Any/all suggestions welcome

[cnymed14]

English wasn't my strongest subject so I'm sure the grammar isn't the best, but please any suggestions would be very helpful!        

 

   I firmly believe that our earliest memories often influence our career choices later in life; this idea is certainly true for my family. When my father was younger, he would often be found in my grandfather’s workshop working along side him building or repairing something for the house. These experiences helped drive him to a career as an engineer. My earlier memories with my mom were often ones at my grandparent’s house where she was often caring them, not solely because they were her parents but because she liked geriatric care.  After working in insurance for 16 years she decided to open her own business called Seniors Helping Seniors. Her business hires senior citizens to care for other seniors who are in need of assistance or just want a companion. That being said one of my earliest memories is one that will be with me forever.

            Every summer my family and I used to take numerous camping trips with other families, from Memorial Day to Labor Day, if we weren’t home we were camping. Living in upstate New York it’s known that you will not always have perfect weather, so camping through storms didn’t faze us, until Labor Day weekend of 1999. In the middle of the night my cousin and I awoke to a very loud clap of thunder, which drove us from our beds to my parents. My dad had been outside putting down the awning so that it wouldn’t be ripped off due to high winds. When he came back inside he sat on the couch and then slumped over. The next few hours are for the most part a blur, except for an EMT who came into our camper sat with me telling me everything is going to be ok, your dad is going to be fine.  Fortunately for us he was right and my father made a full recovery with the exception of some of his early childhood memories. It wasn’t until years later had I learned that my father was struck by lightning that night. I will never forget how reassuring and calm the EMT was, because of the positive experience I had with him I started thinking about a possible future in healthcare.

            Senior year of high school I was given the opportunity to shadow a Physician Assistant (PA) a couple times in the emergency room, which gave me my first look into medicine. After graduation from high school, although I knew I wanted to work in healthcare, I was still unsure on what route I wanted to go. Because of my confusion as well as financial problems I decided to go to a community college until I figured our what path to choose. Freshman and sophomore year I lived at home to save money and also so I could continue to work both my jobs so that I could afford to finish my schooling at a four year school. After finishing two years at the community college, I was accepted at Le Moyne College in Syracuse. Through out junior year I would come home on weekends to continue to work and keep my jobs and work during the summer. Looking back now I wish that I had worked less so that my grades didn’t suffer as a result. Towards the end of my junior year the PA that I had shadowed in high school helped me get a job in the ER as a tech. Within the first month I knew that healthcare was right for me. I learned quickly that when working in the ER you have to be ready for anything. One minute you can be feeding a patient and the next minute you’re holding pressure on a GSW.  

Since applying last year to PA schools I have worked on things that will make me a better fit for the PA program. For example I have continued working at the hospital since graduation full time to get more experience with patient care. This past summer I began shadowing PAs again a few times a month. The experiences now, are different than the ones in high school because of the educational background I have gained and it’s interesting to apply everything that I have learned to real clinical scenarios. The team like relationship between the PA and Physician is an aspect of the career that I really liked. The ability to see your own patients, run tests, and diagnose on your own all while having another person to reference with any questions, is not only beneficial to me but to the patients as well. I have also recently started an EMT class to gain experience as a first responder and will have my basic EMT license in March. To gain an incite on other forms of health care I will be shadowing a cardiothoracic PA later in September for a couple cases. After graduation from PA school ideally I would like to work in an inner city emergency room for a few years and then move back to central New York and work in primary care. I look forward to beginning a PA program so I can expand my knowledge and start working towards my goal of helping as many people as I can. 

[JSH]

I get what you're trying to do with the first paragraph, but remember that this narrative is about YOU, and not your family. I would say if you wanted to include that story, you could start right from the second paragraph.

 

From there, things seem to get kind of messy.

 

Senior year of high school I was given the opportunity to shadow a Physician Assistant (PA) a couple times in the emergency room, which gave me my first look into medicine. After graduation from high school, although I knew I wanted to work in healthcare, I was still unsure on what route I wanted to go. Because of my confusion as well as financial problems I decided to go to a community college until I figured our what path to choose. Freshman and sophomore year I lived at home to save money and also so I could continue to work both my jobs so that I could afford to finish my schooling at a four year school. After finishing two years at the community college, I was accepted at Le Moyne College in Syracuse. Through out junior year I would come home on weekends to continue to work and keep my jobs and work during the summer. Looking back now I wish that I had worked less so that my grades didn’t suffer as a result.

 

This timeline is very overwhelming and can be confusing. If you want to address your grades, keep it short and sweet (sentence or two at most). I would leave out all the high school/college info. Additionally, I would just combine all your PA shadowing experiences from high school to the present and explain in general what you liked about what you saw or pick one PA shadowing experience and explain what you liked. 

 

To gain an incite on other forms of health care I will be shadowing a cardiothoracic PA later in September for a couple cases. After graduation from PA school ideally I would like to work in an inner city emergency room for a few years and then move back to central New York and work in primary care. I look forward to beginning a PA program so I can expand my knowledge and start working towards my goal of helping as many people as I can. 

 

They don't really care about what you're going to do.. only what you've done. You can state your interest in primary care, perhaps incorporated into what you liked about shadowing, but I would leave the other tidbits out. Additionally, "helping people" is the most cliche thing you can say in a PA personal statement.. you might want to dig a little deeper about HOW you can help people and WHY you want to.. tell what you have to offer by using ONE or TWO stories from your health care experiences as an ER tech.

[SB23]

I agree with JSH He/She made good points

 

you should spell out GSW to Gun shot wound. 

 

Maybe try to reorganize the letter into: The Intro,  Introduction into medicine.  Your education and grades, Your experience that led you to PA. Conclusion and briefly restating why PA is right for you.

[DiggySRNA]

 

They don't really care about what you're going to do.. only what you've done.

 

This should be the majority of your personal statement, minus the resume format fluff. 

 

What have you done that influenced you to become a PA? Then include what your plans are as a future clinician.