Reapplying and need to make statement better

[daniturley]

                Growing up as a child I didn’t have the normal aspirations about wanting to be something extraordinary such as an astronaut or a princess. Instead I focused on one thing; not wanting to be in the medical field. Both of my parents were nurses and I felt that I too was expected to work as a medical professional. All I knew was that I wanted to be unique and defy these expectations.

                Throughout high school I struggled with depression. My relationship with my mother was filled with tension. On top of that I felt helpless because I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life. I thought the answers could only come if I branched out on my own for the first time. I decided to wave goodbye to Colorado and head up to the big skies of Montana on a soccer scholarship. To please my parent’s I decided to major in biology so I would have many options for a career. However, my battle with depression took a turn for the worst when I was having trouble handling the pressures of school and soccer at the same time.  I found myself in the ER realizing that I had two options for myself; I could either just end my misery or take a deep breath and let go of things so I could move forward.  I decided on the latter and found a sense of belonging in the ROTC program at my school. This was the first time that I felt inspired to do something bigger than myself. To know that I had the power to make a difference on a more grand scale was one of the most comforting feelings. Unfortunately, this feeling of relief for having a plan for the future was short lived. God had different plans for me, and I was not accepted into the Army due to my history of depression.

                At this point I was feeling rather deflated and didn’t know what to do. Answers for my future weren’t coming to me in school, they weren’t coming to be on the soccer field, and they weren’t coming to me through my friends. I decided that I would get a part time job to get a feel for the career scene. More importantly I wanted to find some inspiration; inspiration that would direct me what to do with the biology degree that I loved and was working so hard to get.

                I was given a chance at an eye clinic even though I had no applicable experience. This was the opportunity and moment I had been waiting for to change my life. From the job I learned that I truly did have a passion for helping people in this way despite what I had been trying to tell myself for all those years. Seeing patients grin when they could finally see was a feeling that has never failed to brighten my day, no matter what was happening. After a while I was able to start having more direct contact with the patients before the doctor would come in to do the exam. During this process patients would often ask questions to which I did not have the answer. Soon I became frustrated because I was tired of having to say that they could address their concerns with the doctor. This frustration has now turned into my motivation. I want to be the person who can provide comfort by answering the questions that patients so desperately want to understand.  

                My work at the eye clinic made me seriously reconsider becoming a healthcare professional. It made me reflect on past experiences, which at the time I didn’t know would be so influential. When I was in school I would go over to the doctor’s office that my mom worked at and hang out until she was done. During these many hours spent there I was able to watch the interactions between the nurse (my mom), the doctor, and the physician’s assistant (PA). I was impressed with how much the PA was able to do on his own, but yet at the same time he was still a critical part of a team. From talking with him he told me how although he had focused more on orthopedics, it could have been easy for him to work in any different specialty.  This is what attracts me to being a PA; the ability to be flexible and have a wide range of knowledge.  I found that many jobs can become very repetitive which honestly scares me. When I become a PA I will get to see something different every day. No two patients are alike and all will bring something new to the table.  I will never become bored, because I will never be doing exactly the same thing.

                My work at the eye clinic taught me that what my parents do is actually unique.  The way they can provide comfort through reassurance and answering is something I can’t wait to be able to do. I want to be a PA so that I can help people in the only way I know how; through my developed passion in the medical field. I want to be a PA so that I can carry on my ability to be a good teammate like I did while playing collegiate soccer. I want to be a PA because despite all the ups and downs, I have prevailed and am as determined as ever to always continue my education in the healthcare field, even after I am done with school.

[pastudentw]

Make absolutely sure you take out "physician's assistant" which jumped out to me and is incorrect. The proper way is physician assistant (PA) and then you can use PA as the abbreviation. 

 

Also this seems very long for the word limit allowed on CASPA so remember it is 5,000 characters which includes all spaces and formatting. You will likely need to cut this down significantly.

Focus on attributes that a PA has, the attributes that you have which are backed up and demonstrated by your application as a whole and marry the two. Nothing about this essay seems unique to the PA profession versus other healthcare providers which is what you should try and get across.

[rev ronin]

Never reuse a personal statement unless you want to get the same result as last year.  Be sure to answer the big one question:

- Why PA as opposed to something else in healthcare?

 

No one really cares about the rest; they just want to see how you developed a thought process that says "PA, not MD"

[paproof]

There are multiple paragraphs that carry a negative tone.  You want to be positive throughout the essay!

[south]

Needs to be about 10 pages shorter.  I can tell this story in about four lines.  

 

- Didn't think i wanted to be in medical at first

- had some experience as a patient that was valuable, so you should accept me

- some cool things happened that broadened me and changed my mind and made it so you should accept me

- now I think it would be the best thing for me, because reasons, so you should accept me

 

Get this looked at by someone who can get rid of the fluff and extraneous stuff weighing it down.  For example:  

 

wave goodbye to Colorado and head up to the big skies of Montana

 

"Earlier in life I struggled with depression, partially brought on by a tense family situation.  I decided to accept a soccer scholarship in Montana, and studied Biology there.  The pressures in college exacerbated my depression at first, and I even had to seek emergency care.  Things got much better when I became involved in ROTC; I was attracted to the discipline and camaraderie and considered becoming an Army officer.  That was not meant to be, so when an opportunity came up to get a better look at the medical field, I decided to have another look...

 

what this says in 10% of the time:

 

- had depression and learned from it, that's a good thing,  and it's taken care of now so isn't an issue you should be concerned about

-  I was in ROTC and Varsity sports so i can work as a team and discipline and goals and competition yo

- i am open-minded and move on after i encounter and solve problems without wallowing in it

 

Only put POSITIVE things in here.  If it's a bad thing, put a POSITIVE spin on it.  Whining = death, instant trash can.  

 

A friend of mine was doing time as an adult and got his or her GED as part of a jail diversion program.  You guessed it - finished top of their class at a solid PA program.  

 

depression = empathy for others, so accept me

struggles in life = persistent no-quit attitude, i can do your program even if it's difficult

life mistakes = learning experiences that make me good for your program

stuff that makes you different = stuff that makes you different.  present that as BETTER .  This is your chance!  I never did ROTC or sports.  

 

use whatever resources you have to get this re-written.  i am a former writer but don't have time, so i'm just an internet guy who can't sleep.

[UGoLong]

I have to agree with some of the other comments. Lots of words you used above imply weakness and a lack of personal stability/maturity – “scared,” depressed,” “filled with tension,” “helpless,” “to please my parents,” “trouble handling the pressures of school,” “not accepted into the Army because of my history of depression,” “feeling rather deflated,” “honestly scares me,” and others.

 

These might make a reviewer wonder if you can handle the stress of PA school and the job that follows. I appreciate your willingness to share these innermost thoughts; they imply the need to have worked through some things in your life. Hopefully you have; if not, now is the time to seek some help.

 

The essay is a marketing document -- your chance to give the interviewers something beyond grades, test scores, and (hopefully good) letters of recommendation. Tell us about your journey if you want, but don’t tell us so much about weaknesses. If the Army didn’t take you because of depression, it probably isn’t a great subject for your essay.

 

I hope this makes sense and I wish you the best of luck. Having to overcome something hopefully has made you stronger. There are even more challenges ahead.