Looking for some harsh critiques on my personal statement. Any advice is helpful :)

[mlsw]

Many young girls grow up playing Betty Crocker by baking cookies in their Easy-Bake ovens. I, however, grew up watching my grandfather run his medical practice and pretending to take care of patients of my own. My family is filled with nurses, doctors, and pharmacists, and they helped to spark my interest in medicine. I was intrigued by the medical field from a young age, but when my great aunt was diagnosed with breast cancer, my interest turned into passion. 

 

A career in the medical field is not about money, it is about purpose. It is about my purpose. I feel very strongly that everyone should have a passion or goal in life, even if that goal is against the odds. My goal is to change lives. I know this is not Miss America, and while I do wish for world peace, I am a realist. Furthermore, I know the things in life I can control and those that I cannot. I cannot control who gets sick and who does not, but I can control how those that are sick are treated in my care. I can control the way their delicate needs are handled when they feel the weight of the world is on their shoulders. 

 

You cannot simply will passion into a profession such as a Physician Assistant. I started college as a Biology major. However, after my first psychology course I became interested in the the emotional aspect of medicine and how it intertwines with the physical health of an individual. I soon declared Psychology as my major. While balancing my psychology courses with chemistry and biology, I managed to hold down a full time job, be an active member in a sorority, and volunteer at the hospital. These activities taught me how to prioritize and multitask efficiently. Multitasking is often an attribute that is overlooked, but at the end of the day being able to balance family, friends, school, work, health, and your sanity is the most important component to success.

 

This carried over into my work experience as a volunteer surgical second assistant and a patient care partner. My experience with these jobs not only strengthened my multitasking and prioritizing skills, but also exposed me to the medical field firsthand. They showed me how humbling and rewarding patient care can be. There is no feeling like the one you get when you make someone who feels miserably sick smile. In that moment, if even just for that moment, they feel a little bit better. This is the kind of Physicians Assistant that I want to be, someone that can bring hope and laughter to a field that I believe needs it the most.

[Cbly4735]

I enjoyed reading your personal statement. I would just advise you that the sentence "I, however, grew up watching my grandfather run his medical practice and pretending to take care of patients of my own" sort of confused me. I thought you were saying that your grandfather was pretending to take care of people. (Crazy I know). Just keep in mind that you are writing for other people and not necessarily yourself. What you believe that you're expressing may not be received by the reader as such. I would also include what you will/can bring to the profession if chosen to matriculate in a program. I think this is a GREAT start and with another edit or 2 can be your ticket to PA school! Please say more about your volunteer experience. Being a volunteer surgical assistant isn't a commonality and could win you brownie points!

C.B.

[arosswoods]

It seems like the second paragraph is full of incomplete ideas. You could probably separate them out and explain what you mean and end up adding length and substance to the essay. You mention your aunt but don't flesh out the story. You mention passion but don't tell of how that passion has been demonstrated. In you volunteer work you probably have had experiences that show your commitment so you don't have to say it. I would tell about the humbling and rewarding aspects of patient care that you have seen right now it reads as a list, a little preachy and full of generalities. I can tell you have more to say but I think it needs to be more personal and gracious to stand out.

[mlsw]

Thank you all so much! I definitely do not want to sound preachy. I'll be working on my second draft tonight so your critiques are incredibly helpful. 

 

OH and keep them coming!! :)