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Revised but still rough. Help!


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The sun had been shining down on us for countless hours. Sweat pouring down our faces as we mixed cement and sawed pieces of wood. Tired and hungry, our energy began to fade; we longed for a break but I knew he’d be home soon. He came on his bicycle, riding up the hill and past the gate with a backpack full of mangos for the whole team. No longer did I need a break from the unrelenting sun or the countless hours of back-breaking work – Augustine, who turned out to be my whole reason for being here in Panama with Public Health Brigade, was smiling back at me. This eleven-year-old boy would ride his bicycle uphill everyday just to keep us company as we built a compost latrine for his new home. He made all the hard work and struggle worth every moment with laughter and smiles. I was there to help him but he has helped me more than I could have ever imagined.

For much of my time in Stony Brook University, I was under the impression that I would continue on to pharmacy school. I had been working as a pharmacy technician to gain a better understanding of the health care field and thought I would just continue in pharmacy. I have learned a great deal from working in the pharmacy such as caring for patients and working with a team.

Although I had been working at the pharmacy for years, I always felt as though something was missing. I was not motivated to become a pharmacist, and it was not until my seven day trip to Panama and my time with Augustine that I realized what I was missing: pharmacy contained my love for science but not my passion for people. I was in search of a path that would allow me to take care of someone in need through a health care profession. I desired a career that would allow me to work in a team to provide the best patient care. Becoming a physician assistant encompasses everything I had desired.

I immediately began volunteering at North Shore LIJ Hospital to gain that personal connection that I had been longing for. After just one day of shadowing a PA, it was clear to me that this is where I belong. On my first day of shadowing, the PA administered a stress test to a patient who had been a heavy smoker for over twenty years. She was required to walk on a treadmill and after a few minutes she began to struggle. The PA immediately jumped on the back of the treadmill to support her with words of encouragement, promising that he would not let her fall. At the end of the test she claimed, “I couldn’t do it without you.” This is exactly what has motivated me to pursue the PA profession. I made a strong, personal connection with Augustine that encouraged and allowed me to do things I never would have thought I was capable of achieving. Being a PA will give me this same interpersonal connection with patients inspiring me to go above and beyond to help them.

Being from an immigrant family, I have been exposed to many of the harsh conditions that come tied with Central America’s third world environment.  Stepping into what was four pieces of standing two by fours and metal sheets layered across the top which my grandmother and her family of six would call home made me realize how seriously underprivileged people can be. At the same time seeing my father who already filed for two bankruptcies was still convincing his mother-in-law that he would even work harder to move them into a place they could really call a home was heart-warming. Through my family and through their struggle I have learned to appreciate what I do have but also strive to provide for those who may not be as fortunate as we may be. This is why I am here, to take advantage of this opportunity to become a well-educated health care professional and be able to treat people with care and compassion. 

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  • 2 months later...

OVerall, nice essay but could use some edits. For example-- the first paragraph has a lot of sentence fragments and could flow much more smoothly (the second sentence is actually not even a sentence). The second and third paragraph could be combined. The last paragraph could be refined and if there is anything you would like to add as a reapplicant you may be able to fit it in here. Try reading the entire essay out loud to yourself and then read it out loud to someone else and the weird spots will jump out at you. 

Like I said, this is a nice essay overall, make sure you have made some changes to your application overall for a 2nd time applicant. Sometimes all it takes the 2nd time is wearing a more admin savvy outfit to interview. :) 

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  • 1 month later...
 


The sun had been shining down on us for countless hours. Sweat was pouring down our faces as we mixed cement and sawed pieces of wood. Tired and hungry, our energy began to fade; we longed for a break but I knew he'd be home soon. He came on his bicycle, riding up the hill and past the gate with a backpack full of mangos for the whole team. No longer did I need a break from the unrelenting sun or the countless hours of back-breaking work - Augustine, who turned out to be my whole reason for being here in Panama with Public Health Brigade, was smiling back at me. This eleven-year-old boy would ride his bicycle uphill everyday just to keep us company as we built a compost latrine for his new home. He made all the hard work and struggle worth every moment with laughter and smiles. I was there to help him but he has helped me more than I could have ever imagined.


