This is my first draft, if your honest rebuke would lead me to the right part, please don't hesitate. I need you!

[Lady K]

          I came outside the balcony of our little apartment to do laundry for my father who needed the clothes to go to work the next day. We lived in the kind of apartments that your balcony faces your neighbor’s balcony as well. Growing up in the rural area of South East of Nigeria was not much of a fun story to tell. The sun was in its intensity. The atmosphere was so quiet as if the birds were afraid to sing. I brought out everything I needed, sat down and began to hand wash. Just as I held the second shirt to scrub the neckline, I heard a thundering noise from my neighbor’s house and I rushed in to know what was wrong with her. Initially, she was in tears and could not say exactly what was wrong. I was only fourteen years old then to realize that she was in labor. I have seen it in the movies but never actually experienced one. I watched her as she struggled in tears to make her way through the bathroom and sank herself in the warm water she prepared earlier. I offered to call for a cab to rush her to the hospital, but she waived her hand in the air as a sign not to bother. I couldn’t leave her alone, but I wasn’t prepared to encounter what was ahead of me.

          She continued screaming in pain and I offered my hand as comfort. I never knew giving your hand to a woman in labor especially when you have a smaller hand than she does is not really the best idea. I thought my brain was going to shrink as she continued to squeeze my hand. The agony in her eyes was worse than the pain in my hand. I squatted in front of her and she told me what to do. When I saw the baby’s head coming out, I immediately froze for couple of minutes. Her screams brought me back to reality. I wanted to run away and call other women that were more experienced than I am, but she wouldn’t let me. She pleaded I should not leave her alone in that bathroom. The moment the baby came out; there was silence in the room. She tapped the baby to make him cry, but there was no sound. She had a stillbirth. I looked at the lifeless precious tiny body and felt a sudden thrust through my heart.  That night, at my family dinner, I learned that it was lack of finances that there was never a medical checkup or even to go to hospital for delivery. After my brief experience that day and what I learned of the couple, I decided that I never wanted to feel that helpless in an emergency setting ever again.

         In my senior year in High School, I was looking forward to studying medicine in one of the best universities in Nigeria. That dream was elevated when I got my visa to travel to United States. I migrated to U.S.A in 2004 and hoping to get into University when I arrive. I was met with disappointment when I found out that I was going back to high school due to my age. I didn’t understand why I should be sent two years back in high school because I was sixteen when I was already almost through with high school back in my country. I agreed it was only two years and I will still head for University. Unfortunately, the High School I attended did not prepare me for college. Instead, I felt stripped of the knowledge I had from my home country and was left with emptiness to go into University.

         I didn’t do so well while in University because of my lack of background knowledge in some of the science courses. In my third year, I switched my program from premed to women’s and gender studies. I wanted to study areas in women’s health and reproduction. I took couple of health classes including reproduction classes, areas in women’s health, the effect of religion on women’s health and issues and also did my six months internship at a domestic violence center before I graduated. With my BA degree, I wanted to incorporate it in the medical field and build my knowledge more in medicine.            

        As a college graduate, I worked as a counselor in an adoption agency which is designed to help many young girls that were pregnant, had children go back to school and help them with their career path. I also had a job as a real estate agent that allowed me to meet a wide range of personalities.  Both of these jobs had helped me with opportunities to connect with people from all works of life. These jobs also helped me to develop communication skills, learned to gain trust from my clients and taught me how to be reliable. These skills have proven useful in my current medical career and surely will help me greatly when I become a Physician Assistant.

        As a Dialysis Technician, I had the opportunity to communicate with PAs frequently and worked alongside with them in providing the best care for our patients. I find it intriguing at the roles the Physician Assistant play in working independently and also as a team with Physicians and nurses in decision making to provide the best quality care necessary for patients. 

With my educational background and my past career paths, I would have loved to stay happy providing care at my current job. However, I was not satisfied just being a technician, I wanted to be more than a technician and fulfill my dream of playing a role in women’s health. I enrolled in school to take prerequisites courses for Physician Assistant program. I want to become a Physician Assistant because of its flexibility in specializing in more than one field, which would provide more opportunities for growth and exploration.   

         I often look back and reflect on my journey from my country to United States and my past experiences that have led me to where I am today. I have made mistakes in my past especially in my educational path, but not withstanding, I have refused to allow my past experiences to be an obstacle in my future. I know that becoming a Physician Assistant would open many doors of opportunities and I intend upon completing a Physician Assistant program, to dedicate myself in the women’s healthcare as well as have other opportunities to grow. Best of all, I will have the opportunity not just working or observing Physician Assistants, but be a part of the team as a Physician Assistant in decision makings to provide the quality care for patients. 

[arosswoods]

This essay has great content and a lot of grammatical errors. Find a patient, knowledgeable friend to help with that. Some thoughts are started but not followed through. Best of luck.

[Lady K]

Thank you so much, I will definitely do that. Great feedback

[ashek568]

I agree, some sentences are choppy. Also some things are repetitive and have unneeded excess information.

"migrated to U.S.A in 2004 and hoping to get into University when I arrive."

"into University" isn't the correct way of saying what you are trying to say. "Into a university" would be better.

 

"I came outside the balcony of our little apartment to do laundry for my father who needed the clothes to go to work the next day. We lived in the kind of apartments that your balcony faces your neighbor’s balcony as well."

These sentences can be shortened and you need to get rid of unnecessary information, such as you don't need to say that you were washing your clothes for your father for work. Also the way you talk about the balcony int he first sentence and then the second sentence as well, doesn't make sense. 

Concise it more, something along the lines of how you stepped out onto your balcony to do laundry and maybe one more small piece of information. The fact that your balcony faces your neighbors balcony is irrelevant. If you are trying to prove/say that the apartments are close together, then you can maybe say that your apartment was small and in close quarters/space to the neighboring apartments.

 

I agree with the advice from acrosswoods above that you need to do some major repairs with grammar and the way your words flow.

 

Talk more about why you want to be a physician assistant and what it means to you.

Good luck!