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Draft #10000 critique please


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It was a late night at the hospital, where I work as a phlebotomist. The lab is assigned to draw labs on a patient who has came in for dialysis. Most of my coworkers were not excited to have this patient to them because, he wasn't known for his "great personality". I volunteered to draw his labs because I do not mind the challenge of getting people to laugh or smile when I tell them that I have to stick a needle in their arm and draw blood from them. I knock on his door, introduce myself and let him know I am here to draw blood. It is no surprise to me when he gives me an eye roll and stares blankly at the wall as I go about my routine. Before I leave I ask him "Is there anything I can get for you?" His eyes snapped to me, as if I was a shiny object in the dark. " Yes, I would like a cup of coffee with enough creamer in it to make it your skin color". I went to the nutrition room and came back with the hot beverage, "I got it as close as I could but sir, I am pretty white" I said jokingly. He smiled so big and laughed as if it was the funniest thing he had ever heard. I left his room in good spirits knowing I made him laugh. The next morning I came in early and asked how he was when another coworker had to draw him for am labs and that was where I was informed he passed in the night. I was stunned. All I could think was "I was just there". But after time I was satisfied with the small happy moment we shared, it was his last and I was apart of it .

 

Just like the small moment that patient and I shared, my desire of becoming a Physician Assistant  has been affirmed by many small moments like this one. After that experience I realize the importance of those small moments. Now, I ask every patient the same question before I leave the room and the moments shared are priceless. The Physician Assistant profession is full of those seemingly small moments where you have the opportunity to make an impact. I want to be apart of these impacts and provide patients with more than ordinary care but, quality care. Furthermore, another aspect that draws me to the Physician Assistant field is the transferability between specialties. This "perk" would give me the opportunity to be able to care for a more broad population whereas, physicians are often grounded to one specialty throughout their career. The Physician Assistant often is privileged with more one on one time with the patient, whether it be their own or their supervising physician's. This is usually because Physicians are too busy and are stretched thin across the spectrum. I want to take on cases where the patient is more than just a description on a piece of paper but rather a living breathing individual who needs someone to care.

 

My first encounter with a Physician Assistant was when I was volunteering at the hospital. I did not get to speak to her much other than a simple hello and smile as she went passed the desk. But watching her sit down and talk with patients and make them smile inspired me to do the same. I was amazed that she was able to see and treat patients without the physician standing next to her but rather near by if she needed to consult about a complicated case or problem. I found that this was intriguing because my job in the hospital is mainly independent with assistance if needed. When I first encountered this Physician Assistant I was very familiar with the field but unsure of what it really looked like in the "real world'. Later on I was able to shadow this Physician Assistant and her supervising Physician and one of my experiences included a rotation in robotic bariatric surgery in the Operating Room. The satisfaction I received just from observing made me excited to know that one day I could be participating in something like that.

 

Choosing to become a Physician Assistant is more than just a choice it is full of many small steps, long nights, sacrifices and most of all patient satisfaction. The profession is not for everyone due to it's challenges, but challenges are no stranger to me. After managing my time so I can work, attend school, shadow and volunteer I am ready to take on the rewarding challenge that the Physician Assistant career entails. In thought of the patient that passed unexpectedly passed I realize that the moments we share with our patients may be small, but they are precious. Now after working with patients for over a year I am grateful to be apart of their small moments because it was those that brought me to my biggest moment in my life and I am intent to succeed.

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Okay so I'm offering my true opinion, so please don't get discouraged. This is just my opinion and I am in no way a professional reviewer.

 

#1. As a reader this was pretty tough to get through. The beginning story is dragged out too much. You could make it a lot shorter and just get the point across. Remember the readers will read tons of essays, keep them engaged.

 

#2. I would recommend you leave comments regarding a supervising physician out of your essay. You don't want to open even a slight possibility that they take your comments as demeaning to the profession or as a source of comparison. Only mention positive reasons you want to be a PA not negative reasons why you don't want to be so and so.

 

#3. Talk about internal passion, willingness to learn, and commitment that you have towards becoming a good student. Explain things you have done that show this. You are trying to convince the reader that you will be a competent student well before a good PA.

 

#4. Grammar check, sentence structure, and essay structure needs some work overall. It doesn't quite flow, you'll need to reorganize in order to make it an easy read.

 

Good Luck!

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

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Should I just start over ? Or just condense and fix the sentence structure and add in my skills

I think that is completely up to you. In my opinion it's easier to start over and just take information from your current essay into it. It's all preference.

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Lauren, Thank you for your input on my essay, and I actually took your advice. I have a hard time in critiquing others because i know nothing about you as an individual, and the message you are trying to convey. I think the whether or not an admission "likes" your essay will greatly depend on who is reading it. I think you have a solid foundation of the point you are getting across. This is the first time I am applying, and pretty new to the site. See you around the forum

 

Louis

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I really liked your story in the beginning; It made me laugh (mostly because I'm super white so I could relate) but I think you could make it flow a little better. Focus on each individual sentence and think of a more creative or pretty way to write it. You could cut the first 3-4 sentences into one sentence; get to the important part which is your interaction with the patient. The last 2 sentences are rough to get through as well. You kind of write in a stream of consciousness form, like you're telling a friend this story, but it makes it really hard to read on paper. Maybe find someone how is an English major or good at writing and get them to help you out.

 

Stop capitalizing "physician assistant" and use PA more often. You don't have to write physician assistant out every time; it makes it harder to read anyway

 

Take the entire 3rd paragraph out. It's pointless. Instead, write about WHY you want to be a PA, because I did not gather that when I read that paragraph. State why you want to be a PA and give an example of what you've done to show it. For example, you like it because of the flexibility? Well how have you demonstrated this in your current job? Each sentence in your essay needs to convince the admissions committee to give you an interview, and right now many of them are rambling. You need to show more that you understand what a PA is, and I don't really get that from reading this essay. Also, your story in the beginning is cute and it gets my attention, but it doesn't have any other purpose; you should tie it back to the rest of your essay.

 

What helped me when I wrote mine was going through each of the schools websites that I was applying to and writing down the qualities they want in their students. I then found the ones that were most common throughout the schools I was applying to, picked 3-5 key qualities (teamwork, compassion, life long learner, etc.) and made sure that I had a story/stories that demonstrated those qualities in my essay. i would start each paragraph with the reason I wanted to be a PA and the follow it with an example of how I've demonstrated that characteristic in my job (ex: flexibility to change specialties, I've worked in multiple specialties and want to do that as a PA) and the story would show the qualities from the list that I made.

 

I know writing this essay is difficult; mine was absolute crap last year; but just keep working on it, keep reading other essays to get an idea of what you need to do; and DEFINITELY have other people read over it besides people on this forum! My dad and my boyfriend both are great writers (both are in business and have no clue about the healthcare field) and I've made them edit my essay at least 3 times each so far. I also sent it to an old professor of mine to critique my overall ideas in my essay. 

 

Good luck!

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