Rough Draft-Any Comments/Critiques?

[ajohns734]

Hey guys, I would really appreciate any thoughts and/or critiques about the flow and overall theme of my statement. Is there anything missing or not well expalined?

 

The door flew open and slammed against the adjacent wall. I entered a darkened room where I could only make out the outlines of other patients and hear the noise of chatter and children crying. As my eyes adjusted to the sharp contrast from the glaring sun outside, I slowly made my way to the counter. “Sign in,” said a voice and I looked down to see a chewed-up pin and a pile of torn paper. I wrote my name and date of birth and handed it to the clerk, who pointed out seats against a wall nearby. "Have a seat; we’ll call you when we’re ready.” I took a seat alongside a crowd of young women and children and patiently waited my turn to be seen at my local health department.

 

As a teenager without health insurance, I spent many years “in the system,” seeing first-hand the demand for affordable primary care. My experiences at the local health department made me dread going, never knowing if I would ever see the same provider again. Like many others in my situation, I eventually stopped going.

 

After these experiences, I decided to make a career in healthcare, where I hope to be part of the solution of providing stability for the underprivileged and financially burdened. I began my journey as a pharmacy technician, a job that solidified my interests in the science of medicine and furthered my awareness of the huge role of primary care providers in the health system. This perspective grew substantially when I began working in registration at the emergency department of my local hospital. Just as I had at the health department years earlier, patients without options sat for hours to be seen for fevers and headaches.

 

My observations pushed me to continue with a career in medicine. After graduating from college, I moved home to pursue my career, climbing from being a unit secretary to becoming a patient care technician. There I got my first hands-on experiences with patients. One morning as I was assisting a patient to the bathroom, she began sweating and complaining of blurred vision. I immediately called for someone to come in so we could check her blood sugar levels; it was 37 mg/dL. With the nurse at my side, we got the patient back to bed and gave IV glucose. It was a rite of passage for me; I was happy to have recognized symptoms and then reacted appropriately without hesitation. Moments like this led me to see that I wanted to not only treat patients but learn to diagnose as well.

 

Many of us have mentors who helped guide us in our journeys. After nearly nine years in healthcare, I began working with Mike, a physician assistant on the cardiothoracic surgery unit. I watched him take the extra time with patients to go over each medication, not only to ensure there were no drug interactions but also to explain the purpose of each. When his patients need refills, instead of asking for “the little blue pill,” they can confidently ask for their blood pressure medication. I saw first-hand how understanding a patient’s problems and taking the time to address them can greatly reduce complications and improve the quality of life for those in our communities. PAs play an important role in this mission and they do so as part of a team.

 

A team-based care system is very important to me. I learned the value of a solid support network while struggling after the death of my cousin. The pain of losing my best friend had a profound effect on me and my grade suffered. The personal disappointment I felt after failing two semesters made it difficult for me to continue on my career path. However, with the backing of my friends and family, I was able to push forward and overcome these trials. I was taught stress-management and determination through these hardships and they will aid me as I endeavor this challenging and evolving career as a PA.

 

With my professional training in the medical field, I have a good understanding and appreciate everyone’s roles in healthcare. We come from several backgrounds and experiences that allow us to integrate together and ultimately provide better patient care. I am confident in my ability to translate my skills into my studies as well as future practice and become a successful PA. I am also confident in my ability to relate and help close the gap in available healthcare as a primary care provider.

 

Thanks in advance! 

 

[jlumsden]

Your writing generally flows well.  You give the right amount of time to each healthcare position you've held.  Content wise, I would like to see you highlight some process, such as an ethical dilemma, that walks the reader through your decision making skills.

 

The opening scenario is a little confusing.  It takes me a bit too long to figure out you were in the local free clinic.  I think you could also make it clearer for the reader how your decision to stop going to the health clinic informed your decision to pursue medicine.  I kind of see it, but I have to think about it.

 

Do a hunt for cliches found in application essays.  "I began my journey" and "perspective" could be rephrased; these types of words appear frequently, and are likely to bore the reader (and cause them to skip over some of your details).  If you read early drafts of other essays on this forum, you will find other examples.

