Final Draft, tear it apart.

[RArl01]

Made some edits from my previous post, any critiques welcomed: 

 

Walking into his home for the first time was one of the more nerve-wracking experiences of my life. It was the summer leading into my senior year of undergrad, and I was interviewing to begin working as a personal care giver for a C5 quadriplegic man in his mid-thirties, I’ll call him K.  I knocked on the door. Almost immediately, a voice rang out from within: “Come on in!”. I entered, and before me sat a man in a motorized wheelchair, a smile on his face. I extended my hand to greet him, but what met my hand was a fist, closed in paralytic contractures from his condition.  Embarrassed, I pulled away. “I apologize”, I said, “I didn’t realize...”. He laughed, “Don’t worry about it,” the smile still on his face. “It happens to everyone.” We began the interview, and within ten minutes of talking, I had the job.

Working with K was my first real encounter with direct patient contact, and learning to assist him with the activities of daily life was as daunting as it was informative. What I had never realized, and what no one could have taught me, was the intrusive feeling that comes with working as a care giver.  I was becoming a crucial part of this man’s life: assisting him with hygiene, bowel/catheter care, dressing, and countless other activities which would be impossible for him to perform on his own.  Did I belong there? Was I able to enter a stranger's life and care for their most personal needs? It was through this assumption that the true substance of patient care was made clear to me: trust.  K trusted me to be the person who was attentive to his needs and willing to carry them out without hesitation. As the weeks and months progressed, K and I grew closer, becoming friends.  Over this time, I realized that I wanted to share that bond of trust with every patient that I would have the privilege of encountering during my forthcoming career in the medical field. 

 

The adage goes that why you choose to do something is just as, if not more important, than what you choose to do.  Our intentions shape our reality, and this is a constant in any endeavor we pursue.  However, for the longest time, I didn't have the answer to this question; why am I on the path of medicine? What is my true motive for a career in healthcare? Nearing my senior year of undergrad studying biological sciences, I did not have a ready explanation to present that would justify, both to myself and those inquiring, my time studying into the early hours of the morning, family events missed, or foregone opportunities to spend time with friends. It has been my time working with K that has given me renewed purpose in my goal to work in the medical field, and a true passion for helping those who needed it most. After discussing it with him, it was K who encouraged me to pursue the path of a physician assistant(PA). 

 

However, while working with K had solidified my drive to become a clinician, it was working as an Emergency Department(ED) scribe that piqued my interest in becoming a PA. I had done research on the PA profession, but I was still unsure of the day-to-day role of a PA. To remedy this, I began to work as an ED scribe, and for the past year have been able to work directly with many ED PAs, in conjunction with physicians, nurse practitioners, and nurses.  I have seen the PAs I work with perform everything from multi-layer suturing procedures or reduction of complex fractures and dislocations, to managing strokes or treatment of complicated neurological presentations. Anything I had read about the profession being centered around “treating runny noses and coughs” was banished from my mind after a few short weeks of actually witnessing PAs in action. The way in which the PAs work autonomously, but with physicians present to collaborate with on complicated cases, is a position most appropriate to my own working style.  I know from my undergraduate studies and group projects that I perform best in that role: primarily independent, but with assistance as needed for complex scenarios, even if only to corroborate my initial plans.  

 

To me, however, the most valuable experience of my time working with the PAs in the ED has been to see the same trust that K and I shared displayed in the demeanors of so many ED patients the PAs and I would see. When discussing treatment options with patients, it has not been uncommon to hear: “Well, what do you think is best?”. The PAs I work with use that question to bring the patient into their place at the forefront of the medical team, taking the time to explain the risks, benefits, and alternatives of each treatment option in a way that the patient can understand. Through this, a bond of trust is created between the PA and the patient, affording them confidence in the ability of the PA to treat their symptoms. It is a trust that I experienced with K in my years working with him, and a trust that I hope to foster in my eventual career as a PA. 

[nds1111]

The first paragraph is choppy- punctuation - & don't start with "his house"- say K from beginning. But otherwise one of the most insightful statements I've read on this thread.

 

 

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[UCPA2018]

I would add a little more to the conclusion, tie it all together, to me it seems like an abrupt end.

[RArl01]

I would add a little more to the conclusion, tie it all together, to me it seems like an abrupt end.

I was thinking it was a little abrupt too. I'll make the changes, thank you!

[lauren7409]

I really liked it. Your writing is descriptive enough that I can actually visualize the story being told. I would like to see more at the ending as well. It is clear that you are a good candidate and understand the profession however, maybe more on what draws you to it personally and not just highlighting what they do.

[RArl01]

I really liked it. Your writing is descriptive enough that I can actually visualize the story being told. I would like to see more at the ending as well. It is clear that you are a good candidate and understand the profession however, maybe more on what draws you to it personally and not just highlighting what they do.

Thanks for your input! I'll take that into consideration and make some changes!