Personal Statement. Any advice would be appreciated!!! Thank you :)

[RockyR]

I have not written an essay in a while so any advice would be much appreciated. Thanks in advance for your help!!

 

 

            According to the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development, premature birth is one of the leading causes of infant mortality in the United States and it occurs in about twelve percent of all pregnancies in this country.  In addition to the risk of death, preterm babies are more likely to face lifelong health problems, including: Cerebral Palsy, breathing problems, vision and hearing loss, feeding and digestive problems, and intellectual disabilities (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention).  Having been born eight weeks premature I faced all of these risks and because of the outstanding healthcare I received I am here to talk about it today.

            I have wanted to practice medicine for as long as I can remember and I attribute my initial passion for healthcare to my early life experiences. For example, when I was seven years old my parents were told that I was going to require a PDA closure to fix a complication of premature birth. Surgical procedures are scary for anyone, especially those involving the heart, but it was a lot to take on as a first grader. Luckily the staff at St. Louis Children’s Hospital made my weeklong stay a positive experience by allowing me to get a glimpse at the world of medicine. The doctors and nurses let me listen to heart and lung sounds with a stethoscope, look at my heart on the echo Doppler, and they also drew simple diagrams to try and help me learn about the heart.  It was during this time that I developed an interest in becoming a healthcare provider and I told my pediatrician I was going to grow up and practice medicine just like her.  

            Even though I was so young when I decided that I wanted to pursue a career in medicine the influence of my early life events has carried into my adult life and I still have a passion for helping others. I started volunteering at a hospital my senior year of high school and have been involved in the healthcare field ever since. In fact, St. Louis Children’s Hospital made such a strong impact on my life during my surgery as a child that I decided to return there one summer as a counselor for a camp for children born with heart defects, Camp Rhythm. As a former cardiac patient I was able to develop a close relationship with all of my campers who were current patients at Children’s Hospital and make a strong impact on each of their lives.

            Besides volunteering, I also obtained a position as a scribe in the emergency department in order to further develop my understanding of the role physicians and physician assistants fulfill in the medical community. My time as a scribe was one of the most influential aspects of my journey to becoming a healthcare provider and confirmed my desire to become a physician assistant. In addition to identifying the role physician assistants play in the medical field, I have had exposure to multiple physical examinations, I have become fluent in medical terminology, and I feel confident in my ability to write a history of present illness.  Furthermore, my work as a scribe has exposed me to clinical decision-making and I have become familiar with the breadth of medical illness, how a medical provider examines the patient, what testes are ordered, and how differential diagnoses and patient disposition is made.

            My life has prepared me for a career as a physician assistant and I believe I have a good understanding of what it means to be a healthcare provider.  I have a natural desire to care for people and I believe becoming a physician assistant will allow me to offer the most to those who need help. 

[JohnnyM2]

I have not written an essay in a while so any advice would be much appreciated. Thanks in advance for your help!!

 

 

According to the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development, premature birth is one of the leading causes of infant mortality in the United States and it occurs in about twelve percent of all pregnancies in this country. In addition to the risk of death, preterm babies are more likely to face lifelong health problems, including: Cerebral Palsy, breathing problems, vision and hearing loss, feeding and digestive problems, and intellectual disabilities (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention). Having been born eight weeks premature I faced all of these risks and because of the outstanding healthcare I received I am here to talk about it today.

I have wanted to practice medicine for as long as I can remember and I attribute my initial passion for healthcare to my early life experiences. For example, when I was seven years old my parents were told that I was going to require a PDA closure to fix a complication of premature birth. Surgical procedures are scary for anyone, especially those involving the heart, but it was a lot to take on as a first grader. Luckily the staff at St. Louis Children’s Hospital made my weeklong stay a positive experience by allowing me to get a glimpse at the world of medicine. The doctors and nurses let me listen to heart and lung sounds with a stethoscope, look at my heart on the echo Doppler, and they also drew simple diagrams to try and help me learn about the heart. It was during this time that I developed an interest in becoming a healthcare provider and I told my pediatrician I was going to grow up and practice medicine just like her.

Even though I was so young when I decided that I wanted to pursue a career in medicine the influence of my early life events has carried into my adult life and I still have a passion for helping others. I started volunteering at a hospital my senior year of high school and have been involved in the healthcare field ever since. In fact, St. Louis Children’s Hospital made such a strong impact on my life during my surgery as a child that I decided to return there one summer as a counselor for a camp for children born with heart defects, Camp Rhythm. As a former cardiac patient I was able to develop a close relationship with all of my campers who were current patients at Children’s Hospital and make a strong impact on each of their lives.

Besides volunteering, I also obtained a position as a scribe in the emergency department in order to further develop my understanding of the role physicians and physician assistants fulfill in the medical community. My time as a scribe was one of the most influential aspects of my journey to becoming a healthcare provider and confirmed my desire to become a physician assistant. In addition to identifying the role physician assistants play in the medical field, I have had exposure to multiple physical examinations, I have become fluent in medical terminology, and I feel confident in my ability to write a history of present illness. Furthermore, my work as a scribe has exposed me to clinical decision-making and I have become familiar with the breadth of medical illness, how a medical provider examines the patient, what testes are ordered, and how differential diagnoses and patient disposition is made.

My life has prepared me for a career as a physician assistant and I believe I have a good understanding of what it means to be a healthcare provider. I have a natural desire to care for people and I believe becoming a physician assistant will allow me to offer the most to those who need help.

Lose the first paragraph. It's a lecture on premature birth and really doesn't relate to you until the last sentence, and the subject of your premature birth is introduced just fine in the second paragraph. Paragraph 2 is ok but not terribly convincing as you were so young at the time. Paragraph 3 is good and so is paragraph 4 but it would be so much better if you had some anecdotes about your time as a scribe and how it influenced you. "...what testes are ordered" is an unfortunate misspelling since testes is an actual anatomical term that means something else. Paragraph 5 is weak. You SAY your life has prepared you to be a PA and that you know what it means to be a healthcare provider but you don't really SHOW it. For the most part, grammar, punctuation, spelling, and vocabulary are fine but you aren't convincing and your writing lacks passion. I would really like to see something like, "Whenever I scribed for Dr. Jones, he would challenge me to offer a diagnosis or suggest scans or labs I would request and why. Or sometimes he would ask me the most common causes of X or how I could rule out a diagnosis of Y. I found myself reading various emergency medicine manuals to try to be ready for his next question." Things like that show your interest and passion in a very personal way. Perhaps you have an anecdote from Camp Rythm. Did you ever actually observe a PA? Did they say or do anything memorable? Those are all the kinds of things that stand out in a personal statement.

I would give your PS a C+ overall because it just isn't memorable.

 

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[Jack_Sheridan]

You can make it more engaging but adding the informal touch! But there is no denying..it is written is a brilliant way. Make it a bit more lengthy. 

[Guest Bobo1042]

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[paproof]

I agree, lose the first paragraph completely.