Personal Statement- critique wanted :)

[jwindsor]

Constructive criticism would be greatly appreciated!!! Here are a few specific things I would like feedback on:

 

- I talked about the fact that I'm a little person because it's a major part of who I am and the unique perspective it has granted me. As someone who doesn't know me, do you gather that I embrace my differences and have the attitude to not let my condition limit me? When most people meet me, they will automatically pick up on that... but I had a difficult time putting it in writing without the reader seeing and interacting with me.

- Is there a logical flow?

- Is it too presumptuous to say upfront that I want to work with children? Will they see it as a bad thing that I am prematurely "declaring" what I want to do, or will they see it as a good thing that I have an idea of a field I would like to work in?

- I feel weird about the opening statement. Is it awkward?

 

Thanks!!

 

____________

 

My interest in medicine is something deep-rooted, having been exposed to medically related issues from birth; however, my decision to pursue a career as a PA is the result of sequential events in my life that assimilate two recurring themes: medicine and children.

 

At the age of three, I was diagnosed with a rare form of dwarfism called acromesomelic dysplasia. As my kindergarten peers compared height and other physical features, I battled an inner struggle and adamantly resisted the reality that I would always be different. It was not until later in my adolescence that I realized my differences, while perceived as a weakness to many, were actually my greatest strength. Because I am a little person I have developed determination and persistence that saturate all aspects of my life, I have acquired an optimistic approach and innovative mindset to overcome obstacles, and I have the opportunity to make a strong impression on someone simply because I am different. Undoubtedly, my life experiences have uniquely shaped me into the person I am today.

 

In the spring of 2007 I submersed myself into a culture I knew nothing about, driven purely by the desire for adventure. Studying abroad in Klaipėda, Lithuania, not only broadened my perspective of the world, but it unexpectedly strengthened my desire to work in the medical field. I volunteered weekends at the local children’s orphanage where many of the children had obvious medical conditions. My eyes were opened to the basic medical needs among the underprivileged populations. As a result, I adopted a personal conviction to dedicate my life working with children, specifically in the medical field.

 

My experience as a volunteer at Memorial University Medical Center reaffirmed my desire to treat children. In working with children, I discovered an inimitable strength I possess. I found that because of my size children are automatically drawn to me, they will open up and tell me information most people have difficulty surfacing, and I can effortlessly make children feel comfortable and quickly ease their anxiety. This strength is something I perceive to be advantageous within the medical field. For instance, while volunteering on the pediatric floor a little girl remained silent and closed-off when her physician entered the room to ask questions. Immediately after the physician left without answers, the little girl turned to me and offered every detail the physician had inquired. Children show no hesitation to lend me information, which is often essential in a medical situation.

 

During my PA shadowing experience, I was impressed by the amount of patient contact a PA has and the level of responsibility expected from him or her. Bob Lackey from Emory Spine Center demonstrated patient education that takes place pre-operationally, and this inspired me because I enjoy educating others and addressing their questions. Horace Saunders from Savannah Medical Group exhibited the PA’s role of managing long-term treatments, which further motivated me as this demonstrated the integration of medicine and PA-patient rapport. In the end, my shadowing experience led me to believe that the role of a PA fits my personality, strengths, and abilities.

 

This summer I will be traveling to Honduras with Mercer Medical School for a ten-day medical trip. We will be providing physicals and basic medical care at a local hospital in Tegucigalpa. The prospect of this trip excites me; however, in the long-term, I am not content with merely providing minimal care. I crave the medical knowledge and clinical skills attributed to a PA. I am motivated to achieve such competency by the challenge it entails. My life as a little person has equipped me to take on challenges most people would never attempt, and I believe I have the determination and persistence to excel as a PA if given the opportunity.

[RN_to_PA]

kudos. excellent narrative!

[Iain1028]

Now this is how a PS should be written!! Pre-PAs take note. You give concrete examples, it has logical progression. A few little typos but great essay. I would want to interview you for sure!!! Nicely developed syntax too. Good job!

[rev ronin]

Great vocabulary! Couple nitpicks...

 

" I discovered an inimitable strength I possess" Inimitable seems almost pretentious, and I'm not sure it's technically accurate--I mean, people can "imitate" your stature by getting down on their knees, right? Perhaps just "unique" instead?

 

"open up and tell me information most people have difficulty surfacing" I think of submarines "surfacing" Consider "drawing out" "elucidating" "uncovering", "unearthing" as alternates?

 

"patient education that takes place pre-operationally" How about "preoperative patient education"?

