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2nd Draft. Need help cutting down and with flow


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I had already seen over 20 patients that day and it was only 11 o’clock in the morning. I was working with a physician in Internal Medicine.  I called back my next patient and worked them up like usual. When I asked her the reason for her visit, she broke down into tears as she explained that she just found out she has breast cancer and had been battling severe depression. This hit close to home as my family has been personally affected with the devastating news of breast cancer on multiple occasions. My Aunt found out she had breast cancer in her late thirties.  After a double mastectomy and treatment, she has remained in remission to this day.  I shared my story of how our family moved to the Tampa area to help her during her treatment and recovery and managed to calm her down.  After a big hug, she left the room. With a heavy heart, I continued my day thinking I may never know what her outcome would be. Working as a medical assistant with Florida Medical Clinic, requires me to know and understand numerous specialties along with their office routines, terminology, and the many different tests and procedures specific to that particular office. I love the challenge and patient care experience my job awards me everyday. About 5 months later, I was assigned to the surgery center, when this same patient greeted me with a huge smile. She was there for a post-op visit from her double mastectomy and explained what a big impact I had on her. We learned her cancer was in remission. That day, I learned firsthand the importance of incorporating medicine with emotional compassion. 

My aunt fueled my desire to be in the medical field long before her bout with cancer and she inspired in me a desire to heal at a very young age. Growing up with her as a nurse, I was constantly surrounded by her kindness and compassion for others. I knew one day I would mimic her amazing ability to invoke a feeling of peace in her patients. This desire to heal was molded into a longing to be a Physician Assistant during my summer internship. During the USF/Florida Hospital North Pinellas Medical Student Internship, I worked as an assistant to several doctors in a wide variety of specialties. This allowed me to observe how different doctors interact with their patients and further guided me to the kind of health care provider I want to be. During my second week, I worked with Dr. Umstead, an OB/GYN and had the privilege of delivering several babies. One of our patients was pregnant with twins and ended up requiring an emergent C-section. After assisting with the surgery, the doctor explained to me that I had played the role of Physician Assistant. This unforgettable moment is what lead me to the realization that I wanted to pursue a career as a PA.

Following my internship, I looked up everything that was required to become a PA, After three years of drifting through school, I now felt a profound purpose in my education. Every decision I made both academically and professionally has been centered on what I needed to do to be the best candidate for this prestigious program. I have worked steadily to increase my GPA by retaking classes and broadening my academic background by taking additional upper level science courses as I pursue a second bachelor’s degree in Biomedical Sciences. 

To gain insight and understanding of what it is to be a Physician Assistant, I began shadowing Janelle, a PA that specializes in orthopedic surgery. The first surgery I observed with her and the attending physician was the removal of a rod from a 22 year old’s broken leg. The patient had been diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy after a drowning accident when he was younger. I am familiar with this disorder because my niece suffers from it since being born prematurely in 2006. Depending on the severity of the congenital disorder, CP can leave the individual without the ability to walk or talk, like in the case of my niece and this young boy. The rod was surgically placed in the patient days earlier to help set his broken leg. Although he would not need the leg to walk, they wanted to help him have an enhanced and more comfortable quality of life. Unfortunately, his body rejected the rod and it needed to be removed.

I watched as they worked together as a team to remove the rod and then devised a plan to encourage the healing of his leg without it. It was uplifting to see the amount of mutual respect the two of them held for each other as they worked as a team to complete this task. What really stood out was what happened after the surgery was over. Since this patient was unable to communicate through conventional methods, Janelle had learned from his mother the signals and signs he gives to indicate yes or no. She stayed by his bedside to make sure he saw a familiar face when he woke up to minimize any fear he might be feeling following surgery. It was inspirational to say the least watching her spend extra time with her patient to ensure he felt safe. She demonstrated that healing is not just a physical process but requires emotion and compassion.

