First Draft - Tear it apart please!

I've always had an instatiable curiousity towards science and health as long as I can remember. This proved to have overwhelming influence towards my life goals as I embarked into college. I knew I always wanted to be apart of something bigger than myself, to be able to make a difference. I've always had the belief that I wanted to somehow be apart of medicine, but was not exactly sure of what, or how. While trying to personally answer the proverbial "what do you want to do with your life", I enlisted into the United States Military to help gain insight into the answer to this question.

Almost immediatly I was thrust into a Leadership role. During technical school I was voted class leader mainly due to my inherent mentality and skills as a leader. In my training, I was exposed to first aid and emergy medicine classes that turned my curiousity and interests of medicine into a passion. I left the military with a focus and desire neverbefore experienced. I knew exactly what career path I was going to ensue.

With this newfound direction, I continued on the necessary steps to become a important member in the health field community. While attending Western Michigan University, I paralleld my classes with those that would best prepare me for position as a Physician Assistant. As an undergraduate, I gained experienced in a clinical setting as a Medical Assistant in a physician's office. Here, I worked side by side to a practicing physician that shared her years of medical knowledge which greatly helped me along the way. I learned a vast range of new medical terminology, procedures and treatments. This included anything from taking patient histories to performing wound treatments and radiographs.

While still a undergraduate, and concurrent to the previously mentioned job, I used the skills and experience I had picked up to pursue additonal employment. I obtained employment as a Medical Technician in a long term care facility. Here, I perform a wide variety of new treatments and tasks. Some of my duties include performing neurological checks, taking vitals, dispensing narcotics, evaluating and dictating behaviors, and wound treatments.

On my path to becoming a Physician Assistant I have endured some hardships and minor setbacks. During these times I had to prioritize what was most important to me, and put my career goals on hold. Intermittent and untimely military training requests along with spending time with my ill grandparents have uprooted me from my studies. Nonetheless, I have perservered and continue my persuit of graduate school in Physician Assistant studies.

I have a great perspective on what it means to be a health care provider. I have recieved invaluable professional and life mentoring from Dr. Whitaker Bay, the physician who provided the initial opportunity for myself to break into the world of medicine. I have gained additional guidance from a friend and current Surgical PA, who has supplied detailed insight in what it means to be a Physician Assistant.

I feel that I am exceedingly prepared for the Physician Assistant program. My acquisition of several thousand hours of direct patient care contact, invaluable clinical skills obtained in more than one health care setting, and my degree in Biomedical Science is evident of my enthusiasm and dedication to obtaining my career goal of becoming a Physician Assistant.

I must admit, I skimmed through this only because it doesn't flow very well. There are some grammatical errors that can be fixed easily. Overall, I feel this draft is a bit wordy. It doesn't feel natural to me, although I'm sure it is heartfelt. You use many words unnecessarily. Keep at it; there are some key questions that you do not address here.

I get the same feeling... It is just awkward at moments in terms of wording, as I you are sometimes using words that are a half a step off from being used correctly. It may just be a form of writing you are not used to, but whatever it is, it just doesn't read well. You seem to have some good experience so if I were you I'd write out a couple differen approaches and see which flows best and communicates best who you are. Then choose one and fine tune it from there.

I have a great perspective on what it means to be a health care provider.

Even if this is true, you should remove it. From reading it I can't decide if its telling me you are under-confident or over-confident. It doesn't really matter which because both are bad.

Also the United States Military? Just say the branch. Its distracting to say United States Military and it made me wonder why you didn't write the actually branch?

Almost immediatly I was thrust into a Leadership role. During technical school I was voted class leader mainly due to my inherent mentality and skills as a leader.

You wrote this because you want the reader to see you as a leader, but it just reads as arrogance. I see where you are going with it and its a good point to make, its just horribly worded.

On my path to becoming a Physician Assistant I have endured some hardships and minor setbacks. During these times I had to prioritize what was most important to me, and put my career goals on hold. Intermittent and untimely military training requests along with spending time with my ill grandparents have uprooted me from my studies. Nonetheless, I have perservered and continue my persuit of graduate school in Physician Assistant studies.

Again this needs to be reworded. I see where you want to go with it, but it currently reads "oh poor me and my set backs". You could use these as a positive learning experience instead like: ill grandparents=seeing things from the patient perspective, experience added to your passion and commitment, etc, Military training taught you life lesson, having to stop school and restart shows your determination, know what I mean?

I feel that I am exceedingly prepared for the Physician Assistant program.

