Updated personal statement. Can I please have some constructive criticism!

[phil87lip]

Hello all! I am posting an updated version of my personal statement. I am hoping for some constructive criticism.

Thanks to all who reply!

 

 

My passion for medicine started in my childhood. My father was a medical doctor and knowing that every day he was helping to save people’s lives ignited a flame in me to help those in need. After my father passed away when I was eleven, instead of my flame burning out, it burned hotter and brighter. Although my passion was amplified, my father’s passing still took a toll on my family. My mother had to work three jobs to provide for four children and after seeing how hard she had to work to support us, I sought a job to help relieve some of the stress on her and help my family. I was only fourteen years old, but I was eager to work and being a bus boy/dishwasher constructed a hard work ethic in me. Looking back I am thankful to have worked that job because it built my character, my discipline, and drove my passion towards customer service, which I could eventually transcribe into a healthcare setting.

 

I knew I wanted to help people and it was easy to decide that I wanted to do this through medicine. What was difficult to decide upon was which part of medicine to pursue. Did I want to be a doctor like my father, a pharmacist, or a nurse? Eventually I decided to follow in my father’s footsteps, so throughout undergraduate I was on the premedical route. I joined the premedical society, took my prerequisites for medical school, and even studied for the MCAT. When I graduated college though, I had my eyes set upon a different profession; a profession similar to that of a doctor, but more importantly, a profession very similar to my character.

 

I remember the first time I met a physician assistant. My mother was having problems breathing, so my family and I took her to the emergency room (ER). While I visited my mother, a PA who had been taking care of her walked in. I had heard of PAs before in school, but I never sought out more information into their profession. The PA was very nice and knowledgeable about what had happened to my mother, but what really impacted me was that throughout the time I spent with her in the ER, I had never once seen the doctor. Ultimately my mother was admitted to the hospital and I went home for the night. I couldn’t sleep when I got home, so I decided to research the profession of a PA and what I read was so astonishing. I even contemplated at that instant to switch from pursuing medical school to PA school.

 

After researching the profession meticulously, I decided that I wanted to become a PA. By being a PA, I would spend less time in school and start helping people quicker, spend more time with the people I want to help, and spend more time with my family. It took me an extra year to get all my prerequisite courses finished before I could apply to PA school. During that year I also worked fulltime, volunteered, studied for my GRE, and shadowed a PA. Needless to say it was a busy year, but I prevailed and was ready to apply to PA school. I knew PA school was just as challenging to get accepted into, if not more as medical school, but I didn’t know how challenging until I didn’t get accepted my first time. It was disheartening, but not being accepted my first time further emphasized to me that this is the profession I desire to pursue and that I will not give up.

 

I am thankful to have waited another year because it allowed me to continue my volunteer efforts at Northeast Methodist Hospital and help serve my community. I volunteered for Habitat for Humanity (HFH) and the San Antonio Food Bank (SAFB) where I had some memorable experiences. Both organizations gave me the opportunity to help the underserved families of the same community I grew up in. I know how hard it is growing up economically disadvantaged and I wanted to help these people anyway I could. While volunteering at HFH I helped build homes for underserved families and at SAFB I helped to feed them. It was an amazing and humbling experience to see and get to know the families I was helping and notice the impact I was making on their lives. Volunteering with these organizations enhanced the fact that I want to do the same thing for people, especially the underserved and vulnerable, however with medicine in its place and as a PA instead of a volunteer.

 

We are all by-products of our life experiences. My particular experiences have geared me towards the profession of a PA. I know the qualities it takes to be a PA: Leadership, intelligence, integrity, interpersonal skills, discipline, devotion, confidence, and passion. I found the profession that embodies my character so well and one that I crave to pursue. The profession of a PA would give me the opportunity to play an effective role in healthcare, to always be intellectually challenged, to become a life-long learner, to educate and mentor people, to aid the underserved and vulnerable, and allow me to continue evolving my skills and fueling my passion so I can provide the best medical care possible.

[phil87lip]

I have 83 views, but nobody has made a comment yet.. I know people are busy, but a simple "that's great" or something would be nice to hear.

