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Big change in personal statement. Please critique. Will return the favor!

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Would love feed back specifically on the final paragraph:


I watched as my dad disassembled each section of the engine, slowly moving through each component to determine what was wrong. He would talk as he worked; explaining how each part of the engine functioned together to create a high performance machine. Costumers would drop off their vehicles sometimes only being able to describe the sounds they were making. Even with what seemed like very little information, he would systematically go through each probable cause for the described symptoms. Although my dad never graduated high school, they ironically used to call him ‘The Doctor.’ He had a keen ability to tackle problems with an open and critical mind, which was one of many attributes my dad instilled in me.


Along with his skills as a mechanic, my dad had a passion for helping others in need. On countless occasions I witnessed him give what money, food, or clothing he had to the homeless. I remember every Thursday he would wake up early to have cups of hot coffee waiting for the men who picked up our garbage. He donated endless hours helping strangers and neighbors alike. He set an example of the way we should live and care for each other. His devotion to serving others is what guided me to a career in health care. Although he never finished his education, he has always supported me in the pursuit of mine.


I began my studies in Biology at the University of South Florida. I knew I was fascinated with the mechanics of the human body but was unsure what field of health care I wanted to pursue. While working on a research project on Cardiovascular Angiography, the head physician recommended that I consider a career as a Physician Assistant.  I was offered an internship in USF’s highly regarded Medical Student Internship Program located at Florida Hospital North Pinellas. There I did rotations as an assistant to several doctors in a wide variety of specialties. I observed the difference in how doctors interact with their patients. This helped mold the kind of health care provider I wanted to become. The most significant experience was when I worked with Dr. Umstead, an OB/GYN, where I had the privilege of delivering five babies. One of our patients was pregnant with twins and ultimately required an emergent C-section. The doctor allowed me to step into the position of a Physician Assistant by aiding with the surgery and delivery. This became the defining moment when all of my experiences came together and I knew I wanted to pursue a career as a Physician Assistant.


Following my internship and entering into my final year of college, I felt a profound purpose in my education.  I began to take the necessary steps required to be a competitive applicant for a Physician Assistant Program. After working at a pediatrician’s office for almost a year, I made the strategic move to my current position as a medical assistant floater with Florida Medical Clinic. Being a floater requires that I know and understand numerous specialties along with their terminology, testing, and procedures specific to that office. This position allows me to work under many different health care providers including Physician Assistants. I love the challenges and experiences of this job and I look forward to expanded opportunities to build patient care relationships. My work experience as a medical assistant has only reinforced my career decision.  As a Physician Assistant, I will be able to have a more commanding role in my patient’s health care.


To gain further insight and understanding of what it is to be a Physician Assistant, I began shadowing Janelle Griffith PA-C who specializes in orthopedic surgery. The first surgery I observed involved the removal of a rod from a twenty-two year old patient’s broken leg. The patient presented with the inability to verbally communicate and walk due to his childhood diagnosis of Cerebral Palsy.  Janelle collaborated with the attending physician to develop a plan of care that involved the removal of the rod and the recovery of the patient’s leg. Since this patient was unable to communicate through conventional methods, Janelle learned the common gestures and sign language used by the patient.  She stayed by his bedside to make sure he saw a familiar face when he woke up to minimize any fear he might be experiencing. I was inspired by her work ethic as she went above and beyond to care for her patient. She demonstrated that healing is not just a physical process but requires emotional support and empathy.


A long time has passed since I sat in my father’s garage listening to those wrenches turning. Throughout the years, it has been his voice that pushed me to think beyond the obvious and work hard to accomplish my goals. I hope to emulate my father’s compassion to those in need by working as a Physician Assistant in underserved communities. Since my career in health care has been focused to being a Physician Assistant I have accrued over 3,000 hours of patient care experience, increased my GRE score, acquired PA shadowing hours, and by the time of matriculation, I will have acquired a second bachelor’s degree in Biomedical Sciences to strengthen my science foundation. I am both equally excited and prepared to face the demands that a Physician Assistant program entails.



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Costumers Customers would drop off their vehicles sometimes only being able to describe the sounds they were making.


I think this is a great statement! I think if you really feel a need to add something in the last paragraph, you could add a summary about how important your clinical experience has been. But I don't feel like there is anything missing. 

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