"I had never seen a dead body before, but there my father lay..." PA Personal Statement Rough Draft. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated

[Shannaya]

I had never seen a dead body before, but there my father lay stiff and lifeless at the bottom of our steps. One fall afternoon during winter break, I vividly remember my father saying to me “Shannaya, I don’t feel well.” Afterwards, I recall my father sliding head first down fourteen steps, in our home. His body was rigid and he was unresponsive. I shouted, “Dad, dad wake up” for what seemed like a million times until he finally awoke, disoriented and I immediately called 9-1-1. My father was taken to the hospital and diagnosed with ninety percent heart blockage.

 

It was during my volunteer work with the South Orange Rescue Squad (SORS) that I observed on of my most memorable emergency calls. We arrived on scene to a one family home and walked up the stairs with our equipment to find a 45-year-old male lying on the floor in a confused and disoriented state. The man was in a diabetic shock and had to be given an IV. I was so amazed at the immediate recovery of the patient once he received the medication. That moment sparked a desire in me to be a part of something that could have a huge impact in someone’s life, yet I was still struggling to discover my role.

 

After volunteering with the SORS for three years, I resigned and accepted a position at Saint Barnabas Medical Center as a Patient Access Representative. I thought to myself this has no relation to the direct patient care experience that I sought though volunteering. However, one Saturday afternoon, a patient walked into the office and sat at my desk. I proceeded to register her and she suddenly stopped talking, her head fell backwards and she began to shake uncontrollably. I called for assistance. I wanted to help, but the only thing I could do was standby and let the professionals do their jobs.

 

In an effort to gain more patient care experience, I transferred to the Emergency Department as a Clinical Assistant. During my time spent working in the emergency department I was introduced to the PA profession. While working in the acute care section of the emergency department I was given the opportunity to assist a PA with the placement of a central venous catheter for a critical patient. Working alongside physician assistants, nurse practitioners and physicians give me the ability to see the role each provider plays. (Need to sum this all up and tie everything together).

 

Working as a Patient Care Technician at Overlook Medical Center taught to me to appreciate the simple things in life. I am able to assist patients with the daily living activities, which they are no longer capable of doing themselves. Seeing a patient progress from being in a coma on a ventilator to awake and talking brings so much joy and happiness to my heart. Until this day I still remember trying to fight back tears as one of my patients began to sob and asked me where her baby was, all I could do was hold her hand and wipe her tears away. All my patients have driven me to work harder.

 

While working in the Intensive Care Unit I was given the opportunity to shadow a vascular PA. This reaffirmed that becoming a PA was the right profession for me. I loved watching her interact with patients, family members, and staff. She explained complicated medical terminology so the patients and their family could understand. After talking with the patients she took out their charts, documented and sent a text message; she informed me that a physician oversees her work. In that moment I was impressed by the vast amount of responsibility and trust vested in her by the attending physician.

[paproof]

Great introduction, but pretty big transition between 1st and 2nd paragraph.  And you might consider proving why specifically you want to be a PA. 

[MeredithD]

I agree, you need to paint a bigger picture of who you are. You seem to mention experiences but nothing else.