Statement feedback would be greatly appreciated!

[em2513]

I would be very thankful for any feedback- I am a concise, technical writer and I can't see to get this to flow like I want. Thanks in advance!

 

My journey to the physician assistant profession was unconventional. Although I completed all but the internship for a medical assistant program, my medical training is primarily in veterinary medicine. As a veterinary technician, I learned about venipuncture, anesthesia, emergency surgery, preventive care, pharmacology, and more. Currently, I am a medical oncology technician at a veterinary specialty practice, where I administer chemotherapy, provide supportive care, and educate clients, in addition to assisting with radiation oncology.

 

 

Veterinary medicine, like human medicine, is not perfect, but working in this profession has given me a glimpse of how I believe health care should be delivered. Communication and a team-based approach are vital when working with animals and their owners. Veterinarians, staff, patients, and clients are all equal contributors to the diagnosis and treatment plans. Every step of the way, information is communicated, negotiated, and agreed upon.  No subject is off-limits, and the bond between a veterinarian and their clients is very strong.

 

 

After years in the veterinary profession, I moved to a small city in northern Arizona to continue my education.  I had the opportunity to work as a medical assistant in a human surgical practice, where my primary responsibility was assisting the PAs with their patients. Both skillful and empathetic, the PAs provided integral support to the doctors and patients alike. Working with the PAs was always a learning opportunity, not only because of their knowledge of medicine, but their relationship with patients.  Each patient was treated as an individual, and the PAs created a bond built on trust and respect. I appreciated the PAs commitment to working as a team, and their ability to use their knowledge and skills to provide compassionate care.

 

 

The PAs I assisted had excellent rapport with their patients, demonstrated on a daily basis. However, one particular example stands out in my mind. An elderly woman was being treated for frostbite on her feet and was frustrated with her wheelchair. Her first language was Navajo, so understanding her complaints was difficult. The PA I worked with was so calm and considerate, asking questions and trying to look up Navajo words when possible to help translate her grievance. After some confusion, we were able to understand her issue and offer her a walker to allow more mobility at home. She proudly shuffled out of the office with her walker, smiling broadly and softly thanking everyone she passed.

 

 

Working with a language barrier or cultural barrier is always challenging, and I was so impressed by the PA’s ability to take the time and effort to make sure this woman was understood. I became fascinated by the effect culture, language, and community affected health. I completed a bachelor’s degree in Global Health, studying topics ranging from community health, to sociocultural health norms, to the effects of poverty on health care behavior. My experiences at the surgical practice combined with my undergraduate studies inspired me to work clinically to improve patient understanding and cultural communication in health care.

 

 

Although my journey was not direct, I am confident in my path. As a young adult, I started down many different roads and never found the right one. Now, for the first time, I am able to say I have found my calling. I have a passion for knowledge and a commitment to improving standards of clinical care. As a physician assistant, I will work with underserved communities, using my knowledge and skills to improve their health and well-being. I will use my education and experience to advocate for my patients, enhancing the health care experience and developing the patient-provider bond. Despite my non-traditional start, I am confident that my unique education and skills has prepared me to become a strong, compassionate health care provider. Although I never knew the PA profession was where I was headed, I now know it is where I am supposed to be.

[xomelanie]

My journey to the physician assistant profession was unconventional. Although I completed all but the internship(huh? why would you say that you didn't complete something in your first sentence, i don't think that is necessary?I like your first sentence then say, "My medical training was primarily in veterinary medicine, then I see how it was unconventiional and then i look to where you will find similarities.) for a medical assistant program, my medical training is primarily in veterinary medicine. As a veterinary technician, I learned about venipuncture, anesthesia, emergency surgery, preventive care, pharmacology, and more. Currently, I am a medical oncology technician at a veterinary specialty practice, where I administer chemotherapy, provide supportive care, and educate clients, in addition to assisting with radiation oncology. (to what animals?)

