Critique my Admission Essay.

Seth Bailey · June 9, 2011

I've been working on this stupid thing for the better part of a week, and i believe i have hit a dead end. The schools that i am really hoping on getting into ask you address a question in your essay. The two questions are, "Describe what has influenced you the most in your decision to become a Physician Assistant. Also define the role you will play in the health care system as a Physician Assistant" and "what traits do you possess that you think would make you a good PA" respectively. Can anyone give some advice on how to A: make my essay better and B: anyway can i answer these questions in my essay a little bit better.

seriously, ALL criticism is welcomed.

thanks,

<m:smallfrac m:val="off"> <m:dispdef> <m:lmargin m:val="0"> <m:rmargin m:val="0"> <m:defjc m:val="centerGroup"> <m:wrapindent m:val="1440"> <m:intlim m:val="subSup"> <m:narylim m:val="undOvr"> </m:narylim></m:intlim> </m:wrapindent>

<m:smallfrac m:val="off"> <m:dispdef> <m:lmargin m:val="0"> <m:rmargin m:val="0"> <m:defjc m:val="centerGroup"> <m:wrapindent m:val="1440"> <m:intlim m:val="subSup"> <m:narylim m:val="undOvr"> </m:narylim></m:intlim> </m:wrapindent> When I walked through those sliding glass doors I wasn’t quite sure which was worse; the swarming rabble of butterflies in my stomach, or the constant pounding in my chest. I was only a few steps inside of the doors when they began to close. That was when it happened. I knew this would happen, I had dreaded this moment ever since I decided to accept this job. I just didn’t think something as simple as the shrill mechanical sound of sliding glass doors would be what would trigger the flood of memories and emotions of the night I lost my father. As I stood there, scanning the Emergency Department, reliving the night my father died I decided to take a moment and reconsider this decision,

“What am I doing here? This place has nothing but bad memories for me.”

I pushed these thoughts aside quickly. I had anticipated this. I was strong and prepared, and strangely enough, I was very excited. My shoes felt like they were nailed to the floor as I closed the distance to the nurses’ station. I realized I only had a few more seconds, so I decided to rehearse my “lines” one last time.

“Hello, my name’s Seth. You must be Dr. Francis.”

“Dr. Francis? I’m Seth; I’m your new scribe”

I must have said the same few words a thousand different ways, and none of them sounded good enough to be the first words I say to an accomplished Doctor. I was getting closer; I could see Dr Francis now. He was talking to a nurse and writing in a chart, all while not taking his eyes off the telemetry monitor at the nurses’ station. I stopped and stood behind the nurse. They were talking about a patient’s medication list, so I thought I had a few minutes more to rehearse my lines. I looked down at my feet and began mouthing my lines to my feet. A few seconds passed and I looked up, the nurse was gone. I closed my eyes and thought to myself:

“Alright, this is it.”

I took a deep breath. But before I could even begin to exhale I was greeted by a loud exclamation, “Well hello there, I’m Dr Francis, and you must be Seth.”

My duties as an Emergency Room scribe included organizing charts for the ER physician, as well as taking adequate patient history, ordering labs, ordering medications, and helping to ensure the ER physicians time is spent helping patients, and not working on their charts. During my time as a scribe I worked side by side with the over-worked ER physicians. In return for handling a small portion of their workload the ER physicians gave me a front row seat to several medical procedures that used to be reserved for hospital staff and medical students. To my surprise they were more than willing to describe every detail as if I were a distinguished colleague. The more I saw as time went on, the more my curiosity grew. I started to ask more questions and the doctors seemed excited to show me more. I can recall on more than one occasion getting a one on one walkthrough of endotracheal intubations, suture repairs, joint reductions, even a lumbar puncture. After only a matter of weeks, I was hooked.

After just a few months of working in the ER I knew I wanted to work in medicine. I knew I wanted to help people. I just didn’t know how. I loved working alongside the doctors. I loved the feeling of knowing that I was shouldering some of the burden for these men who save lives on a daily basis. When I was a child I had aspirations of becoming a doctor and the excitement of the ER had awoke those childhood aspirations. When I discussed my thoughts with the ER physicians I received nothing but encouragement. So that was it. It was decided. I would go to med school and become a physician.

I parked my car in the usual spot, it wasn’t the closest spot to the ED(you might want to write some abbreviations out) doors but I liked the walk. It gave me a chance to check my email and voicemail before I turned my phone off for my twelve hours shift. I closed my car door and began my walk. As I walked, I was fumbling through my pockets trying to find the lock button on my keychain remote when the familiar “ding” of my cell phone alerted me of an email. I stopped and pulled out my phone. It was an email from my supervisor. The email stated that there would be a new PA working in the ED starting today and I was to work with him, instead of the ED physician. This would be my introduction to the Physician’s Assistant profession. This would be my first look at the profession I believe I was born for.