I wasn't accepted into PA school last time around, so I am really trying to buff up my application and make it better.

Any comments will be greatly appreciated. 

[G. Davenport]

Second to last paragraph nails it for me. The rest is just hype that everyone writes about. Expand on second to last paragraph on how being a PA will impact your service heart. I want a PA that makes a difference.

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[phil87lip]

Second to last paragraph nails it for me. The rest is just hype that everyone writes about. Expand on second to last paragraph on how being a PA will impact your service heart. I want a PA that makes a difference. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Thank you very much for the advice! I am almost to my 5,000 character limit, so I can't really add more unless I take out. If I were to take out, which above paragraphs could I condense with another paragraph to expand more on my second to last paragraph?

Thanks again for commenting!

[JamBra0]

Good job overall.  I think the last paragraph put a nice "bow" on your PS statement.

[patachok]

First of all, I think your essay is too long, way too long. If the limit is 5000 characters, does not mean you have to push it. Second of all, beginning like i wanted to help people or was interested in medicine since I could barely walk...is boring. I barely pushed myself to read further. Next, take all this information about medical school out of here. You can mention about your dad being a doctor, but I see no reason to devote much space to it. May be start your essay with how you got introduced to the field of PA and skip rest of the beginning. I have interviewed ppl before, and we literally had a few minutes to glance over an essay and grade it. Make it stand out, for now it does not!

Good luck

[JSH]

I was going to say the same thing as above. I'd cut out the first two paragraphs. I understand the importance of them for you, but your PS would be more powerful and meaningful if you could begin with the experience with your mom/the PA, and expand on the rest from there. Tell what you liked about a PA you shadowed or a specific story about your volunteer work in the past year. The last paragraph is pretty good as is.

[phil87lip]

This is an updated version of my essay. Please let me know your thoughts. 

 

Thanks!

 

I remember the first time I met a physician assistant. My mother was having problems breathing, so my family and I took her to the emergency room (ER). While I visited my mother, a PA who had been taking care of her walked in. I had heard of PAs before in school, but I never sought out more information into their profession. The PA was very nice and knowledgeable about what had happened to my mother, but what really impacted me was that throughout the time I spent with her in the ER, I had never once seen the doctor. Ultimately my mother was admitted to the hospital and I went home for the night. I couldn’t sleep when I got home, so I decided to research the profession of a PA and I was astonished by what I read. It seemed that I may have finally found a niche in the medical field to pursue.

 

After researching the profession meticulously, I decided that I wanted to become a PA. By being a PA, I could help people through medicine which I have always had the passion for, spend more time with the people I want to help, and spend more time with my family. Although I already had my bachelor’s degree, it took me an extra year to get all my prerequisite courses finished before I could apply to PA school. During that year I also worked full-time, volunteered, studied for my GRE, and shadowed a PA. Needless to say it was a busy year, but I prevailed and was ready to apply to PA school. I knew PA school was challenging to get accepted into, but I didn’t know how challenging until I didn’t get accepted my first time. It was disheartening, but not being accepted my first time further emphasized to me that this is the profession I desire to pursue and that I will not give up.

 

I thought this year was going to last what seemed like forever before the next application cycle, but I was surprised on how quickly time passed. I kept myself busy this year to ensure that my application would mature and make me more competitive. I continued to work full-time at the University Hospital and volunteer at the Northeast Methodist Hospital (NMH), but I knew that I would have to stand out further this time. Therefore, I built up my arsenal through shadowing more PAs in other healthcare settings and doing community service with other organizations. I especially relished the time I had while shadowing a PA in family practice. As I shadowed him, I noticed how connected he was with his patients and how much they trusted him. He truly cared for his patients and knew everything about them from their medical history to what they were doing in their daily lives. Seeing that relationship between PA and patient has even more so motivated and inspired me to give everything I have to get into a PA program.  