 

 

Veterinary medicine, like human medicine, is not perfect,​(i wouldn't start a sentence with bashing medicine, instead say veterinary in some ways is like human medicine, or can be compared to, and the next one you can talk about how what you learned as a vet is similar and can be applied to humans, or just healthcare overall like i see that you write about) but working in this profession has given me a glimpse of how I believe health care should be delivered. Communication and a team-based approach are vital when working with animals and their owners. Veterinarians, staff, patients, and clients are all equal contributors to the diagnosis and treatment plans. Every step of the way, information is communicated, negotiated, and agreed upon.  No subject is off-limits, and the bond between a veterinarian and their clients(animals as clients sounds weird, maybe say veterinarians and their animals??? just like healthcare professionals and their patients) is very strong.

 

 

After years in the veterinary profession, I moved to a small city in northern Arizona to continue my education.  I had the opportunity to work as a medical assistant in a human surgical practice, where my primary responsibility was assisting the PAs( i don't think you ever spell out physician assistants so spell it out here) with their patients. Both skillful and empathetic, the PAs provided integral support to the doctors and patients alike. Working with the PAs was always a learning opportunity, not only because of their knowledge of medicine, but their relationship with patients.  Each patient was treated as an individual, and the PAs created a bond built on trust and respect. I appreciated the PAs commitment to working as a team, and their ability to use their knowledge and skills to provide compassionate care.

 

 

The PAs I assisted had excellent rapport with their patients, demonstrated on a daily basis. However, one particular example stands out in my mind. An elderly woman was being treated for frostbite on her feet and was frustrated with her wheelchair. Her first language was Navajo, so understanding her complaints was difficult. The PA I worked with was so calm and considerate, asking questions and trying to look up Navajo words when possible to help translate her grievance. After some confusion, we were able to understand her issue and offer her a walker to allow more mobility at home. She proudly shuffled out of the office with her walker, smiling broadly and softly thanking everyone she passed. (good story)

 

 

Working with a language barrier or cultural barrier is always challenging, and I was so impressed by the PA’s ability to take the time and effort to make sure this woman was understood. I became fascinated by the effect at the way culture, language, and community affected health. This led me to/this motivated me to I completed a bachelor’s degree in Global Health, studying topics ranging from community health, to sociocultural health norms, to the effects of poverty on health care behavior. My experiences at the surgical practice combined with my undergraduate studies inspired me to work clinically to improve patient understanding and cultural communication in health care.

 

 

Although my journey was not direct, I am confident(add more here like I am highly confident and ecstatic  in my path to becoming a physician assistant. As a young adult, I started down many different roads and never found the right one(but you do find it so change it to but never being truly happy or never being fully satisfied) Now, for the first time, I am able to say I have found my calling. I have a passion for knowledge and a commitment to improving standards of clinical care. As a physician assistant, I will work with underserved communities, using my knowledge and skills to improve their health and well-being. I will use my education and experience to advocate for my patients, enhancing the health care experience and developing the patient-provider bond. Despite my non-traditional start, I am confident that my unique education and skills has prepared me to become a strong, compassionate health care provider. Although I never knew the PA profession was where I was headed, I now know it is where I am supposed to be.

 

 

Very good I like it a lot, I like the change in career however you don't answer why you want to be a PA over a vet? tell me more the difference between animals and humans, say you learned a lot about vet medicine But, the ability to communicate is important to you? and attach it toe h communication story? or it would be a good thing to say how the language barrier was the same as the communication barrier between animals, but you are able to read body language and use your senses to communicate and you learned that from aniamsl) I guess what I am also trying to say is that I learned a lot about what you did, and what you saw others did but not much of what you can do, show me more of YOU. Show me your compassion with the animals, show me how you treated the patient so I can see what you would be like as a practitioner. But overall I really like how you blended your stories an told about your previous life. Why MA over vet tech, just describe to me what is better about humans vs animals. I really like your personal statement you have got great structure, great flow, and I can tell why you want to be a PA and how you would be a good one( nice conclusion). I can read more edits if you want.  Would you mind reading mine I just posted??

[Disciple3]

I don't care much for the introduction.  It did not grab my attention or make me interested.  You start off talking about veterinary things which IMO is not relevant to "Why PA".  Action openings are generally the best, but if you have to sink to a quote or something it still works.  The remainder of the essay seems to flow well and I echo the sentiments posted above.  What would make you in particular a great PA?  You include a patient experience but it was just an observation, using one from your own patient can work to strengthen this more.

