PA Narrative, please advise!!!!

[sarak]

hello all my PA peeps! need to submit, please edit and give any advice! not done with the conclusion, any advice on how to conclude would be great!!! please read and give me your two cents! any and all advice would be splendid! 

 

 

 

 

 

There wasn't too much blood, just enough to make me nervous. The young boy’s mother was standing next to me like a hawk, making certain I was giving her child the utmost care and attention. I wish I had the ability to do more for him. He was a good kid, quiet while I cleaned the small gash on his forehead, squeamish from the rubbing alcohol, but otherwise behaved. I looked at his mother and said, “Take him to urgent care just to make sure there was no concussion and that he won’t need stiches.” I could see the concern for her child in her eyes, I looked at the young boy, and he seemed more fascinated in what was behind the pharmacy doors than the wound I had just covered with a band aid. I chuckled a bit and told her he seemed to be over the injury and is ready to for another adventure. She smiled, and thanked me for my help. My other customers watched as I picked up the band aid wrappers and bloodied tissues, waiting patiently for me to return to my post.

Working as a pharmacy technician, I was able to gain many different rewarding skills, however if I were to choose just one, I would choose the compassion I gained for those who were ill. We were a heavy flow pharmacy filling almost 400 prescriptions a day, with little technician hours allotted to us. Working an average of 35 hours a week sometimes more or less, I had little time to study, thus resulting in an unsatisfactory GPA. However, with time after graduation, I was able to reflect upon my academic past, and I can say without a doubt I have learned from my mistakes, and I am excited to prove to myself my capabilities as not just an excellent student, but an exemplary PA. As a pharmacy technician I gained insight into the drug aspect of practicing medicine, however I found myself imagining what it was like to be on the other side of it, so I decided to explore my curiosity and quickly found a physician to shadow. When the day came, I was beyond nervous, I was afraid of sounding unintelligent or misinformed; however it was when I stepped into the operating room that I realized this is where I wanted to be. The doctor introduced me to the staff, which included nurses and technicians. However there was one man that was introduced to me that caught my attention, a PA. At the time I had no insight into what a PA was or what the profession entailed.  Throughout the triple bypass I stood over the patients head and looked into his open chest cavity and from then on, I was hooked. When the experience was over, I had realized there was more to medicine than the usual doctors, nurses and pharmacists.  When I arrived home, immediately I submerged myself in researching what a physician assistant was. Upon researching, I discovered the fluidity of the field, and appreciated how wonderful it must be to spend a good amount of time each PA spends with their patents. They take their time and show the patient they are the priority, not a quota they need to fill. I decided this is what I wanted to do, this is my goal.

Even though I have had all these wonderful experiences, the driving force for my interest in medicine is my brother Adam. When he was two years old, Adam was diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder. After years of preparation, and taking extra science classes in high school, I enrolled as a biology major. I decided to pursue a life of science and medicine.   

[zoopeda]

There wasn't too much blood, just enough to make me nervous.

This should be a hyphen and not a comma.  I really like your opening. 

I wish I had the ability to do more for him.

Should read "had had" or "I'd had" to stay in tense. 

He was a good kid, quiet while I cleaned the small gash on his forehead, squeamish from the rubbing alcohol, but otherwise behaved.

This sentence is grammatically troublesome, awkward phrasing.  Maybe strike the somewhat trite "He was a good kid" too.

I could see the concern for her child in her eyes, I looked at the young boy, and he seemed more fascinated in what was behind the pharmacy doors than the wound I had just covered with a band aid.

I'd strike "for her child" because the reason is obvious and it's more concise that way.  Also, this is a run on sentence.  Period after "eyes."  New (compound) sentence starting with "I".

My other customers watched as I picked up the band aid wrappers and bloodied tissues, waiting patiently for me to return to my post.

You're a pharm tech.  I'd replace "my" with "our" to reflect the team you're a part of.  Also, is there a better word than customers?  Maybe patients doesn't fit.  Patrons?  Clients?  Hmmm

Working as a pharmacy technician, I was able to gain many different rewarding skills, however if I were to choose just one, I would choose the compassion I gained for those who were ill.

Another run-on.  Put a period after "skills."

sometimes more or less,

delete this phrase. 

I had little time to study, thus resulting in an unsatisfactory GPA.

Could be worded better.  Maybe "I had little time to focus on my grades" or something similar. 

However, with time after graduation, I was able to reflect upon my academic past, and I can say without a doubt I have learned from my mistakes, and I am excited to prove to myself my capabilities as not just an excellent student, but an exemplary PA.

This leap reads not like you have already corrected your study habits and proven a turn around and like you're spending a lot of time imagining you're a better student now and are looking forward to PA school to prove yourself.  That of course might or might not be accurate for you, but that's how it reads to me.  It's really important to express here that you started with so so grades and you've overcome whatever obstacle there was between you and good grades, and you've proven (beyond doubt...specifically how you've proven this) that you can not only survive but thrive in PA school.  Also, this is another run-on sentence.  Compound sentences can only tolerate 2 complete sentences tied by a ", and/or/but".

As a pharmacy technician I gained insight into the drug aspect of practicing medicine, however I found myself imagining what it was like to be on the other side of it, so I decided to explore my curiosity and quickly found a physician to shadow.

Another run-on.  Also, bounces back to what you were talking about earlier.  Awkward logical flow.  

When the day came, I was beyond nervous, I was afraid of sounding unintelligent or misinformed; however it was when I stepped into the operating room that I realized this is where I wanted to be.

Better punctuation: When the day came, I was beyond nervous; I was afraid of sounding unintelligent or misinformed.  However the moment I stepped into the operating room I realized this is where I wanted to be.

However there was one man that was introduced to me that caught my attention, a PA.

Too many redundancies.  "However" used way too much. Hyphen, not comma. 

At the time I had no insight into what a PA was or what the profession entailed.  

Comma after "time."

Throughout the triple bypass I stood over the patients head and looked into his open chest cavity and from then on, I was hooked.

's!  And runon

When the experience was over, I had realized there was more to medicine than the usual doctors, nurses and pharmacists.  When I arrived home, immediately I submerged myself in researching what a physician assistant was.

Better to give examples and show how and by what experiences this happened.  The essay is really losing steam.  Really great opener, now you're telling and not showing.  Boring, at this point. 

Upon researching, I discovered the fluidity of the field, and appreciated how wonderful it must be to spend a good amount of time each PA spends with their patents.

Delete "upon researching"  Just show us what you've found! 

They take their time and show the patient they are the priority, not a quota they need to fill. I decided this is what I wanted to do, this is my goal.

Better, but link this to your obvious skill.  You started with patient care.  The past tense "decided...wanted" lacks power.  Bring this into the present. 

Even though I have had all these wonderful experiences, the driving force for my interest in medicine is my brother Adam. When he was two years old, Adam was diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder. After years of preparation, and taking extra science classes in high school, I enrolled as a biology major. I decided to pursue a life of science and medicine.  

Derailed.  You can't introduce a completely new aspect in the last few sentences.  Out of the blue.  Etiher bring it front and center or leave it out.  Aren't these also the grades you mentioned being not so good?  Kind of looks like your impassioned self didn't perform.  Unless these grades were later and better.  In which case, use that to illustrate your grade trend and how you've found motivation to succeed.