Throughout the next several weeks I followed the PA into rooms to see patients, just as I had for ER Doctors. The patients would give the same answers, the same civility to the PA as they would the Doctor. The PA would order his own lab work, meds, look at and interpret his patients x-rays, write patients prescriptions. When I was scribing for the doctors I would sometimes ask the doctors loaded questions, purposefully trying to find more points I could add to the “reasons I should go to med school” column, hoping I could convince myself I wanted to be a physician. It didn’t take too long I began playing the same game when I was scribing for the PA, only the more questions I asked and the more I found out, the more I fell in love with the profession. I was astonished to learn I could become a Physician’s Assistant in two years, with a fraction of the debt of med school, and I could begin working with patients as soon as I graduated. I was sold. This is what I want to do with my life.

The sound seemed to echo off every square foot of concrete in the gymnasium before it actually reached my ears. Even if I purposefully tried to listen to the speaker I could only make out muffled vowel sounds and the occasional hiss of a word that begins with an “s” or the click of a “t”. All my fellow classmates were anxious, whispering and shuffling their feet. I couldn’t blame them though, you only graduate once. I found myself looking ominously at the large clock above the scoreboard. The longer I stared at the clock the more silent the room became and the more conscious thought seeped from my mind until I was just sitting there. I wasn’t thinking about graduation, I wasn’t worried about tripping when I went to get my diploma. I was just sitting there. Then it hit me. After more than two hundred college credits, four different majors, and several different ventures into the workforce searching for the career that made me happy, I was graduating. And I knew what I wanted to do with my life.

If I could give you one thing to take away from my application and reading my essay, I hope you see me as I am. I want you to know there is more to me than scribing experience and average grades. I want you to know that I am a man who worked hard and paid his way through seven years of college. I am a man who changed majors four times looking for a career that makes him happy. I am a man who drove two hours a day to go to school. And I am a man who worked sixty to seventy hours a week on top of a full course load to claim my degree. Finally, I am a man who wants to serve the underserved; I want to help those who need help. I want to make a difference in the lives of the people of Appalachia. Admission to Physician’s Assistant school is the first step to becoming who I was born to be.

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thinkertdm · June 9, 2011

I didn't read it, but this drives me bonkers:

"Physician’s Assistant".

jesscbv · June 9, 2011

I like how you draw the reader in with a story. Made it interesting. At the end you say you want to server the underserved...the people of Appalachia. Why? You don't really touch on this in the rest of your essay. What about that specific population draws you to want to serve? Heve you had experience with underserved populations?

devildoc0311 · June 9, 2011

1.The first part of your essay where you "tell a story" IMO should be shortened to 2-3 sentences. To me it seemed like wasted content. Remember EVERY word and sentence should go toward selling yourself. Reading it, I sense a lot of uncertainty. If this were my essay I may start off with a possible connection between the loss of your father and what about that experience drew you to follow a path in medicine. Then, end the introduction with how and why you were introduced into medicine.

2.In the next paragraph you essentially outline the duties of an ER tech. Maybe instead of doing that you can share SPECIFIC procedures that you participated in and how that furthered your EXCITEMENT/CURIOSITY/PASSION --> Instead of "I was hooked."

3. Your desire MD school --> PA school seems a bit weak (debt and time in school)

4. In the conclusion you don't want to introduce any new ideas (i.e. worked while in college, wants to help underserved). These ideas should be meshed in within the body paragraphs of your essay and you should expand upon them while still following the general path (structure/idea) of the essay (the path that led you to want to pursue the PA field). I can say all day that I'm ____ and I want to do ____, but without support, it sounds weak. To make this stronger you need to give specific examples. Why do you want to help the "people of Appalachia"??

Maybe you should find out what the main purpose of your paper is (My path to PA) and make an outline with each paragraph having its own purpose. Remember that each paragraph should segway cleanly into the next.

**Last note, you say you've been working on this "stupid thing" for a week? I worked on my personal statement for over 7 months with over 30-35 revisions and I had 6-7 people review it for me. I'm sure there are many people on this forum that agree that these 5000 characters are probably one of the most essential pieces to the application process that will hopefully change your life in the coming months. That attitude along with "Physician's Assistant" are head shakers.

Just my $.02 - Good Luck!

Hemegroup · June 9, 2011

Ditto devildoc, completely. Nice start, but needs a lot of work. And I too worked on my essay for months, with multiple revisions and reviews.

Fyi, for future reference ... I think I understand your lightheartedness. But know that people aren't you and don't necessarily process information the same way that you do. Present things calmly, factually and accurately, and that will take you far in the medical field. I know you're excited, that certainly comes across, but remember to largely keep a scientific attitude and manner ... people will be counting on that, they will need that from you.