After seeing the profound effect of coupling medicine with compassion, I hope to continue my education with a Master’s in Physician Assistance so that I can incorporate what I have learned into the way I care for future patients. I have never been more motivated to work in this field and that dedication grows stronger every day. These and many other experiences have strengthened the values I hold for patient care. I have learned that as a Physician Assistant, we are responsible for providing not only the absolute best medical care, be the patient’s support system as well as a place of safety and respect.   

 

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I had already seen over 20 patients that day and it was only 11 o’clock in the morning. I was working with a physician in Internal Medicine.  I called back my next patient and worked them up like usual. Why are you opening your essay with a complaint? You're applying to become a PA, it's stressful and seeing a lot of patients is going to happen. Adcoms don't want to hear applicants complaining. Just cut this all out and get straight into the story about the patient with breast cancer. When I asked her the reason for her visit, she broke down into tears as she explained that she just found out she has breast cancer and had been battling severe depression wordy. This hit close to home as my family has been personally affected with the devastating news of breast cancer on multiple occasions. My Aunt why is aunt capitalized found out she had breast cancer in her late thirties.  After a double mastectomy and treatment, she has remained in remission to this day.  I shared my story of how our family moved to the Tampa area to help her during her treatment and recovery and managed to calm her down. You "managed to calm her down" with a story about your aunt? Or did you calm her because you were compassionate and willing to talk? Be very careful with your words. After a big hug, she left the room. With a heavy heart, I continued my day thinking I may never know what her outcome would be.


 


 Working as a medical assistant with Florida Medical Clinic, no comma required requires me to know and understand numerous specialties along with their office routines, terminology, and the many different tests and procedures specific to that particular office. Abrupt transition. I love the challenge and patient care experience my job awards me everyday. About 5 months later, I was assigned to the surgery center, when this the same patient greeted me with a huge smile. She was there for a post-op visit from her double mastectomy and explained what a big impact I had on her. And how did this make you feel? Why haven't you mentioned PA yet? Or about how you want to do more than just medical assistant? We learned her cancer was in remission. That day, I learned firsthand the importance of incorporating medicine with emotional compassion. 


My aunt fueled my desire to be in the medical field long before her bout with cancer and she inspired in me a desire to heal at a very young age wordy. Growing up with her as a nurse were you really a RN or just a caretaker?, I was constantly surrounded by her kindness and compassion for others. I knew one day I would mimic her amazing ability to invoke a feeling of peace in her patients. This desire to heal was molded into a longing to be a Physician Assistant during my summer internship. You keep jumping back and forth between the breast CA patient and your aunt. The structure is off.During the USF/Florida Hospital North Pinellas Medical Student Internship, I worked as an assistant to several doctors in a wide variety of specialties. There is no clear timeline of your HCE. First you randomly insert your duties as a MA and then jump to this internship. The flow of your essay is very poor. This allowed me to observe how different doctors interact with their patients and further guided me to the kind of health care provider I want to be. During my second week, I worked with Dr. Umstead, an OB/GYN and had the privilege of delivering several babies. One of our patients was pregnant with twins and ended up requiring an emergent C-section. After assisting with the surgery, the doctor explained to me that I had played the role of Physician Assistant. This unforgettable moment is what lead me to the realization that I wanted to pursue a career as a PA. OK, so you finally mention PA, halfway through your essay (not a good thing) 


Following my internship, I looked up everything that was required to become a PA, After random capitalization? three years of drifting through school, This is not a great reason for having subpar grades. I now felt a profound purpose in my education. Every decision I made both academically and professionally has been centered on what I needed to do to be the best candidate for this prestigious program. I have worked steadily to increase my GPA by retaking classes and broadening my academic background by taking additional upper level science courses as I pursue a second bachelor’s degree in Biomedical Sciences. 


