Personal Statement Help Need and Much Appreciated!!!

[PSU5006]

So I am in the process of re-applying and I'd like to knock this PS out of the ballpark to make up for a low GPA and GRE score. I feel that its missing that certain something that makes it memorable but not sure what..... Any type of input would be helpful! Thanks!

 

 

Imagine moving to a foreign country and settling down with nothing more than three suitcases and the clothes on your back. My parents did exactly that. They immigrated to the U.S. in hopes of providing an exceptional education and a better lifestyle for my brother and I. My parents always told me that I could achieve anything with hard work and dedication. I witnessed first hand the sacrifices and hardships my parents had overcome and it translated into my own work ethic. The diagnosis of my brother’s neurological disorder sparked my interest in healthcare. The innumerable trips to the hospital unveiled the clinical setting and gave me a chance to observe the medical team in action. The ability of doctors and nurses to work hand in hand to remedy what seemed to be impossible corralled my attention. Healthcare has been a significant part of my family and I knew this career was something special that I wanted to be a part of.

 

I began this pursuit at the Pennsylvania State University and became the first college graduate in my family. I enrolled in a variety of classes from anatomy to genetics to feed my curiosity of the human body. Along with a full course load, I volunteered at various hospitals, stayed active in the community and shadowed an assortment of medical professionals. Getting to observe surgical procedures and understanding the mechanics and resiliency of the human body made healthcare even more alluring. My first taste of hands on experience was at the campus clinic where I was able to learn elementary skills such as examining x-rays and knowing the importance of different lung sounds. I felt a degree of satisfaction but believed that I could contribute at a higher capacity.

 

After college, working as an Emergency Medical Technician gave me the opportunity to work with a more diverse patient population at a higher acuity level. The demanding environment was intimidating at first but I was determined to succeed. The pressures associated with pre-hospital care exercised my knowledge of medications and procedures as well as sharpen my communication skills. Presently, I have been working at the Children's Hospital of Philadelphia with kids affected by an array of psychological and neuromuscular diseases. It has been fulfilling to help bring a smile to children and families affected by illness just like my own. CHOP has exposed me to a spectrum of patients from different cultural and socioeconomic backgrounds. This clinical research incorporates a medical perspective as well as elements of social work and laboratory skills. Raising patient awareness and being involved in outreach programs sponsored by CHOP added to my well-rounded experience. My contributions as a researcher will help future generations but my passion lies in being able to deliver medical attention to those directly in need.

 

Being around hospitals for some time, I came across the Physician Assistant profession. After researching the position, I appreciated how versatile PAs could be moving between different medical specialties. Another benefit was their ability to cooperate with doctors and nurses to choose the best course of action for a patient. Mentoring and being part of the medical community also stretched their impact beyond the exam room. Learning in a medical model that is based on general health practice was their most impressive quality. Taking time for patient education while rendering a higher level of care has led me to believe that the role of a PA fits my personality, strengths, and abilities.

 

A rejection letter from the last cycle was a disappointment that gave me time to reinforce my reasons for entering this profession. Taking additional classes, attending grand rounds with medical students and staying up to date with current issues regarding PAs while working full-time reflects my dedication to the PA profession. Growing up, I was taught the importance of a good education and that learning does not end after you receive a diploma but is lifelong. I believe my experience, amiable nature, and perseverance my parents have instilled in me will enable me to become an exceptional future PA.

[cinntsp]

There is a personal statement forum that this should be posted in.

[Banuchi]

Thread moved to correct forum

[Just Steve]

So I am in the process of re-applying and I'd like to knock this PS out of the ballpark to make up for a low GPA and GRE score. I feel that its missing that certain something that makes it memorable but not sure what..... Any type of input would be helpful! Thanks!

 

 

Imagine moving to a foreign country and settling down with nothing more than three suitcases and the clothes on your back. My parents did exactly that. They immigrated to the U.S. in hopes of providing an exceptional education and a better lifestyle for my brother and I. My parents always told me that I could achieve anything with hard work and dedication. I witnessed first hand the sacrifices and hardships my parents had overcome and it translated into my own work ethic. The diagnosis of my brother’s neurological disorder sparked my interest in healthcare. The innumerable trips to the hospital unveiled the clinical setting and gave me a chance to observe the medical team in action. The ability of doctors and nurses to work hand in hand to remedy what seemed to be impossible corralled my attention. Healthcare has been a significant part of my family and I knew this career was something special that I wanted to be a part of.

 

I began this pursuit at the Pennsylvania State University and became the first college graduate in my family. I enrolled in a variety of classes from anatomy to genetics to feed my curiosity of the human body. Along with a full course load, I volunteered at various hospitals, stayed active in the community and shadowed an assortment of medical professionals. Getting to observe surgical procedures and understanding the mechanics and resiliency of the human body made healthcare even more alluring. My first taste of hands on experience was at the campus clinic where I was able to learn elementary skills such as examining x-rays and knowing the importance of different lung sounds. I felt a degree of satisfaction but believed that I could contribute at a higher capacity.

 

After college, working as an Emergency Medical Technician gave me the opportunity to work with a more diverse patient population at a higher acuity level. The demanding environment was intimidating at first but I was determined to succeed. The pressures associated with pre-hospital care exercised my knowledge of medications and procedures as well as sharpen my communication skills. Presently, I have been working at the Children's Hospital of Philadelphia with kids affected by an array of psychological and neuromuscular diseases. It has been fulfilling to help bring a smile to children and families affected by illness just like my own. CHOP has exposed me to a spectrum of patients from different cultural and socioeconomic backgrounds. This clinical research incorporates a medical perspective as well as elements of social work and laboratory skills. Raising patient awareness and being involved in outreach programs sponsored by CHOP added to my well-rounded experience. My contributions as a researcher will help future generations but my passion lies in being able to deliver medical attention to those directly in need.