Seth Bailey · June 10, 2011

I didn't read it, but this drives me bonkers:

"Physician’s Assistant".

i apologize this was one of the "corrected" versions of my essay that i had just got back from one of my professors who was proofreading for me, apparently they weren't very well acquainted with PA profession...

nonetheless, i appreciate the profound insight. :wink:

with that said, all of the helpful criticism i really do appreciate. This is a much more trim and lean version of the original essay i have been working on all throughout my senior year. I've been working part time on all things application related for the past year, but i have just within the past couple of weeks been able to dedicate myself to finishing the important stuff (like my essay).

So basically at the point i'm pretty frustrated with the stupid thing, yes stupid thing. i've trimmed, added, reworded , read, and proofread until my eyeballs are about to fall out. i've read it so many times i can't imagine anything other than what i have written. that's why i decided, against better judgment, to ask strangers on the internet.

Surely, you guys of all people can understand how frustrating it is to try and sum up a decision that will affect the rest of your life in a couple paragraphs, knowing that total strangers are going read it and judge if you're qualified to pursue this decision and if your decision is sincere.

so again all helpful comments are appreciated and thanks to those who already posted helpful comments,

Planteater · June 10, 2011

I would definitely leave out how you were sold on the PA profession because it is faster and cheaper. Those may be your real reasons, but that is not the impression I would want to give. There are so many great things about being a PA- lateral mobility to name one. I liked the stuff you mentioned in your conclusion best- it shows that you work hard and really want this- maybe you could expand on that in the main body of the narrative.

vaston · June 10, 2011

Why is this in the STUDENT section? I believe there is a section dedicated to this very topic?? Mods, please move this to appropriate section. Thanks-

Hemegroup · June 10, 2011

The sound seemed to echo off every square foot of concrete in the gymnasium before it actually reached my ears. Even if I purposefully tried to listen to the speaker I could only make out muffled vowel sounds and the occasional hiss of a word that begins with an “s” or the click of a “t”. All my fellow classmates were anxious, whispering and shuffling their feet. I couldn’t blame them though, you only graduate once. I found myself looking ominously at the large clock above the scoreboard. The longer I stared at the clock the more silent the room became and the more conscious thought seeped from my mind until I was just sitting there. I wasn’t thinking about graduation, I wasn’t worried about tripping when I went to get my diploma. I was just sitting there. Then it hit me. After more than two hundred college credits, four different majors, and several different ventures into the workforce searching for the career that made me happy, I was graduating. And I knew what I wanted to do with my life.

That's pretty darn fluffy. Are you sure you don't want to be a script writer? Bring it down to earth ... let's hear about more of your experience, and less about sound bouncing off concrete walls. You need to show the ADCOMs that you understand what a career in medicine means. Shape it up.

Honestly, and I mean the OP no disrespect, this is one example of where actual hands-on experience makes the difference.

Just Steve · June 10, 2011

When I walked through those sliding glass doors I wasn’t quite sure which was worse; the swarming rabble of butterflies in my stomach, or the constant pounding in my chest. I was only a few steps inside of the doors when they began to close. That was when it happened. I knew this would happen, I had dreaded this moment ever since I decided to accept this job. I just didn’t think something as simple as the shrill mechanical sound of sliding glass doors would be what would trigger the flood of memories and emotions of the night I lost my father. As I stood there, scanning the Emergency Department, reliving the night my father died I decided to take a moment and reconsider this decision,

I think the stuff in red is fluff, the stuff bolded is a bit to work into your essay...drawing a picture how medicine was not your first career choice due to prior history

“What am I doing here? This place has nothing but bad memories for me.”

I pushed these thoughts aside quickly. I had anticipated this. I was strong and prepared, and strangely enough, I was very excited. My shoes felt like they were nailed to the floor as I closed the distance to the nurses’ station. I realized I only had a few more seconds, so I decided to rehearse my “lines” one last time.

“Hello, my name’s Seth. You must be Dr. Francis.”

“Dr. Francis? I’m Seth; I’m your new scribe”

I must have said the same few words a thousand different ways, and none of them sounded good enough to be the first words I say to an accomplished Doctor. I was getting closer; I could see Dr Francis now. He was talking to a nurse and writing in a chart, all while not taking his eyes off the telemetry monitor at the nurses’ station. I stopped and stood behind the nurse. They were talking about a patient’s medication list, so I thought I had a few minutes more to rehearse my lines. I looked down at my feet and began mouthing my lines to my feet. A few seconds passed and I looked up, the nurse was gone. I closed my eyes and thought to myself:

“Alright, this is it.”

I took a deep breath. But before I could even begin to exhale I was greeted by a loud exclamation,

“Well hello there, I’m Dr Francis, and you must be Seth.”

