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Personal Statement Critique


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First draft of my personal statement. Any comments and critiques are appreciated!

 

One of the most substantial interactions I have had with a patient occurred when I was doing my clinical rotations in an emergency department for my emergency medical technician certification. EMS arrived emergent nearing midnight with a 57-year-old male complaining of difficulty breathing. In my head I imagined a man of normal appearance, in moderate discomfort, and breathing heavily. That is what I always imagined when I read about respiratory distress in textbooks anyways. It is funny how you can read about something and believe that you fully understand it, but a textbook can never prepare you for what you will experience in real life.

            There was madness in trauma room 2 as the nurses and doctors each tried to get the history and figure out their role in the situation. Through the controlled chaos I saw the patient. The first thing I noticed was his ashen white skin, sweating with the effort of trying to get air in his lungs. His chest heaved with every breath he took. One nurse was holding an oxygen mask to his face, another was holding an emesis bin that was nearing full. The PA I had come in with was now at the head of the bed, motioning me closer to the bed. Standing at the patient’s side, I saw that he was sweating from the effort of breathing and his eyes were scared and starring wildly at the people around him.

            It felt like a blur as the team sedated the man and quickly intubated him. They attached the bag-valve-mask and handed it to me. There was no hesitation as I took the bag and began ventilations. I begin counting in my head five seconds between each breath, then I would squeeze again. The resistance was unexpected. The only time I had used a BVM before was on a mannequin. I should have expected it would feel a little different on a live person. The rush I felt was unexpected. I could not believe that I was actually breathing for a living human being. The color slowly began to return to his face. I worked with the respiratory therapist to get his CO2 levels back within normal range before a machine took over my job. I first felt relief in my cramped hands. Then I felt overwhelming emotions from having played a hand in potentially saving the patient’s life. It was an unforgettable experience that played a considerable part in solidifying my desire to continue to help people in both big and small ways for the rest of my life.

            My desire to become a PA was realized over a longer period of time. I shadowed many different providers, from nurses to doctors to PAs and in many different settings and specialties. I volunteered in clinics and rehabilitation hospitals and began working as an EMT to gain first hand experience with interacting and treating patients. I was immediately attracted to the amount of patient interaction PAs are able to have. I admire the time they take in both family practice and the ED to talk to their patients and get to know them and their history. No matter what a patient is presenting with, the care they are provided is always going to be specialized for them and their situation. I learned that by establishing a relationship with your patients, it allows you to provide the best care possible.

            Another aspect that is important to me is the interaction PAs have with other medical professionals around them. No matter where I was, whether it was in an ED, an urgent care, or a family practice, there was always a team dynamic that I admired. The PAs, doctors, nurses, techs and scribes worked as a team on nearly every case. I was especially impressed by the rapport between the doctors and PA’s. In many cases the two were equals. They discussed everything from interpreting X-ray results to particular courses of action they should take for a patient. I learned quickly that teamwork in the medical field is the best work. Being able to talk to someone else about thoughts and results allows practitioners to bounce ideas off each other and gain a different perspective he or she may not have thought of before. Finally, I enjoy the flexibility and variety of the work physician assistants do. Becoming a PA means I will always be learning. There is no stagnation; there is no final step where I can finally say I have learned everything I can. Instead, each patient presents with a new and exciting challenge, whether it be something I have seen a dozen times or something I have never encountered before and that allows me to grow as a provider as long as I practice. I cannot wait to become a PA so that I can make an impression on each of my patient’s health and their future in both big and small ways.  

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Your topic was on the bottom of my screen and I decided to take a look.  It took me a good amount of time to write my statement and I know how much of a pain it is and how much you want to impress the panels.  I received a lot of advice from PA's I work with and from friends who are better writers than I am. Here's my advice to you:

 

Watch out for repetition and being overly descriptive.  We tend to want to dress up our phrasing to make us seem knowledgeable. In reality, simplicity is best.  I would also avoid using too many abbreviations (its best to write things out like physician assistant instead of overusing "PA's").  I would avoid writing CO2, maybe change the sentence to talk about respiratory acidosis, hypercarbia, etc...or write out carbon dioxide. 

  • Repetition: In one sentence you said, "The PA I had come in with was now at the head of the bed, motioning me closer to the bed."  You can say, "The physician assistant I was shadowing was at the head of the bed, motioning me to come closer."
  • Overly descriptive: "Ashen white."  Ashen alone is very descriptive in medical terminology.  No need to say both.  Think of someone reading an H&P note you write; of its overly descriptive with a lot of fluff they're going to get impatient or annoyed.  Make it direct.

​The other thing to ponder is that a lot of people tell stories.  One of my friends is a PA and helps do the interviews for a program.  He said a lot of people told elaborate stories but failed to clearly say why they want to be a PA.  Panels want to see that you know what a PA does (not give them a definition) and why you want to be one. In your last paragraph you mention teamwork.  That is a great point to bring up and something that is very important to PA programs.  I would focus on that more and elaborate on why you want to be a PA instead of spending the majority of the essay talking about one patient.

 

Many people have helped me over the years and sometimes I was annoyed at their criticism of my writing.  My point is that I hope this comes off as helpful for you.

Best of luck,

Mark

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OP, this is a pretty good personal statement. I would cut the line about teamwork being the best work - it comes off as a little corny and you've basically communicated that already.

 

The story at the beginning shows that you are engaged and interested in the work/think it's cool (though you come off as a little green... the novelty of that situation wears off when you do it many times... that's ok though because you are new to this). Anticipate this question during your interviews though: why don't you want to become a paramedic instead? You would do all that cool stuff... So just have a good answer for that. (In reality, being a paramedic would be cool but you'd be making about 25% the salary of a PA - though you can't really give that as a reason in an interview.)

 

I appreciate the stuff about team work and lifelong learning. These are important parts of being a PA and probably valued by admissions boards.

 

In contrast to Mark's post above, your writing "CO2" didn't bother me.

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