Draft #2! Took the advice I was given the first time around, but still need help! Critique anything and everything!

[turbas]

       The operating room was numbingly loud with machines beeping and conversation soaring between the surgeon and the surgical nurse. The smell of burning flesh and the grinding of the saw cutting through the sternum were senses I had never experienced before. My heart was racing as the chest was cracked open and revealed the beating heart inside the cavity; I stood there amazed and found myself at a loss for words. When I saw the beating organ that's kept my blood circulating for 19 years I couldn't help but be absorbed in the moment. My decision to have a career in the medical field was set in stone that day. Observing open heart surgery is not solely responsible for sending me down the path of wanting to become a PA, but it intensified my passion to learn more about the human body.

       I began taking college classes as a junior in high school, and I haven't stopped working towards my dream of becoming a PA. By the time I became a full time college student I had enough college credits to be classified as a sophomore and was able to jump right into my classes towards my major. While attending college (full time) I worked two jobs while earning a B.S. in Molecular and Cellular Biology; however, I enjoyed the challenge. I'm someone who performs really well under pressure, and those three years of attending college while working two jobs contributed to building the hard-working person I am today.

       I have always taken pride in being a hard worker, and I strive to be a better person everyday. Whether as an employee, student, wife, or friend I want to challenge myself and improve in any way that I can. Throughout my life I have always been my biggest critic and supporter, and I have pushed myself harder than anyone else in my life. I took calculus as a senior in high school, and that was my most difficult class in high school. I struggled a lot in that class and in the end I didn't end up receiving a high enough score on the AP test to receive college credit. I was really disappointed in myself because I felt that even though I struggled that year, I worked as hard as I could so that i was prepared for that test. I realized that all of my work that I put into that class wasn't going to be reflected in the grade that I received on the test. I knew that I would have to take that class again as a college student, and I was looking forward to it. I pushed myself and ended up getting an A in the class. Hard work pays off.

       Being a military wife for a little over a year has also greatly affected my life and view on the world. Nothing is ever set in stone in the military; you learn to live life day to day. It is very easy to get caught up in the day to day living, and chasing your own dreams becomes a very difficult task to achieve. I enjoy being a military wife, but over this past year I have also realized that I do not want to give up on my dream. I was able to maintain two jobs while earning my bachelor's degree, I have far surpassed all of my employer's expectations, and I have become a stronger individual, mentally and physically while being stationed at Twentynine Palms Marine Corps Base in California. They say that being a military wife is the toughest job in the Marine Corps and I stand by that 100%, but now I want to take on another difficult job. I want to turn my dream into a reality and become a physician assistant.

         The personal and professional opportunities that the medical field offers are abundant. A career as a PA is perfect for someone like myself who enjoys a challenge. I love that as a PA you are able to work individually, but you also have the privilege to work and collaborate with a physician who will help push you to learn more and better your skills. I believe that I have proven that I can challenge myself on my own, as an employee and student, but I am ready to move onto the next step of my life plan of becoming a PA and the new set of challenges it will bring me.

       I am currently looking forward to my volunteer work in the naval hospital through the American Red Cross. I feel fortunate to work for the Red Cross because I have the same goals that the organization has. Working with the Red Cross will not only allow me to help others, but it will also allow me to improve my patient care abilities. I am excited to further challenging myself by reaching goals I have already set in place, but I am also excited about setting new goals that I can work towards. Life is about working hard and doing what you love. I know that I am a very hard worker, now I just want to do what I know I will love to do.

 

 

[aty001]

To be honest, I think your essay needs a lot of work.

 

The second paragraph is boring and kind of pointless. All you said was you went to college and had a job or two... Don't put anything in your essay that the admissions committee already can see from your application; this is your chance to tell them something that they don't know about you. They can see that you had a job from your experiences section and that you worked hard by getting good grades throughout college. I would just take that entire paragraph out.

 

The third paragraph is also pointless. You need to talk about wanting to be a PA! No one cares that you didn't do well in a high school calculus class. Instead of the 2nd and 3rd paragraphs, tell a story about how you worked hard in the healthcare field. Those are the examples the ad committee cares about, not weak examples from high school. And instead of saying "I did this, I worked hard" show that you're a hard worker through your example (in healthcare!) and along with working hard, show some other qualities you have, maybe being a team player or being compassionate.

 

You don't talk about being a PA until the end of your essay. The whole essay should be about you wanting to be a PA. Also, you just maybe had one sentence about what you liked about PAs... the whole essay should be about that and how you would make a good PA. 

