Personal Statement - Please Critique! all input welcomed :)

[afloo]

I am ready for all criticism ! Thank you for taking the time out to read this...

 

As I walked anxiously down the hall next to the Physician Assistant and fellow members of her critical care team, I anticipated the conversation I knew I was about to endure. Similar to many patients in an Intensive Care Unit, the patient under their care was unresponsive with no brain activity. Listening to the physician discuss the next plan of action, and hearing the conversation of organ donation, brought back an endless amount of devastating memories. I too, was once on the other side, sitting in that same ICU waiting room with my family praying for a miracle.

To me, the month of November means spending time with loved ones and being thankful for all the good in life. However, November of my senior year, my older brother was involved in a severe automobile accident that left him unresponsive in a coma. Everyday for weeks, we would go to the hospital hoping to hear any bit of positive news that would indicate he would soon wake up. I sat next to him for hours, days on end; listening to the variety of sounds the different machines made. Specifically, the wheezing sound of air from the respiratory machine and the beeps of the EEG machine. While he laid there lifeless in a coma with an octopus of tubes circulating his head and wires from his chest, speaking to him was the only thing that put me at ease. During my time spent with him, all I could wonder was, “Is he in pain? Can he hear me? Why did this happen to you?” Even though I knew he was in a coma, little gestures such as his eyelashes moving or fingers twitching gave me hope that he would soon wake up and I would finally have my brother back.

In those days spent in the ICU, numerous questions came to my mind. Various members of the critical care team never hesitated to answer me in a way that I could understand, which was comforting to my family and I. Although I was surrounded by an immense support system during this time, interactions with these medical professionals left an imprint on my life. Time passed and sadly my brother had made no significant improvement. Eventually, the time came when the critical care team spoke to my family about his options. Hearing the reality of my brother’s condition, left my parents to make a decision that is every parent’s greatest fear. My brother was taken off of life support, we said our goodbyes and he finally looked at peace.

In high school, most teenagers go about their everyday lives wrapped up in their own world, clueless, vulnerable, and having so much more to learn in life. Each time a family member, friend, classmate, or anyone would ask me, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” I stood there scratching my head with uncertainty, although I was leaning towards the medical field. This question crossed my mind countless times as the years in high school flew by, but not once did I ever think I would have to ask myself “What would you do if you were never able to see your brother again?” The sudden passing of my brother left me devastated, distraught, and impacted every aspect of life .

My desire to pursue a career in the medical field quickly changed after his tragic death, causing me to lose interest in studying medicine in college. Although my life has never been the same, there was at least one positive outcome from this traumatic event. My brother had made the choice long before the accident to be an organ donor. Through him, my family and I became involved with The Gift of Life Donor Program. By meeting transplant recipients and seeing how grateful they were, helped rekindle my passion for medicine and desire to help others. One man received my brother’s eyes, and having gone from years of blindness to finally experiencing vision was enough to make me believe in the gift of life and regain faith in medicine.

Shadowing a trauma/critical care PA at St. Luke’s Hospital has also revitalized this passion. Witnessing her role as a PA, as well as a consoler, providing essential patient care and empathy towards families made me realize that being a PA is my true calling and passion. Having experienced what it is like to be the family on the other side, I know I possess the compassion and dedication to be in such a position to intensively care for patients. It would give me great satisfaction to know I have the power to make such an impact on patients’ lives and comfort families, the same way that I was once comforted. Additionally, the versatility available within this career is appealing to me, because it will allow me to continuously further my education. Knowing I can switch specialities and work in various disciplines of medicine throughout any moment in my career is enticing. From prior experiences, I know clinical research and critical care greatly interest me. As my perception on life has altered over the years, I found tragedy became my new motivation but with my perseverance and determination, I am certain no matter how challenging it may be, becoming a physician assistant is the rewarding career I am meant to pursue.  

 

 

- at a lost for words on how to end this .. don't really like my ending sentence

- Does Physician Assistant need to be capitalized throughout ? or lower case

- do I answer the question / get my point across

- any gramatically issues seen?

[xomelanie]

As I walked anxiously down the hall next to the Physician Assistantphysician assistant and fellow members of her critical care team, I anticipated the conversation I knew I was about to endure. Similar to many patients in an Intensive Care Unit, the patient under their care was unresponsive with no brain activity. Listening to the physician discuss the next plan of action, and hearing the conversation of organ donation, brought back an endless amount of devastating memories. I too, was once on the other side, sitting in that same ICU waiting room with my family praying for a miracle. ( wow good, adds suspense, keeps me interested)

To me, the month of November means spending time with loved ones and being thankful for all the good in life. However, November of my senior year, my older brother was involved in a severe automobile accident that left him unresponsive in a coma. Every(space)day for weeks, we would go to the hospital hoping to hear any bit of (sounds weird? erase bc characters?) positive news that would indicate he would soon wake up. I sat next to him for hours, days on end; listening to the variety of sounds the different machines made. Specifically, the wheezing sound of air from the respiratory machine and the beeps of the EEG machine. While he laid there lifeless in a coma with an octopus of tubes circulating his head and wires from his chest, speaking to him was the only thing that put me at ease. During my time spent with him, all I could wonder was, “Is he in pain? Can he hear me? Why did this happen to you?” Even though I knew he was in a coma, little gestures such as his eyelashes moving or fingers twitching gave me hope that he would soon wake up and I would finally have my brother back.

