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Would greatly appreciate feedback on my narrative. Please :)

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Trying this one more time. Even if just one person could reply I would be ever so grateful. I posted mine a few days ago and didn't get any feedback. I was able to get a couple of my English major friends feedback...but I'm dying to know what those on the forum think, since you are either already in the field or working towards becoming a PA. I'm really nervous about submitting because I know how important the narrative is...some guidance/feedback would help me feel more at ease about submitting !


Here it is...


"The only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work, and the only way to do great work is to love what you do." I could not agree more with this quote by Steve Jobs. With the life experience I have gained thus far, I have found that those happiest simply have found their passion in life. With this in mind, I look forward to the day I fulfill my dream of becoming a Physician Assistant. With the risk of sounding cliché, I can genuinely and confidently say nothing makes me happier in life than helping others. More importantly, making a difference as a PA would grant me the experience that I know I have the potential to fulfill, changing not only my life, but the lives of patients.

Every night in the mountains of Luperón, I would gaze up at the stars, reminiscing on the day's activities, feeling so blessed and inspired. Walking through the villages and helping their people remarkably changed my life. The trainings we had for the village Healers on our mission trip, left the biggest imprint on me. It was truly inspiring knowing that these women were already so knowledgeable, without them even realizing it.. I admire their ability to do what they can with the little resources they have to help their people. They exemplify the dedication necessary to work in healthcare - the dedication that I strive for. It was captivating watching the PA students, examine and diagnose patients on the trip. Students fresh out of their didactic year, with such high levels of knowledge- it was truly astounding. I had no doubts before this trip that becoming a PA was my path, and this trip only solidified my certainty.

Briskly walking down the halls of the Oncology floor with nothing but my piercing curiosity, I came across Ed. Ed was well known for his upbeat personality on our floor, but to our dismay he was reaching his final stage of bone cancer. Unresponsive and with breaths seeming to bubble like that of a child obnoxiously sipping their last bits of juice from a straw. With mixed feelings of excitement and utter terror, I helped the charge nurse stabilize Ed. A couple thrust to the chest and we were able to get him to the ICU in time. Seeing the look of relief on the face of Ed's wife- that is my motivation towards becoming a PA. The patients are my inspiration, they're the ones that make it all worth it. Being the glimpse of hope they need and doing whatever it takes to help those in a vulnerable state such as Ed's is what I live for.

A motivational piece in my puzzle for success, has been my mother. Through the ups and downs in life, she has always been my rock. Being the first in my family to achieve a Bachelor's degree was no small feat for me. Lack of guidance and my parents separating freshman year of college made it all the more grueling. To make matters even worse, my dad left the country and alienated our family. We then, as a family, had to worry about supporting ourselves financially without a father figure. It was one of the most difficult times of my life. Dealing with the heartbreak and newfound financial struggles made concentrating on school a daunting task. I admire my mother tremendously for getting our family through that rut. She did whatever it took to ensure that we did not lose our home. I can relate to her undying perseverance, as equivalent to mine in pursuing PA. Fortunately, by overcoming these difficulties I became much stronger, mature, and independent. My last five semesters of undergrad portray my true academic potential. I know that with my GPA, the odds are against me, but I will do whatever it takes to reach my aspirations, and a number won't deter the chase for my heart's desire.

I have been fortunate enough to gain experience in different healthcare settings and different specialties. I have had the opportunity to meet and pick the brains of a multiple doctors and PA's. I have seen the good, the bad, and the ugly in healthcare. Nevertheless, I have met doctors whom have the same values and morals as I do. After coming across some rotten eggs, I have found doctors who inspire me everyday. These Urologists have the dedication, compassion, and humility necessary to provide the utmost care to patients. The first instance of when I realized the noble character of these doctors was when a prostate cancer patient lost his insurance. It took us weeks and countless hours to get grant approval for his medication. In the midst of losing hope, the doctor said, "Money isn't everything", and was willing to pay for the patient's medication himself. I was left in sheer awe, and from that moment on, I knew I was in the right place. Their positive attitude, patience, and devotion hold the standard for the healthcare provider I aspire to be. Their positive influence and exceptional training integrated with my determination to grasp all the knowledge they share, leave me feeling more prepared than ever to begin the next step in becoming a Physician Assistant.

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I would take anything negative out, like the word obnoxious about the straw and the rotten eggs. I would also switch things around, and lead with one of your stories and add a bit more detail. I was interested in reading about Luperon (no idea where it is) but there was not enough info about why you were there and what, exactly, you were doing.


I would also not mention that the odds are against you with your GPA, let someone else decide that.


Try to have everything you say mean something (not just a pile of words) and don't mention that you are using a cliche-better yet, don't say that at all. If you read Andrew Rodican's book, he says to never say you want to help people. Doesn't everyone?


Did you work with any PAs who inspired you?


And poor Ed!


I would focus on the positive.


My opinion only.

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Great stories, but reading it I feel like I'm jumping around. I'm in a village in one moment, doing CPR in the next, and then for some reason I'm talking about grades and some doctors. It lacks something to tie it together. Maybe a stronger intro or tying each paragraph together would contribute to improving the flow.


Also, I agree with the above, remove the cliches, the negatives, and don't sell yourself short.


However, I don't think you need to remove the straw part, it paints a scene. Don't stop there, though, paint the whole scene. Right now you go from basically happily walking down the hall to doing CPR in a split second and I don't know why. Tell us what drew you into the room. Did you discover his respiratory distress, did the charge nurse call you in, did you hear the alarms and offer to help? Also, don't downplay your compressions, we all know it took more than a "couple of thrusts" to get him to the ICU. We know it was a crazy, nerve racking, amazing experience, don't be afraid to show it.


You are well on your way to an awesome essay, it just needs to be tightened up. Good luck. 

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Thank you both so much for the feedback..I changed it quite a bit to help with the transitioning of the paragraphs. As you can tell essay writing isn't my forte. I really wanted to put more details trust me, but the character count is killing me 5000 isn't enough to talk about something I love so much ! And I feel like each aspect has had such a major influence on me that I don't want to leave anything out or delete a scenario/paragraph. 


Thank you again, I really appreciate you taking the time to read it and comment :)

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