Please critic my first rough draft.

[in-kognito]

Please critique my rough draft.

And thank you!

 

I was married a little longer than a year when my world collapsed and separated into "before and after." Our bright future together, dreams and new beginnings shot down in a minute, I woke up to my husband screaming with an inhuman voice. He never talked about his past, but I realized it was something extremely dark in his memories. A couple of nights later he woke up screaming in terror again. From that, the amplitude of his nightmares started to grow bigger and became more violent. In just a few weeks, he became his own shadow, with blackened eyes and poor posture. Seeking answers, I read an article about psychiatric diseases. The symptoms conclusively confirmed that my husband was suffering from traumatic events that led to severe post-traumatic stress disorder. It took 6 months to convince him to accept the help. During these arduous 6 months, I spent time researching cases, treatments, and supporting groups. These 6 months transformed my perception of the world, and I realized that I wanted to help people when they were sick.

I changed my major to pre-nursing and was soon accepted into nursing school. While in the first year of my studies, I quickly recognized that the nursing scope of practice would not be enough for what I wanted to accomplish. I needed independence. I needed an extensive and in-depth training. However, I still wanted to practice medicine on a team and under supervision. I wanted to not only examine patients, but also be able to diagnose and provide treatment. With this in mind, I began researching my options until I found the Physician Assistant profession. The more I learned about the profession, the more in awe I become of the impact that a PA can have on the life of patient. I continued my research of the profession and available programs. That helped me create the list of prerequisite classes that I would need to complete to become a competitive applicant. I proceeded with nursing education, while taking prerequisite classes and working. In May 2014, I graduated with an Associate Degree in Nursing. I immediately transitioned to the Bachelor Degree in Nursing program. Also, I was offered a job as a Registered Nurse in a local hospital. During this past spring semester, I was enrolled in 3 colleges, completing 22 credit hours to cover most of the prerequisite classes.

While working the night shifts in a busy unit, I've met many clinicians, including physicians, nurse practitioners and PAs. I’ve witnessed how different PAs interacted with nurses and physicians. I was amazed with the level of comprehension, commitment, and patience that PAs expressed towards patients and their families. Often, they would encourage patients to ask questions and would provide extremely knowledgeable and easy to understand recommendations. From my nurse’s perspective, PAs were the best clinicians to get instructions from. Their orders were clear, logical and thorough.

One of our PAs who knew that I was getting ready to apply for PA school told me "follow your dream and study hard." From a very young age, I knew exactly what "follow your dreams" really means. When I was 4 years old, my mother, a piano teacher, had a heated discussion with my dad, a ballet dancer, regarding whether I should become a pianist. Every day since that conversation, I was expected to practice diligently behind my piano. It started with 4 hours, but developed into 10 hours a day, every day, with no days off, sick days or vacation time. At age 14, I thought "I have no life". Now, I believe that all these days of practice built the stamina of my character. By the age of 16, I had performed twice with the symphonic orchestra and won dozens of competitions. At the age of 10, I tore connective tissue in my hand while practicing, and became permanently incapable of performing at the professional level. I changed the direction of my talents and started my education towards a career in advertising. During the first year of my studies, I became the student representative, and started working on my thesis. By the third year, I had 4 publications, visited 5 conferences as a speaker and attained a job at the best advertising agency in the area. It was an exciting time, during which I diligently managed my education, work and social life. The advertising agency which I worked for had the misfortune to contract the political leader who became a strong opponent to the political front-runner of the current ****** regime. A conflict of interest was established, and employees who fought for their political beliefs were ordered to leave the country. I was part of this group, and left everything behind and started over.

Looking back at my life's experiences, I truly believe that I needed to endure those difficulties to become the strong and determined person that I am today. My husband’s illness introduced me to the fascinating world of medicine and has given me the focus and determination to succeed in this profession. I no longer ask the question “who do I want to become?” For me, there is only one answer. I want to be a Physician Assistant!

[medicfourlife]

Disclaimer: I am not an English literature major, so please take this with a grain of salt.

 

The first paragraph, you had me, I was interested.  The second and third, my thoughts were reinforced, you showed how you have put in the work, the time, the effort, and you really understand what it is to be a PA.

 

Then there is the fourth. You start off with a quote from a PA, then for the rest of the narrative, you reference trials you faced in your life quite extensively. I had to go back and re-read it because I got lost in the flash-backs, which were only vaguely related back to your drive to become a PA. 

 

I like the first few paragraphs and I think the rest of the information is good information to include, but in my opinion using it at the end of the narrative detracts too much from what you accomplish with the start. Good luck!!

[in-kognito]

Disclaimer: I am not an English literature major, so please take this with a grain of salt.

 

The first paragraph, you had me, I was interested.  The second and third, my thoughts were reinforced, you showed how you have put in the work, the time, the effort, and you really understand what it is to be a PA.

 

Then there is the fourth. You start off with a quote from a PA, then for the rest of the narrative, you reference trials you faced in your life quite extensively. I had to go back and re-read it because I got lost in the flash-backs, which were only vaguely related back to your drive to become a PA. 

 

I like the first few paragraphs and I think the rest of the information is good information to include, but in my opinion using it at the end of the narrative detracts too much from what you accomplish with the start. Good luck!!

Thank you so much for your input!

In the last two paragraphs I attempted to proof that I can study and work really hard and I have it in me.

 

Thank you again. I'll work more on it.