nvonh Posted April 2, 2017 Share Posted April 2, 2017 Hey everyone, so this is my 2nd time applying and was hoping anyone could give me some insight or critique my personal statement. I woud greatly appreciate it! edit - just was accepted off of a waitlist :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nvonh Posted April 4, 2017 Author Share Posted April 4, 2017 Anyone out there willing to help? :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest HanSolo Posted April 4, 2017 Share Posted April 4, 2017 Your should print it and read it aloud. See how it sounds. Some segments are fairly repetitive. For example, "He ran in calm and collected and performed CPR on the man while working as a team with other nurses to later use a defibrillator to save the man’s life. I immediately became intrigued with the PA profession after seeing this PA use his medical knowledge and expertise to work together with other healthcare professionals to save this man’s life." Never use two sentences to say something that could be said in one. Plus, by reading it aloud you will discover grammatical errors and awkward phrasing. Also, it comes across as being disingenuous. "My passion and enthusiasm increased while observing the physician assistant and physician work as a team..." Really? Your passion? There isn't anything else in this statement to show me you are passionate. You're just telling me you are. If someone is truly passionate about something, they don't have to tell you it. Passion is exuded - rarely told. I feel like I am becoming a broken record on this forum, but you really need to do more showing and less telling. Here is a perfect example: "This experience has shown me that healthcare is all about teamwork between the patient, physician, and PA. The patient has to have trust and feel comfortable with both providers while the PA and physician have to have mutual respect and understanding of each other to make a successful team. As an orthopedic technician, I have learned to be empathetic, compassionate and a team member while working closely with patients who are in a vulnerable state after surgery and it has also reinforced the gentle, nurturing aspects of my personality. My experience as a technician has shown me that patience, compassion, and sympathy are important aspects of patient care, and I will continue to expend these traits with future patient relationships." Does that paragraph show anybody that you are any of those descriptors you list? It sounds like you swiped the key words off a PA school's website. You need to let them know how you embody this. It's not an easy task, but that's what sets a great essay apart from a mediocre one. You've got some good bones to this thing. It just needs to become a lot more refined. I'd shy away from listing your job duties or listing traits that make a good PA. They can see your duties from your resume/CASPA. They know what PAs are. Tell them something about yourself that they don't know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nvonh Posted April 4, 2017 Author Share Posted April 4, 2017 Thank you for the reply! That's exactly what I needed to hear. I'll definutely do some fine tuning and rework some of the paragraphs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
L.Hammond Posted May 20, 2017 Share Posted May 20, 2017 Hi! Are you still looking for a help? There are some general advice for personal statement writing: Explain your reasons for wanting to study the course Explain how you're right for the course / What specialist skills do you have that make you an ideal candidate? Have you taken part in any projects that help demonstrate your capabilities? What’s the long-term plan? Keep it positive :-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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