 

Once you've done all that, go back through the essay.  Cut 15 unnecessary words.  You're on the right track, and your essay has good bones to work with.  Good luck!

[DiggySRNA]

This is one of those personal statements that I enjoyed reading. It flows well as jlumsden stated but it would be best to refrain from the cliches. Your opening paragraph is just like the others on here...dramatic. If you start you introduction with your current second paragraph, it would be much better and more personal. Then, you should some how tie that to wanting to be a primary care provider (aka your first paragraph while refraining from being overly dramatic). 

 

Overall it's well done, but with minor improvements, it will be that much better.

 

 

Good luck.

[ajohns734]

Thanks to both of you! I have worked a little more on a second draft and I ended up going over the character limit this time. I would appreciate any comments on this one as well.

 

As a teenager without health insurance, I spent many years ignoring symptoms or eking by with whatever remedies I already had at home. Sure, when these methods did not work, I was forced to see a doctor, however, this was rarely the case. Thankfully, I was generally healthy and could manage only going to my health department once a year. Unfortunately, this is not the circumstance for many, and chronic illnesses go undiagnosed and uncontrolled.

I can understand why someone would rather ignore their symptoms than see a doctor. I dreaded going to the health department because I never knew if I would ever see the same provider again. Many just do not recognize the importance of preventive care and how it could save their heart, foot, or even life. Some just feel like they do not connect with their provider or just cannot understand them. Sometimes, it comes down to what is more important right now: eating today or diabetes tomorrow.

 

These observations lead me to pursue healthcare, where I hope to be part of the solution of providing stability for the underprivileged, underrepresented, and financially burdened. Having spent nearly ten years in healthcare, I have interacted with a variety of providers, but it is to a physician assistant (PA) that I relate. PAs help close the gap of disparities within healthcare by providing an affordable means to primary care. Also, with the supportive nature of a PA in the physician-PA team, they are available to allow for more time with each patient. This is important not only in forming a lasting relationship with patients, but also in giving them the knowledge to make healthy decisions. In addition, the generalist training that PAs obtain make them more flexible to adapt to the needs of their community and even carry their skills globally. All of these reasons are significant to me, having seen many of these issues firsthand.

 

Upon graduating from high school, I became a pharmacy technician. This position solidified my interests in the science of medicine and furthered my awareness of the huge role of primary care providers in the health system. I remember, on several occasions, patients coming in and requesting a refill for a medication that they not only could not name but had no idea why it was prescribed. Others, having seen so many different providers, had redundant medications or even drug interactions.

 

After several years at the pharmacy, I knew I wanted to be more involved with patients and began working in registration at the emergency department of my local hospital. I witnessed patients without options sit for hours to be seen for fevers and headaches, just as I had years earlier. For many, this was their primary care experience. One PA there recognized this and provided them extra attention. I watched him take the time to go over each medication these patients were taking, not only to ensure there were no drug interactions but also to explain the purpose of each. When his patients need refills, instead of asking for “the little blue pill,” they can confidently ask for their blood pressure medication. My perspective grew substantially due to this; I wanted to be a patient advocate.

 

I moved home after college to further my career in medicine. Rising from a unit secretary to becoming a patient care technician, I got my first hands-on experiences with patients. This position showed me how rewarding patient care is, even if it can be messy and often thankless. One morning as I was assisting a patient to the bathroom, she began sweating and complaining of blurred vision. I immediately called for someone to come in so we could check her blood sugar levels; it was 37 mg/dL. With the nurse at my side, we got the patient back to bed and gave IV glucose. I am happy to have recognized these symptoms and react appropriately without hesitation. Moments like this led me to see that I want to not only treat patients but learn to diagnose as well.

 

I know the path to becoming a PA will be difficult. A PA program is not only a science-intensive graduate-level platform, but it is in an accelerated format that involves a great deal of dedication and determination. As someone who has held two, sometimes three, jobs while attending university full-time, I am confident in my skills obtained in time- and stress-management. I recall, on several occasions, getting off work, eating in the car on the way to class, coming home to study all night, then doing it all again the next day. The ability to balance multiple obligations while still finding time for yourself takes practice, but is important for mental and physical health as well as success in such a rigorous program. For me, the most significant tool in succeeding under such stress is a strong support network. During my sophomore year in undergrad, I lost my older cousin. Never having dealt with death before, I was unable to cope with losing my best friend; eventually, I failed two semesters. Reflecting upon this irresponsibility, I was able to use the trust and support of my family and friends to overcome this hardship and push forward. These abilities, however, will help me succeed in this challenging new academic path.

