Topics for a rough first draft..

adev · December 18, 2014

So, I have definitely not put in the final touches of my first draft. I want feedback on whether these topics or words I use are too boring or cliche. After writing them, I am feeling very negative about how this is going to turn out. :/ Thanks for your help guys!

No one really knows that they want to be when they grow up. It may change from week-to-week or even year-to-year, but once they go to a certain place or meet certain people, it has an immediate effect on that decision. For me, it started in high school when I volunteered in my local hospital’s gift shop with my cousin. Yes, of course it got pretty boring some days, but it turned into me enjoying being in a hospital. I got to meet and talk to nurses as well as some doctors when they came in occasionally. It made me realize that hospitals should not be a place where people do not want to go. A friend of mine told me he hated being in hospitals (and other health care facilities) because it reminded him of death. They give me a sense of hope. The first person you want to see when you get sick is a health care provider. The ill person’s hope of getting better relies on that provider.

For my job, I get asked for help by the people who I work for. These people rely on me for anything and everything, and I would not have it any other way. Although all of these people have mental disabilities and some physical impairments, they trust me with helping them. One young man who cannot speak and was previously abused smiles at me every time I walk in the door, and it is the greatest feeling in the world. My coworkers play rock-paper-scissors to see who will change his diaper, but I always volunteer willingly. I am just happy knowing that he will get the best care with me being responsible.

My GPA has decreased since I transferred from a state university to a private liberal arts college. However, I have also learned how to learn instead of just how to get good grades. Before, getting a 4.0 was my biggest accomplishment. Now, I do worry about what grade I receive but am more worried about understanding the material and applying it to the real world. I believe this will greatly benefit me at PA school.

Another reason why my GPA dropped when I transferred was because I became a member of the golf team and had no sense of time management. Balancing school and sports was a very hard thing to do because I thought there was no free time to do my homework. After a year of learning how to efficiently use my time, I have greatly improved my GPA while also holding a part-time job. Golf did not only help me with time efficiency, but it is also a great lesson about working as an individual that is part of a team. For golf, you do not play as a team; rather you play by yourself with members from other schools. Your team is not there to hold your hand or help you out. However, once the round is over, your score counts along with your teammates.

DiggySRNA · December 18, 2014

Hello!

I'll give my thoughts in order of each presenting paragraph.

Omit the first two sentences. Start with It (define what it is; wanting to be involved in healthcare?) during High School when I volunteered...

This is focusing more about what healthcare has to offer the general public and less about who you are, what you'd like to accomplish, and why you're even pursuing medicine. Use specifics so your audience can paint an illustration of who you are and whether you fit the image of a healthcare provider. It's a bit cliche because there are tons of applications out there with the same themed essay (read the ones on here you'll see what I'm talking about). Try to find something that makes you one of a kind or... rarely heard of.

2. What is your job? My imagination is very creative so I can think of two jobs that are way out there haha. This entire paragraph is odd for some reason. When you said "these people" who? Your coworkers or patients? This sounds really informal, like writing like how you speak. Then relate how this experience molded you into a mature caring individual.

I think you can build upon this topic if you are willing to spend tons of hours, weeks, or even months writing and rewriting your thoughts.

3. No...stay away from making this a topic in itself. Spend too much time on your poor performance without including how you've grown and you're doomed. Give it a sentence or two to explain how you've learned to prioritize tasks then shift your audience's attention from the negatives.

4. Again...don't use this. Use this space (744 characters) to talk about you...your experience...life struggles, achievements, goals etc.

Hope this is enough help.

dndandrea · December 19, 2014

I'm a little confused by the transition from volunteering at the local hospital gift shop to changing diapers. I'm assuming you didn't change diapers as a gift shop worker, but you never mentioned what it was you did so it's a bit confusing to me. The relationship between golf and teamwork are complete opposites in my opinion as everyone thinks of golf as a non-team sport (yes I understand you add up points). I think overall it seems pretty genuine, and that's what admissions committee are probably after. It still needs a lot of work but you have the right idea.

adev · December 19, 2014

Thanks guys! I really appreciate you helping me out, and I have taken points from both of your responses to help me write my official first rough draft :)