 

Volunteering for other organization as well as NMH has also increased my motivation. This year I began volunteering for Habitat for Humanity San Antonio (HFHSA) and the San Antonio Food Bank (SAFB) where I had very memorable experiences. Both organizations gave me the opportunity to aid the underserved families of my community. I knew how hard it was growing up economically disadvantaged and I wanted to help these families anyway I could. While volunteering at HFHSA I helped build homes for underserved families and at SAFB I helped to feed similar families. It was an amazing and humbling experience to see and get to know the families I was helping and notice how grateful they were for our service. Volunteering with these organizations enhanced the fact that I want to do the same thing for people, especially the underserved and vulnerable, however with medicine in its place and as a PA instead of a volunteer.

 

We are all by-products of our life experiences. My particular experiences have geared me towards the profession of a PA. I know the qualities it takes to be a PA: Leadership, intelligence, integrity, interpersonal skills, discipline, devotion, confidence, and passion. I found the profession that embodies my character so well and one that I crave to pursue. The profession of a PA would give me the opportunity to play an effective role in healthcare, to always be intellectually challenged, to become a life-long learner, to educate and mentor people, to aid the underserved and vulnerable, and allow me to continue evolving my skills and fueling my passion so I can provide the best medical care possible.

[DiggySRNA]

Start with this paragraph:

 

 

Volunteering for other organization as well as NMH has also increased my motivation. This year I began volunteering for Habitat for Humanity San Antonio (HFHSA) and the San Antonio Food Bank (SAFB) where I had very memorable experiences. Both organizations gave me the opportunity to aid the underserved families of my community. I knew how hard it was growing up economically disadvantaged and I wanted to help these families anyway I could. While volunteering at HFHSA I helped build homes for underserved families and at SAFB I helped to feed similar families. It was an amazing and humbling experience to see and get to know the families I was helping and notice how grateful they were for our service. Volunteering with these organizations enhanced the fact that I want to do the same thing for people, especially the underserved and vulnerable, however with medicine in its place and as a PA instead of a volunteer.

Make this paragraph your introduction. Tie in how volunteering for Habitat for Humanity allowed you to serve others and you enjoyed it - and this ultimately led you to the PA profession. INCLUDE A NICE STORY and rid of overused and abused bland phrases like "I always wanted to help people". Spice it up by using colorful rich language and vary your sentence structure :D.

 

Overall, you have a nice essay. There is always room for improvements though. Try to replace the story about your mother with something YOU have done. 

 

Show don't tell...for example:

"This year I began volunteering for Habitat for Humanity San Antonio (HFHSA) and the San Antonio Food Bank (SAFB) where I had very memorable experiences."

 

Try this:

"While a volunteer at [choose one], I remember a man/woman/child....we did this activity together...we talked about...I enjoyed this because...and this allowed me to..." 

 

Be specific, colorful, and not bland. 

 

My last tip: read the other posted personal statements and see how the writer could improve what they are saying. This will allow you to better critique your own work which will graduate your current PS to the next level.

[AdmissionsCoach]

I think your intro is good because it paints a picture of your background and hardships you have faced.  I would try to start it with a more catchy sentence.  I think there is too much emphasis on how you were premed.  I would either eliminate it or just allude to it briefly and move on.  Also, I would focus more on your interest in the PA profession and your passion for the field as opposed to listing the practical reasons why PA is better.  In other words don't get into the business about how it would give you more time with your family and let you finish your schooling faster.  Instead focus more on the unique relationships you could build with patients, the time you would spend with them, etc.  I would also include some of the clinical experiences you have had, especially any that involved working with a PA, and describe how these experiences helped you confirm that the PA profession is your passion.  

[Topsy]

"a PA who had been taking care of her walked in." don't end with a preposition. Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but "back in my day" you didn't do stuff like that.

"I could help people through medicine which I have always had the passion for, spend more time with the people I want to help, and spend more time with my family." I would change this so it's a little more impactful: I could help people through medicine which I have always had the passion for, instead of watching them being ignored by a team of healthcare workers. I could spend more time with the people I want to help, instead of being bogged down by paperwork. I could spend more time with my family, instead of being on-call 24-7 like a doctor....blahdy blahdy blah. something like that would tie it into why PA and not medical school/NP/etc.

"Needless to say it was a busy year," the phrase "needless to say" is trite. Get rid of it.

