Personal Statement: Please Critique

[sarahk21]

If anyone could help me and critique my statement I would greatly appreciate it! Thank you!

 

As I opened my eyes and looked across the court, all I could see was shock on my teammates’ faces. I quickly realized everyone was looking at me. I immediately let out a cry as I looked down at my deformed leg and felt the rush of immense pain. A simple lay-up at basketball camp turned into a tibia and fibula fracture, followed by compartment syndrome, a fasciotomy, and almost a year of physical therapy. My competitive personality pushed me to be the best and it also pushed me past my physical limitations. Looking back, I should have listened to the pain in my leg and stopped running. It is a mistake I cannot take back but it has led me to where I am today. 

             While working to get my life back, I hit another major health obstacle. My injuries triggered reflex neurovascular dystrophy and more therapy. A month of my senior year in high school was spent at the Children’s Institute of Pittsburgh overcoming the painful physical effects of this disease. During my in-patient treatment, doctors and therapists guided me through hours of daily therapy. I was surrounded by many other patients, most of who were young children. One child in particular still clings to my memories. I was walking back from a treatment session when I heard a young child crying. I walked past the room and saw a young boy, no older than three, with splints on both of his legs. He was gripping the side of the crib and crying for his mom. Sadly there were many young patients suffering in the same way.  I watched and experienced the way the therapists and doctors compassionately treated each patient. It was during my stay that I decided what I wanted to do with my life. Working in the medical field and helping others was my new life goal.  I starting researching the different medical professions and realized a physician assistant (PA) is the perfect fit for me. It would give me the perfect amount of medical responsibility I am looking for as well as the flexibility to experience different specialties.

            As part of my degree, I completed an internship at a free clinic where I worked as a nursing assistant. While interning, I was able to work alongside physician assistants and observe the quality of care and time they spent with each patient. Everyone at the clinic worked as a team to give the patients the best possible care and although I only played a small part, I still felt I was making a difference. This experience reinforced my desire to have greater medical responsibilities. To gain additional medical experience and be a stronger applicant I completed an EMT class and started volunteering. I find great satisfaction in providing care and reassurance to someone in a fragile state. I always have to be prepared as each call brings different obstacles with each new patient. Each call increases my critical thinking skills and confidence interacting with each patient. While I enjoy working as an EMT, I only have a limited scope of practice and a limited amount of time with each patient. I want more medical responsibility and to be able to assess, diagnose and treat patients with a greater knowledge base, greater scope of practice and longer patient contact. A career as a PA will give me this opportunity.

            What started as adversity developed into the experiences I needed to show me my path in life. Each obstacle I have faced has provided me with a chance to learn and grow. I am still a competitive person but have learned how to use it properly. Conquering a painful disease has given me an appreciation for medicine and its ability to change a person’s life. A career as a PA will give me the chance to use medicine to help others as I was helped.

[mashlee]

Hi there, first off i'm no expert on narratives, however I did get 5 interview offers and accepted into the first school I interviewed at. My narrative I feel helped me out because my GPA sure as heck did not! I liked the imagry and the story with a purpose in your narrative. my first critique would be remove the *(PA) from "physician assistant (PA)." You did good by spelling the whole word out, and after that point you can just say PA. Again I like your story and how your expereince in the hospital lead you to like the PA career, However I think it should be condensed. A story is a good attention getter, but shouldn't take up so much of your essay. 

"I starting (should be started) researching the different medical professions and realized a physician assistant (PA) is the perfect fit for me. It would give me the perfect amount of medical responsibility(be more specific maybe) I am looking for as well as the flexibility to experience different specialties." I like what you said about specialties, but I would add more specifics, for example: you like that PAs have more patient interaction than many physicians or you like how PAs can diagnose and treat in a way nurses cannot. 

* my last critique would be to not just talk about how your experiences made you want to be a PA, but how your experiences have given you traits that will make you a great PA! You kind of want to talk yourself up. You did this when you talked about your EMT experience: "Each call increases my critical thinking skills and confidence interacting with each patient."- this is good. just add more like it. And talk about some more of your positive character traits.

 

Overall its looking good. You will probably want to take it to a past English teacher or any English teacher or writer you know. My school has a writing center I went to and It really helped! Just keep at it until you feel it is perfect! Good luck

[sarahk21]

Thank you so much for your feedback. I really appreciate it and am adding more of what will make me a great PA.