My duties as an Emergency Room scribe included organizing charts for the ER physician, as well as taking adequate patient history, ordering labs, ordering medications, and helping to ensure the ER physicians time is spent helping patients, and not working on their charts.

fluff

I never worked as a scribe, but have a hard time wrapping my mind around the notion that you obtained histories and ordered labs and meds. More likely, you transcribed the verbal orders into the computers. You are writing this essay for people who are medical providers. Blowing smoke at them will turn them off more than motivate them to admit you to their program.

During my time as a scribe I worked side by side with the over-worked ER physicians. In return for handling a small portion of their workload the ER physicians gave me a front row seat to several medical procedures that used to be reserved for hospital staff and medical students. To my surprise they were more than willing to describe every detail as if I were a distinguished colleague.

distinguished colleague gets consulted with to review a patient's situation to brainstorm on treatment regimes...not shown how to do procedures. Just about every job out there has motivated workers who enjoy sharing their trade with inquisitive and attentive newbies. You scored points by paying attention and showing a desire to learn more. I'd focus on that...being a life long student rather than ranking yourself as an equal peer....plus, as a scribe, aren't you hospital staff? So them showing you something wasn't anything super unique or special. It was your job to be there to capture the dictation.

The more I saw as time went on, the more my curiosity grew. I started to ask more questions and the doctors seemed excited to show me more. I can recall on more than one occasion getting a one on one walkthrough of endotracheal intubations, suture repairs, joint reductions, even a lumbar puncture. After only a matter of weeks, I was hooked.

After just a few months of working in the ER I knew I wanted to work in medicine. I knew I wanted to help people. I just didn’t know how. I loved working alongside the doctors. I loved the feeling of knowing that I was shouldering some of the burden for these men who save lives on a daily basis.

Do you really want to make this gender specific? And this Hollywood?

When I was a child I had aspirations of becoming a doctor and the excitement of the ER had awoke those childhood aspirations. When I discussed my thoughts with the ER physicians I received nothing but encouragement. So that was it. It was decided. I would go to med school and become a physician.

You realize this is an essay for PA school, right?

I parked my car in the usual spot, it wasn’t the closest spot to the ED(you might want to write some abbreviations out) doors but I liked the walk. It gave me a chance to check my email and voicemail before I turned my phone off for my twelve hours shift. I closed my car door and began my walk. As I walked, I was fumbling through my pockets trying to find the lock button on my keychain remote when the familiar “ding” of my cell phone alerted me of an email. I stopped and pulled out my phone. It was an email from my supervisor. The email stated that

fluff

there would be a new PA working in the ED starting today and I was to work with him, instead of the ED physician.

This would be my introduction to the Physician’s Assistant profession. This would be my first look at the profession I believe I was born for.

I was born to be an astronaut...then I knew I was to be an architect, later it was a cowboy, then a professional extreme athlete. Statements like "I was born for..." just sound fluffy and from the lexicon of my 7 year old. It's a dreamer's statement. First time I got in an airplane I puked everywhere. Turns out I get wicked airsick. I can't draw to save my life, the smell of cow crap gets on my nerves, and I love donuts more than exercise...dreams change. You need to show how YOU KNOW you can cut it.

Throughout the next several weeks I followed the PA into rooms to see patients, just as I had for ER Doctors. The patients would give the same answers, the same civility to the PA as they would the Doctor. The PA would order his own lab work, meds, look at and interpret his patients x-rays, write patients prescriptions.

Adcoms are aware of what PAs do..no need to remind them.

When I was scribing for the doctors I would sometimes ask the doctors loaded questions, purposefully trying to find more points I could add to the “reasons I should go to med school” column, hoping I could convince myself I wanted to be a physician. It didn’t take too long I began playing the same game when I was scribing for the PA, only the more questions I asked and the more I found out, the more I fell in love with the profession. I was astonished to learn I could become a Physician’s Assistant in two years, with a fraction of the debt of med school, and I could begin working with patients as soon as I graduated. I was sold. This is what I want to do with my life.

because it's a short cut? If these are the reasons you want to go to PA school, I really can't see an Adcom tripping over themselves to bring you on board. I don't know many teams who are into having team members who give up on a task so readily for something that the person think may be easier.

The sound seemed to echo off every square foot of concrete in the gymnasium before it actually reached my ears. Even if I purposefully tried to listen to the speaker I could only make out muffled vowel sounds and the occasional hiss of a word that begins with an “s” or the click of a “t”. All my fellow classmates were anxious, whispering and shuffling their feet. I couldn’t blame them though, you only graduate once. I found myself looking ominously at the large clock above the scoreboard. The longer I stared at the clock the more silent the room became and the more conscious thought seeped from my mind until I was just sitting there. I wasn’t thinking about graduation, I wasn’t worried about tripping when I went to get my diploma. I was just sitting there. Then it hit me.

fluff

After more than two hundred college credits, four different majors, and several different ventures into the workforce searching for the career that made me happy, I was graduating. And I knew what I wanted to do with my life.