"I thought this year was going to last what seemed like forever before the next application cycle, but I was surprised on how quickly time passed." Instead of this sentence, I would opt for something that ties back to the previous paragraph. Maybe something as simple as, "To make myself a more competitive applicant...", or "In order to show my dedication to this dream, I focused on experiences that would build me up as a better applicant and make sure schools knew that I was serious and committed, despite the minor setback of rejection."

"Volunteering for other organization" organizations

PA: Leadership why is this L capitalized? I don't think it needs to be.

Overall, I'd give you the same advice that I gave other reapplicants: if you PS is a copy/paste of your 1st one, take a good hard look and ask yourself why. Call the schools that rejected you and ask why weren't you competitive. If they say it was your lack of volunteer exp, hit hard on that note. If they say it was your patient care exp, get certified as an EMT or something. Overall, I'd assume they are looking for 2 things: a) growth - why you are a stronger applicant the 2nd time around, and b) what you have done differently this time to make sure that you are stronger that before.

But I like the modified version. Good call on starting off with the story of your mother. But my heart goes out to you with your father passing away when you were 11. Heart-wrenching. But good for you for getting through it. And good for you for applying again, despite the rejection the 1st time. I have to say that takes guts and humility, and I think if you touch upon those things you'll be golden (but take my advice with a grain of salt; I will only be a 1st time applicant this year).

[phil87lip]

Thanks for all of the replies! I hope that my complete essay will look good to the admissions boards of the programs I am applying to!

[Jpruette]

 

I am going to be harsh here, but I think you have the START of a good essay, you just need to clean it up… First, you need to be brutal.  If you don't need a word or phrase, get rid of it!  Your essay is cluttered with needless, banal sentences and "fluff".  Also, it seems as if you went through and "fancified" your vocabulary.  It makes it sound unnatural.  If these aren't words you usually use, don't use them here!!!

 

I would experiment with changing around your essay structure.  The most interesting part of your essay is the paragraph about your volunteer work.  My advice would be to lead with that, and then backtrack to say how you got to this point. For example you could say, "I thought I wanted to be a PA, and then I did all this work blah blah blah.  And then at the end of that, say, and this has only reinforced my commitment to becoming a PA."  Then you can go ahead with the other stuff you wrote.  I will be putting my comments in RED so you can take them out as needed. 

 

I remember the first time I met a physician assistant.

 

Well, I would hope so.  This is a throwaway sentence.  Change it to "The first time I met a PA was when My mother was having problems breathing and I was with her in the emergency room (ER)  "  . While I visited my mother, a PA who had been taking care of her walked in. I had heard of PAs before in school, but I never sought out more information into their profession. The PA was very nice and knowledgeable about what had happened to my mother, but what really impacted me was that throughout the time I spent with her in the ER, I had never once seen the doctor. Ultimately my mother was admitted to the hospital and I went home for the night. I couldn’t sleep when I got home, so I decided to research the profession of a PA and I was astonished by what I read. It seemed that I may have finally found a niche in the medical field to pursue. Ok, what I hear you saying here is that because the PA was "nice", and you didn't get to see the doctor, you decided to change your whole life plan?  I'm SURE you don't mean to say that.  How about saying what it was that impacted you about the interaction, or what about the PA made you think it was a cool job? 

 