 

"the little girl turned to me and offered every detail the physician had inquired" inquired after? How about "the physician had sought"?

 

Other than that... DON'T CHANGE THIS. Most PS'es we see here need a complete rewrite. This one DOES NOT.

 

Everyone else, here are things to look for:

 

"In the end, my shadowing experience led me to believe that the role of a PA fits my personality, strengths, and abilities."

 

DING DING DING DING. So many statements I see lack this basic assertion: Here's why I want to be a PA and believe I can.

 

Awesome vocabulary tidbits: assimilate, adamantly... lots of other strong words.

[jwindsor]

Thanks everyone! I'm encouraged by your comments, and I especially appreciate the nitpicks you shared rev ronin :)

[rev ronin]

You're to be strongly commended for posting something that I will comment on publicly--lots of things are simply too hopeless and need a structural rewite before tweaks will help, or with so many issues that I feel mean pointing them all out in public. Oh, in case you couldn't tell--I'm with Iain, I'd interview you in a heartbeat, even with the issues I highlighted.

[codyballard]

I've been skimming through personal statements and I thought this one was great. You obviously have unique experiences that few others can relate to, but you also show how it has directed you towards the PA profession and will help you as a PA. I think this statement will get you plenty of interviews.

 

Regarding the first paragraph, I think it's fine, but if you wanted to you could delete the whole thing and get straight to the meat of what you have to say: "At the age of three,...". I think it works either way.

 

As far as stating that you want to work with children, it's probably best to listen to someone who is more of an insider in the admission process. Probably depends a lot on the school and what they look for, too. Personally, I think it works really well because you talk about why you are particularly well suited for that job, and that's a rare quality to have.

 

I think it should be pointed out for people that don't have such a unique experience that it's still possible to write a great essay. It's just as much about how you present your story than anything. Sometimes I read examples of good narratives and they all seem to be written by people that have really exciting, eye-popping histories. It's really easy to think, "Well, how am I suppose to write a good essay if I've never experienced anything like that?" But everybody has something interesting to say, it just depends on how they say it.

 

You have both: interesting history and you say it really well. Good luck pursuing your goal.

 

Cody

[EMSArtist]

-I talked about the fact that I'm a little person because it's a major part of who I am and the unique perspective it has granted me. As someone who doesn't know me, do you gather that I embrace my differences and have the attitude to not let my condition limit me? When most people meet me, they will automatically pick up on that... but I had a difficult time putting it in writing without the reader seeing and interacting with me.

I think you make it absolutely clear that you have a positive attitude towards your stature and that this challenge has shaped you and motivated you - neither overly positive nor trying to be positive- it is pretty obvious what your attitude is and it comes across very well

- Is there a logical flow?

Absolutely- it's nice to see a well structured logical essay like this :-)

- Is it too presumptuous to say upfront that I want to work with children? Will they see it as a bad thing that I am prematurely "declaring" what I want to do, or will they see it as a good thing that I have an idea of a field I would like to work in?

This in some ways may depend on the program/person reading it- BUT I think you make your motivation clear, and demonstrate unique strengths that make peds a great field for you in the future.

- I feel weird about the opening statement. Is it awkward?

there is one phrase I might nitpick a tiny bit in the intro- "the result of sequential events in my life" I might rephrase that to "the result of a series of events in my life" - saying "series of events" is a little more personal, and leads to an expectation in the reader that there will be a logical progression of linked events A to B to C, whereas "sequential events" leads to a expectation of a 1,2,3 progression. It is a subtle difference, but possibly significant.

 

 

Overall this is possibly the best PS that has come through since I have been reading them. Excellent content logically laid out- a couple of tweaks and it will be perfect- I agree with all of rev ronin's suggestions :) Best luck I know that this PS will serve you well, and I'm glad you are applying well before me!

[rev ronin]

Note that Ms. Windsor has likely already submitted her statement, since this was posted over two months ago. There are plenty of other applicants who have posted more recent statements for evaluation--and who clearly need more help with theirs! :-)

[EMSArtist]

doh- my bad :/

[kiwisplash04]

Enjoyed reading your statement! Which school are you going to?

[Just Steve]

I realize I am coming to this post late, but I just wanted to pitch in and say I agree with the comments of this being a solid Statement. What I really like is how the author listed the things they have done to prepare to become a PA...logical flow from "I want to be a PA and work in medicine" going straight to showing the reader what they have done with their motivation. The solid examples of giving tangible examples I think are keys to success.