If I could give you one thing to take away from my application and reading my essay, I hope you see me as I am. I want you to know there is more to me than scribing experience and average grades. I want you to know that I am a man who worked hard and paid his way through seven years of college. I am a man who changed majors four times looking for a career that makes him happy.

That's a lot of work. You should be proud. I had a long distance commute myself with a full time job and three kids/wife at home. I can feel your struggle. However, you have no direct hands on care with patients and only average grades. I wouldn't throw that up as a positive. Scribing is not direct hands on care. I think it's great medical exposure, I think it will come along and benefit you in the long run, but unless your school specifically says that scribing is good to go in their eyes as adequate health care experience, I'd probably not re iterate it. But if you do mention it...how many hours? I see comments of "weeks" in your writing..but 8 weeks of part time work is only 150 hours or so. What is average grades? C is reported as "average" but I don't see many students getting in with straight C average. Changing your major four times in 7 years sounds like indecision to me. How does the Adcom know that you are fully committed to the difficulties of PA school? I'd focus more on what you have done to prepare for PA school..courses taken, hours worked, hours shadowed...as am employer, if someone came to me and said "I've had four jobs in the past 7 years" I'd feel the applicant is not a good choice to hire because they lack commitment. Any talk of "I'm really committed now" would just be lip service unless I see some hard core steps to prove longevity.

I am a man who drove two hours a day to go to school. And I am a man who worked sixty to seventy hours a week on top of a full course load to claim my degree. Finally, I am a man who wants to serve the underserved; I want to help those who need help. I want to make a difference in the lives of the people of Appalachia. Admission to Physician’s Assistant school is the first step to becoming who I was born to be.

You mention Applachia and driving long distances..guessing schools were not close by. I have spent some time in West By God and the Carolinas and understand some of the difficulties that are faced out there by the residents of that region. I can even understand some of the gender dynamics such as "I am a man"...but that is just melodramatic showmanship. Everyone who attended a community college had someone in their class who drove long distances. I had two or three that went over 100 miles one way three days a week while working...it's not that rare of a situation. I'd find a new way to illustrate the methods you used to overcome hurdles.....and serve the underserved...how? public health clinics? rural hospitals? remote clinics? public education on diabetes and hypertension? ems director? (if your state allows) I don't know what state you are in, but in other readings on this website there has been some discussion that West VA is not PA friendly, where NC is very PA friendly...maybe a little research to what your state allows or does not allow PAs to do may give you some ideas how to serve the rural population...no need to write some essay on how you are going to help the underserved only to find out that you can't perform those plans in that particular state.

I wrote a pretty brutal break down of your essay. I don't mean to be a prick, but I was honest with how I felt as I read it. It's a lot of fluff without much substance. I understand you have worked hard, overcame some obstacles ranging from the death of your father to living in a remote area without local schools, having to work to live while you went to school. You ran into some scholastic issues and worked hard to get past it but hit some hiccups. But you avoid any specifics really. It reads more like a novel or a script than a recount of your preparation for the next step in your education. You are competing against people who are as motivated about getting into school as you are, maybe even more. They have worked hard to get above average grades and may have more direct hands on care such as CNAs, MAs, LPNs, EMTs ect. Your PS and the letters of recommendation you get from PAs may be the only thing that gets you a leg up on the competition. You need to rock it hard, not deliver some soap opera.

Good luck

Seth Bailey · June 10, 2011

When I walked through those sliding glass doors I wasn’t quite sure which was worse; the swarming rabble of butterflies in my stomach, or the constant pounding in my chest. I was only a few steps inside of the doors when they began to close. That was when it happened. I knew this would happen, I had dreaded this moment ever since I decided to accept this job. I just didn’t think something as simple as the shrill mechanical sound of sliding glass doors would be what would trigger the flood of memories and emotions of the night I lost my father. As I stood there, scanning the Emergency Department, reliving the night my father died I decided to take a moment and reconsider this decision,

I think the stuff in red is fluff, the stuff bolded is a bit to work into your essay...drawing a picture how medicine was not your first career choice due to prior history

“What am I doing here? This place has nothing but bad memories for me.”

I pushed these thoughts aside quickly. I had anticipated this. I was strong and prepared, and strangely enough, I was very excited. My shoes felt like they were nailed to the floor as I closed the distance to the nurses’ station. I realized I only had a few more seconds, so I decided to rehearse my “lines” one last time.

“Hello, my name’s Seth. You must be Dr. Francis.”