 

My professional experiences in several healthcare fields has given me a unique perspective of the process involved in patient care, from the moment they come in to  after they leave. This has made me cognizant and appreciative of everyone’s role in said process. We come from several backgrounds and experiences that allow us to integrate together and ultimately provide better patient care. I am certain in my ability to translate my skills into my studies as well as future practice and become a successful PA. I am also confident that I can relate and help close the gap in available healthcare as a primary care provider.

[jlumsden]

Ajohns -- The second draft is better.  I cut some examples of excessive words, and restated things here and there.  The best way you can continue to improve the essay is to make this experience unique.  Tell us what part of the country (e.g. Rural eastern Pennsylvania, or suburbs in Texas.)  this occurred in.  Tell us what you majored in when you completed your degree.  Tell us how you felt during each scenario, such as if you were nervous or scared early on.  Describe details that help the reader visualize your memories -- like how the public health clinic was crowded and lacked air conditioning.  These details make the reader want to root for you, which is exactly what you need to happen in an application essay.  Good luck!  --jlumsden

 

As a teenager without health insurance, I spent many years ignoring symptoms or eking by (eking might confuse readers -- I'd look for a different verb) with whatever remedies I already had (maybe describe the remedies, such as a few cough drops left over from the last time you were ill.) at home. Sure, when these methods did not work, I was forced to see a doctor, however, this was rarely the case. Thankfully, I was generally healthy and could manage only (by) going to my health department once a year. (The subject seems to change here.  Start a new paragraph.  To do this, you will need to add a sentence to flesh things out.  Maybe you could talk about a time you creatively used one of your home remedies.  This would make the paragraph more interesting too.)

Unfortunately, this is not the circumstance for many, and chronic illnesses go undiagnosed and uncontrolled. (We already know this.  The next sentence is a stronger opener.)

I can understand why someone would rather ignore their symptoms than see a doctor. I dreaded going to the health department because I never knew if I would ever see the same provider again.  (Consider making the story more personal and relatable by describing your own experiences that made you wary of treatment, rather than general details about patients.)  Many just do not recognize the importance of preventive care (see preventative care as a luxury, and over look how...) and how it could save their heart, foot, or even (a) life. Some just feel like they do not connect with their provider or just cannot understand them. Sometimes, it comes down to what is more important right now: eating today or diabetes tomorrow.

 

These observations lead me to pursue healthcare, where I hope to be part of the solution of providing (provide) stability for the underprivileged, underrepresented, and financially burdened.  (What may be better is mentioning that you relate to the underprivileged because you were once underprivileged as well.  Then pull something from your own healthcare experiences that demonstrates this, such as when you made a nervous patient comfortable, or when you explained something in a way that helped the patient understand.)  Having spent nearly ten years in healthcare, I have interacted with a variety of providers, but it is to a physician assistant (PA) that I relate.  (Now describe a similar situation where a PA did something good.)  PAs help close the gap of disparities within healthcare by providing an affordable means to primary care.  (Is this true of all PAs?  Would it be better to say you've seen PAs excel in clinics for the underprivileged?)  Also, with the supportive nature of a PA in the physician-PA team, they are available to allow for more time with each patient.  (This is not always true.  Many PAs also have to make do with fifteen minute appointments.  What else do you like about the PA-physician relationship?)  This is important not only in forming a lasting relationship with patients, but also in giving them the knowledge to make healthy decisions. In addition, the generalist training that PAs obtain make them more flexible to adapt to the needs of their community and even carry their skills globally.  (Rephrase this.) All of these reasons are significant (important) to me, having seen many of these issues first hand.