To gain insight and understanding of what it is to be a Physician Assistant, I began shadowing Janelle, a PA that specializes in orthopedic surgery. The first surgery I observed with her and the attending physician was the removal of a rod from a 22 year old’s broken leg. The patient had been diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy after a drowning accident when he was younger. I am familiar with this disorder because my niece suffers from it since being born prematurely in 2006. Depending on the severity of the congenital disorder, CP can leave the individual without the ability to walk or talk, like in the case of my niece and this young boy. you're not here to teach adcoms about diseases, just say your niece and the pt couldn't walk or talk due to CP The rod was surgically placed in the patient days earlier to help set his broken leg. Although he would not need the leg to walk, they wanted to help him have an enhanced and more comfortable quality of life. Unfortunately, his body rejected the rod and it needed to be removed.  You just spent a paragraph describing a patient case instead of focusing on what you gained from shadowing a PA


I watched as they worked together as a team to remove the rod and then devised a plan to encourage the healing of his leg without it. It was uplifting to see the amount of mutual respect the two of them held for each other as they worked as a team to complete this task. What really stood out was what happened after the surgery was over. Since this patient was unable to communicate through conventional methods, Janelle had learned from his mother the signals and signs he gives to indicate yes or no. She stayed by his bedside to make sure he saw a familiar face when he woke up to minimize any fear he might be feeling following surgery. It was inspirational to say the least watching her spend extra time with her patient to ensure he felt safe. She demonstrated that healing is not just a physical process but requires emotion and compassion.


After seeing the profound effect of coupling medicine with compassion, I hope to continue my education with a Master’s in Physician Assistance so that I can incorporate what I have learned into the way I care for future patients. I have never been more motivated to work in this field and that dedication grows stronger every day. These and many other experiences have strengthened the values I hold for patient care. I have learned that as a Physician Assistant, we are responsible for providing not only the absolute best medical care, be the patient’s support system as well as a place of safety and respect.   


 


Essay needs a lot of work. You are very wordy sometimes and it takes up a lot of unnecessary space. The essay is pretty boring, other than the story about the PA who learned how to communicate with the CP pt. Both of your "schticks" was knowing a family member who suffered the same disease as a patient. You should only really use that once. 


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It was a normal, hot summer day when the phone rang.  My mom anxiously grabbed up the receiver, listened, and began to quietly cry.  My aunt, her sister, was calling with her biopsy results, positive for breast cancer.  I was 12 years old.

 

OR

 

To claim that there was one defining moment that led to my decision to become a Physician Assistant would be disingenuous. Rather there were several life events that brought the idea of working in the medical field and more specifically, becoming a Physician Assistant, to the forefront.

My journey (story) began growing up with a nurse in the family who instilled a desire to focus my studies in health care. Observing my aunt’s role as a nurse demonstrated her deep commitment to excellent patient care and treatment. Her role dramatically changed when she received the devastating news that she had breast cancer.  In just a few words, she went from being the caregiver to being the patient.  During this difficult time, our family decided to move to the Tampa area to help with her care, treatment, and eventual full recovery over the next several years. I saw firsthand the important balance of medical treatment, patient care, and compassion shown by her medical team. 

 

At that time, I had already begun my studies in biology at the University of South Florida and was still undecided about which field of health care I wanted to pursue.  I was working with Dr. Matar doing research in Cardiovascular Angiography when he recommended that I consider a career as a Physician Assistant.  I was offered an internship in USF’s highly regarded Medical Student Internship Program located at Florida Hospital North Pinellas. There I did rotations as an assistant to several doctors in a wide variety of specialties. I observed the difference in how doctors interact with their patients. This helped mold the kind of health care provider I wanted to become. The most significant experience was when I worked with Dr. Umstead, an OB/GYN, where I had the privilege of delivering five babies. One of our patients was pregnant with twins and ultimately required an emergent C-section. The doctor allowed me to step into the position of a Physician Assistant by assisting (aiding) with the surgery and delivery. This became the defining moment when all of my experiences came together and I knew I wanted to pursue a career as a Physician Assistant.

