First draft, all criticism appreciated!

[douglas]

Submitted! Thank you!

[douglas]

bump

[lanime]

Douglas,

 

 

You are off to a good start! I listed a couple of recommendations below... please keep in mind I am in no way an expert on this!

 

First, use physician assistant once followed by the abbreviation, then use PA through the rest of the PS.  Example: physician assistant (PA).

 

In your intro, I would recommend simplifying it a bit by removing this sentence and instead just telling the story of you translating (all the little insignificant details can make the story confusing and can lose a readers interest).

 

"The resident thanked me, but told me he was going to try to find somebody that spoke Vietnamese more comfortably than I was able to."

 

 

In this sentence, I would remove the "Yet" and just write that the experience left you wanting more.

 

"Yet, I wanted more."

 

 

This sentence is a little awkward, try simplifying it.:

 

"After shadowing physician assistants in various specialties, I believe that the role of a PA in the health care team is similar to that of a teacher."

 

 

Here, I would find a different word for "passing" (always think of an active voice...ie, commitment to teaching others)

 

"I believe my eagerness to learn and commitment to passing knowledge onto others will be apparent as a PA student"

 

 

Finally, your ending could use a little more strength. I feel like you sort of trailed off.

 

 

Overall, I like how you show through interesting examples why you want to be a PA and what you have done to prepare. You seem to have some great experience and understand the role of the PA. Keep re-writing it and trying different things and I'm sure you will come up with a great PS.  And if you have a writing center available to you, they can make recommendations and assist with grammer. 

 

Good luck and I lood forward to reading your final draft!