After researching the profession meticulously, How do you research "meticulously?"  That makes no sense.  You probably did a google search or two, maybe talked to a few people, read a Newsweek report, etc.  Thats not meticulous research.  So, this is one of those "fluff" words I was talking about.  Its not necessary and it sounds unnatural and makes me stop reading and think to myself: REALLY? meticulous? Try writing "After my positive interaction with the PA at the hospital, I started looking into the PA profession." Then skip this next sentence " I decided that I wanted to become a PA. "(obviously you want to be a PA otherwise why would you be wasting your time wiring a CASPA essay???) Start here with "As a PA…" I could help people through medicine which I have always had the passion for, spend more time with the people I want to help, and spend more time with my family. The beginning of this sentence is very convoluted and doesn't say much either - exactly how are you going to help people through medicine?  You may say "As a PA I could enjoy helping people by easing their medical troubles, while still having time to spend with my family and volunteer work.   Although I already had my bachelor’s degree,  it took me an extra year to get all my prerequisite courses finished before I could apply to PA school. During that year I also worked full-time, volunteered, studied for my GRE, and shadowed a PA. Needless to say it was a busy year, but I prevailed and was ready to apply to PA school.  I knew PA school was challenging to get accepted into, but I didn’t know how challenging until I didn’t get accepted my first time. It was disheartening, but not being accepted my first time further emphasized to me that this is the profession I desire to pursue and that I will not give up. My advice is to totally skip this whole part.  We all had to go back to school, work and volunteer. Use this space to further tell us about how great and special you are - something along the lines of " I spent a year completing my post-baccalaureate PA prerequisites, and was able to make time to volunteer at …… doing ….. I loved this work because ….."  Explain what makes you special - completing a year of pre-reqs only makes you the same as the other 1,000 people applying to your school.  

 

I thought this year was going to last what seemed like forever before the next application cycle, but I was surprised on how quickly time passed. I kept myself busy this year to ensure that my application would mature and make me more competitive. Take out all of the stuff before here.  I continued to work full-time at the University Hospital and volunteer at the Northeast Methodist Hospital (NMH) as well as shadowed a PA to get more experience and truly understand what being a PA was like.  , but I knew that I would have to stand out further this time. Therefore, I built up my arsenal through shadowing more PAs in other healthcare settings and doing community service with other organizations. I especially relished the time I had while shadowing a PA in family practice. As I shadowed him, I noticed how connected he was with his patients and how much they trusted him. He truly cared for his patients and knew everything about them from their medical history to what they were doing in their daily lives. Seeing that relationship between PA and patient has even more so motivated and inspired me to give everything I have to get into a PA program.  This sounds very pre-meditated.  i.e. I beefed up my hours because I want to get in.  I would think the admissions committee would be more impressed if they thought you did the extra volunteer stuff because you wanted to give back to the community or really cared about this.  Say you shadowed the FP PA because you really wanted to learn as much as you could about being a PA.  I liked what you said about him being connected to his patients, etc. 

 

Volunteering for other organization as well as NMH has also increased my motivation. This year I began volunteering for Habitat for Humanity San Antonio (HFHSA) and the San Antonio Food Bank (SAFB) where I had very memorable experiences. Both organizations gave me the opportunity to aid the underserved families of my community. I knew how hard it was growing up economically disadvantaged and I wanted to help these families anyway I could. While volunteering at HFHSA I helped build homes for underserved families and at SAFB I helped to feed similar families. It was an amazing and humbling experience to see and get to know the families I was helping and notice how grateful they were for our service. Volunteering with these organizations enhanced (reinforced) the fact that I want to do the same thing for people, especially the underserved and vulnerable, however with medicine in its place and as a PA instead of a volunteer.Take out the last part of this sentence.  Its kind of restating the obvious,   This is your most compelling paragraph.  Beef this up.  Pick one experience that impacted you - why was it important to you, how did it change you? You may want to lead off with this part.    

 

We are all by-products of our life experiences. My particular experiences have geared me Is this even a verb? Take out particular, take out geared.  The sentence reads cleaner as "my experiences have led me to the PA profession"   towards the profession of a PA. I know the qualities it takes to be a PA: Leadership, intelligence, integrity, interpersonal skills, discipline, devotion, confidence, and passion. Too many things!  Pick the three you find most important and committ to them. I found the profession that embodies my character so well and one that I crave to pursue. Really? Craving like a hot fudge sundae?  That's what I think of when somebody writes this - its overused and I don't know that anyone really craves a profession.  How about "I have found the profession where I would thrive and excel" The profession of a PA Too many times with profession.  Try "Being a PA would give me…. etc. would give me the opportunity to play an effective role in healthcare, to always (Take out always, its un-necessary) be intellectually challenged, to become a life-long learner, to educate and mentor people, to aid the underserved and vulnerable, and allow me to continue evolving my skills and fueling my passion so I can provide the best medical care possible. This is also a long list.  Either split it up into two sentences, or get rid of a few of these things. You could try splitting it into good-for-me sentence and a good-for-my-patients sentence, for example.  "Being a PA would give me the opportunity to play an effective role in healthcare, to continue to aid the underserved and vulnerable, and to educate and mentor people.  It would also allow me to continue evolving my skills  and be intellectually challenged as a life-long learner so I can provide the best medical care possible. 