 

Being around hospitals for some time, I came across the Physician Assistant profession. After researching the position, I appreciated how versatile PAs could be moving between different medical specialties. Another benefit was their ability to cooperate with doctors and nurses to choose the best course of action for a patient. Mentoring and being part of the medical community also stretched their impact beyond the exam room. Learning in a medical model that is based on general health practice was their most impressive quality. Taking time for patient education while rendering a higher level of care has led me to believe that the role of a PA fits my personality, strengths, and abilities.

 

A rejection letter from the last cycle was a disappointment that gave me time to reinforce my reasons for entering this profession. Taking additional classes, attending grand rounds with medical students and staying up to date with current issues regarding PAs while working full-time reflects my dedication to the PA profession. Growing up, I was taught the importance of a good education and that learning does not end after you receive a diploma but is lifelong. I believe my experience, amiable nature, and perseverance my parents have instilled in me will enable me to become an exceptional future PA.

 

There isn't much room (allowed bytes) in the PS for CASPA. I don't recall the exact number of words that they require, but mine was 600, I cut/pasted yours into Word and it counted it at 675. I tried looking at my original CASPA application but I don't recall my password. Since I got accepted last year, I haven't had a reason to keep current with it. CASPA will not take essays over their word limit. Make sure you don't run over. Make every entry count.

 

That being said..here is my point.

1. Your parents accomplished some amazing things...but this PS is about you, not them. You can learn the value of hard work and dedication from them, but I personally don't find knowing their background makes a big difference. Your opening statement left me wondering if you were born here or also immigrated. Being a non native english speaker may help explain your low GPA/GRE. I'd prefer to see a mention of that situation.

 

2. You volunteered at a hospital...what did you? Pass out cookies and newspapers? You stayed active in the community...what did you do? Arrange pick up basketball games at the local park? Or spend time reading to the elderly at a nursing home? What did your shadowing consist of? How many hours? What specialties? 2 hours per specialty doesn't carry as much weight as 20 hours in one or two (in my opinion)...the short duration of a couple of hours is just a peep show..not enough time to soak things up. What surgery, how many surgeries did you see? We talking mole removal or lung removal?

 

3. How long did you work as an EMT? Ambulance based or ER based? Both? Neither? What did you learn about medicines as an EMT? EMT basic can help patients with their own nitro, aspirin, and albuterol inhaler...not much more. What exactly was your experience? Did you look up to learn the names of common beta blockers, ACE inhibitors, SSRI's, ect? What exactly are you doing at CHOP? Your description is a bit vague. I can guess that you are doing some sort of research but are you researching their socioeconomic demographic? What are you doing in their outreach program? Driving the truck? Or leading discussions?...you mention it's fulfilling to bring a smile to children affected by illness like your own...what is your illness? Are you prepared to talk about it? Will it hinder your ability to perform as a PA? Or is it better not mentioned? We all like bringing smiles to people...that sort of thing can be just space wasting fluff if you are not prepared to discuss how your particular illness has set you up to succeed.

 

4. In your first opening paragraph you discuss how you got bit by the medical bug...speaking of it again seems to take up verbage. I'd find a way to combine the first paragraph talking about being around medicine and your fourth paragraph how you love PAs and the medical model.

 

5. Why did you get rejected last time? What have you done specifically to fix the situation? Somehow I don't think you didn't get in last time because you failed to round with med students or read trade journals. Did you fall short last time because of low GPA/GRE? Have you retaken the GRE? Did you improve? How many classes have you taken, in what field to bring up your GPA? How successful were you? Did you go from C's to B's? Or A's?

 

The main point I guess I'm trying to make is that you need to quantify your new experiences. How much, what kind, how long..give numbers, facts, descriptions...being vague just draws me to think you haven't really put some real effort in the right direction, when that in fact, there couldn't be anything further from the truth. SHOW the reader that you have been out working hard ie: I have shadowed 16 hours with internal medicine PAs, 24 hours with surgical PAs getting to observe 2 laproscopic hernia repairs and a total knee repair. I have volunteered at the hospital 10 hours a week for the past 6 months performing the supportive tasks of running lab samples to the right department, escorting patients to their right clinic, answering phones at the information desk.

 

make sense?

[UllrPrincess]

You also plagiarized jwindsors essay with your strength and abilities line. Ridiculous.

[EMSArtist]

FTR jw applied last season and I'm 99% sure she got in...

 

Plagiarism is never a good idea.

 

This is a very passive PS. There are no specifics. This is bad. This PS needs some serious punch to make it move.

 

more coffee please.

[Just Steve]

FTR jw applied last season and I'm 99% sure she got in...

 

Plagiarism is never a good idea.

 

This is a very passive PS. There are no specifics. This is bad. This PS needs some serious punch to make it move.

 

more coffee please.

 

Well that being said...can I have permission to to use your line that I bolded? I like it...it helps put a finer point on my blather of "quantifying accomplishments". :-)

[EMSArtist]

Well that being said...can I have permission to to use your line that I bolded? I like it...it helps put a finer point on my blather of "quantifying accomplishments". :-)

 

 

You can definitely quote :)

 

Though since coffee I have revised to this : This PS is passive. There are no specifics. This is bad. Give it amphetamines and let it run around the gorilla enclosure. This might help.