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Rough Draft PS- Any thoughts would be lovely :)

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Hi all! This is just a rough draft, so I am just curious if I am heading in the right direction! I realize the flow is kind of shaky, so any and all critiques are most welcome! Thank you!  


            The past summer I spent working at the Inn at Belden Village Assisted Living showed me an entirely new aspect of my desire to care for others. During the time I spent working there I flourished in the opportunity to demonstrate care with integrity and purpose. I also solidified my desire to give care to others in a higher level in the medical field as a Physician Assistant (PA). In particular, having worked in a special care unit with individuals I was able to learn how debilitating health issues can be when they progress throughout a person’s life into their final years. This experience has further motivated me in that I hope to work with patients to help possibly prevent various health deteriorating conditions, before they render a person to Hospice. Furthermore, working with residents who are dying has enriched my sensitivity and empathy for those in such circumstances.  

            I have always been a compassionate person. Even as a young child I never failed to attempt to rescue a stray dog, at times forcing my mother to pull over the car so I could bring the animal to safety. My love for animals has endured, which initially enticed my interest in biology. These classes were a gateway in high school, where I was allowed to explore various career aspects. I realized my compassion for caring for animals extended beyond to people health care. Additionally, while many things in life can be in a grey area, I was drawn to the finite answers that could be reached in the exploration in science. I found pleasure in reaching a conclusion through critical thinking, experimentation and analysis- I still do enjoy this process. Around the end of my senior year of high school, I began to wonder how I would be able to apply both my compassionate and analytical skills to any career. I didn’t see how sensitivity could ever fit into the hard factual world of science. It was a simple suggestion by my mother to look into a profession I had never heard of that ultimately sparked my interest in the career as a PA. It was a dream come true for me as I realized that I could provide quality health care to patients and yet still maintain my dreams of having a family. The profession resembled the exact balance of compassion and tactfulness I ultimately want in my life.

            I have always prided myself on being a calm and levelheaded person in all that I do. I have the ability to evaluate a situation from all aspects before making a purposeful decision, which has helped me not only academically but also in my relationships. However, my junior year of college presented me with challenges I was unable to match. Amongst taking some of the most difficult courses of my academic career, I was plagued by an uncertain diagnosis of PCOS. Unfortunately, my emotions and stress about my health affected my performance in the classroom, which lead to mediocre grades. At the end of my junior year, I learned to better cope with the condition and chose to rise above the circumstance and brought what remained of my grades up. I have also elected to retake a course, as I am confident that the previous grade does not fully reflect my abilities. I have also gained insight about life management, so that were I to be thrown into a similar circumstance, my academics would not suffer due to my personal crises.

            In my pursuit of my dreams, I shadowed a number of PAs in the emergency room. These opportunities have furthered my ambitions, as I was able to encounter a wide variety of patients, each with unique health cases. There were more than often times when the PA I was shadowing was faced with predicaments that would test their morals- anyone and everyone is permitted to pursue care from the emergency room. I was subjected to everything from traumas to heartburn. Often, patients would be misinformed regarding their perceived health concerns, yet every PA calmly and respectably addressed and corrected their knowledge. The PAs demonstrated authority with integrity over each individual case. Their relationships with their physicians were also ones of mutual respect and comradeship. The physicians trusted the PAs’ decisions and the PAs revered all interventions of the physician. Shadowing has shown me that I possess numerous desirable qualities in order to excel through the doctor PA patient relationship. I am understanding, empathetic, practical, and collegial.              

              I was given the unique opportunity in my life to not only research various aspects of Alzheimer’s disease, but also work very closely with a community of people that happen to suffer from dementia. Throughout my research I have learned a number of things, the human body is a complex and devious machine that needs to be respected and admired. There are still so many things that we do not understand yet, and getting to take a first-hand part in this type of research has been enlightening. My undergrad research has been enriched by my work done at the retirement home, as I was able to experience this disease through another lens- the human eyes. Often times, research can be viewed as a cold field that lacks the intrapersonal aspects of other careers. By having an experience in both fields, behind the microscope and with the living people, I was able to realize that I crave equilibrium of the two. In being a PA I will not only be presented with health problems that need to be solved, but I will also get to directly express my care for people.  

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I'm going to say two things: 

1.) titles aren't capitalized in this usage: should be physician assistant (PA)

2.) I feel like your PCOS mention is a bit, um, weak.  I have the same diagnosis, and though I was concerned about my ability to have kids in the future, my grades stayed fine.  What really changed with the diagnosis that would have affected your ability to go to class and learn?  I'm not thinking that much.  I do like how you mention about learning life management; that's sounds good--and promising!  

You seem to make some good points, but they don't seem to be fleshed out entirely.  If you're going to say, "I flourished in the opportunity to do X" you should give examples of how.  Your last paragraph sounds more like a text book than your opinion.  All of your readers know how complex the body is-- they've studied it for many years.  Be more specific to you.   

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