In those days spent in the ICU, numerous questions came to my mind. Various members of the critical care team never hesitated to answer me in a way that I could understand, which was comforting to my family and I. Although I was surrounded by an immense support system during this time, interactions with these medical professionals left an imprint on my life.(why? elaborate more) Time passed and sadly my brother had made no significant improvement. Eventually, the time came when the critical care team spoke to my family about his options. Hearing the reality of my brother’s condition, left my parents to make a decision that is every parent’s greatest fear. My brother was taken off of life support, we said our goodbyes and he finally looked at peace.

In high school, most teenagers go about their everyday lives wrapped up in their own world, clueless, vulnerable, and having so much more to learn in life.(what exactly are you trying to say here?) Each time a family member, friend, classmate, or anyone would ask me, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” I stood there scratching my head with uncertainty, although I was leaning towards the medical field. This question crossed my mind countless times as the years in high school flew by, but not once did I ever think I would have to ask myself “What would you do if you were never able to see your brother again?” The sudden passing of my brother left me devastated, distraught, and impacted every aspect of life .

My desire to pursue a career in the medical field quickly changed after his tragic death, causing me to lose interest in studying medicine in college. Although my life has never been the same, there was at least one positive outcome from this traumatic event. My brother had made the choice long before the accident to be an organ donor. Through him, my family and I became involved with The Gift of Life Donor Program. By Meeting transplant recipients and seeing how grateful they were helped rekindle my passion for medicine and desire to help others. One man received my brother’s eyes, and having gone from years of blindness to finally experiencing vision was enough to make me believe in the gift of life and regain faith in medicine. (great sentence)

Shadowing a trauma/critical care PA at St. Luke’s Hospital has also revitalized this passion. Witnessing her role as a PA, as well as a consoler, providing essential patient care and empathy towards families made me realize that being a PA is my true calling and passion.(first time you mention PA which is good, i am hoping now to see some comparisons as to why PA over everything else you have seen) Having experienced what it is like to be the family on the other side, I know I possess the compassion and dedication to be in such a position to intensively care for patients.(maybe say here the traits/qualities of being a PA, you mentioned you liked how they informed you in an understanding way, and offered support and compassion) It would give me great satisfaction to know I have the power to make such an impact on patients’ lives and comfort families, the same way that I was once comforted. Additionally, the versatility available within this career is appealing to me, because it will allow me to continuously further my education. Knowing I can switch specialities and work in various disciplines of medicine throughout any moment in my career is enticing.(why is this important for you? This would help you in explaining hwy PA over anything else, say youre not sure which field is most attractive to you and yo uwant to be able to explore various fields) From prior experiences, I know clinical research and critical care greatly interest me. As my perception on life has altered over the years, I found tragedy became my new motivation but with my perseverance and determination, I am certain no matter how challenging it may be, becoming a physician assistant is the rewarding career I am meant to pursue.  (great ending!)

 

 

- at a lost for words on how to end this .. don't really like my ending sentence I like the ending!

- Does Physician Assistant need to be capitalized throughout ? or lower case lower case (I changed it)

- do I answer the question / get my point across You tell great stories. But you only mention PA once. I can tell you are passionate about the medical field and wanting to help people since this is something personal to you. But as far as WHY YOU WANT TO BE A PA? is still iffy by reading your PS. You have seen and witnessed alot of medical professionals. why PA out of anything else? You mention that one pa and say that is you true calling but why not nurse or doctor? Maybe the doctor did not spend so much time with you and it was the PA that answered your questions? nurses are usually there the most with the patient so why not a nurse? do you like being able to make your own decisions/diagnosis? Just expand on the PA a little bit more. What about the PA did you like?? Expand on this more than the stories. You have 5024 characters. So let me see now what you should cut out.

- any gramatically issues seen? I fixed the issues I saw, but mainly I would focus on the content and then grammatical issues last bc those are easy to fix. I can look at your second draft.

 

 

I can tell you are definetly passionate about the medical field but not that you are passionate about being a PA specifically. Expand on this. Write a second draft and I can help you with what to cut out after! Besides that it is so great! It s hard to find an essay that keeps me interested and wanting to read every word and yours did just that. You are a good writer, have great flow and experiences (im very sorry about your loss). You have very little to adjust great job!! Best of luck to you! And i posted my second draft somewehre if you can find it and give me advice. Thanks! LMK if you have an questions :)

 

 

[xomelanie]

I put in blue the only time you mention PA 

[tommyding]

one of the key things that schools look for in a personal statement is how you use your Healthcare experience to show that you understand what its like to work in the medical field and also that you are ready to pursue a career as a PA. Were you able to work in a medical setting or provide the aforementioned compassion that you felt was instilled in you from your personal life?

[afloo]

yes, I have done clinical research, worked briefly as a scribe, and have volunteered in an abroad medical clinic with a non-profit organization. but I do not have that much direct patient care yet, like someone who has been a PCA or CNA.