 

​Good luck - clean it up , keep it simple, show why you are great!  

• Like This

• Quote
• MultiQuote
   
•  

[phil87lip]

 

 

I am going to be harsh here, but I think you have the START of a good essay, you just need to clean it up… First, you need to be brutal.  If you don't need a word or phrase, get rid of it!  Your essay is cluttered with needless, banal sentences and "fluff".  Also, it seems as if you went through and "fancified" your vocabulary.  It makes it sound unnatural.  If these aren't words you usually use, don't use them here!!!

 

I would experiment with changing around your essay structure.  The most interesting part of your essay is the paragraph about your volunteer work.  My advice would be to lead with that, and then backtrack to say how you got to this point. For example you could say, "I thought I wanted to be a PA, and then I did all this work blah blah blah.  And then at the end of that, say, and this has only reinforced my commitment to becoming a PA."  Then you can go ahead with the other stuff you wrote.  I will be putting my comments in RED so you can take them out as needed. 

 

I remember the first time I met a physician assistant.

 

Well, I would hope so.  This is a throwaway sentence.  Change it to "The first time I met a PA was when My mother was having problems breathing and I was with her in the emergency room (ER)  "  . While I visited my mother, a PA who had been taking care of her walked in. I had heard of PAs before in school, but I never sought out more information into their profession. The PA was very nice and knowledgeable about what had happened to my mother, but what really impacted me was that throughout the time I spent with her in the ER, I had never once seen the doctor. Ultimately my mother was admitted to the hospital and I went home for the night. I couldn’t sleep when I got home, so I decided to research the profession of a PA and I was astonished by what I read. It seemed that I may have finally found a niche in the medical field to pursue. Ok, what I hear you saying here is that because the PA was "nice", and you didn't get to see the doctor, you decided to change your whole life plan?  I'm SURE you don't mean to say that.  How about saying what it was that impacted you about the interaction, or what about the PA made you think it was a cool job? 

 

After researching the profession meticulously, How do you research "meticulously?"  That makes no sense.  You probably did a google search or two, maybe talked to a few people, read a Newsweek report, etc.  Thats not meticulous research.  So, this is one of those "fluff" words I was talking about.  Its not necessary and it sounds unnatural and makes me stop reading and think to myself: REALLY? meticulous? Try writing "After my positive interaction with the PA at the hospital, I started looking into the PA profession." Then skip this next sentence " I decided that I wanted to become a PA. "(obviously you want to be a PA otherwise why would you be wasting your time wiring a CASPA essay???) Start here with "As a PA…" I could help people through medicine which I have always had the passion for, spend more time with the people I want to help, and spend more time with my family. The beginning of this sentence is very convoluted and doesn't say much either - exactly how are you going to help people through medicine?  You may say "As a PA I could enjoy helping people by easing their medical troubles, while still having time to spend with my family and volunteer work.   Although I already had my bachelor’s degree,  it took me an extra year to get all my prerequisite courses finished before I could apply to PA school. During that year I also worked full-time, volunteered, studied for my GRE, and shadowed a PA. Needless to say it was a busy year, but I prevailed and was ready to apply to PA school.  I knew PA school was challenging to get accepted into, but I didn’t know how challenging until I didn’t get accepted my first time. It was disheartening, but not being accepted my first time further emphasized to me that this is the profession I desire to pursue and that I will not give up. My advice is to totally skip this whole part.  We all had to go back to school, work and volunteer. Use this space to further tell us about how great and special you are - something along the lines of " I spent a year completing my post-baccalaureate PA prerequisites, and was able to make time to volunteer at …… doing ….. I loved this work because ….."  Explain what makes you special - completing a year of pre-reqs only makes you the same as the other 1,000 people applying to your school.  

