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only 600 words??? I HAVE 900!!!! HELP?

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I was eleven years old, when my parents said, “We are moving to America to give you and your brother a better life.” Once we arrived to the US, many changes occurred. My lack of THE English language made it challenging to excel in a new school. I hardly communicated with my teachers. Therefore, I attended a bi-lingual program and pushed myself to learn English by watching the television. I was bullied, accused of saying bad words and was the object of racial slurs. During junior high, I did not make many friends, as a result, I concentrated more on fitting in with others in High school than studying, hence my grades suffered. My counselor gave me a “wake-up call” to get myself together. I attended night classes, Saturday classes, and even summer school. I worked hard and earned good grades, which resulted a 4.0 GPA and graduation with honors. These circumstances allowed me to be determined never to settle for mediocrity again.  Throughout my life, I have faced many social, cultural and educational challenges, despite these struggles, I rose above these difficulties with a positive mind-set and a “can-so” attitude. These innate qualities, as well overcoming the hurdles in my life, have primed me to reach even higher to achieve my dream becoming of becoming a Physician Assistant.



My parents never encouraged college, they said girls should just get married and become housewives, but I broke this cultural norm with the help of my mentor, Dr.Thomas Chorba. Dr. Chorba was a surgeon at Swedish Covenant Hospital where I worked as a Patient Support Executive. One day, I encountered a patient coming from the dialysis unite with blood dripping off her sling, AND I immediately I took action by leaving my desk and wheeled the patient back to dialysis. I felt empowered to help her. When Dr. Chorba noticed, he said that my initiative came from my helping nature. Facing diverse patients with various areas of sickness allowed me to have a broad scope of mind. (Clean this up a little---Im not sure what you mean here). I gave emotional support to the patients by listening or by comforting with a smile. With Dr. Chorba’s encouragement I started college life.


I managed two part-jobs and a full time school at a community college. I gained interests in sciences through taking biology courses and through working at biology lab. Eventually, I graduated with an associate’s degree in sciences with honors. Another doctor from SCH advised that I go to PA school, so I started researching and dreaming about PA programs and decided to break the barrier of cultural norms and went beyond my family’s limitations and pursued a Bachelor Degree in Biology at UIC. Furthermore, I joined a UIC Pre-physician assistant club and gained more information regarding PA’s. Also, I volunteered with Heather Forbes, a Physician Assistant at Jesse Brown Medical Center Emergency Department Triage center. Her caring nature and the respect she had towards the veterans inspired me to become a PA. She acquired a broad scope of knowledge and a leadership position in the district I wanted to become her one day. Her ability to triage patients and formulate a diagnosis and treatment plan was truly inspiring.


During my last semester of undergrad, I balanced full time classes, part-time jobs, an Emergency Medical Technician (EMT) course, volunteering with a Physician Assistant, and was the president of Christians on Campus at UIC. I not only gained academic knowledge but, spiritual insight to help patients. As an EMT, I learned to respond quickly in an emergency situation.


During my clinical hours at Northwestern, I encountered a geriatric patient with a bone fracture, skin rupture and several bruises. At first, I felt sympathetic towards her for experiencing a tremendous pain and I did not want to cause any more harm by touching her, but I realized it is necessary to avoid further damage. Although there were two other students standing beside me, I was the one who initiated myself to help, regardless of how I felt before at the moment. I had to give care to the patient by being calm and confident.


In my family, almost 80% of the adults suffer from diabetes. After learning about the human body and the way we can keep ourselves healthy, caused me to learn more and to not only treat patients from their sickness but to share information to avoid making bad decisions. I want to help my family as well as the patients I care for, help to make the right decisions about their health. Not only do I want to help my family make the right decisions but as well as the patients I encounter.


My dream is to specialize in Emergency Medicine because I am able to adapt to an ever changing challenging environment. I am a high achiever, enjoy a challenge, and responsible and seek responsibility. Since coming to America, I have risen above the many challenges that have faced me and rose above all of them.

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This is a good start. Keep the introduction.

What I Like:

  • you demonstrated that you can accomplish great things despite the hardships you've encountered.
  • your dedication to the PA profession (being a member of the Pre-PA club at your University)
  • your passion to create change (from being rebellious haha... not only wanting to be a housewife but also successful)

What needs improvement content wise:

  • remove the capitalized letters in the middle of your sentences (it does more harm than good).
  • have someone from the English department or Writing center provide you with some helpful feedback
  • The first time you introduce "Physician Assistant" make sure you add (PA) - also, it is PAs instead of PA's.
  • You need to fully and thoroughly explain why PA and not MD (like your mentors) or NP (like your future colleagues).
  • Less of what how the PA you encountered learned so much, but what have YOU learned from the experience.

What needs improvement sentence structure wise (clarity):

  • Elaborate more on your experience instead of listing them for example; " Facing diverse patients with various areas of sickness allowed me to have a broad scope of mind" -- how did it allow you to broaden your scope of mind? - use SPECIFICS
  • Refrain from listing things like your resume. Use an experience or two, and explain why it has molded you into a well rounded applicant.
  • "I not only gained academic knowledge but, spiritual insight to help patients. As an EMT, I learned to respond quickly in an emergency situation."
    • ​Do you mean your study habits improved? -- how being an EMT allowed you to respond to certain situations?

​​My last tip would be: include some emotions; sadness, happiness, anger (maybe not so much), something that will make me go "wow, now that's someone I want to meet". 

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