 

Upon graduating from high school, I became a pharmacy technician. This position solidified my interests in the science of medicine and furthered my awareness of the huge (helped me appreciate the) role of primary care providers in the health system. I remember, on several occasions, patients coming in and requesting a refill for a medication (patients would request refills for medications they could not name, or say why they were prescribed) that they not only could not name but had no idea  why it was prescribed. Others, having seen so many different providers, had redundant medications or even drug interactions.  (If you can, describe one of the customers at the pharmacy -- for example, an old man with a ziplock bag of empty pill bottles.  Make your essay unique to your experiences, so the reader knows it's not the same experience other applicants have had.  Tell us how it made you feel too.)  How did your awareness of primary care providers change as a pharmacy technician?  You've created the expectation that this question will be answered.)

 

After several years at the pharmacy, I knew I wanted to be more involved with (wanted more contact with) patients and began working in registration at (an emergency room) the emergency department of my local hospital. I witnessed patients without options  (what does this mean?) sit for hours to be seen for fevers and headaches, just as I had years earlier.  (...because they lacked access to primary care.  It reminded me of the times I sought care as a teenager.) For many, this was their primary care experience. One PA there (in the cardiothoracic surgery unit) recognized this and provided them extra attention. I watched him take the time to go over each (carefully teach patients about each) medication these patients were taking, not only to ensure there were no (rule out) drug interactions (add comma) but also to explain the purpose of each (their purposes). When his patients need refills (returned), instead of asking for “the little blue pill,” they can confidently ask (asked) for their blood pressure medication. My perspective grew substantially due to this ('perspective' is an overused concept in PA essays); (I admired his respect for patients, and it inspired me to advocate for them as well.)  I wanted to be a patient advocate.  (Now, give an example of how you advocated in the ER!)

 

I moved home after college to further my career in medicine. Rising from a unit secretary to becoming (Later, I became) a patient care technician, I got my first hands-on experiences with patients. This position showed me how rewarding patient care is, even if it can be messy and often thankless. One morning as I was assisting a patient (why was she there?  diabetic emergency?  hypertensive crisis) to the bathroom, she began sweating and complaining of blurred vision. (What were you feeling or thinking?)  I immediately called for someone to come in so we could (a nurse) check her blood sugar levels; -- (her glucose was it was 37 mg/dL. With the nurse at my side, we got (helped) the patient back to bed and gave IV glucose. I am happy to have (quickly) recognized these symptoms and react (to have reacted) appropriately without hesitation.  Moments like this led me to see that I want to not only treat patients but learn to diagnose as well.

 

I know the path to becoming a PA will be difficult. A PA program is not only a science-intensive graduate-level platform, but it is in an accelerated format that involves a great deal of dedication and determination. (They know this.)  As someone who has (I have) held two, sometimes three, (multiple) jobs while attending university full-time, (Switch comma to period.) I am confident in my skills obtained in time- and stress-management (skills). I recall, on several occasions, getting off work, eating in the car on the way to class, coming home to study all night, (for days at a time) then doing it all again the next day. The ability to balance multiple obligations while still finding time for yourself takes practice, but is important for mental and physical health as well as success in such a rigorous program. (Talk about how you felt when you passed a quarter after this pressure, and perhaps how you rewarded yourself.  Also, new paragraph.)  

For me, the most significant tool in (I have always known that the best tool for) succeeding under such stress is a strong support network.  (This was tested) During my sophomore year in undergrad, (when) I lost my older (a close) cousin (if you are comfortable, tell the reader what happened to your cousin). Never having dealt with death before, I was unable to cope with losing my best friend; eventually, I failed two semesters. (Mention that you retook your classes and succeeded.)  Reflecting upon (how much my cousin cared for me) this irresponsibility, I was able to use the trust and (drew from the) support of my family and friends to overcome this hardship and push forward. These abilities, however, will help me succeed in this challenging new academic path.  (Talk about how you felt when you finally graduated, due to your hard work.)

 

My professional experiences in several healthcare fields (at the pharmacy, the reception desk, and in the ER) has (have) given me a unique perspective of the process involved in patient care, from the moment they come in to  after they leave. This has made me cognizant and (helped me value what people contribute to a team) appreciative of everyone’s role in said process. We come from several (Our) backgrounds and experiences that allow us to integrate together and ultimately provide better (the best) patient care. (Consider adding "I've come a long way since my early days at the public health clinic, and becoming a PA is my next step as a patient advocate.".)  I am certain in my ability to translate my skills into my studies as well as future practice and become a successful PA. I am also confident that I can relate and help close the gap in available healthcare as a primary care provider.

