third and possibly final draft

[kac208]

Applied! Thanks for your help :)

[Topsy]

You have a writing style that's easy to read, and I get a small sense of who you are. There's some parts where you could really benefit from showing rather than telling. Nothing too elaborate! Just show us how Angie as able to connect and describe how she was able to put PTs at ease. Was it a hug or holding the pt's hand? Did she remember little details about pts' lives that others would forget? That kinda thing.

 

I think what I liked best about your PS is mentioning how Angie would ask "what are your goals." That is a really great opportunity that you're missing! I mean, isn't that a perfect segue for you to talk about your goals?!? Think deeper, past the general goal of "I want to be a PA" to what type of PA you want to be. Show us the type of PA you could be with quick little anecdotes. Frankly, the story about braiding hair and red lipstick was boring and too long. If you want to keep it in, cut it down to 2 sentences tops. You said that PAs are confident, so throw in something like "from scientific knowledge and the hands on skills gained from a PA program , I know I'll be able to make diagnoses and clinical decisions with assurance." Do the same thing where you describe that PAs have strength and compassion. By addressing very specific goals for yourself, it will show insight and maturity, leading to a stronger conclusion and an overall more meaningful PS.

[iseewholewheat]

I agree with Topsy, the whole paragraph about Mrs. Smith is unnecessary.  While I know that you were trying to show that you can connect with patients and take initiative, it sounds like fluff.  I would be a little more concise and direct in your language  when speaking about your future and goals.  Good luck!

[ohsnapPA]

^I actually liked the Mrs. Smith paragraph...I think it's more effective to show, rather than explicitly tell how you interact with patients. I encourage you to write in this kind of style about your ending statements including "teamwork" and "I know that despite having the same diagnosis, every individual is unique regarding his or her needs and wishes" and make these separate body paragraphs

 

I do feel like this is an improvement since your last PS with the transitions, but I still think there is a lot of "fluff" that you could get rid of and concise...especially 1st and 2nd paragraph. For the beginning, I feel like you shouldn't highlight your job interview and offer, and instead focus on a more pivotal moment in your life that pushed you as a PA.