Personal Statement...my dad died... Please don't just read...leave a comment! Thanks!

[nguim21]

Exhausted, I looked up to see the 17th mile marker of the Twin Cities Marathon.  I could barely place on foot in front of the other, let along pick up the pace, as I could tell I was slowing down.  I rounded the corner to cross over the Missisippi River and thought "there's no way I can keep running up this hill to get over the bridge....I've got to stop".  My legs felt like I had 20 pound weights on them and I began to sink my chin down into my chest.  At that moment, I caught a glimpse of a picture of my dad that I had pinned to my jersey....It was then that I began to cry as I realized how much suffering had happened in the past 10 years to get me to this place. 
 
Ten years prior, I experienced death for the first time: I walked into the sterile hospital room and immediately ran over to the bed.  I placed my warm, sweatyhand on his clammy hand and just squeezed.  I then laid my head on his chest and look up at all the machines.  They were no longer beeping and flashing; they were silent.  The room was quiet as I pressed my face into his chest hoping, praying and wishing I would feel something, anything.  It was then that I knew he was gone.  My dad, my jolly-go-lucky, bear-hug giving, smiley-guy dad had gone to heaven.  He had succumb to the Leukemia Dr. Gail Bender had diagnosed him with 8 months prior. 
 
As I pushed myself to run faster and keep my head up, I clutched the picture of my dad and reminisced about the care he received and the ups and downs my family and I experienced during his treatment.  What stood out the most, and what continues to stand out the most is the personal, humane and forthright care he received during treatment byt he nurses and by his main doctor, Dr. Bender.  She would eagerly walk into the room with a smile on her face and a gently look in her eyes, no matter what the news was that she had to share.  she always took into account the comings and going of my siblings and me and excitedly asked us how our swim meets or hockey games went.  She was a solid-rock foundation for my family throughout the emotionally-draining time my dad spent int he hospital.  THe compassion she had for her patients was undeniable and the empathy she expressed mad ethe days not so bad. 
 
As a pharmaceutical sales representative, I've had the opportunity to witness multiple clinical settings for the last 8 years.  I have been able to work closely with providers to give patients the best care possible and have had the ability to assist in adjusting treatments and suggesting alternatives to help patients reach the best clinical outcomes for their specific disease. 
 
During my tenure as a representative, I have been bleseed to shadow multiple providers, and the most memorabl ewas shadowing a cardiologist.  Dr. Mahowald allowed me to shadow him in the hospital and it was there that I was able to witness his exceptional care and his ability to emulate the care my dad received by Dr. Bender in the hospital.  One particular patient he was trating needed a pace maker.  We met with the patient in the cath lab waiting are and then proceeded to get scrubbed-in in order to perform the procedure.  Dr. Mahowald allowed me to stand to the left of him and to the left side of the 76-year-old grandma who was about to become a great-grandma.  she lay on the table under general anesthesia as the doctor cut open her chest and placed the pacemaker int he cavity.  After hooking up the leads and adjusting the settings, it was time to allow the device to do its job.  As Dr. Mahowald stepped away from the operating table, the PA stepped in to finish suturing the patient.  It was at this moment that I realized how closely the providers were to performaing faith-based healing here on earth.  It was undeniably amazing!
 
Since that day, I've had a yearning to get closer to direct patient care.  I want to be able to deliver the compassionate care that Dr. Bender and Dr. Mahowald delivered.

[EMEDPA]

just to nit pick a bit(and sorry to sound harsh) you say this:

"I want to be able to deliver the compassionate care that Dr. Bender and Dr. Mahowald delivered."

doesn't that mean you should apply to medical school? I would involve a discussion of the pa's role in this statement. also if you saw other pas doing more than just suturing you should mention it. there are pas out there who run outpatient cardiology clinics as well as solo cover ERs and ICUs. we do more than just suture. also pacemaker is one word, not 2.

also you start with a running analogy, you put it in the middle as well, but you never tell us that you finish the race...stories have a beginning, middle, and end. either you finished(congrats) or you didn't in which case you might want to pick another story...

EmedPA

Fellow marathon/ultramarathon runner (see running thread in recovery room area).

[apollak]

Agree with the above statement. This sounds like you want to be a doctor rather than a PA. The PA is not even mentioned until the second to last paragraph, and then only briefly. Elaborate on your knowledge of the profession and what drew you to working as a PA rather than a doctor. What about the PA stood out to you? How does working as a PA align with your faith based values?

 

I am very sorry to hear about your dad.But somebody mentioned on this forum previously that any adverse events should be mentioned somewhat "dispassionately," and in terms of how you grew from them. It might be a good idea to reword "suffering" so that you will not be construed as a victim.

 

Best of luck!

[triguy18]

I'll start off with the positive: The story about your father and how the care he received motivated you to become a PA is a great idea for a personal statement. Like others have mentioned you should better explain why PA and not another medical position, but overall you are on the right track there.

 

Now some negative: Way too many spelling/grammatical errors. Several instances of incorrect spacing (int he = in the), incorrect capitalization (THe), etc., so clean those up.

 

I would try for a smoother transition from talking about Dr. Bender to your time as a sales rep, it is very abrupt.

 

As stated above, finish the story you started with. You hooked us with the anecdote about the race, then completely abandoned it by the end. My narrative (posted here last night) also talks about an endurance event so I obviously think its a fine strategy, but you have to follow through with it.

 

I don't want to offend you on such a subject, but the way "My dad, my jolly-go-lucky, bear-hug giving, smiley-guy dad had gone to heaven" comes across is very... childish. I would consider rephrasing or leaving out this sentence entirely. Someone else suggested talking about the experience dispassionately, and I think that is good advice.

 

Overall, good idea but needs to be reworked.