 

You have a lot to work with, volunteering and being a military wife; but this essay isn't going to convince a committee to give you an interview. You need to talk more about the healthcare field, being with patients, being a PA especially! Most people who apply to PA school are hard workers, with all of the pre reqs we have to do in order to apply, you pretty much have to be a hard worker. You need to show your other unique characteristics and DEFINITELY give examples of you showing those characteristics.

 

For my essay, I went to all of the schools websites and wrote down the qualities they valued in the applicants. Then I circled 3-4 on my list and made sure that I had concrete stories/examples to show that I had those characteristics. It really helped figuring out what to write about. Then, tie those into what attracts you to being a PA. 

 

Some other pieces of advice I've gotten for writing these essays is that if you can replace "PA" with "doctor" or "NP" or any other profession, you did not do a good job of explaining why you want to be a PA. Also, don't include anything in your essay that the committee can read on your application. It's just a waste of the 5000 character limit you have. Finally, you want someone to read this essay and say "damn! I want to meet this person!" so keep that in mind when you're writing. Be passionate!

 

Good luck!

[fflores98]

I think it needs a lot of work. You mentioned that your decision to go into the medical field in your first paragraph but you don't mention what type of medical professional. It says nothing on what made you decide to become a PA and why you chose that against nursing, MD, tech, or anything else. You mentioned that you're looking forward to volunteer work, have you done any volunteering? What type of HCE/PCE do you have? Mention it.

 

Take the time to talk about yourself, Adcoms already have your transcripts and GRE so they are aware of your academic capabilities. I wouldn't include that in your PS and take the time to explain about yourself, being a marine wife and having to juggle school, work (maybe kids if you have any) in a different part of the country you weren't raised in.

 

Also, if I were you I would remove the sentence where you mention being a military wife is the toughest job in the Marine Corps. While it is admirable and being a military wife is a tough role, it may rub some the wrong way.

[turbas]

To be honest, I think your essay needs a lot of work.

 

The second paragraph is boring and kind of pointless. All you said was you went to college and had a job or two... Don't put anything in your essay that the admissions committee already can see from your application; this is your chance to tell them something that they don't know about you. They can see that you had a job from your experiences section and that you worked hard by getting good grades throughout college. I would just take that entire paragraph out.

 

The third paragraph is also pointless. You need to talk about wanting to be a PA! No one cares that you didn't do well in a high school calculus class. Instead of the 2nd and 3rd paragraphs, tell a story about how you worked hard in the healthcare field. Those are the examples the ad committee cares about, not weak examples from high school. And instead of saying "I did this, I worked hard" show that you're a hard worker through your example (in healthcare!) and along with working hard, show some other qualities you have, maybe being a team player or being compassionate.

 

You don't talk about being a PA until the end of your essay. The whole essay should be about you wanting to be a PA. Also, you just maybe had one sentence about what you liked about PAs... the whole essay should be about that and how you would make a good PA. 

 

You have a lot to work with, volunteering and being a military wife; but this essay isn't going to convince a committee to give you an interview. You need to talk more about the healthcare field, being with patients, being a PA especially! Most people who apply to PA school are hard workers, with all of the pre reqs we have to do in order to apply, you pretty much have to be a hard worker. You need to show your other unique characteristics and DEFINITELY give examples of you showing those characteristics.

 

For my essay, I went to all of the schools websites and wrote down the qualities they valued in the applicants. Then I circled 3-4 on my list and made sure that I had concrete stories/examples to show that I had those characteristics. It really helped figuring out what to write about. Then, tie those into what attracts you to being a PA. 

 

Some other pieces of advice I've gotten for writing these essays is that if you can replace "PA" with "doctor" or "NP" or any other profession, you did not do a good job of explaining why you want to be a PA. Also, don't include anything in your essay that the committee can read on your application. It's just a waste of the 5000 character limit you have. Finally, you want someone to read this essay and say "damn! I want to meet this person!" so keep that in mind when you're writing. Be passionate!

 

Good luck!

 

Thank you for your advice! I don't have any healthcare experience, the closest I have to is that I was a pharmacy technician for 2 years. That's why I focus mainly on my jobs and my schooling in my paper.

[jsaldarr]

"I worked as hard as I could so that i was prepared for that test. I realized that all of my work that I put into that class wasn't going to be reflected in the grade that I received on the test."

 

Not sure if you're aware, but capitalize that third I before was. In my opinion, this is a good start and foundation.