Personal Statment Critique Needed

[Sbaur24]

I just finished my first draft of my personal statement. I plan to edit it and rewrite it more, but I was unsure where to start. Any comments would be appreciated. Thanks!

 

As I sat in the backseat of my car playing games like every other five year old; I noticed something in the corner of my eye. My little brother began to stare off into the distance and his arms along with his body began to jerk. He was having a seizure. I had watched it happen before, but my parents had always been there to comfort him. I did the only thing that I thought I could do and held his hand. He was always confused and upset afterwards, so I sat there with him and told him “ Everything is going to be okay I’m here.” My brother was diagnosed with the genetic disease tuberous sclerosis and has gone through many test and brain surgeries. He is very fortunate to still be able to live a normal life. Everything the nurses, PA’s, and doctors have done for him and my family is what inspired me to purse becoming a PA.

I began to work as a CNA after my freshmen year of college. I was very eager to be able to care for someone one on one. I worked full time, so I quickly developed good relationships with the residents.  One woman named Angela began to impact me a lot. Whenever she saw me she would get the biggest smile on her face and she always wanted to talk for hours. When I had downtime I would always try to color with her because she loved art. Her daughter was always very thankful when I was her nurse aide because I did a really good job with her and actually cared.  For me, it was hard to believe that people would do this job and not care about other people. Unfortunately, Angela began to decline very rapidly. When she eventually passed her daughter talked with me about how thankful she was that I was there for her mother and the impact I made in both of their lives. It never really crossed my mind that I was doing something out of the ordinary. These situations along with many more over the past few years have made me realize how much I love being able to make an impact in someone else’s life. As a PA I will have the ability to get to know patients and make an impact in their life by educating and improving their health.

After being a CNA in nursing home for two years I wanted a change of scenery, so I began looking for a job in a hospital. As a PA not being tied to one area of practice and having a lot of job flexibility appeals to me. I like that I could work in family medicine, do surgeries, or even share my passion for medicine with PA students by teaching. I am interested in a lot of different things in medicine, so being a PA gives me the opportunity to explore them all and to continue learning.

 A big learning experience for me was when I got to volunteer in the ER of a local hospital. This provided me with a real glimpse of what it was like to be a PA. On my first day in the ER I got to see what the PA doctor relationship was like. The PA initially examined the patient and consulted back to the doctor to ask questions. I like that as a PA you can consult and get another opinions from a Doctor. I believe you can learn a lot from other people and being a PA you get to work closely with many different health professionals. It was mesmerizing to see patients come in with chest pains and shortness of breath and watch the medical team use there combined knowledge to work together. Along with that, PA’s are constantly learning. Medicine is always changing and the idea that a new treatment or breakthrough could happen any moment is fascinating to be apart of. It was very interesting for me to see the PA ordering different test for one patient trying to figure out what was wrong like searching for a missing puzzle piece. I couldn’t wait to be on the forefront of the diagnosis and developing a care plan.

As I continued to volunteer I noticed how intelligent and professional the PA was with families while still being empathetic. I admired this a lot and plan to be like this when I am a PA. I began to think a lot about what being a PA would be like for me. Going into the medical field is not easy. I have spent countless hours not only studying, but truly trying to understand the material so I can be prepared for PA school. I know there is a lot more of that to come. People say that PA school is like “ trying to drink from a fire hose”. It isn’t going to be easy, but it will be worth it. As a PA student I believe you must commit your whole life to it because in the end it’s another person’s life in your hands.  I have learned that medicine is not easy there are complications there are non-curable diseases, and days that don’t seem like they will ever end. I don’t think experiencing a death of a patient will ever become easy, but I do believe there are things that make it extremely worth it. For me, knowing at the end of the day that I could make an impact in someone else’s life even if it was just holding there hand and encouraging them to keep fighting is enough. 

[pastudentw]

I'm no expert by far so these are just my two cents as a current PA student.

 

First thing, do not refer to a patient by their name at all.... ever. HIPPA!! Even if that name is made up people may not know that. Safe bet take it out and just say "I had a patient". Always leave out anything that could identify a patient at all in any way whatsoever. 

 

I like the story about that patient experience that impacted you, but it went on for too long. You are using up too many characters describing just that one story when you could focus more about YOU! A personal statement is kind of your time to be selfish (fine line with being arrogant of course). 

I noticed you spent basically the entire essay talking about different patient experiences which is good and should be talked about but you also may want to throw in something about how you are academically prepared to be a successful PA student and PA-C. You touched on it in the last paragraph but just thought it could be fleshed out a bit more to give the essay a little more dimension into who you are.

 

"It was very interesting for me to see the PA ordering different test for one patient trying to figure out what was wrong..." This sentence just sounded weird when I went through it and the grammar seems off but trust me I'm no expert on grammar!!!

 

"I like that as a PA you can consult and get another opinions from a Doctor..." Another grammar sentence that reads weird. Also doctors consult with other doctors so in a way I'm not sure this is a differentiating factor of PA versus MD/DO

 

The opening paragraph was good since it was descriptive and was more interesting than the typical opener of "I wanna be a PA so I can help people" but at the same time a lot of people will use some kind of medical issue they personally had or a family member had. The way you wrote it doesn't seem bad but just something to keep in mind since you are trying to stand out! With that opening paragraph you acknowledge a whole team of healthcare professionals helped your brother but then why didn't you become a nurse? They also helped your brother. I think you answered the question of why not MD since you talk about flexibility in the PA profession but maybe drive the point home about why you want to be formulating that plan of action for a patient's course of treatment. Just a thought. 

 

I always recommend taking your essay to someone at your university writing center for grammar advice. Sometimes they even have people that specifically look at pre-professional essays. Also take it to anyone willing to read it and give you honest advice. You should always be able to see improvements in an essay so if you take it to someone and they don't give you any points to change, probably continue getting feedback and choose the best advice from the feedback you get.

[Sbaur24]

Thank you so much! That helps a lot.