You have a lot of great experiences to write about, and actually you have a good first draft. 1) You need to work on flow, and 2) you need to work on walking the fine line of confident, humble, and accountable.

Good luck

Yeah thanks for the responses. I wrote this draft up at 3 am while working, and on word processor without spellcheck. Ill try to reword it. I also need to add about 75 words. What are the "key" questions that need to be answered in the essay?

Thanks

Why would you need to add 75 words?

Yeah thanks for the responses. I wrote this draft up at 3 am while working, and on word processor without spellcheck. Ill try to reword it. I also need to add about 75 words. What are the "key" questions that need to be answered in the essay?

Thanks

No justification necessary; this is your work.

Think of the goal of the statement; what is it meant to do? Yes, overall your goal is to get into PA school, but think of the process incrementally. The goal at this time is to get an interview, that's it. What would the admissions committee need to know about you to want to extend you that invitation? Think about it.

Good luck!

Yeah thanks for the responses. I wrote this draft up at 3 am while working, and on word processor without spellcheck.

I spent about 5 months just thinking about my personal statement. I actually wrote an outline on a paper towel, while fishing, of the direction I wanted my paper to go, and the key points I wanted to make with it. I lost sleep over my first paragraph. I spent another few months writing, re-reading, polishing, changing etc, before I even had my wife preview it. If you want me to "tear it apart", It'd be of much greater benefit to you if you had a paper that was ready to be previewed. Words like "apart" instead of "a part of" or "emergy medicine" and other grammatical inconsistencies really distract from actually dissecting the content of your paper. Its hard for me to really enjoy a pizza when I have to pick off all the onions and mushrooms before I bite into it, you know what I mean?

I also agree with NavyDoc...just say the branch you were in. I took about 30 seconds thinking, did I miss what branch he was in??

As far as questions that need to be answered: Why do you want to be a PA? Simple. Not why you think you'll smoke-check PA school (which tells the Adcom that you think you deserve to be accepted before interviewing), or that a PA told you all the "inside scoops" about the profession, etc.

This is the most important thing you'll ever write at this point in your life. Don't let its foundation be on a hasty 3am typing-session. Soul search it...you'll be glad you did.

Keep on keepin' on.

Ok here is draft. Made the grammar corrections and tried to tone down the cockyness...

Let me know how it sounds.

Thanks

I've always had an insatiable curiosity towards science and health as long as I can remember. This proved to have overwhelming influence towards my life goals throughout high school and college. I knew I always wanted to be a part of something bigger than myself, to be able to make a difference. I've always had the belief that I wanted to somehow be a part of medicine, but was not exactly sure of what, or how. While trying to personally answer the proverbial "what do you want to do with your life? “, I enlisted into the United States Military to help gain insight into the answer to this question.

During Technical School I was voted class leader which endowed me with the responsibility of the entire class. I have never before had a responsibility of this magnitude, especially over another person. I felt that I fit right into this role. As class leader, I had to ensure that the entire class was excelling physically and academically. During this training, a huge emphasis was placed on combat and survival. Here, I was exposed to first aid and emergency medicine training that turned my curiosity and interests of medicine into a passion. During my departure from the military, I left with a focus and desire never before experienced. I knew I wanted to have a role in overseeing patients and providing healthcare.

With this newfound direction, I continued on the necessary steps to achieve my career goal. While attending Western Michigan University, I paralleled my classes with those that would best prepare me for the position as a Physician Assistant. As an undergraduate, I gained experience in a clinical setting as a Medical Assistant in a physician's office. Here, I worked side by side to a practicing physician that shared her years of medical knowledge and experience which greatly helped me along the way. I learned a vast range of new medical terminology, procedures and treatments. This included anything from taking patient histories to performing wound treatments and radiographs.

To further my range of skillsets and experience I obtained additional employment as a Medical Technician in a long term care facility. This position allowed me to be in a leadership and health provider role. My primary duties were to ensure the residents had proper healthcare and well-being. This position also allowed me to gain more experience and pick up new medical skills. A few of the new skills I learned include performing neurological checks, dispensing medications and narcotics, and evaluation and documentation of abnormal behaviors.

On my path to becoming a Physician Assistant I have gained insights and perspectives I never thought I would endure. During these times I had to prioritize what was most important to me, and temporarily put my career goal on hold. In these times away from pursuing my path to becoming a Physician Assistant, I took time off to be with my ailing grandparents. Being with my grandparents gave me a perspective into what it’s like to be a patient. Not everyone experiences a loss in the family the same way; I tried to take the positive from it. My commitment and passion for healthcare was only solidified more from this experience. Again, while serving in the military, I have had to put my studies on hold to fulfill my obligations. My military training has taught me incredible life lessons, including determination. These life lessons have allowed me to push through any obstacles that I have faced.