 

Following my internship and entering into my final year of college, I felt a profound purpose in my education.  I began to take the necessary steps required to be a competitive applicant for a Physician Assistant Program. Prior to graduation, I began building my patient care experience working in a pediatric office.  After being there for almost a year, I made the strategic move to my current position as a medical assistant floater with Florida Medical Clinic. Being a floater requires that I know and understand numerous specialties along with their terminology, testing, and procedures specific to that office. This position allows me to work under many different health care providers including Physician Assistants. I love the challenges and experiences of this job and I look forward to expanded opportunities to build patient care relationships. My work experience as a medical assistant has only reinforced my career decision.  As a Physician Assistant, I will be able to have a more commanding role in my patient’s health and be able develop a rapport with my patients.

 

To gain further insight and understanding of what it is to be a Physician Assistant, I began shadowing Janelle Griffith PA-C who specializes in orthopedic surgery. The first surgery I observed involved the removal of a rod from a twenty-two year old patient’s broken leg. The patient presented with the inability to verbally communicate and walk due to his childhood diagnosis of Cerebral Palsy.  Janelle collaborated with the attending physician to develop a plan of care that involved the removal of the rod and the recovery of the patient’s leg. Since this patient was unable to communicate through conventional methods, Janelle learned the common gestures and American sign language used by the patient.  She stayed by his bedside to make sure he saw a familiar face when he woke up to minimize any fear he might be experiencing. I was inspired by her work ethic as she went above and beyond to care for her patient. She demonstrated that healing is not just a physical process but requires emotional support and empathy.

 

After seeing the profound effect of coupling medicine with compassion, I plan to continue my education with a Master’s in Physician Assistance so that I can incorporate what I have learned into the way I care for future patients. I have never been more motivated to work in this field and that dedication grows stronger every day. These and many other experiences have strengthened the values I hold for patient care. Since my career in health care has been focused to being a Physician Assistant I have accrued over 3,000 hours of patient care experience, increased my GRE score, acquired PA shadowing hours, and by the time of matriculation, I will have acquired a second bachelor’s degree in Biomedical Sciences to strengthen my science foundation. I am both equally excited and prepared to face the demands that a Physician Assistant program entails.

 

 

Any advice on whether I should change the opener from what is written and specifically a stronger way to end it? I know my ending is weak. This is the update I’ve worked on though. I really appreciated you giving me all the criticism you did. That draft was a cluster of information and I needed to refine it more. Please let me know what you think now!

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Hey, I tried to help you with cutting down wordiness. Here are my other thoughts while reading:

·         Your opener is pretty weak – a general statement that I’ve read in many essays on this forum. Though I do like it better than the other opener, which is overdramatic.

·         Is there a reason why you’re always typing out Physician Assistant and Medical Assistant instead of PA/MA? It’s completely normal to do that, and saves character space.

·         The very last sentence is weak. You’re ending on a sentence that talks about your preparation for the demands of a PA program, but that’s not what your entire essay is about.. so try to end on a sentence about your preparedness for the PA profession, not the PA schooling.

·         Overall, I think you have a good essay to work with. Good luck!

 

To claim that there was one defining moment that led to my decision to become a Physician Assistant (PA) would be disingenuous. Rather, (comma inserted) there were several life events that brought the idea of working in the medical field and more specifically, becoming as PA (save characters!) Physician Assistant to the forefront.

 

My journey (story) began growing up with (after reading a couple of statements I’ve gotten tired of any sort of phrasing relating to “My journey to become a PA…”) I grew up with a nurse in the my family who instilled in me a desire to focus my studies in health care. I observed my aunt’s deep commitment to providing excellent patient care in her role as a nurse. Observing my aunt’s role as a nurse demonstrated her deep commitment to excellent patient care and treatment.(this sentence is grammatically incorrect so I reworded it. Also, I think “patient treatment” is in involved in “patient care”, so saying them both is being repetitive.) Her role dramatically changed drastically changed (I think drastically is a more appropriate word in place of dramatically) when she received the devastating news that she had breast cancer.  In just a few words, she went from being the caregiver to being the patient.  During this difficult time, our family decided to move to the Tampa area to help with her care, treatment, and eventual full recovery over the next several years. I saw firsthand the important balance of medical treatment, patient care (again, I think patient care encompasses both medical treatment and compassion.. what specifically are you referring to when you say “patient care”?), and compassion shown by her medical team. 

