Revised Personal Statement...Any takers?

[jshepherd89]

“Alright Jennifer, take a deep breath in, and blow it out, and hold it out.” I explained to the drowsy eyed 

 

patient receiving a pre operative chest x-ray. I noticed her eyes rolling into the back of her head while 

 

she began to fall back towards the x-ray tube. Instinctively, my reflexes kicked in and I was there to 

 

catch her at the last second. “Are you alright ma’am?” “Yes” she stated. “All of a sudden I just felt like 

 

I was going to pass out, I shouldn’t have skipped breakfast this morning!” Jennifer is the first patient I 

 

helped in desperate need, and remains a constant reminder to pay close attention to patients no matter 

 

how trivial the task may be. This instant gratification of saving her from potential head trauma makes 

 

me yearn for a more vital role in healthcare where I am able to monitor the patients overall well being 

 

as a physician assistant (PA).

 

The radiography program I attended at Tidewater Community College (TCC) consisted of long clinical 

 

hours mixed with rigorous didactic courses that provided me with the skills and motivation to continue 

 

my education, while introducing me to the satisfaction that comes with delivering optimal medical care 

 

to patients. After completing my associate degree I enrolled at Virginia Commonwealth University (VCU) 

 

to pursue a bachelor’s degree in radiography. I secured a full time position with the VCU dental school 

 

as a radiologic technologist (RT). During this experience, I discovered my passion for working directly 

 

with others by incorporating my education and clinical knowledge. Although I enjoyed working alongside 

 

dental students I know I can only utilize my full potential if I am able to demonstrate my passion of 

 

medicine and provide, educate, and care for patients as a physician assistant. 

 

During my last semester, I accepted an RT position working with Dr. Carl B. Weiss, an Orthopedic 

 

Surgeon. This was my first experience working directly with a physician, and Dr. Weiss gave me the 

 

opportunity to do a lot more than obtain diagnostic radiographs. Under the direct supervision of Dr. 

 

Weiss, I was introduced to how a private medical practice operates. This is where I was taught the 

 

skills to collect and measure vital signs as well as identify alerts in patients’ medical histories. The role I 

 

played resembled a PA working collaboratively with the physician in a private practice setting. Dr. Weiss 

 

would typically see 17 patients in a morning, which allowed little room for error from his staff. If I was 

 

not taking an x-ray or interviewing a patient, I was often called to assist the physician with a cortisone 

 

injection or to explain to a patient how their new post-operative knee brace functions. 

 

One encounter stands out in particular while working with Dr. Weiss. A young man named Darrell came 

 

into the office one morning for a follow up appointment after what seemed like a diesel mechanic’s 

 

worst nightmare. He had been working alongside a hydraulic hose when it suddenly burst and injected 

 

hydraulic oil into the palm of his left hand. Not understanding the severity of the situation, Darrell 

 

attempted to keep working until his co-worker noticed and immediately rushed him to the hospital. 

 

With the patient’s hand still severely inflamed following surgery, it was now time to remove the packing 

 

from where the wound had been irrigated with copious amounts of normal saline solution and then 

 

packed open under general anesthesia. With Dr. Weiss removing the packing from the wound along 

 

with any remaining necrotic tissue in his hand, I could immediately sense the patient’s level of pain as 

 

tears began to gently roll down his cheek. I decided to talk to the patient and empathize with him to 

 

take his mind off of the excruciating pain he was in. Once the wound had been thoroughly cleaned and 

 

a new bandage properly applied, Darrell thanked me with a sense of relief and graciously responded 

 

that perhaps his next follow up appointment would be even less traumatic. Over several weeks I was 

 

ecstatic to see his progress and eventually his ability to gain full strength back in his left hand. The sense 

 

of teamwork that Dr. Weiss and I had accomplished felt as if I was an Orthopedic PA working alongside 

 

the physician helping in a major part of this man’s recovery. While working at the orthopedic surgeon’s 

 

office, I strengthened my patient skills and learned what it takes to accomplish a goal while working 

 

diligently as a team. 

 

The drive I have to practice as a PA grows stronger each day that I am able to help provide the highest of 

 

care to patients in need. I have made many sacrifices and am ready to make many more in order to fulfill 

 

my ideal occupation where I will be incorporating science, health, and medicine with teamwork and 

 

patient care. Even after 5,000 hours of healthcare experience, I am still amazed at the variety of patients 

 

and the clinical challenges that I face each and every day. These healthcare experiences I have gained 

 

so far prove that I am devoted and an extremely diligent worker. These traits, together with my strong 

 

academic foundation, clinical experience, work ethic and loyalty to patient care, demonstrate how I will 

 

be an essential addition to the PA profession. I am confident and have proven through my journey thus 

 

far that I will excel in my future endeavors as a PA.

[matsen]

Okay, my wife tells me that I'm not always the best at being tactful or sensitive in the way that I tell people about what I think about them or something they've done.  If you don't care to deal with that, then maybe you should not readany further.  But please understand, my goal is only to help, so if you are offended, I am sorry.

 

Let's start with the good first. 

 

-You used your personal experiences in order to explain what has helped direct you toward the PA profession.

 

-You show compassion and a desire for seeing your patients improve.

 

-Your concern for your patient's well being is obvious.

 

-I liked that you showed your appreciation for teamwork.

 

And now the bad....

 

-One of the things that I have read in other similar blogs, mentions that using cliches is definitely something to avoid.  I think you maybe do this frequently.  Ex: "Instinctively, my reflexes kicked in and I was there to catch her at the last second."; "as tears began to gently roll down his cheek."; "

The drive I have to practice as a PA grows stronger each day that I am able to help provide the highest of care to patients in need."  So maybe cliche isn't the right word in every instance but the paper definitely gets a little corny at times.

 

-I would probably get rid of this one all-together, "The role I played resembled a PA working collaboratively with the physician in a private practice setting." My thought is that the review committee doesn't need any pointers on how the things you've done resemble the actions of a physician assistant.

 

-You mentioned Dr. Weiss at least 6 times I think.  You could probably refer to him simply as 'the doctor' or 'physician'.

 

-I would suggest rewording many of your sentences with the appropriate words.  For instance, instead of saying, "... perhaps his next follow up appointment would be even less traumatic," you should say, "perhaps his next follow up appointment would be less traumatic," omitting the even, since it would suggest a series of events in which the patient had been attending his follow-up appointments and that each appointment he had new injuries but that each was less traumatic than the previous.  Or, you could say, "perhaps the next time he's in your office it would be for a less traumatic injury."  This sounds more like how it would have been said, unless Darrell were under the influence of sedation/analgesics, in which case it could be easily expected that he would misspeak in such a way; however, nothing of the story would suggest that that were the case, since he was just in tears a few minutes prior.

 

-You probably know this already, but make sure that there is nothing personally identifiable about your story, especially not Darrell's name.  Obviously this would be a BIG NO NO as far as HIPPA is concerned and besides that it's just not nice.  So, if Darrell is the pt.'s actual name then I would seriously suggest writing the owners of this site and doing whatever it takes to pull your post down or edit it to another name.