Looking for Critique - First Draft

[Hannthor1216]

By the time I was 16, we had already fostered numerous children, many of whom were familiar with the chair of a doctor’s office; I often think of myself as a surrogate sister for the children that stay in our home, even long after they return to their parents. In the past few years, we have opened our home to many children in the system, including those who have specific physical and mental needs. While it is not easy for any student to acknowledge where their career aspirations came from, I can give credit the foster care system for my decision to become a Physician Assistant (PA).

 

Although it was a familiar scene, the three children emerging from the silver sedan in our driveway that hot afternoon seemed different than the rest; their crooked smiles were bigger than most as they hurried out of the car and towards their new home. The group of three all shared the same blonde hair and blue eyes, but as they made their way to the house it was clear that one sibling was different than the others. Walking the fastest towards the house, and the first to introduce himself as the oldest, was Dylan. Even from a distance, Dylan’s lack of muscle control and inward rotated toes, along with his poor muscle tone, made his diagnosis of Cerebral Palsy clear. Despite his status as a child in foster care and his developmental disabilities, Dylan never failed to project happiness and brighten up a room with his presence; the level of maturity and parental guidance which he displayed to his younger siblings was unlike anything I had seen before in a 10-year-old boy. Although he was the one who was suffering from Cerebral Palsy, he made sure to take care of his younger siblings before anything else, including himself.

 

Having Cerebral Palsy, and being a child in foster care with insurance covered by the state, Dylan had many reoccurring medical visits; while the trips were very repetitive, it was obvious that he enjoyed his appointments due to his eagerness to reach the office each time. Although he had mentioned his fondness for his healthcare provider, I was unaware of the role that Dylan’s PA played in the treatment of his condition and emotional well-being until I attended my first appointment with him. While he was always very comfortable around others, the bond which took place between Dylan and his PA can only be compared to the one he shared with his siblings. His PA not only served as his healthcare provider, but also as an adult who Dylan felt he could have a relationship with and view as a role model; the disconnected relationship with his parents, along with being a child in foster care and lacking a stable home environment, meant that Dylan did not have many adults with whom he felt comfort or stability with. One can imagine that it was very difficult for Dylan to take care of himself, along with filling the parental role for his younger siblings, but I do believe that Dylan’s continuous visits with his PA gave him time to focus on himself in a comfortable environment which allowed him to progress in his treatments.

 

After my first appointment with Dylan, I was immediately focused on learning more about the PA profession and the role they play in the lives of their patients both on a personal and professional level. While there are several other healthcare roles which I have considered, I believe that a career as a PA will provide me with both the job satisfaction and the connection with patients which I desire; my professional goal as a PA is to have the same relationship with my future patients which Dylan experienced with his. My career aspiration not only stems from my interaction with foster children who have physical or mental needs, but is also based on my inclination to work with patients while using my intellectual ability daily to develop successful treatment plans in order to provide individuals with the best care possible. 

[Guest HanSolo]

Interesting motif, but this essay needs to be about you - not Dylan.

 

"Walking the fastest towards the house, and the first to introduce himself as the oldest, was Dylan. Even from a distance, Dylan’s lack of muscle control and inward rotated toes, along with his poor muscle tone, made his diagnosis of Cerebral Palsy clear. Despite his status as a child in foster care and his developmental disabilities, Dylan never failed to project happiness and brighten up a room with his presence; the level of maturity and parental guidance which he displayed to his younger siblings was unlike anything I had seen before in a 10-year-old boy. Although he was the one who was suffering from Cerebral Palsy, he made sure to take care of his younger siblings before anything else, including himself.

 

Having Cerebral Palsy, and being a child in foster care with insurance covered by the state, Dylan had many reoccurring medical visits; while the trips were very repetitive, it was obvious that he enjoyed his appointments due to his eagerness to reach the office each time. "

 

None of this is about you. Remember, you are the one applying. I wouldn't scrap the theme, but make sure you make this essay more personal in future edits. 

[Hannthor1216]

By the time I was 18, we had already fostered numerous children, many of whom were familiar with the chair of a doctor’s office; I often think of myself as a surrogate sister for the children that stay in our home, even long after they return to their parents. In the past few years, we have opened our home to many children in the system, including those who have specific physical and mental needs. While it is not easy for any student to acknowledge where their career aspirations came from, I can give credit the foster care system for my decision to become a Physician Assistant (PA).

 

Although it was a familiar scene, the three children emerging from the silver sedan in our driveway that afternoon seemed different than the rest; their crooked smiles were bigger than most as they hurried out of the car and towards their new home. The group of three all shared the same blonde hair and blue eyes, but as they made their way to the house it was clear that one sibling was not like the others. Walking the fastest towards the house, and the first to introduce himself as the oldest, was Dylan. Even from a distance, Dylan’s lack of muscle control and inward rotated toes made his diagnosis of Cerebral Palsy obvious. Over the next few months, it became clear to us that Dylan was not like other children his age; although he was the one who was suffering from Cerebral Palsy, he made sure to take care of his younger siblings before anything else, including himself.

 

Having Cerebral Palsy, and being a child in foster care with insurance covered by the state, Dylan had many reoccurring medical visits; while the bi-monthly trips were repetitive, he always looked forward to seeing his PA. For Dylan, his PA not only served as his healthcare provider, but also as an adult who he could have a relationship with and view as a role model; the disconnected relationship with his parents, along with being a child in foster care and lacking a stable home environment, meant that Dylan did not have many adults with whom he felt comfort or stability with. One can imagine that it was very difficult for Dylan to take care of himself, along with filling the parental role for his younger siblings, but I do believe that Dylan’s continuous visits with his PA gave him time to focus on himself in a comfortable environment which allowed him to progress in his treatments. It was clear that his Physician Assistant not only cherished working in pediatrics, but also thoroughly enjoyed his role as Dylan’s healthcare provider and understood the needs, both physical and mental, which he required.

 

 

Shortly after meeting Dylan and his PA, I thought it would be appropriate to investigate the career and I was interested in discovering more about their role in the lives of patients. During my first two years of college, I was geared towards pharmacy school and had begun taking the necessary prerequisites to do so; prior to the appointments I attended with Dylan, I don’t believe that I even knew what a Physician Assistant was. Just before my junior year, when I started to contemplate changing paths to become a PA, I had already worked in a pharmacy for nearly two years and had the opportunity to see the daily life of a retail pharmacist; I believe that my experience in the pharmacy made the decision to switch career paths simpler for me. After a summer of consideration, and many pro-con lists, I made the decision to change my career goal and focus on becoming a Physician Assistant. While there are several other healthcare roles which I have considered, such as NP or MD, I believe that a career as a PA will provide me with both the job satisfaction and the connection with patients which I desire while having the ability to consult with any supervising physicians. My career aspiration not only stems from my interaction with foster children who have physical or mental needs, but is also based on my inclination to work with patients while using my intellectual ability daily to develop successful treatment plans.