“Dr. Francis? I’m Seth; I’m your new scribe”

I must have said the same few words a thousand different ways, and none of them sounded good enough to be the first words I say to an accomplished Doctor. I was getting closer; I could see Dr Francis now. He was talking to a nurse and writing in a chart, all while not taking his eyes off the telemetry monitor at the nurses’ station. I stopped and stood behind the nurse. They were talking about a patient’s medication list, so I thought I had a few minutes more to rehearse my lines. I looked down at my feet and began mouthing my lines to my feet. A few seconds passed and I looked up, the nurse was gone. I closed my eyes and thought to myself:

“Alright, this is it.”

I took a deep breath. But before I could even begin to exhale I was greeted by a loud exclamation,

“Well hello there, I’m Dr Francis, and you must be Seth.”

My duties as an Emergency Room scribe included organizing charts for the ER physician, as well as taking adequate patient history, ordering labs, ordering medications, and helping to ensure the ER physicians time is spent helping patients, and not working on their charts.

fluff

I never worked as a scribe, but have a hard time wrapping my mind around the notion that you obtained histories and ordered labs and meds. More likely, you transcribed the verbal orders into the computers. You are writing this essay for people who are medical providers. Blowing smoke at them will turn them off more than motivate them to admit you to their program.

During my time as a scribe I worked side by side with the over-worked ER physicians. In return for handling a small portion of their workload the ER physicians gave me a front row seat to several medical procedures that used to be reserved for hospital staff and medical students. To my surprise they were more than willing to describe every detail as if I were a distinguished colleague.

distinguished colleague gets consulted with to review a patient's situation to brainstorm on treatment regimes...not shown how to do procedures. Just about every job out there has motivated workers who enjoy sharing their trade with inquisitive and attentive newbies. You scored points by paying attention and showing a desire to learn more. I'd focus on that...being a life long student rather than ranking yourself as an equal peer....plus, as a scribe, aren't you hospital staff? So them showing you something wasn't anything super unique or special. It was your job to be there to capture the dictation.

The more I saw as time went on, the more my curiosity grew. I started to ask more questions and the doctors seemed excited to show me more. I can recall on more than one occasion getting a one on one walkthrough of endotracheal intubations, suture repairs, joint reductions, even a lumbar puncture. After only a matter of weeks, I was hooked.

After just a few months of working in the ER I knew I wanted to work in medicine. I knew I wanted to help people. I just didn’t know how. I loved working alongside the doctors. I loved the feeling of knowing that I was shouldering some of the burden for these men who save lives on a daily basis.

Do you really want to make this gender specific? And this Hollywood?

When I was a child I had aspirations of becoming a doctor and the excitement of the ER had awoke those childhood aspirations. When I discussed my thoughts with the ER physicians I received nothing but encouragement. So that was it. It was decided. I would go to med school and become a physician.

You realize this is an essay for PA school, right?

I parked my car in the usual spot, it wasn’t the closest spot to the ED(you might want to write some abbreviations out) doors but I liked the walk. It gave me a chance to check my email and voicemail before I turned my phone off for my twelve hours shift. I closed my car door and began my walk. As I walked, I was fumbling through my pockets trying to find the lock button on my keychain remote when the familiar “ding” of my cell phone alerted me of an email. I stopped and pulled out my phone. It was an email from my supervisor. The email stated that

fluff

there would be a new PA working in the ED starting today and I was to work with him, instead of the ED physician.

This would be my introduction to the Physician’s Assistant profession. This would be my first look at the profession I believe I was born for.

I was born to be an astronaut...then I knew I was to be an architect, later it was a cowboy, then a professional extreme athlete. Statements like "I was born for..." just sound fluffy and from the lexicon of my 7 year old. It's a dreamer's statement. First time I got in an airplane I puked everywhere. Turns out I get wicked airsick. I can't draw to save my life, the smell of cow crap gets on my nerves, and I love donuts more than exercise...dreams change. You need to show how YOU KNOW you can cut it.

Throughout the next several weeks I followed the PA into rooms to see patients, just as I had for ER Doctors. The patients would give the same answers, the same civility to the PA as they would the Doctor. The PA would order his own lab work, meds, look at and interpret his patients x-rays, write patients prescriptions.

Adcoms are aware of what PAs do..no need to remind them.

When I was scribing for the doctors I would sometimes ask the doctors loaded questions, purposefully trying to find more points I could add to the “reasons I should go to med school” column, hoping I could convince myself I wanted to be a physician. It didn’t take too long I began playing the same game when I was scribing for the PA, only the more questions I asked and the more I found out, the more I fell in love with the profession. I was astonished to learn I could become a Physician’s Assistant in two years, with a fraction of the debt of med school, and I could begin working with patients as soon as I graduated. I was sold. This is what I want to do with my life.

because it's a short cut? If these are the reasons you want to go to PA school, I really can't see an Adcom tripping over themselves to bring you on board. I don't know many teams who are into having team members who give up on a task so readily for something that the person think may be easier.

