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In absolute need of help for narrative, deadline approaching


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I have been reading a lot of material on different forums and websites about the best narrative. All this is getting very confusing. I would appreciate even grammar suggestions. I'm a little over the character limit.

 

      My soul mate asked me on our 5th marriage anniversary - “I know how much you love your shadow. I know you will repent all your life for not able to do anything for him. You are trying hard to find some solution for your father’s health issue. I need a wedding anniversary gift from you. Please treat my NASH. I would like you to do my liver transplant, if required.” I am not going to get the things that are lost but I can try to prevent this to happen in someone else’s life.

     14th September 2008. It was the auspicious day of Ganesh Visarjan, 11th and the last day of Ganesh Chaturthi, a Hindu festival celebrated by people all around the world. It is believed that lord Ganesh dwells on earth for his devotees. My family didn’t knew that He will take my parent’s heart with Him. I lost my shadow who had just turned 17, but if somebody knew to perform resuscitation, he would be with me today. 

    On 3rd October 2013, I had received an email from Dr. Maheswar Rao, gastroenterologist saying “Please take an appointment of Dr. Luis Balart, specialist Gastroenterologist. Prepare yourself well and read about NASH (Nonalcoholic Steatohepatitis) with cirrhosis of liver”. We started consulting different Gastroenterologist. CT scan, endoscopy and blood tests were performed. Biopsy was performed by Dr. Balart in New Orleans, LA and term NASH was concluded.   

     I have voluntarily supported the rescue effort team of doctors in 2001 earthquake which occurred in Gujarat, India which was about 7.7 on the Richter scale. 20,000 people were killed, 167,000 injured and nearly 400,000 homes were destroyed. People were helpless, in pain (physical as well as emotional) requiring medical attention and crying for help to find their relatives. For the first time in my life I had learned the importance of life.

     I have volunteered at Memorial Hermann in Emergency Department, Pediatrics, March of Dimes and information desk to experience personal interaction, develop interpersonal skills and create communicative approach with the patients. The gratitude obtained by working with patients was rewarding. While shadowing Dr. Rachana Bhala, a gynecologist, I used to discuss in detail about the different cases, important aspects and practical approaches towards various disease conditions. Both, tutoring at Houston Community College and voluntary work at Memorial Hermann Medical center tremendously helped to surpass the language and cultural barrier and improved communication skills in conveying my ideas effectively. 

     Beginning from high school, I was interested in science field and participated in several individual and team-oriented writings and science fair competitions at both district and state levels which has helped me to acquire more knowledge about science subjects and has improved my self- confidence. Education in pharmacy school developed a strong background in several disciplines of life sciences such as Human Anatomy and Physiology, Biochemistry, and Pharmacology. The knowledge I garnered here helped me in understanding the theoretical concepts and practical approaches of medical biology quickly and comprehensively. During the pharmacy internship training program, my practical exposure to the clinical facets of disease conditions created interest in the field of medicine.

     First ray of light – Vihaan, my son was born on 27th November 2012 after struggling of 12 hours. She was a PA who mentally, psychologically supported and guided me and finally my gynecologist was called 15 minutes before that ray of light entered in my hospital room. 12 hours of labor pain made me understand the role of Physician Assistant. The most enticing feature of being a PA is you are always supported by your physician who can guide you to the right direction. PA profession will also give me the flexibility to go into other medical fields.

    My family and professional training experiences have developed fascinating perception about the impact of the medical profession contribution and responsibility towards the maintenance of healthy living of patients. I am ready to accept the challenge to travel my journey from class room to clinical settings, assume additional responsibility and undertake the challenge associated with carrying for sick people on day to day basis and assisting others to maintain their level of health. Thus, my interest, motivation, strong background and competitive attitude to meet the rigorous challenges of the PA school curriculum has inspired me to become a PA.

   The United States of America has always been at the forefront for research and development in the field of science and medicine and in their efforts to provide quality education to students and shaping them into well-equipped PAs. Therefore, I am inclined to obtain the best quality education in medicine in United States of America to reach my career goal and achieve professional success.

   Every year many people die in India during Ganesh Visarjan, about 2-5% of the population of USA have NASH and 10-20% with fatty liver condition. If given an opportunity to wear the white coat I would like to save at least one life in my career to make my shadow feel proud of myself in my life time.

 

Thanks for considering and taking your time!

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This is my first time applying and believe me, I am no expert.

 

But yes, your first paragraph is confusing to me. Your first couple of sentences will either catch someone's eye..or make them forget about you. I would definitely try re-wording your introduction so that you can get your point across clearly.

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12 hours of labor pain made me understand the role of Physician Assistant. [/size][/font][/color]The most enticing feature of being a PA is you are always supported by your physician who can guide you to the right direction. PA profession will also give me the flexibility to go into other medical fields.[/size][/font][/color]

 

Thanks for considering and taking your time!

This just makes no sense. Actually, none of it makes much sense.

1. You discuss too many people by name who, I gather, influenced your desire to become a PA. 2. The whole deal about your "shadow" (was that your father? I wasn't sure.) gets confused with your delivery.

3. Sentences run too long and are too complicated. You use too many words.

 

This whole narrative is hard to read and, while your country of origin and its customs may be interesting, remember that your narrative is being read by Americans. Confusing them won't help. Try not to load it up with medical terminology.

 

Sent from my Kindle Fire HDX using Tapatalk 2

 

 

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I am sorry to say this but it's bad. The content and the grammar is distracting and confusing.

 

You would benefit from hiring an English major to help you or using a professional service like www.passportadmissions.com

 

Keep in mind though that a polished personal statement will help you get an interview but at many schools you have to write an essay on the interview date. Food for thought

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