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Potential Final Draft. ANY critisism encouraged! Thanks!

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 I have contemplated long and hard about why I want to become a Physician Assistant.  In doing so, it made me think back to my childhood dream; a dream of becoming a super hero. I would tie a towel around my neck and jump from various heights hoping I could learn to fly. Whenever there was an injured animal, I would bring it home to nurse it back to health. Every time a kid was bullied on the playground, I would stick up for them and let them know that I cared. However, as I grew up, I learned that a true super hero was not exactly as they appeared to be in the comics. They cannot fly or shoot laser beams. What they can do is help those who cannot help themselves. They save lives and genuinely care about people. I feel that becoming a PA would fulfill my dream of becoming a super hero.  I simply want to help as many people as I can by ultimately becoming a PA for the United States Navy.

        Although I am lacking in direct patient care, teaching has instilled upon me a great amount of empathy and compassion. I work in a special needs classroom in a rural community of only five thousand people. These kids have shown me what it truly means to be happy. Robert was first diagnosed with cystinosis, an incredibly rare genetic disorder, as a baby. He lost his mother in a car accident at three and his father is an alcoholic who has been in and out of jail throughout his entire life.  He had a kidney transplant at the age of twelve, and the medications to treat his disorder cause him to emit an odd sulfurous smell. Yet, through all this, he always had a smile on his face and loved every one of his classmates as though they were family. Every day, when I got to the class he would jokingly shout “Daddy! Good Morning!” Robert looked up to me as a father figure and knew that I truly cared about him. I am so proud that these kids look up to me with such admiration. Robert is not just a “student” to me. He is an incredible kid with an amazing heart. When I am a PA, I want my patients to not be “just a patient.” I want to see them as unique individuals, each with their own story to tell.

        There have been some setbacks in my life which have been used to learn and grow from. During high school, I made the choice to get my GED rather than being held back a year. I have always valued education and knew I wanted a college degree; however, I did not quite know what I wanted to do. The only thing I knew was that I wanted a profession which helps people in a healthcare setting. I went to school for nursing, but eventually realized that nursing was not enough for what I wanted out of a career. I wanted to be the one prescribing the medications and performing the surgeries. I took a few years off of school due to the inability to afford tuition while working full-time and living on my own. When I eventually went back to university, I did very well. However, I was forced to withdraw during my spring 2011 semester due to the loss of both my father and grandmother. It was then that I realized I had to remain strong, even in the direst of circumstances. Through all these events, I have since had a steadfast goal of becoming a PA.

        Job shadowing a PA in an emergency room setting really helped me to put the qualifications of being a PA into perspective.  During this time, I saw numerous procedures including staples, sutures, intubations, and the insertion of chest tubes. These were all incredible to observe, but what really amazed me was how vital a role my PA played at the hospital.  He had over a decade of experience in orthopedics, and the doctors frequently asked for his expertise in performing unusual reductions. The doctors trusted his judgment and always agreed with his course of treatment. This PA was compassionate towards all of his patients and often donated money to those in need so that they could afford their medications. He is the epitome of what a PA should be and has provided me with an unimaginable amount of inspiration. Through this experience, I was able to make certain that being a PA is exactly what I want to do with my life.

        Over the past few years, my entire being has been driven to complete what is required to get into PA school. I have retaken several prerequisite courses to help me refresh my knowledge.  I have thoroughly enjoyed every Saturday I spent job shadowing a PA. I plan to continue with even more shadowing so that I can gain as much knowledge as I can about medicine and the PA profession. Becoming a PA will turn me into that super hero I had always wanted to be.

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First paragraph needs to go.  You are one of many, many applicants to each of your respective/prospective programs for a very competitive school.  You absolutely cannot give a reason for being a PA as having anything to do with how you felt about it as a child.  I get what you are trying to explain, but I really can't think of any way to rewrite this though to make it fit into a PA school application.  It's cute, but you don't need cute in your application, you need "hi, here's who I am, here is why I want to be a PA, and here is why I deserve a seat in your next class."


If you meet the minimum standards for HCE, then there is no need for the statement "although I lack direct patient care."  Don't use your ps to point out what your application stats already say.  You  need to focus on what you bring to the table, not what you lack or wish you had.


Delete anything indicating "I didn't know what I wanted to do when I was younger."  This is obvious; 99/100 kids don't truly know what they want to do when they're older, because they're not older yet. 


The second to last paragraph is strong, but the closing paragraph really softens the landing...your application is objective evidence that you've worked hard to get into PA school, there is no need to reiterate this.  I would delete this paragraph entirely and use the preceding stronger paragraph as a conclusion, finding a way to tie in previous elements of your storyline together and wrap it all up in a nice, complete, cohesive thought.


I have to write briefly...please don't take any comments personally.


Best of luck to you.


edit: do not use this as a final draft!!  it needs a lot of work - keep at it.

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Thanks for your reply!  I actually already turned in my applications.I shall just have to see how it goes. My primary choice school has rolling admissions and a deadline of Sept 1. I can understand your viewpoint on the intro and I actually completely agree with you...my conclusion is adequate at best. Let's just hope my 3.9 GPA and 200+ hours PA Job Shadowing are enough to compensate haha. I still feel my 2nd and 4th paragraphs are strong enough to carry the weight. Thanks again! And no offense taken at all friend. I prefer an honest and straightforward review over a sugar coated one any day.

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