My experience, skills, and possibly most important, my personality has led me to where I am today. Becoming a Physician Assistant will finally place me into the role I’ve been striving for. Ultimately, I want to be a Physician Assistant so that I can provide a very high level of healthcare to those who need it.

I enlisted into the United States Military to help gain insight into the answer to this question.

Really? Again with this? Its really weird and distracting and makes me wonder WHY you are taking the effort to hide your branch.

During Technical School I was voted class leader which endowed me with the responsibility of the entire class. I have never before had a responsibility of this magnitude, especially over another person. I felt that I fit right into this role. As class leader, I had to ensure that the entire class was excelling physically and academically. During this training, a huge emphasis was placed on combat and survival. Here, I was exposed to first aid and emergency medicine training that turned my curiosity and interests of medicine into a passion. During my departure from the military, I left with a focus and desire never before experienced. I knew I wanted to have a role in overseeing patients and providing healthcare.

Soooo much better. It send the right message this time, good job.

Here, I worked side by side to a practicing physician that shared her years of medical knowledge and experience which greatly helped me along the way.

 

This sentence just reads awkwardly. Its choppy and doesn't flow. I had to read it twice to get your point.

 

To further my range of skillsets and experience I obtained additional employment as a Medical Technician in a long term care facility. This position allowed me to be in a leadership and health provider role. My primary duties were to ensure the residents had proper healthcare and well-being. This position also allowed me to gain more experience and pick up new medical skills. A few of the new skills I learned include performing neurological checks, dispensing medications and narcotics, and evaluation and documentation of abnormal behaviors.

 

I'm not sure all this information about what you learned as Med Tech is serving you very well. I think most of this paragraph would be better used discussing something else. It’s not bad really, it just doesn't seem important or compelling to you as a PA candidate.

 

On my path to becoming a Physician Assistant I have gained insights and perspectives I never thought I would endure. During these times I had to prioritize what was most important to me, and temporarily put my career goal on hold. In these times away from pursuing my path to becoming a Physician Assistant, I took time off to be with my ailing grandparents. Being with my grandparents gave me a perspective into what it’s like to be a patient. Not everyone experiences a loss in the family the same way; I tried to take the positive from it. My commitment and passion for healthcare was only solidified more from this experience. Again, while serving in the military, I have had to put my studies on hold to fulfill my obligations. My military training has taught me incredible life lessons, including determination. These life lessons have allowed me to push through any obstacles that I have faced.

 

Again this is much better.

 

My experience, skills, and possibly most important, my personality has led me to where I am today. Becoming a Physician Assistant will finally place me into the role I’ve been striving for. Ultimately, I want to be a Physician Assistant so that I can provide a very high level of healthcare to those who need it.

 

Yeah… it’s not a bad ending, but it’s JUST an ending. I think you can do better. Otherwise I’m really impressed with the changes you made. It has NO cockiness in it at all. Now it just makes you sounded like someone who is confident and has had many experiences that will serve him in PA school.

So I'm not gonna write anything in for you, just going to take a Just Steve-like-approach and ask some critical questions as I read it. Take them with a grain of salt, as they are just my thoughts and personal opinions, and in NO WAY are they intended to persuade you to change YOUR personal statement. They are there to thought provoke. I do agree that it is less cocky, which is nice.

Ok here is draft. Made the grammar corrections and tried to tone down the cockyness...

Let me know how it sounds.

Thanks

 

I've always had an insatiable curiosity towards science and health as long as I can remember (How? In what way? Where did this 'insatiable curiosity' come from?). This proved to have overwhelming influence towards my life goals throughout high school and college. I knew I always wanted to be a part of something bigger than myself, to be able to make a difference. I've always had the belief that I wanted to somehow be a part of medicine (why?), but was not exactly sure of what, or how. While trying to personally answer the proverbial "what do you want to do with your life? “, I enlisted into the United States Military (What branch for the love of all that is holy. Its okay if you were Air Force, we forgive you :) to help gain insight into the answer to this question. So did you join as a medic/corpsman in a healthcare MOS? If you always knew you wanted to be in medicine, those would be your logical choices right?...if not, then why?