[PS_editor]

My journey to the physician assistant profession was unconventional. Although I completed all but the internship for a medical assistant program, my medical training is primarily in veterinary medicine. basically the entire second sentence is just fluff. get into the "unconventional" aspect of you being a vet tech As a veterinary technician, I learned about venipuncture, anesthesia, emergency surgery, preventive care, pharmacology, and more. Currently, I am a medical oncology technician at a veterinary specialty practice, where I administer chemotherapy, provide supportive care, and educate clients, in addition to assisting with radiation oncology. It's interesting that you were a vet tech but it's not particularly compelling as a PA personal statement. PA schools want to know that you have had exposure with patient (human) care. I would consider re-writing this intro so that you make clear that you have experience working with people. 

 

Veterinary medicine, like human medicine, is not perfect, but working in this profession has given me a glimpse of how I believe health care should be delivered. Communication and a team-based approach are vital when working with animals and their owners. Veterinarians, staff, patients, and clients are all equal contributors to the diagnosis and treatment plans. Every step of the way, information is communicated, negotiated, and agreed upon.  No subject is off-limits, and the bond between a veterinarian and their clients is very strong. Again. Being from a vet background is interesting, but it is still not human patient care experience. I'd bring up early on that you have experience with providing people medical care. 

 

After years in the veterinary profession, I moved to a small city in northern Arizona to continue my education.  I had the opportunity to work as a medical assistant in a human surgical practice, where my primary responsibility was assisting the PAs with their patients. Both skillful and empathetic, the PAs provided integral support to the doctors and patients alike. Working with the PAs was always a learning opportunity, not only because of their knowledge of medicine, but their relationship with patients.  Each patient was treated as an individual, and the PAs created a bond built on trust and respect. I appreciated the PAs commitment to working as a team, and their ability to use their knowledge and skills to provide compassionate care. This is what adcoms are interested in. I would find a new approach to this essay that finds a way to combine your vet tech and MA experience.

 

 

The PAs I assisted had excellent rapport with their patients, demonstrated on a daily basis. However, one particular example stands out in my mind. An elderly woman was being treated for frostbite on her feet and was frustrated with her wheelchair. Her first language was Navajo, so understanding her complaints was difficult. The PA I worked with was so calm and considerate, asking questions and trying to look up Navajo words when possible to help translate her grievance. After some confusion, we were able to understand her issue and offer her a walker to allow more mobility at home. She proudly shuffled out of the office with her walker, smiling broadly and softly thanking everyone she passed. This paragraph is fine, but I wanted to take a second to give another reason why your vet tech intro doesn't "work." Intros are supposed to set the theme of an essay, and your intro was about being a vet tech. Yet it never comes up again. The meat of your essay is about PAs 

 

 

Working with a language barrier or cultural barrier is always challenging, and I was so impressed by the PA’s ability to take the time and effort to make sure this woman was understood. I became fascinated by the effect culture, language, and community affected health. I completed a bachelor’s degree in Global Health, studying topics ranging from community health, to sociocultural health norms, to the effects of poverty on health care behavior. My experiences at the surgical practice combined with my undergraduate studies inspired me to work clinically to improve patient understanding and cultural communication in health care. Your degree in global health and interest in language/culture and healthcare is more appropriate and interesting to me than your background in vet medicine. Honestly I would nix the vet tech thing. You can bring it up but don't make it a central idea in your essay. That story about the PA and the navajo women, plus your global health background, would make a MUCH more compelling introduction and theme. Delve more into experiences you've had as a MA that dealt with this topic. I guarantee you it will make a more powerful essay.

 

 

Although my journey was not direct, I am confident in my path. As a young adult, I started down many different roads and never found the right one. Now, for the first time, I am able to say I have found my calling. I have a passion for knowledge and a commitment to improving standards of clinical care. As a physician assistant, I will work with underserved communities, using my knowledge and skills to improve their health and well-being. I will use my education and experience to advocate for my patients, enhancing the health care experience and developing the patient-provider bond. Despite my non-traditional start, I am confident that my unique education and skills has prepared me to become a strong, compassionate health care provider. Although I never knew the PA profession was where I was headed, I now know it is where I am supposed to be.

 

 

Needs some work with the direction and central theme, but I think if you pick a better approach, you have what you need to write a good personal statement.