Am I on the right track?

[jesscbv]

Please pick it apart. This is my billionth complete re-write. I've been volunteering at a couple of free clinics, and one in particular is the epitome of my "future dream job." It's working with homeless youths, and my experience there has played a large role in shaping my ambition for becoming a PA. I want that desire to come across in this essay, but I don't want to sound preachy. Help a girl out! :=D:

 

edit: deleted the essay from the site. PAMAC has yet another good point. You're on a roll today. ;-) thanks for reading.