chjohns22 Posted February 11, 2014 Share Posted February 11, 2014 Please review, this is my first draft, I am slightly over on character count and will try to start trimming. Any feedback, advice, critiques are welcome. This is just a FIRST draft. The conclusion is my concern, I don't want to end on a bad note, but it is something that should be addressed, right? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chjohns22 Posted February 12, 2014 Author Share Posted February 12, 2014 Any takers? I could use some input! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AZ-Buckeye Posted February 12, 2014 Share Posted February 12, 2014 Vaguely written. I did no understand why you want to pursue a career as a PA. First paragraph has no "bang", to keep reading. It presents as listing a bunch of facts and less of a story.The last paragraph felt like a list of excuses, as real as it maybe, still a list of excuses. I felt like there was a negative tone to the paper. I would look at other examples that others wrote. I bought books on how to write a personal narrative and had many, many drafts until the final draft was finished. I am not a good writer and had a lot of help when writing mine, but have read many good essays. I think there is a strong base of information to work with in terms of your experience it just needs to be beefed up and more fluid. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chjohns22 Posted February 12, 2014 Author Share Posted February 12, 2014 Thanks for the feedback! I agree with what you have said. Round two is in the works. I'm taking out the intro, conclusion, and condensing the second paragraph so I have more room to describe why I want to be a PA. Thanks for the input, back to writing... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AZ-Buckeye Posted February 12, 2014 Share Posted February 12, 2014 Glad it was helpful. I used a professional writer after a dozen drafts and an engllish teacher previewed it for me. Then more drafts from the Pro. I read it and re-wrote it so many times that I could not objectively look at it anymore. But the time paid off. My advice, keep it limited to only a few people who review it and read good ones for structure and content. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wannabePA-S Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 Overall, I think this is a weak PS. I felt like this personal statement was really...impersonal, kind of like listing "I did this" "I saw this." etc. The conclusion HAS to be changed. Bad idea to list all your negative qualities about how you cannot manage your time in the last paragraph. In fact, I'd leave this out altogether. You are probably going to be busier in PA school than you are now attempting to manage one job and one class. Also, this may just be a personal thing or maybe I'm just confused but are you an ER tech or an ER nurse. There is a big difference between the two and the responsibilities. I'd either elaborate if you are both or stick to tech and don't confuse your title in the paper because it leaves the reader confused. I like the third paragraph but it sounds like you are the one creating the treatment plan, not the PA... this doesn't seem right and there is something awkward about it. Do you have authority or license to determine a treatment plan for a patient that you are transporting? You also sound like you are ordering dopamine drips and interpreting radiology studies... which I doubt as a tech you have the ability to do that. I know I don't. also, "My time spent working in the Emergency Room (ER) as and ER technician helped me hone some of the technical skills that would be required of " I obnoxiously bolded and italicized the mistake so you don't miss it.. definitely an easy thing to glance over once you've read it 1000 times! :) "The team was called to pick up a child with free air in the abdomen, on our arrival, the PA met us immediately, gave us a thorough report quickly, and advised the team that the patient was starting to deteriorate." Also, this sentence needs to be tamed. You need major grammar revision throughout your entire paper. I understand it's your first draft but maybe you should try to read it out loud. Or get a professor to read through. It sounds like you have really great and unique experiences to build off! Don't list your job description. That's not the purpose of the PS. Describe and explain how your experiences have led you to the PA profession. Good luck and I look forward to seeing your revised PS. I have a feeling it will be much different! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chjohns22 Posted February 13, 2014 Author Share Posted February 13, 2014 wannabe, thank you for your reply. ALL help is appreciated. I've axed the conclusion and decided not to mention my grades, I'll address this in the interview if it's asked. I am eliminating much of the second paragraph as well. I didn't mean for it to sound like a job description, I was aiming to mention qualities that are found in PA's that I have a strong foundation for. For what it's worth, I was an ERT and am now a nurse. They do train us to interpret common radiologic studies and make treatments plans, but agree this should not be the highlight of the paragraph. I will tame this down and make it more collaborative. I really appreciate your comments and look forward to posting a 2nd draft, hopefully tomorrow sometime. Thanks again! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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