[ajohns734]

Thank you for your edits, they were a tremendous help! I have a new draft, but it is still about 167 characters over and I can't find anything else to cut without ruining the flow. Here it is:

 

As a teenager without health insurance, I spent many years ignoring symptoms or making do with whatever home remedies I already had. My go-to was some leftover menthol cough drops in my tea to help open my sinuses and soothe my throat. Thankfully, I was generally healthy and could manage by going to my health department once a year.

 

I can understand why someone would rather ignore their symptoms than see a doctor. I dreaded going to the health department because I never knew if I would see the same provider again; seeing a stranger made me uneasy. Many see preventative care as a luxury, and overlook how it could save their heart, foot, or even life. Some feel like they do not connect with their provider or cannot understand them. Sometimes, it comes down to what is more important right now: eating today or diabetes tomorrow.

 

These observations led me to pursue healthcare, where I hope to provide stability for the underprivileged and financially burdened. Spending ten years in healthcare has allowed me to interact with a variety of providers. With this exposure, I have realized that it is to a physician assistant (PA) that I relate. PAs help close the gap of disparities within healthcare by providing an affordable means for treatment. With the supportive nature of the physician-PA team, the skills of each provider are used in improving patient care and experiences. Additionally, the well-rounded training that PAs obtain allows them to adapt to the needs of their community and even carry their skills globally. All of these reasons are important to me, having seen many of these issues first hand.

 

After high school, I became a pharmacy technician. This position solidified my interests in medicine and helped me appreciate the impact of patient education. I remember patients requesting refills for medications they could not name, or say why they were prescribed. One elderly man came in with a baggie full of empty pill bottles; the labels were nearly completely faded. Upon further inspection, we discovered that he had redundant medications from a variety of providers. We sat down with him, consolidated his medications, and then explained to him the significance of seeing a single provider. This was a common occurrence in the pharmacy and I always made a point to educate these patients.

 

Years later, I wanted more contact with patients and began working in registration at an emergency room. I witnessed patients without insurance sit hours to be seen for fevers and headaches. It reminded me of the times I sought care as a teenager and I understood that, for many, this was their primary care experience.  One PA in the ER recognized this and provided extra attention to these patients. I watched him carefully go over each medication not only rule out drug interactions, but also to explain their purposes. When his patients returned, instead of asking for “the little blue pill,” they confidently asked for their blood pressure medication. I admired his respect for patients, and it inspired me to also advocate for them. I once saw that a patient was anxious over the cost of a medication they had just been prescribed and coordinated with his provider to supply him with samples and coupons.

 

Later, I became a patient care technician on the cardiothoracic surgery unit. This position gave me the opportunity to more closely see the connection between patients and their caregivers. One morning as I was assisting a patient to the bathroom, she began sweating and complaining of blurred vision. Alarmed, I checked her blood sugar; it was 37 mg/dL. With the nurse at my side, we helped the patient to bed and gave IV glucose. I am happy to have quickly recognized these symptoms and to have reacted. Moments like this showed me that I want to not only treat patients, but diagnose as well.

 

Becoming a PA will be difficult, but I am confident in my time- and stress-management skills. I have held multiple jobs while attending university full-time and recall getting off work, eating in the car on the way to class, and coming home to study all night. This continued throughout my college career and although it was difficult balancing several obligations simultaneously, I was always proud to have successfully completed each semester.

 

I have always known that the best tool for succeeding under stress is a strong support network. This was tested during my sophomore year when I lost my cousin due to non-Hodgkin lymphoma. Never having dealt with death before, I was unable to cope with losing my best friend; eventually, I failed two semesters. Reflecting upon this hardship, I drew from the support of my family and friends to push forward. I succeeded in retaking these semesters and continued to excel in my studies thereafter.

 

My experiences at the pharmacy, reception desk, ER and as a leader have helped me value what people contribute to a team. Our backgrounds and various skills allow us to provide better patient care through integration and empathy. Since my days at the health clinic, I have witnessed the needs of the underprivileged, and becoming a PA is my next step as a patient educator, supporter, and advocate.

