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unfinished first rough draft

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Hi guys! Looking for feedback if I should continue with this draft or start completely over. I had a close friend who I value their opinion tell me it was more of a "personal novel" than a personal statement. So give me any feedback you have!


Every day we are confronted with opportunities, a lifetime of experiences that accumulate and mold you as a person. It is unknown what experiences will shape and define the person you become.  Each moment is an opportunity to make yourself a better person than you were before. It are these seemingly meaningless steps that have showed who I am and who I want to be. After much thought and reflection I knew the only career I could spend the rest of my life doing is helping others as a Physician Assistant.

                My decision to join the field of medicine began at Oakland University as a Health Science Major.  I was elated to start this journey, but had no idea how tough it would really be. I took the maximum amount of credits, worked my first job, and joined the all-girl OU cheerleading team. After the first year I had to pause and reevaluate my decisions. I wasn’t prepared for the work load I had taken on and my grades showed for it. As my grades suffered, I became exhausted and still hadn’t fit in any experience in the medical field.

                As my first year of college didn’t go as planned I felt defeated, but I still had an incredible passion for medicine as a career. I decided to take this setback as a lesson and continue down the path I had started. I began by getting involved in the field. I found a job as a medical assistant and this was just the motivation I needed. I got to work side by side with physicians, patients, respiratory therapist, and physician assistants. This is when I realized exactly what I wanted to do with my life. Until this point I had no idea what a physician assistant was, but Chris was willing to introduce me to his role in the office.


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Start with the second paragraph. However, only explain the horrible grades later in the statement rather than sooner. Paint a picture of who you are as a person and as a professional first. Then gloss over your poor grades before quickly shifting your reader's attention to the positives.



Also, is this all you intend to submit or is there more to it?

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