The sound seemed to echo off every square foot of concrete in the gymnasium before it actually reached my ears. Even if I purposefully tried to listen to the speaker I could only make out muffled vowel sounds and the occasional hiss of a word that begins with an “s” or the click of a “t”. All my fellow classmates were anxious, whispering and shuffling their feet. I couldn’t blame them though, you only graduate once. I found myself looking ominously at the large clock above the scoreboard. The longer I stared at the clock the more silent the room became and the more conscious thought seeped from my mind until I was just sitting there. I wasn’t thinking about graduation, I wasn’t worried about tripping when I went to get my diploma. I was just sitting there. Then it hit me.

fluff

After more than two hundred college credits, four different majors, and several different ventures into the workforce searching for the career that made me happy, I was graduating. And I knew what I wanted to do with my life.

If I could give you one thing to take away from my application and reading my essay, I hope you see me as I am. I want you to know there is more to me than scribing experience and average grades. I want you to know that I am a man who worked hard and paid his way through seven years of college. I am a man who changed majors four times looking for a career that makes him happy.

That's a lot of work. You should be proud. I had a long distance commute myself with a full time job and three kids/wife at home. I can feel your struggle. However, you have no direct hands on care with patients and only average grades. I wouldn't throw that up as a positive. Scribing is not direct hands on care. I think it's great medical exposure, I think it will come along and benefit you in the long run, but unless your school specifically says that scribing is good to go in their eyes as adequate health care experience, I'd probably not re iterate it. But if you do mention it...how many hours? I see comments of "weeks" in your writing..but 8 weeks of part time work is only 150 hours or so. What is average grades? C is reported as "average" but I don't see many students getting in with straight C average. Changing your major four times in 7 years sounds like indecision to me. How does the Adcom know that you are fully committed to the difficulties of PA school? I'd focus more on what you have done to prepare for PA school..courses taken, hours worked, hours shadowed...as am employer, if someone came to me and said "I've had four jobs in the past 7 years" I'd feel the applicant is not a good choice to hire because they lack commitment. Any talk of "I'm really committed now" would just be lip service unless I see some hard core steps to prove longevity.

I am a man who drove two hours a day to go to school. And I am a man who worked sixty to seventy hours a week on top of a full course load to claim my degree. Finally, I am a man who wants to serve the underserved; I want to help those who need help. I want to make a difference in the lives of the people of Appalachia. Admission to Physician’s Assistant school is the first step to becoming who I was born to be.

You mention Applachia and driving long distances..guessing schools were not close by. I have spent some time in West By God and the Carolinas and understand some of the difficulties that are faced out there by the residents of that region. I can even understand some of the gender dynamics such as "I am a man"...but that is just melodramatic showmanship. Everyone who attended a community college had someone in their class who drove long distances. I had two or three that went over 100 miles one way three days a week while working...it's not that rare of a situation. I'd find a new way to illustrate the methods you used to overcome hurdles.....and serve the underserved...how? public health clinics? rural hospitals? remote clinics? public education on diabetes and hypertension? ems director? (if your state allows) I don't know what state you are in, but in other readings on this website there has been some discussion that West VA is not PA friendly, where NC is very PA friendly...maybe a little research to what your state allows or does not allow PAs to do may give you some ideas how to serve the rural population...no need to write some essay on how you are going to help the underserved only to find out that you can't perform those plans in that particular state.

I wrote a pretty brutal break down of your essay. I don't mean to be a prick, but I was honest with how I felt as I read it. It's a lot of fluff without much substance. I understand you have worked hard, overcame some obstacles ranging from the death of your father to living in a remote area without local schools, having to work to live while you went to school. You ran into some scholastic issues and worked hard to get past it but hit some hiccups. But you avoid any specifics really. It reads more like a novel or a script than a recount of your preparation for the next step in your education. You are competing against people who are as motivated about getting into school as you are, maybe even more. They have worked hard to get above average grades and may have more direct hands on care such as CNAs, MAs, LPNs, EMTs ect. Your PS and the letters of recommendation you get from PAs may be the only thing that gets you a leg up on the competition. You need to rock it hard, not deliver some soap opera.

Good luck

seriously, thanks a bunch...

I don't really know how i want this thing to end up but i do know how i don't want it to end up. i don't want it to be two pages of back patting and i don't want it to be boring, hence all the fluff. Over the past couple months i've read a bunch of sample essays and examples and i just can't imagine being the person who actually reads and reviews a couple hundred of these. I want mine to be memorable, as i guess everyone else does.

