First Draft, Secound Year---Help please

[iNeedsC8H10N4O2]

Please be brutal!

Personal Statement1.1.pdf

[lauren7409]

Your experience is definitely unique and will get you noticed. Overall your voice is well and you explained your a good candidate and why you like the profession. I would work on condensing it some of it is a little drawn out in my opinion. You have to remember they are reading thousands of these!!! You have 10-15 seconds to get their attention and want to finish the story and if it last more than 2-3 minutes they may get bored. I think if you condense it, it will be just as strong if not stronger. Also, in one of the final paragraphs you use the wording " I had begun to envy them" I would use words like admire or respect...Envy suggest anger or hatred. GOOD LUCK!

[iNeedsC8H10N4O2]

Thank you very much Newbie!

[iNeedsC8H10N4O2]

Sorry... Thank you lauren7409!

[aty001]

3rd paragraph you said "lesion" instead of "lesson"... at least I think it was meant to be lesson

 

you definitely need to cut it down; it has to be 5,000 characters including spaces and you are way over

I agree with cutting down the beginning story, make it just one paragraph; the first paragraph is almost pointless, you could just cut that down into one sentence and add it to the second paragraph. You could also take out the entire 5th paragraph too. Just in general, you don't need to go through every little detail of what happened. Sentences like "As Tom and I were going about our activities for the day, he asked how school was going and what my plans were." That sentence doesn't contribute to your essay. Since you have a character count limit, go through each of your sentences and ask yourself "is this telling the admissions committee why I want to be a PA, why I'd make a good PA, or do I know what a PA does? If the sentence doesn't answer any of these questions, take it out or reword it so it does.

 

You have good ideas and content, you just need to clean it up!

Good luck!

[jsaldarr]

Really good essay! As other people have said, just clean it up a bit!