First Rough Draft

[jamiryan]

Helo everyone! I would appreciate any constructive criticism. This is a very rough draft. Thanks

 

 

 

 

I still remember it like it was yesterday. There on the television was the World Trade Center, which had smoke coming from it. At that point I was not aware that a plane had hit it. I stood there in shock and thought how that could have happened. Then suddenly, I watched as the second plane hit the other tower. All over the news, speculation was stirring about terror attacks. Little did I know that day would change my life forever.—that I would be inspired toward a life of public service.

 

Exactly three months later to the day, I joined the Missouri Army National Guard. Prior to September 11^th, I had never entertained the idea of joining the military but I felt a sense of responsibility and a duty to serve my country. I entered the military at age 17. I attended basic training during the summer between my junior and senior year of high school.

 

 Even though I had always been interested in medicine, my career took a different route. In the Army I was a military police officer and after returning home from deployment, I became a deputy sheriff. Even though I found my career in law enforcement challenging and rewarding, something was missing. I still had that interest of medicine in the back of my mind. So I took a big step and left my career to return to college and pursue my dream of working in medicine.I began working at local hospital in order to get a better idea of what I wanted to do. I began working as a monitor tech and unit clerk, eventually becoming a patient care technician. My experiences working in various positions have allowed me to interact with a variety of healthcare professions, from nurses, ancillary staff, and physicians.

 

In June 2010 I deployed with my National Guard unit to Haiti to provide humanitarian relief efforts after the devastating earthquake the island experienced. While in Haiti, my assignment was to provide security for medical professionals as they cared for the thousands of those in need. Day after day, I would see long lines of those who needed help, those who were injured or sick. You could see the pain and suffering in their eyes. While there, I met a healthcare provider who was a physician assistant. Up to that day, I had never heard of the physician assistant profession.

Day in and day out, I observed him as he interacted with the patients. He was committed to seeing as many patients as he could, to provide as much care as he could with what supplies he had. I realized that I wanted to be able to do more for those who were sick and injured. It was during that experience in Haiti that I realized I wanted to become a physician assistant. It was that physician assistants’ commitment to caring for the sick and injured that inspired me, and I hope that one day I can follow his example.

 

Obtaining my undergraduate degree became all the more difficult as I worked through the loss of my brother, cared for my father through illness, juggling my military requirements and working full-time out of necessity.  As a result, my grades suffered, as I could no longer make school my primary focus. I realized that PA school would not be an option with poor grades. I have buckled down and been fortunate enough to have a more flexible work schedule. It has been an uphill climb but through hard work and determination, my grade point average has improved. I am committed to doing whatever it takes to become a physician assistant.

 

 

Mahatma Gandhi once said “The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others”. Through my experiences in the military, as a deputy sheriff and finally to my current position as an emergency medical technician, my life’s work has been a synthesis of public service. These experiences have given me a solid foundation that I believe will help me excel as a physician assistant.

[UGoLong]

Well done! You found a way to discuss your sub-par school performance in a creative way. Good. And good luck!

 

In the interest of getting to your story quicker, you might look at combining the first two paragraphs. Maybe something like this: [ignore the blue and underlining]

 

I remember it like it was yesterday. I stood in shock as I watched the second plane hit the World Trade Center. All over the news, speculation was stirring about terror attacks. Little did I know that day would change my life forever.—that I would be inspired toward a life of public service. Three months later, at age 17, I joined the Missouri Army National Guard. I had never entertained the idea of joining the military but I felt a new-found sense of duty to serve my country. I attended basic training while still in high school, during the summer between my junior and senior years.