Seth Bailey · June 12, 2011

i think just steve is pretty much right in his brutal breakdown. so much fluff. you are in a bit of a tough position (at least when consulting these boards), because most of the folks here endorse high hce numbers. steve is right that an undesireable thing to do would be to oversell the scribing. adcom folks know what scribes do, and thier limitations. i'd mention things you saw in detail and how much you loved it.... that aspect. for many programs, scribe work will be way better than what a lot of applicants bring to the table, but for others it will be short. so take the advice from here and apply it with that in mind. if you have a lower gpa, then you are going to want to shoot for schools that want high hce numbers, so you have to be mindful that you are putting your hce in the same game with folks that are paramedics, nurses, etc, and you dont want to look silly by portraying yourself as if you were making tough calls.

one thing i respect and can see how it would be difficult for you to explore is your fathers condition. im not sure how many applicants have experiences like that that they use as a basis for thier PS, but i bet there are plenty. personally, i think its respectable to hold back on that like you have, just because its obvious that you arent interested in throwing it out there in detail, and im not sure that its necessary. you can make an impact in other ways. because hce is your weak point, id focus on the things you've seen, and how a lot of that inspires you (not in a frilly way, but at your core). introducing drama is one way to get attention, but so is plain speaking. steve mentions blowing smoke... he's right. want to be refreshing? tell these folks who you are, what inspires you, how hard you've worked to get there, and what you've seen that makes you know you want to do this. your current draft is a dance around the obvious. id cut out the screenplay narrative... everytime i read any kind of essay like that, i get the same kind of feeling that i get when i see someone doing something that is embarassing to them and they dont know it. just say things like "despite my initial hesitation, i loved my first day scribing. the friendly doctor greeted me with a smile and a firm handshake.... ". stuff like that. its more confident, and says more with less than putting in all the dialogue.

anyway, good luck with this... this is a tough part about applying.

Thank you for the reply,

I had thought about adding more in about when my dad died, but it just didn't feel right. I know alot of people use the death of a loved one as the reason they wanted to be in medicine. If anything the death of my dad kept me out of anything resembling a hospital from 2007 until i decided to take the scribe job in 2010.

Right now i'm trying to rework alot of stuff and i know I really want to add in a couple instances of the more interesting things i see in the er but just about everything interesting has been a patient i've seen with one of the doctors. I only scribed for the PA for about a month and a half, long enough for him to get comfortable with the emr. The whole time i was with him we got normal average stuff. to be honest the only patient i even remember seeing with the PA was a kid who dropped something on his foot. the only reason i remember that is because it was the first time i saw someones toenail removed, and i don't exactly think that is the kind of thing the adcoms want to read about. so yet again im stuck, i don't want to add in experiences about the really serious patients because this is stuff the PA most likely wouldn't deal with. i don't know how to add in this stuff and still sound like i want to be a PA not an MD.

has anyone else have a similar problem while writing their essay?

Hemegroup · June 12, 2011

... i don't want to add in experiences about the really serious patients because this is stuff the PA most likely wouldn't deal with.

ohhhh nooooo he didn't just say that ...

young man, you have a lot to learn and a ways to go ... and didn't you say you had followed a PA for weeks?

Throughout the next several weeks I followed the PA into rooms to see patients, just as I had for ER Doctors. The patients would give the same answers, the same civility to the PA as they would the Doctor. The PA would order his own lab work, meds, look at and interpret his patients x-rays, write patients prescriptions. When I was scribing for the doctors I would sometimes ask the doctors loaded questions, purposefully trying to find more points I could add to the “reasons I should go to med school” column, hoping I could convince myself I wanted to be a physician. It didn’t take too long I began playing the same game when I was scribing for the PA, only the more questions I asked and the more I found out, the more I fell in love with the profession. I was astonished to learn I could become a Physician’s Assistant in two years, with a fraction of the debt of med school, and I could begin working with patients as soon as I graduated. I was sold. This is what I want to do with my life.

truthfully, my troll alert is starting to warm ...

Seth Bailey · June 12, 2011

ohhhh nooooo he didn't just say that ...

young man, you have a lot to learn and a ways to go ... and didn't you say you had followed a PA for weeks?

truthfully, my troll alert is starting to warm ...

I've only worked in ONE er... Hell i've only BEEN in one er, so all i know about PA's that work in Emergency Rooms are what i have seen for myself. And the PA in the er i worked worked in the fast track part of the ER. He never saw any trauma he never had to intubate a patient, he never ran a code, it may be different in other emergency rooms but i can only talk about MY personal experiences.

and i don't know about you but i consider one month and a half (5 -6 weeks) what someone would call several.

So really... what's the prob?

Hemegroup · June 12, 2011

All you remember is a toenail?

... to be honest the only patient i even remember seeing with the PA was a kid who dropped something on his foot.

Things aren't adding up.

Seth Bailey · June 12, 2011

All you remember is a toenail?

Things aren't adding up.

yes, after 5 -6 weeks of working with the PA in a small rural emergency room, the most memorable thing i can recall is a toenail.

Critique my Admission Essay.

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