 

I thought this year was going to last what seemed like forever before the next application cycle, but I was surprised on how quickly time passed. I kept myself busy this year to ensure that my application would mature and make me more competitive. Take out all of the stuff before here.  I continued to work full-time at the University Hospital and volunteer at the Northeast Methodist Hospital (NMH) as well as shadowed a PA to get more experience and truly understand what being a PA was like.  , but I knew that I would have to stand out further this time. Therefore, I built up my arsenal through shadowing more PAs in other healthcare settings and doing community service with other organizations. I especially relished the time I had while shadowing a PA in family practice. As I shadowed him, I noticed how connected he was with his patients and how much they trusted him. He truly cared for his patients and knew everything about them from their medical history to what they were doing in their daily lives. Seeing that relationship between PA and patient has even more so motivated and inspired me to give everything I have to get into a PA program.  This sounds very pre-meditated.  i.e. I beefed up my hours because I want to get in.  I would think the admissions committee would be more impressed if they thought you did the extra volunteer stuff because you wanted to give back to the community or really cared about this.  Say you shadowed the FP PA because you really wanted to learn as much as you could about being a PA.  I liked what you said about him being connected to his patients, etc. 

 

Volunteering for other organization as well as NMH has also increased my motivation. This year I began volunteering for Habitat for Humanity San Antonio (HFHSA) and the San Antonio Food Bank (SAFB) where I had very memorable experiences. Both organizations gave me the opportunity to aid the underserved families of my community. I knew how hard it was growing up economically disadvantaged and I wanted to help these families anyway I could. While volunteering at HFHSA I helped build homes for underserved families and at SAFB I helped to feed similar families. It was an amazing and humbling experience to see and get to know the families I was helping and notice how grateful they were for our service. Volunteering with these organizations enhanced (reinforced) the fact that I want to do the same thing for people, especially the underserved and vulnerable, however with medicine in its place and as a PA instead of a volunteer.Take out the last part of this sentence.  Its kind of restating the obvious,   This is your most compelling paragraph.  Beef this up.  Pick one experience that impacted you - why was it important to you, how did it change you? You may want to lead off with this part.    

 

We are all by-products of our life experiences. My particular experiences have geared me Is this even a verb? Take out particular, take out geared.  The sentence reads cleaner as "my experiences have led me to the PA profession"   towards the profession of a PA. I know the qualities it takes to be a PA: Leadership, intelligence, integrity, interpersonal skills, discipline, devotion, confidence, and passion. Too many things!  Pick the three you find most important and committ to them. I found the profession that embodies my character so well and one that I crave to pursue. Really? Craving like a hot fudge sundae?  That's what I think of when somebody writes this - its overused and I don't know that anyone really craves a profession.  How about "I have found the profession where I would thrive and excel" The profession of a PA Too many times with profession.  Try "Being a PA would give me…. etc. would give me the opportunity to play an effective role in healthcare, to always (Take out always, its un-necessary) be intellectually challenged, to become a life-long learner, to educate and mentor people, to aid the underserved and vulnerable, and allow me to continue evolving my skills and fueling my passion so I can provide the best medical care possible. This is also a long list.  Either split it up into two sentences, or get rid of a few of these things. You could try splitting it into good-for-me sentence and a good-for-my-patients sentence, for example.  "Being a PA would give me the opportunity to play an effective role in healthcare, to continue to aid the underserved and vulnerable, and to educate and mentor people.  It would also allow me to continue evolving my skills  and be intellectually challenged as a life-long learner so I can provide the best medical care possible. 

 

​Good luck - clean it up , keep it simple, show why you are great!  

• Like This

• Quote
• MultiQuote
   
•  

 

Should I keep this somewhere?  I knew PA school was challenging to get accepted into, but I didn’t know how challenging until I didn’t get accepted my first time. It was disheartening, but not being accepted my first time further emphasized to me that this is the profession I desire to pursue and that I will not give up. 

 

Also, would it be okay if I messaged you with my rewritten essay and you could make sure it looks okay?