[ajohns734]

Ok, I don't mean to blow up this thread, but I edited some more and am now 6 characters BELOW the limit, yay! Anyway, here it is. PLEASE let me know what you think!

 

As a teenager without health insurance, I spent many years ignoring symptoms or making do with remedies I already had at home. My go-to was some leftover menthol cough drops in my tea to help open my sinuses and soothe my throat. Thankfully, I was generally healthy and could manage by going to the health department once a year.

 

I understand why someone would rather ignore his or her symptoms than see a doctor. I dreaded going to the health department because I never knew if I would see the same provider. Many see preventative care as a luxury, and overlook how it could save their heart, foot, or even life. Some feel like they do not connect with their provider or cannot understand them. Sometimes, it comes down to what is more important right now: eating today or diabetes tomorrow.

 

These observations led me to pursue healthcare, where I hope to provide stability for the underprivileged and financially burdened. Spending ten years in healthcare has allowed me to interact with a variety of providers. With this exposure, I have realized that it is to a physician assistant (PA) that I relate. PAs help close the gap of disparities within healthcare by providing an affordable means for treatment. Also, through its supportive nature, the physician-PA team uses the skills of each provider to improve patient care and experiences. Additionally, the well-rounded training that PAs obtain allows them to adapt to the needs of their community and even carry their skills globally. All these reasons are important to me, having seen many of these issues firsthand.

 

After high school, I became a pharmacy technician. This position solidified my interests in medicine and helped me appreciate the impact of patient education. I remember patients requesting refills for medications they could neither name nor state their use. Once, an elderly man came in with a baggie full of empty pill bottles, the labels almost illegible. Upon further inspection, we noticed that he had redundant medications and a variety of providers. We sat down with him, consolidated his medications, and then explained to him the importance of seeing a single provider. This was a common occurrence in the pharmacy, and I always made a point to educate these individuals.

 

I wanted more contact with patients and later began working in registration at an emergency room. I saw those without insurance sit hours to be seen for fevers and headaches. Coming from this environment as a teenager, I understood this was the primary care experience for many. Also recognizing this, one PA in the ER paid extra attention to these patients. I watched him go over each medication not only to rule out drug interactions, but also to explain their uses. When his patients returned, instead of asking for "the little blue pill," they confidently asked for their blood pressure medication. I admire his respect for patients, and it inspired me to also advocate for them. Once, I noticed a patient was anxious over the cost of a medication they had just been prescribed and coordinated with his provider to supply him with samples and coupons.

 

Later, I became a patient care technician on the cardiothoracic surgery unit. This position gave me the chance to more closely see the connection between patients and their caregivers. One morning as I was assisting a patient to the bathroom, she began sweating and complaining of blurred vision. Alarmed, I checked her blood sugar; it was 37 mg/dL. With the nurse at my side, we helped the patient to bed and gave IV glucose. I am happy to have quickly recognized these symptoms and reacted. Moments like this showed me that I want to not only treat patients, but also diagnose.

 

Becoming a PA will be difficult, but I am confident in my time- and stress-management skills. I have held many jobs while attending university full-time. I recall getting off work, eating in the car on the way to class, and coming home to study all night. This continued throughout my college career and although it was tough balancing several obligations simultaneously, I was always proud to have successfully completed each semester.

 

I have always known that the best tool for succeeding under stress is a strong support network. This was tested during my sophomore year when I lost my cousin to non-Hodgkin lymphoma. Never dealing with death before, I was unable to cope with losing my best friend; eventually, I failed two semesters. Reflecting upon this hardship, I drew from the support of my family and friends to push forward. I succeeded in retaking these semesters and continued to excel in my studies thereafter.

 

My experiences at the pharmacy, reception desk, and on the unit have helped me value what people contribute to a team. Our backgrounds and various skills allow us to provide better care through integration and empathy. Since my days at the health clinic, I have seen the needs of the underprivileged, and becoming a PA is my next step as a patient educator, supporter, and advocate.

[jlumsden]

It's your thread.  Blow it up if you want to.  :)

 

Honestly, this has become a fantastic essay.  Nice work.  It shows who you are, and it has become relatable.