First rough draft

[KevinC]

Hello, I am a first time applicant and this is my very first rough draft. I know it needs so more work and editting but I am lost on which direction to take it at the moment. Any advice or critiques would be very much appreciated. Thank you for taking the time to read!

 

            I have been in this room for 43 hours, the walls seem to be closing in on me, I can not tell what time of day it is, let alone what the actual date it. I am afraid to blink, afraid that exact instant I blink, he will take his very last breathe. Although, I feel like I cannot breathe myself.

Just three days before this moment was a great gathering. It was the day after Christmas and all my friends where back in town from college. Everyone was in euphoria, as we were all together for the first time in a while, just finished undergrad and nervous to start our lives. I was busy listening to every conversation I could slip into, hearing each one of my friends’ dreams of medical or law school ambitions, this was it, this was our lives. Suddenly I heard a scream, followed by a few harsh thumps. My best friend Sampson had fallen backwards down a set of stairs. I rushed down there to help him not yet realizing the severity of his health. Sampson was conscious and responsive when we arrived at the hospital, but nothing could prepare us for the test results. Sampson was diagnosed with brain edema. A skilled team of physicians, physician assistants and nurses did everything they could but Sampson was not going to make it. The next moments were chaos; emotions were high and our world was turned upside down, when a physician approached Sampsons family explaining the important and timely decision they must make. Many of Sampsons organs were able to be donated. My best friend passed that night but a 12-year-old girl lives on through his heartbeat.  

It was the worst 43 hours of my life, where I discovered what I want to do with the rest of my life. While my heart was breaking, my mind was racing; I was intrigued with the CHAOS going on around me. The collaboration between every staff member working around the clock to ensure every step has been taking to save a life. When that life could not be saved, the amplitude of support and education the medical staff provided. I could not stop thinking about the next medical team to who had been called in for the multiple organ donations, a team educated and skilled to execute a life saving transplant. I knew at that moment I wanted to dedicate my life to a medical profession.

            In the beginning of my college days, I was elated to be a freshman at the University of South Florida. I have always had a passion for knowledge and education, but at 18 years of age I had no idea what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. It seemed so far away and a decision that could easily be put off. As the years progressed I decided to pursue a bachelors degree in Interdisciplinary Social Sciences. Upon graduation I knew I wanted to continue my education but still unsure of my next educational advancement, I took a break from school and got a job at a prestigious dental office. This became my first experience with patients. I loved my job, the patients, staff and doctors I had the privilege of working with. It was the end of my first year with the practice when Sampson passed, and when I realized I wanted to expand my health care knowledge. I researched multiple positions and discussed each one with the doctors. The PA profession seemed to be the most applicable for my desires. In order to get first hand experience on the exact role I got a shadowing opportunity at a surgery center.

My first day of shadowing I was excited, walking into the surgery center I could not wait to meet each person on the team. My very first surgery I watched was a laparoscopic hernia repair. Standing over the doctors’ shoulder I was focusing on the relationship between himself and his PA. They worked so well together, each move seemed predicted and flawless, they made a dynamic team. I continued to shadow different surgeries, I was intrigued and listened intensely to the doctors explain each move they were making and the anatomy behind it all. My favorite days became when I was working with the PAs, while the doctor would scrub in, perform the surgery and leave the room, the PA was present through the whole process. After the doctor was finished, his PA would close the incisions and wait with the CRNA for the patient to wake up, where they would help wheel them to recovery and ensure the patient was stable.

My interest in the PA profession continued to grow; I was given the opportunity to spend a day with one of the doctors PAs (Judy) at his office. Here I was able to learn the various roles Judy acted outside of a surgery setting. Judy and myself saw a variety of patients that day. Many new patients came in distraught and hopeless, I watched as Judy explained their options, and educated them on each to help form a treatment plan together. Judy was very knowledgeable and was able to gain the patients’ trust and understanding. She was able to assist every appointment from consults to pre-ops and post-ops. The post-ops proved to be very rewarding. Since Judy was with each patient form the first time they walked through the doors, she knew the initial concerns, treatment plan, and assisted in the surgery. Because of this she was able to answer every question and ensure the patient was healing properly.  With each preceding post-op appointment the patients expressed a great sense of confidence and appreciation for Judy. This experience made me understand why Judy speaks so highly of her profession and the doctor she works under.

While the surgery center is the place of excitement, I am grateful I was able to experience the time put in before and after a patient’s surgery appointment. The whole experience has affirmed my desire to become a physician assistant. I want to be the guidance and support throughout the patients entire treatment plan. I want to help restore faith in patients who may have had a previous negative experience within a medical setting. I want to work collaboratively with a physician to diagnose and create the most effective plan to ensure the patients’ needs are exceeded.

[xomelanie]

 

I edited your essay on microsoft word but now I dont know how to paste the changes

[xomelanie]

  I have been in this room for 43 hours, the walls seem to be closing in on me, I can not tell what time of day it is, let alone what the actual date is. I am afraid to blink, afraid that exact instant I blink, he will take his very last breath. Although, I feel like I cannot breathe myself.

