope) It was my second month as an Emergency Department(ED) Tech, and I was in my element directing the team-an attending ED Physician, Physician Assistant (PA) and nurse through a maze of hallways. We were responding to a rare ‘stork’ code in the Labor and Delivery wing. This code signaled all OB/GYNs were in procedures, so we were en route to deliver a premature baby to a seriously ill mother. Thankfully, both baby and mother survived. Throughout my life, my mom and stepdad worked in the healthcare industry. From a young age, I loved going to their offices, soon becoming ‘free’ labor. My mom gave me simple tasks such as inputting and copying. In high school, I filled hospital orders and proofread healthcare brochures and magazines; and while on break, I would page through healthcare publications and medical journals always fascinated by the patient care stories and advancements in treatment and technology. I didn’t know it then, but I was hooked. When it came time to choose a college, my decision was easy. My grades were high, and I had played volleyball at a competitive level. My first choice, XXXXXXXXXX, offered me a full four-year volleyball scholarship. I accepted and in 2007 was awarded dual degrees in History and Communications. During my time at XXXXXXXXXX, I developed excellent communication and leadership skills which I utilized as team co-captain, president of the Student Athlete Advisory Committee and co-chair of the record-setting 2007 Relay for Life. Caught up in the excitement of collegiate sports and encouraged by key staff, I went on to earn a Masters in Sports Administration at XXXXXXXXXX and completed my thesis on leadership development. During graduate school I also served as volunteer Assistant Coach at Loyola Chicago. This stint cured my coaching bug, and I acknowledged a conflict that had been begun percolating during the masters program. I loved sports and still do, but after more soul searching conceded that a career in sports was not for me; I belonged in medicine. I took inventory of the steps needed to enter the healthcare industry and began exploring potential medical careers. It didn’t take long to discover a perfect fit – the PA profession. Somewhere during this search, I remembered a poignant experience. I was 14, playing three varsity sports and my knee had swelled. At a busy orthopedic practice, a PA was the only practitioner to examine me. During the visit, I asked why he became a PA. “I’m part of a medical team. We collaborate to provide exceptional patient care.” As an avid athlete, the concept of team in medicine along with the opportunity to provide direct patient care as a practitioner other than a physician or nurse intrigued me. Fast forward nine years and I was tackling the coursework required for PA school. The great irony, however, was yet to come. Shortly after my decision to leave coaching, Loyola offered me a full-time assistant coach position. Despite my new path, I still jumped at this opportunity as it included a two-year scholarship. Over the next 20 months, I completed nearly all required courses for PA school and in Fall 2009 received the only course grade below what I was capable, a B- in Human Structure and Function. It was during this semester that a family tragedy was unfolding. My uncle, father of four young children, was losing a seven-year battle to cancer of the appendix, mucinous adenocarcinoma. During the semester, I traveled to Washington, DC twice, once when he was extremely critical and weeks later when he passed. My uncle was my hero, a courageous and wise mentor. Just months before passing, he urged me to follow my dream of becoming a PA. I assured him I was on my way. In early 2010, I began shadowing an orthopedic PA at a large practice near Chicago. There, I observed the surgeon and PA working side-by-side on shoulder and knee repairs and the dynamic discussions following patient visits. They worked as a team, the trust and respect between them palpable. A few months later, I became a certified EMT and shadowed PAs and ED physicians in the XXXXXXX, Illinois hospital where I currently work as an ED Tech. Working in a 30-bed Level II Trauma Center is a daily lesson in anticipating, observing, learning and compassion. From heart attacks to pediatric emergencies to caring for victims of violent crimes, I have assisted the physicians, PAs and nurses full-time since March 2011. Each day, I perform 12-lead EKGs, phlebotomy, triage, point of care testing, and assist with procedures ranging from lumbar punctures to CPR during codes. Today, I am submitting my application in hopes of earning a place in your PA program. Persevering beyond what I was comfortable with to become what I was meant to do has taught me a great deal about myself. I offer my tenacity, work ethic, passion for excellence and dedication to become an outstanding PA. Thank you taking time to read my brief introduction. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Littlegwood Posted July 21, 2011 Author Share Posted July 21, 2011 ok thanks everyone for the help! my application is officially submitted. fingers are crossed! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Littlegwood Posted July 21, 2011 Author Share Posted July 21, 2011 ok thanks everyone for the help! my application is officially submitted. fingers are crossed! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xiongav Posted July 21, 2011 Share Posted July 21, 2011 It was my second month as an Emergency Department(ED) Tech, and I was in my element directing the team-an attending ED Physician, Physician Assistant (PA) and nurse through a maze of hallways. We were responding to a rare ‘stork’ code in the Labor and Delivery wing. This code signaled all OB/GYNs were in procedures, so we were en route to deliver a premature baby to a seriously ill mother. Thankfully, both baby and mother survived. Reading just the first paragraph, I already noticed a few things you may want to modify. But, of course, it is entirely up to you. These are only suggestions :D. -How is one in their element, directing a team? -Emergency Department Technician (EDT) -Place a colon after "team" (:) -If you stated it as "the team," does that mean there is only one team of that nature? Should it be "a team, my team, my medical team?" follow it with (which consists of a:) -Place an "a" before physician assistant and an "a" before nurse -Change "maze" to "labyrinth." Although this is a synonym, using bigger words actually shows that you possess a good handling for graduate-level vocab. -Are you supposed to spell out OB/GYN, too? "This code signaled all OB/GYNs were in procedures, so we were en route to deliver a premature baby to a seriously ill mother." -->Are OB/GYn, real people? If so, spell out OB followed by (OB), insert "and" spell out GYN and insert (GYN). This sentence is very perplexing. Is OB/GYN a certain procedural name to perform once the stork code is activated? Thankfully, both baby and mother survived. -->What did you (or/and your medical team) do to ensure the survival of the baby? Attribute strong adjectives to the precise and effective performance (medical care) of your team here. (I think a short explanation would strengthen this area). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xiongav Posted July 21, 2011 Share Posted July 21, 2011 It was my second month as an Emergency Department(ED) Tech, and I was in my element directing the team-an attending ED Physician, Physician Assistant (PA) and nurse through a maze of hallways. We were responding to a rare ‘stork’ code in the Labor and Delivery wing. This code signaled all OB/GYNs were in procedures, so we were en route to deliver a premature baby to a seriously ill mother. Thankfully, both baby and mother survived. Reading just the first paragraph, I already noticed a few things you may want to modify. But, of course, it is entirely up to you. These are only suggestions :D. -How is one in their element, directing a team? -Emergency Department Technician (EDT) -Place a colon after "team" (:) -If you stated it as "the team," does that mean there is only one team of that nature? Should it be "a team, my team, my medical team?" follow it with (which consists of a:) -Place an "a" before physician assistant and an "a" before nurse -Change "maze" to "labyrinth." Although this is a synonym, using bigger words actually shows that you possess a good handling for graduate-level vocab. -Are you supposed to spell out OB/GYN, too? "This code signaled all OB/GYNs were in procedures, so we were en route to deliver a premature baby to a seriously ill mother." -->Are OB/GYn, real people? If so, spell out OB followed by (OB), insert "and" spell out GYN and insert (GYN). This sentence is very perplexing. Is OB/GYN a certain procedural name to perform once the stork code is activated? Thankfully, both baby and mother survived. -->What did you (or/and your medical team) do to ensure the survival of the baby? Attribute strong adjectives to the precise and effective performance (medical care) of your team here. (I think a short explanation would strengthen this area). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Littlegwood Posted July 21, 2011 Author Share Posted July 21, 2011 Thank you for your assistance... I read your remarks just prior to hitting submit and think you had some excellent points (so thank you!) I really appreciate it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Littlegwood Posted July 21, 2011 Author Share Posted July 21, 2011 Thank you for your assistance... I read your remarks just prior to hitting submit and think you had some excellent points (so thank you!) I really appreciate it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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