 

At that time, I had already begun my studies in studying biology at the University of South Florida and was still undecided about which field of health care I wanted to pursue.  I was working researching Cardiovascular Angiography with Dr. Matar doing research in Cardiovascular Angiography when he recommended that I consider a career as a PA Physician Assistant.  I was offered an internship in USF’s highly regarded Medical Student Internship Program offered me an internship located at Florida Hospital North Pinellas. There At the hospital, I did rotations as an assistant to several doctors in a wide variety of specialties. I observed the differences in how doctors interact with their patients. This helped mold my idea of the kind of health care provider I wanted to become. The My most significant experience was when occurred when I worked with Dr. Umstead, an OB/GYN; (semicolon inserted in place of comma) where I had the privilege of delivering five babies. One of our patients was pregnant with twins and ultimately required an emergent C-section. The doctor allowed me to step into the position of a PA Physician Assistant by aiding with the surgery and delivery. This became the defining moment when (in your intro you literally said there was no defining moment that made you decide to become a PA) In this moment, all of my experiences came together and I knew I wanted to to solidify my desire to pursue a career as bePA Physician Assistant.

 

Following my internship and entering into my final year of college, I felt a profound purpose in my education.  I began to take the necessary steps required to be a competitive applicant for a Physician Assistant PA Program. Prior to graduation, (you already suggested it was prior to graduation in your topic sentence) I began building my patient care experience by working in a pediatric office.  After being working there for almost a year, I made the strategic move to my current position as a medical assistant (MA) floater with Florida Medical Clinic. Being As a floater, I am required to requires that I know and understand numerous specialties along with their the terminology, testing, and procedures specific to that office. This position allows me to work under many different health care providers including PAs. Physician Assistants. I love the challenges and experiences of that come with this job and I look forward to expanded opportunities to build patient care relationships. My work experience as an MA medical assistant has only reinforced my career decision.  As a PA Physician Assistant, I will be able to have a more commanding (“commanding” is a weird word to use… can you be more specific about what you mean by this?) role in my patient’s health and be able to develop a rapport with my patients (why can’t you develop a rapport with your patients as an MA?).

 

To gain further insight and understanding of what it is to be a PA, Physician Assistant, I began shadowing Janelle Griffith PA-C who specializes in orthopedic surgery. The first surgery I observed involved the removal of a rod from a twenty-two year old patient’s broken leg. (wow what an intense first shadowing experience) The patient presented with the inability was unable to verbally communicate and walk due to his childhood diagnosis of Cerebral Palsy.  Janelle collaborated with the attending physician to develop a plan of care that involved the removal of the rod and the recovery of the patient’s leg. Since this patient was unable to communicate through conventional methods, Janelle learned the common gestures and American sign language used by the patient.  She stayed by his bedside to make sure he saw a familiar face when he woke up to minimize any fear he might be experiencing. I was inspired by her work ethic; (semicolon inserted) as she went above and beyond to care for her patient. She Janelle demonstrated that healing is not just a physical process but requires emotional support and empathy.

 

After seeing the profound effect of coupling medicine with compassion, I plan to continue my education with a Master’s in Physician Assistance (I’m not sure if this is correct grammar? I know some schools call it “master’s degree in Physician Assistant Studies (MPAS)“) so that I can incorporate what I have learned into the way I care for future patients. I have never been more motivated to work in this field and that dedication grows stronger every day. These and many other My experiences have strengthened the values I hold for patient care. Since my career in health care has been focused to being a Ever since I have driven my health care career towards the PA profession, Physician Assistant I have accrued over 3,000 hours of patient care experience, increased my GRE score, and acquired PA shadowing hours (period inserted), and By the time of my matriculation, I will have acquired a second bachelor’s degree in Biomedical Sciences to strengthen my science foundation (wow, second? impressive!!). I am both equally excited and prepared to face the demands that a Physician Assistant program entails.

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