 

Just three days before this moment was a great gathering. It was the day after Christmas (of my senior year?) and all of my friends where back in town from college. Everyone was in euphoria, as we were all together for the first time in a while, just finished undergrad and nervous to start our lives. I was busy listening to every conversation I could slip into, hearing each one of my friends’ dreams of medical or law school ambitions, this was it; this was our lives. Suddenly I heard a scream, followed by a few harsh thumps. My best friend Sampson had fallen backwards down a set of stairs. I rushed down there to help him, not yet realizing the severity of his health. Sampson was conscious and responsive when we arrived at the hospital, but nothing could prepare us for the test results. Sampson was diagnosed with brain edema. A skilled team of physicians, physician assistants and nurses did everything they could, but Sampson was not going to make it. The next moments were chaos; emotions were high and our world was turned upside down, when a physician approached Sampson’s family, explaining the important and timely decision they must make. Many of Sampson’s organs were able to be donated. My best friend passed that night but a 12-year-old girl lives on through his heartbeat.(Nice!)

 

It was the worst 43 hours of my life. where I discovered what I want to do with the rest of my life. While my heart was breaking, my mind was racing; I was intrigued with the chaos going on around me. The collaboration between every staff member working around the clock to ensure every step has been taking to save a life and when that life could not be saved, the amplitude of support and education the medical staff provided. I could not stop thinking about the next medical team to who had been called in for the multiple organ donations, a team educated and skilled to execute a lifesaving transplant. I knew at that moment I wanted to dedicate my life to a medical profession.

(Im confused bc ^ here you say you wanted to dedicate your life to medicine but then you go on to say you had no idea what you wanted to do? Oh was this before then? You said you realized this when u started college but you went through all of college studying social sciences?)

            In the beginning of my college days, I was elated to be a freshman at the University of South Florida. I have always had a passion for knowledge and education, but at 18 years of age I had no idea what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. It seemed so far away and a decision that could easily be put off. As the years progressed I decided to pursue a bachelor’s degree in Interdisciplinary Social Sciences. Upon graduation, I knew I wanted to continue my education but still unsure of my next educational advancement. I took a break from school and got a job at a prestigious dental office. This became my first experience with patients. I loved my job, the patients, staff and doctors I had the privilege of working with. It was the end of my first year with the practice when Sampson passed, and when I realized I wanted to expand my health care knowledge. I researched multiple positions and discussed each one with the doctors, The PA profession seemed to be the most applicable for my desires. In order to get first hand experience on the exact role I got a shadowing opportunity at a surgery center.,finally deciding I would need to witness these professions firsthand. (you dont describe anything about PA yet, I would wait)

[Oh I see now it happened after college, okay then you should change in the intro bc it seems like that happened freshman year]

My first day of shadowing I was excited was exciting, walking into the surgery center I could not wait to meet each person on the team. My very first surgery I watched was a laparoscopic hernia repair. (donnt need this unless you can shorten it, your essay is 6056 characters) Standing over the doctors’ shoulder,[ as he performed a lap repair],I was focusing on the relationship between himself and his PA. They worked so well together, each move seemed predicted and flawless, they made a dynamic team. I continued to shadow different surgeries, I was intrigued and listened intensely to the doctors explain each move they were making and the science behind it all. My favorite days became were when I was with observing the PAs, while the doctor would perform the surgery and leave the room, the PA was present throughout the whole process. After the doctor was finished, his PA would close the incisions and wait with the CRNA for the patient to wake up, where he/she would help wheel them to recovery and ensure the patient was stable.

 

My interest in the PA profession continued to grow; I was given the opportunity to spend a day with one of the doctors PAs at his office. Here, I was able to learn the various roles Judy acted outside of a surgery setting. Judy and myself saw a variety of patients that day.  Many new patients came in distraught and hopeless, I watched as Judy explained their options, and educated them on each to help form a treatment plan together. Judy was very knowledgeable and was able to gain the patients’ trust and understanding. She was able to assist patients with consults to pre-ops and post-ops. remove the post ops rewarding Since Judy was with each patient form the first time they walked through the doors, she knew the initial concerns, treatment plan and assisted in the surgery. Because of this she was able to answer every question and ensure the patient was healing properly.  With each preceding post-op appointment the patients expressed a great sense of confidence and appreciation for Judy.  This experience made me understand why Judy speaks so highly of her profession and the doctor she works under Instead write what you learned, keep it short and sweet. Say this experience made me better understand the responsibility of a PA and more sure of your desire in the profession.

 

While the surgery center is the place of excitement, I am grateful I was able to experience the time put in before and after a patient’s surgery appointment. (nice, I like how you link both stories!) These experiences have affirmed my desire to become a physician assistant. I want to be the guidance and support throughout the patients’ entire treatment plan. I want to help restore faith in patients who may have had a previous negative experience within a medical setting. I want to work collaboratively with a physician to diagnose and create the most effective plan to ensure the patients’ needs are exceeded. (And most of all, ____) pick a good strong sentence to close it, maybe bring it back to Sampson? 

 

 

---- So I had it in microsoft word and tracked changes and it wouldnt let me paste it so I redid it on here. Over all I really love your PS. Im really tired and didn't feel like readying but once I read your first paragraph I couldnt stop. I love how you link your experience with Sampson, and the 2 surgery shadowing together. You show me why you want to be a PA instead of tell and I like that. Your only issue is that it is over characters, so you have the content just work on condensing sentences! Keep the story in the beginnign and maybe adjust the rest, I deleted what I could. You shouldnt have much editing to do then! Best of luck to you!

 

If you dont mind reading my second draft in one of the previous posts I would appreciate it.

[KevinC]

Thank you very much for taking your time to help me, I would love to read your statement and help as much as I can.

I knew understanding the timing was confusing, I kept switching paragraphs around to try and make the most sense, ill work on the best way to fix that.