3rd draft... this is the one!

[calviinh]

EDIT 5/2/16 I've posted an updated version as a reply at the bottom! Thanks!

 

Hey team, 

 

This isn't the final draft, there are still some grammar and tense errors... I totaled about 3400 characters and 590ish words.  Feel free to leave a piece of advice or feedback! 

Thanks for taking a look!

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It was another hectic evening interning in the emergency department.  Between 

taking vitals at the fast track and rooming patients, I was pulled out to perform an EKG on a 

healthy 36 y/o male patient complaining of chest pain.  After an abnormal read, he was 

transferred to priority immediately. The department began to buzz with excitement and 

staff crowded around the room.  The patient was suffering from a myocardial infarction 

unique to people over the age of 70.  I stood there captivated by the excitement of the 

health care team communicating orders back and forth, administering medications I’ve 

only learned about in school, and watched the numbers change on the monitor accordingly.  

After the CT scan, I scrubbed up and watched in awe as the surgeon performed an 

angiogram.  The patient ended up making a speedy recovery after a stent was put in place.  

The experiences in this department paired with my own passion for medicine fuel my 

dream of delivering quality health care in a newly enhanced role as a Physician Assistant.

 

My life has prepared me for the PA profession in many ways.  I owe my traits of 

compassion and work ethic to two hardworking Vietnamese immigrants who I am proud to 

call my parents.  Through countless weekends spent at our struggling family shop, I was 

able to develop relationship and gain a deep sense of cultural sensitivity of the surrounding 

homeless and underserved community.  Despite the pressure to quit school and get a full 

time job to help support our family, I was determined to further my education so that I can 

address the healthcare needs and impact the lives of these individuals.  With minimal 

guidance I was able to work for my parents on the weekends, intern at the hospital, 

organize health fairs, and still managed to keep my grades up and become a first generation 

college graduate.  Equipped with efficient time management skills, I am compelled to take 

on the rigors of PA school.  

 

My time spent at the shop has motivated me to be an advocate of providing health 

care to those with limited access.  During my undergrad, I took on a leadership role of a 

minority-focused organization that organizes free clinics for those who lack insurance and 

the homeless.  I felt great satisfaction in being able to explain the importance of controlling 

blood sugar or smoking cessation to the patients.  It was during this time that I learned that 

patient education is the key ingredient in their health beyond the acute investigations and 

intervention of the Emergency Department. Presently, as a medical assistant I am able to 

take detailed histories, work up, and educate patients about their active medical conditions.  

Not only will it give these patients control over their lives, but also it will lessen the fear 

and anxiety that may comes with it.  A simple “Thank you,” resonates heavily with me 

knowing the difference I’ve been able to make for someone else. 

 

Given all the green lights in my life given the hard work, education, community 

involvement, and clinical experience; I wouldn’t be able to do it without the spiritual 

support of my friends and family in knowing that health care is what I want to do.  I am 

very fortunate for how much I have learned through my lifetime and I feel that my 

temperament is a good fit for the field.  It is truly a genuine honor and calling to work 

towards my professional goal of becoming a humble and respected Physician Assistant.

[Disco Lafleur]

I like this a lot, but everything is a work in progress until it is submitted, and I would say the place to focus is your conclusion. I think the second half of the conclusion is good, but the first half needs some work. I would take out that whole first sentence of the final paragraph and instead put something in there that ties back into something you said already. I would probably reference the story about the patient in the emergency room. Also, possibly, you could add a story about the work your parents did in the shop and refer back to that. Conclusions are best, I believe, when they reach back to something previously said and tie the whole piece up nicely.

[paproof]

I agree, conclusion could use a little work, but the former part of the essay looks pretty good.  Great job!

[calviinh]

Thanks for the feedback!  I'm worried about I'm not detailed enough in the writing.  What do you think guys think?  Should I expand more on some of the things I touched on? 

[MMuela]

The into paragraph reads well, but it's a little thick with ER jargon - change 36 y/o male to a 36 year old man, ect. In the conclusion I would removed what you don't have (the spiritual support of my friends and family) and focus on what you do have that will propel you through the rigors of PA school. Overall it  provides a strong since of your academic and personal background.

[calviinh]

Hi All,

Just an updated version of my narrative.  Please let me know what you think.  It still has grammar issues, but I will continue to work on that!  Thanks!

 

It was another hectic evening in the emergency department.  Between taking vitals at the fast track and rooming patients, I was pulled out to perform an EKG on a healthy 36-year-old male patient who was complaining of chest pain.  After an abnormal read, he was transferred to priority immediately.  Suspense and tension quickly surfaced as the medical team moved quickly to stabilize the patient.  He was suffering from a myocardial infarction unique to people under the age of 70.  As I observed the health team communicating orders back and forth, I remained focused and tried to think about what I could do to be more helpful.  The environment was intense and exhilarating.  I watched as they administered medications I have only learned about in school, and observed the numbers change on the monitor accordingly.   After the CT scan, I scrubbed in while the surgeon prepared to perform an angiogram.  The patient ultimately ended up making a speedy recovery after a stent was put in place.  My experiences as an intern here paired with my passion for medicine fuels my dream of returning to the ED to deliver quality care in a newly enhanced role as a Physician Assistant.

 

My life has prepared me for the PA profession in numerous ways.  I owe my traits of compassion and work ethic to two hardworking Vietnamese immigrants whom I am proud to call my parents.  Through countless weekends spent at our struggling family shop in Downtown Los Angeles, I was able to develop relationships and gain a deep sense of cultural sensitivity to the surrounding homeless and underserved community.  Despite the pressure to quit school and get a full time job to help support our family, I was determined to further my education so that I can address the healthcare needs and impact the lives of these individuals.  With minimal guidance, I was able to work part-time at the shop, volunteer at the hospital, organize health fairs, and managed to keep my grades up to become a first generation college graduate.  Equipped with efficient time management skills, I am ready to take on the rigors of PA school. 

 

In the years spent working at our family shop, I became friends with the locals and many good people living on the streets; I listened and grew to know their needs.  It motivated me to be an advocate of providing healthcare to those with limited access.  I applied that motivation during my undergrad by taking on a leadership role in a minority-focused organization that worked to coordinate free health fairs aimed at those who lack insurance and the homeless.  I felt great satisfaction when given the chance to explain the importance of controlling blood sugar or smoking cessation to patients.  It was during this time that I learned that patient education is the key ingredient in their health, beyond the acute investigations and intervention of the Emergency Department.  Presently, as a medical technician in a largely monolingual Latino base clinic, I go the extra mile to give the doctor a detailed analysis of the patient and also educate them about their active medical conditions.  Not only will it give these patients control over their lives, but also lessen the fear and anxiety that may come with it.  A simple “thank you,” resonates heavily with me knowing the difference I was able to make for someone else. 

 

The Physician Assistant profession appeals to me as a humanistic and intellectually stimulating field.  The combination of healer, detective, educator and surgical ability excites me.  To rapidly establish rapport by understanding enough to break barriers of language and culture in order to make patients feel better is most satisfying.  I look forward to returning to the Emergency Department where I will be able to effectively diagnose and treat, educate, and build relationships with patients of my own.  I am extremely fortunate for how much I have learned through my lifetime, and I feel that my temperament is a good fit for the field.  It is truly a genuine calling and an honor to be able to work towards my professional goal of becoming a humble and respected Physician Assistant.