During Technical School I was voted class leader (Why? What set you apart early on?) which endowed me with the responsibility of the entire class. (Seems redundant, as does "I was a manager, which means I managed others")...I have never before had a responsibility of this magnitude, especially over another person. I felt that I fit right into this role. As class leader, I had to ensure that the entire class was excelling physically and academically. During this training, a huge emphasis was placed on combat and survival. Here, I was exposed to first aid and emergency medicine training that turned my curiosity and interests of medicine into a passion. (So all of your medical exposure and leadership only occurred during your tech school?) During my departure from the military, I left with a focus and desire never before experienced. (This sentence reads weird to me...did the focus and desire occur during the flight or drive back home? Or "After my discharge from the military, I had a renewed focus....etc) I knew I wanted to have a role in overseeing patients and providing healthcare. (again, just based on your training at tech school?)

With this newfound direction (the direction you got from the tech school or the military?), I continued on the necessary steps to achieve my career goal (PA, MD, DO, Nurse? You could almost eliminate this sentence). While attending Western Michigan University, I paralleled my classes with those that would best prepare me for the position as a Physician Assistant (why PA? Did you read one of those articles that it was a #1 profession?). As an undergraduate, I gained experience in a clinical setting as a Medical Assistant in a physician's (PA is caps, Med Assistant is caps, but not physician...either go caps for all or lower case for all...keep the consistency.) office. Here, I worked side by side to a practicing physician that shared her years of medical knowledge and experience which greatly helped me along the way. I learned a vast range of new medical terminology, procedures and treatments. This included anything from taking patient histories to performing wound treatments and radiographs.

To further my range of skillsets ('range of skillsets?' Re-think that one) and experience I obtained additional employment as a Medical Technician in a long term care facility. This position allowed me to be in a leadership and health provider role. My primary duties were to ensure the residents had proper healthcare and well-being. This position also allowed me to gain more experience and pick up new medical skills. A few of the new skills I learned include performing neurological checks, dispensing medications and narcotics, and evaluation and documentation of abnormal behaviors. (Medical skills are good and everything, but why PA? What is it about you that screams PA? Everyone can do a neuro check, give out some meds, etc. But what separates you from Peter Pre-pa? Did the evaluation of the abnormal behaviors allow you to see patients in a different light?)

On my path to becoming a Physician Assistant I have gained insights and perspectives I never thought I would endure. During these times (what times? The times on your path to a PA?) I had to prioritize what was most important to me, and temporarily put my career goal on hold. (I feel like the following sentences could be put in different order) In these times (already said this right?) away from pursuing my path (Do you pursue a path? It reads weird to me...) to becoming a Physician Assistant, I took time off to be with my ailing grandparents. Being with my grandparents gave me a perspective into what it’s like to be a patient. Not everyone experiences a loss in the family the same way; I tried to take the positive from it. (What did you do?) My commitment and passion for healthcare was only solidified more from this experience. (How?) Again, while serving in the military (what branch?), I have had to put my studies on hold to fulfill my obligations. (Wait, I thought you joined the military because you didn't have direction and weren't in school? I thought you were out of the military? Is it reserves?). My military training (your training taught you a lot, but has anything else in the military taught you anything?) has taught me incredible life lessons, including determination. These life lessons have allowed me to push through any obstacles that I have faced. (Bringing up the military seems sort of random at this point of the paragraph. Overall, I would reorganize this whole paragraph. It kind of jumps around with the whole "during my time on my path I took time off from my path to be away from ,etc. Maybe start by saying that your grandparents were ill, and continue on about how that affected your focus, goals, classes, and how you reacted, etc.)

My experience (You talked about: check), skills (You talked about: check), and possibly most important (is it the most important or just possibly?), my personality (Wait...I have no idea from your statement what your personality is. Honestly. Are you caring, nonchalant, giving, mature, immature, responsible, goal-oriented, humble, boisterous, etc. I feel that should be expressed a little more. You've talked about your achievements and roles, but who are you deep down? Why should they choose you for an interview?) has led me to where I am today. Becoming a Physician Assistant will finally place me into the role I’ve been striving for. Ultimately, I want to be a Physician Assistant so that I can provide a very high level of healthcare to those who need it. (eh...I was expecting a Scarface type ending but instead got a LOST like ending...all in all, I think its ok. But thats it. The goal is to leave the reader saying, "Man i'd like to get to know this person a little better." I feel that is lacking in here. Yeah you gained experience, and yeah you're a great person for tending to your grandparents, but I need a little more. All I see is somebody who joined the military (not sure what branch), got some training, said it changed his life, went to college, worked in the medical field and decided that PA sounded good. Shotgun a Caspa and here I come.