For much of my time in Stony Brook University, I was under the impression that I would continue on to pharmacy school. I had been working as a pharmacy technician to gain a better understanding of the health care field and thought I would just continue in pharmacy. I have learned a great deal from working in the pharmacy such as caring for patients and working with a team.


Although I had been working at the pharmacy for years, I always felt as though something was missing. I was not motivated to become a pharmacist, and it was not until my seven day trip to Panama and my time with Augustine that I realized what I was missing: pharmacy contained my love for science but not my passion for people. I was in search of a path that would allow me to take care of someone in need through a health care profession. I desired a career that would allow me to work in a team to provide the best patient care. Becoming a physician assistant encompasses everything I had desired.


When I returned from Panama, I immediately began volunteering at North Shore LIJ Hospital to gain that personal connection that I had been longing for. After just one day of shadowing a PA, it was clear to me that this is where I belonged. On my first day of shadowing, the PA administered a stress test to a patient who had been a heavy smoker for over twenty years. She was required to walk on a treadmill and after a few minutes she began to struggle. The PA immediately jumped on the back of the treadmill to support her with words of encouragement, promising that he would not let her fall. At the end of the test she claimed, "I couldn't do it without you." This is exactly what has motivated me to pursue the PA profession. I made a strong, personal connection with Augustine that encouraged and allowed me to do things I never would have thought I was capable of achieving. Being a PA will give me this same interpersonal connection with patients inspiring me to go above and beyond to help them.


In the past year I have been continuing my education and have been lucky to find a great opportunity to learn more about health care while taking care of patients. I have been working at Cure Urgent Care as a Patient Champion and am proud to say I have been promoted to Chief Scribe. Through this unique program with Scribe America, I am able to care for patients coming into the facility on a personal, hands on level. I am able to assist amazing doctors, and together we give each patient the care and attention they need. Every moment is a learning opportunity and I take full advantage of this opportunity. Most importantly, I am able to do what I am passionate about and take care of the patient. There is nothing more rewarding than calling a patient to check on their progress and hear that they are doing well.


Through my family and through their struggle I have learned to appreciate what I have and also strive to provide for those who may not be as fortunate. Being from an immigrant family, I have been exposed to many of the harsh conditions that come tied with Central America's third world environment. I have seen my father, who worked relentlessly to provide for us, promise my grandmother that he would work even harder to provide for her as well and give her a proper home. He has taught me the value of helping others and the joy it can bring. This is why I am here, to take advantage of this opportunity to become a well-educated health care professional and be able to treat people with care and compassion.


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This might show how super lame I am at obsessing over PS, but I totally remember this PS from last year. And, if that intro and that anecdote didn't get you in last year, I'm confused as to why you would pretty much submit the same thing the following application period. Perhaps you should try a different angle?

 

a) I've always worked really hard and gotten what I've wanted, but the rejection from last year really made me think....

b) After the rejection from last year, I had time to reflect... and here is why I am a stronger candidate this year....

c) Despite being rejected last year, I am determined to become a PA. Whether it takes one, two, or 12 times, this is a life long goal for me and here is why....

 

To be perfectly honest, I didn't read your entire PS this time around. I read the first few sentences, realized I already knew the story, skipped to the end and wasn't enthused enough to go back and read the middle. I would consider trying an entirely different direction, but that is only my 2 cents. You should definitely ask Pa Admissions staff what they think when someone submits a PS that is strikingly similar to what he/she submitted last year. If it's expected, pretty much ignore everything I've said. If they seem hesitant, hinting at they'd love to see something new, something with growth and maturity, then perhaps it's time to start over.

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I totally agree with Topsy. The purpose of the opening is to get the attention of the reader and I am really tired of PSs that start out like a cheap novel. Any one of Topsy's suggested opening sentences would get my attention because they suggest that I am about to get some real introspection. I want to learn something about you, the candidate. I really don't care about you sweating in the sun and then eating mangoes and it's a real stretch to suggest that a non clinical volunteer trip to Panama inspired you to become a PA.

 

Sent from my KFAPWI using Tapatalk

 

 

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  • 2 weeks later...

topsy: 

 

what happened last time around was that i applied extremely late, I basically applied when most programs were already closed. The feedback that i got from the programs i did apply to was that it was too late when i did, so thats basically why im using the same ps just slightly modified. I totally get what youre saying tho and will try to add that in. 

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